[amyinohio]

Boston - my dh was dx with azoospermia over a year ago and I must say that it is an extremly difficult dx to swallow. I love my dh very much and I would stand by him through anything. This is a process you will go through together and it is much easier if you approach it is a team.

There are various options out there to address a 0 SA so you will certainly want to talk to a urologist...one who specializes in infertility.

My dh and I are now closer than ever, we have been through many downs but each low only made us a stronger couple. Be open and communicate and you will come through this just fine!

[cathie]

Originally Posted by bostonyankee

Hi cathie, yeah we are looking in to that. As a guy, I won't be looking forward to getting cut into 'down there' but if the end result is my wife gets to achieve her dream, then sign me up.

If that is the way you think then you are more than a man ! Hang in there!

[littleblue]

hello bostonyankee
i can't say i know how you feel, but i can add to the other comments here and say your wife loves you! i can tell from your posts that you want a child with her, not a child just to make her happy or to prove your manhood. you want a child with your wife, that is so great and normal for all of us.

i am in a similar situation with my DH. his count wasn't zero, but it might as well be. make sure you vent as much of your feels as possible to your wife, trust me she is the mothering type (like me) and wants to comfort you and of course she wants to be in on what is happening in your head. i promise she is not even remotely thinking of divorce or anything stupid like the size of something or the number of something else. i love my husband so much and it really pained me when he started worrying that i would leave him if we didn't get pregnant. i was fast to put that thought out of his mind, it just isn't possible. seriously i never thought it!

hang in there! and by the way environmental stuff may be part of the reason my DH's count is so low. he works with sheet metal (cutting, welding, exposure to magnets) and he smokes cigarettes. i don't have a lot of facts to go along with that, but it seems that it could be a piece of the problem (along with his T levels). i've heard that strong magnets and hard metals can damage sperm production. anyone want to second that?

[bostonyankee]

I am tying to stay positive by grasping onto whatever positive info I can find. This TESE procedure or whatever, might be the way to go. I mean, I gotta believe that my baby-makers are i nthere somewhere heh heh. Plus we got a little good news on my wife's end today. Hopefully the momentum, carries us through. The worst part of all this, as I am sure you all know, is the endless waiting for results with these darn tests.

[Kris79]

Hi BostonYankee - Welcome to the forums! I just wanted to jump in as well. My husband got the same diagnosis a little under a year ago. It is devastating (as you well know) and I will say you are experiencing the worst part of it right now...it will get better, I promise. I just want to add that the thought of leaving my husband has never entered my mind once...I love him more than I love the idea of having a baby someday (and I want to be a mother as bad as I've wanted anything). Ultimately, if staying with my husband meant it would only be the two of us and our dog forever, I would be happy with that. I'm sure your wife feels the same about you.

You should check out the Azoospermia thread under "Causes of Infertility"/"Male Factor Fertility"...it's a very supportive group and there are some male perspectives on there too.

Best to you with whatever you and your wife decide to do. My one bit of advice is not to rule anything out right now. My husband and I were very opposed to donor sperm at first, and well...now we're going on IUI#3 with donor sperm. It's not for everyone, but time and perspective do change things. Good luck!

[hope1779]

My DH was dx with Azoospermia 5 years ago. We were heartbroken by the news that our quest to become parents would be a tough one! After the emotion of my DH "hating himself" or "being a failure as a husband" he decided that he wanted to be a father and give me my dream of becoming a mother and was willing to be proactive instead of wallowing in pity. I had "secretly" been researching donor sperm options and finally approached him with the option of a donor expecting him to shut the door on it immediately and he surprised me by agreeing. We explored many options with the TESE and other alternatives but when it came to deciding to continue going through so many things to use his sperm we decided to just use donor and not go through the heartache of continued failure. We are now expecting in October after 3 attempts of IUI with donor sperm.

My advice to you is to not shut the door on any means of starting your family with your new wife. You never know if she "secretly" wishes you'd agree with donor sperm. I wish you luck! Keep us posted!

[AllDeliveriesNoBaby]

Boston- as everyone else has told you in here, I believe your wife loves you, and that you are not any less of a man. My husband had the hardest time with his diagnosis (of course the original UR had very poor bedside manner when he told us). What made the diagnosis hard on our relationship was that he didn't want to talk to me about it. He kept it all bottled up, and so we ended up trying to ignore the "elephant in the room" for over a year- it caused some fights. Eventually, he came around to talking about it with me for the sake of our marriage, and our relationship has never been better. What it boils down to is that he beat himself up over it while I just loved him! I didn't marry him for his child making capabilities, and I am sure your wife didn't marry you for that either. Talk to her, let her know what you are feeling about, and as someone else said- don't make any drastic decisions. Good luck!! for you!

[amber.m]

adding my thoughts here as well.

First of all I am sorry you are questioning your masculinity due to this. As the others have said your sperm or lack thereof will not affect your wife's love for you and for you to even think of asking her to leave due to it is unfiar of you. I know you are feeling