[Marion]

This is my story of moving on........

I used to envy everyone that had a baby or at least was able to conceive, I thought
having a baby would just make my life perfect, I already had a wonderful husband, a nice house,
a new car, a job etc all I needed (so I thought) was a baby then I would have everything and life would be just great.
I had visions of a cute, sweet smelling, smiling, happy baby, the sun would always be shining, I would
be calm, serene and stress free, we would be the perfect family......
I held onto that dream with a vice like grip! I was determined to have it, at all costs!
I didn't get "the dream" though, we spent a lot of money trying to achieve it, we were unhappy at the
way things were progressing with the treatments and I became rather sick (after an egg pick up) and was
hospitalised, and I was very stressed which only confirmed my thoughts of "if only I had that baby
then I would be happy, calm and that sun would be shining, ******!"
After we decided that we would stop treatments I thought I would be relieved and I was to an extent
but when that feeling wore off I was back to being miserable and being envious, I couldn't look at a
baby without feeling resentful of the fact that it wasn't me with that baby, I avoided everyone that
had a child or was going to have one and never mentioned babies in any way shape or form.
I thought I was coping and dealing with it just fine but I now know I wasn't, I was just so miserable
all the time, nothing really made me happy ever, I was just so angry at everyone, my friends, life, the Doctors etc.
It took me a long time (about 3 years from the time I started IVF) to get past all those feelings and it was
really hard, I always felt so alone and that no one really understood me or what I was going through.
I felt I didn't deserve to be happy for some insane reason, that I had to be unhappy because what did I
have to be happy about? Lots!! I have a wonderful, supportive husband, three cats and a dog (who are my babies),
a great house, a nice car, I have been on some fantasticholidays, I have made some wonderful friends that I met through my
infertility journey and really helped make a difference in my life, I'm healthy, etc etc, there are so many
things, I had just forgotten them. I will always miss the fact that I was never able to
bear and raise a child of my own and I don't think you ever really "get over it" but I have learnt to value and
appreciate the things I do have and not to waste (at least not waste too much time) time being miserable over the things
I don't have and really have no control over, I can't change the fact that I am "infertile" but I can change
how I look at and live my life.I still avoid people to a degree with babies/children
especially those who talk about nothing else, as I really have nothing in common with them, but I am not
resentful or angry at them anymore. I still occasionally get hurt by insensitive comments
made by those who have never been through the infertility journey but it doesn’t hurt as bad and not as often, the
pain never goes away but it does get less but it does take time.
My friends are envious at my life and I used to be envious of theirs now I know my life isn't better or worse for not being able to have a baby, my life is just different.
It's funny because I wrote this quite a few years ago now, I have come such a long way since then.
I have to say that I really am happy with my life the way it is and have moved on so much that I really don't even want a child of my own anymore (partly because of my age, partly because I am so used to this way of life now).Sounds very strange to me to say that out loud especially since I never thought I would say it .
Marion

[AnnRN]

Marion

It is brave of you to post this. I am in the angry/envious/sad phase of this journey. I ache more and am so much meaner about things than I ever thought I could possibly be. I have often thought, though, that at the end of the day I may not have children. It may just not work for me. I hope that when I get to that point I can be as calm, logical and fullfilled as you are. Right now it seems impossible...

Good luck to you and congratulations on making a life filled with so many wonderful things.

[chantalTTC]

Good for you - what an inspiring attitude. Thank you so much for sharing your journey!

[Marion]

Originally Posted by AnnRN

Marion

It is brave of you to post this. I am in the angry/envious/sad phase of this journey. I ache more and am so much meaner about things than I ever thought I could possibly be. I have often thought, though, that at the end of the day I may not have children. It may just not work for me. I hope that when I get to that point I can be as calm, logical and fullfilled as you are. Right now it seems impossible...

Good luck to you and congratulations on making a life filled with so many wonderful things.

Thank you, I wasn't always so "logical and fullfilled" it takes time......
I wish you well!!!!
Marion

[Just~A~]

Marion,

I struggled with IF since we started ttc in early 1995. For some reason I chose NOT to purse more aggressive treatments at the time (i.e. IUI) at age 28. I was clinging to the idea that I wanted to conceive like "everyone else." I thought I would wait until my DH finished his Ph.D. and we moved to wherever life would take us. Unfortunately, we moved (in '99), and the state does not cover IF treatment. So there we were, ready to do whatever it takes, and we had no money for treatments. At this point, I had to cope with the envy, jealousy, anger and all those feelings you mentioned above. We chose to let people believe we didn't want kids. I made myself believe I didn't want kids. I would hear kids scream and have fits at Wal-mart, and think, "I'm so glad I don't have to put up with that!" We went to concerts and out to eat, and lived life however we wanted. We adopted 2 dogs... We had all but given up when I got a GREAT job that allowed us to save up money for a house, and then saved for some IF treatment.

We had decided, though, if 3 rounds of IUI didn't work, we would accept life as child-free (not childless!) -- focus on our dogs, our careers, our house...

So, I wanted to say, I understand. I completely respect the women who continue to try and won't give up, despite years of treatment, etc. The misery of trying and trying w/ no success is not something I could have done. I feel fortunate and grateful that it appears I will have a child (I have to go through delivery, though everything seems fine now), but if I hadn't, I would have moved on - same as you.

Also, Marion, do people try to get you to adopt? I always hated that: "Why don't you adopt? I know someone who adopted and ended up pregnant!" Adoption wasn't for us. At least not of the human kind. I think we would have gotten another dog. :-)

Best wishes to you, Marion.

[Marion]

Originally Posted by Just~A~

Marion,

I struggled with IF since we started ttc in early 1995. For some reason I chose NOT to purse more aggressive treatments at the time (i.e. IUI) at age 28. I was clinging to the idea that I wanted to conceive like "everyone else." I thought I would wait until my DH finished his Ph.D. and we moved to wherever life would take us. Unfortunately, we moved (in '99), and the state does not cover IF treatment. So there we were, ready to do whatever it takes, and we had no money for treatments. At this point, I had to cope with the envy, jealousy, anger and all those feelings you mentioned above. We chose to let people believe we didn't want kids. I made myself believe I didn't want kids. I would hear kids scream and have fits at Wal-mart, and think, "I'm so glad I don't have to put up with that!" We went to concerts and out to eat, and lived life however we wanted. We adopted 2 dogs... We had all but given up when I got a GREAT job that allowed us to save up money for a house, and then saved for some IF treatment.

We had decided, though, if 3 rounds of IUI didn't work, we would accept life as child-free (not childless!) -- focus on our dogs, our careers, our house...

So, I wanted to say, I understand. I completely respect the women who continue to try and won't give up, despite years of treatment, etc. The misery of trying and trying w/ no success is not something I could have done. I feel fortunate and grateful that it appears I will have a child (I have to go through delivery, though everything seems fine now), but if I hadn't, I would have moved on - same as you.

Also, Marion, do people try to get you to adopt? I always hated that: "Why don't you adopt? I know someone who adopted and ended up pregnant!" Adoption wasn't for us. At least not of the human kind. I think we would have gotten another dog. :-)

Best wishes to you, Marion.

First of all CONGRATULATIONS!!!! that is great news, I wish you all the very best!

Yep I get that all the time re-why don't you adopt? etc and all the other annoying "helpful" hints on how to fall pregnant.
Most people don't get it that there are some of us who just can't get pregnant...ever.
Adoption, IVF, ICIS and so on are not guarenteed to work, yet most people think that they are.
Anyway that's life I guess.

All the very best!
Marion

[riz2525]

Hi Marion,
Wow!Wow!Wow! Your story has taken me back 11 years ago when what would be called uthinkable to any woman having difficulties concieving. I was in my country married for atleast four years before my then husband, his mother and his sister plot a plan to get rid of me because i was nothing but a barren woman. I was abused physically, emotionally and mentally. I wasn't the hard working woman that did everything from working fulltime, playing sports for my nation and an entraprenure not mentioning supported my husband financially when he didn't have a well paid job. For two years I paid for all the expenses even his bus fare to work at times. To make the story short, 5 yeears into our marriage, his mother and sistermade arrangements for him to meet a woman who was to be a second wife to bear children. When i approached him about the situation after someone leaked the story to me, I was fought as a man. the same week I found out from neighbors that he was cheating on me with one of his co-workers sister then with his co-worker that I had met when i went to see him one time at his place of work. The pain of all these wan unbearable. I got so sick i was hospitalized for two weeks. I stayed with him for another mnth but it di not get any better. Two days after I lft him his sister brought the so called child bearer to replace me. i prayed and asked God for the strength. Two months after I left, God opened ways and I received athletic scholarship to come to America. In America I met my current husband, i was lonely, sad and deepressed. i had just lost my dad 3 months prior. he is much older than i am, my friends were against our relationship but i guess I thought he was going to fill my fathers place, I was wrong. Sometime last year my husband made a statement that I considered betrayal, selfish and insensitive that I never thought would come from his mouth "I do not want children" I was stunned and did not say a word instead I went into my bedroom and cried. He was very much aware that I was trying to find an RE to help my situation. I attempted several times to talk to him but he never showed any interest. I had to make the dicision for myself so i moved out. i started treatment all by myself in Sept, 06 and used a sperm donor. I'm now six weeks pregnant. GLORY TO THEE. I decided to tell you my story because, i have experienced the pain to feel different, the agony, the questioning wht I ever did wrong, the envy toward all my friends that had kids and young girls terminating their pregnancies b/c they were not prepared o have a child. I have seen all that. Look at the positive things that God has helped you with, Loving husband that has stood by you through all this journey, the dogs and cats. Good health. God has a plan for all of us. i pray that He fill you with His love and care. He loves and stay positive that your time will come. Sorry for writing too much but your story really touched my heart. Stay srong and positive.

[ballemn]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I thought I was in the place you are and then I found myself melting down yesterday when I saw a picture of my ex-husband's baby on my sister's refrigerator. We had tried to conceive for 6 years before our marriage ended and seeing him have a baby with another woman has been very difficult for me. I know my sister didn't mean to be hurtful. She just doesn't think sometimes. I was also at a baby shower for my nephew's wife. I know exactly what you mean by not having anything in common with people who have had babies. I felt like I was an alien there because I had never had a baby. I hope I can find the peace that you have. It is not easy on my new marriage. My new husband is wonderful and it hurts him when he sees me hurting. Your story inspires me that I can be strong.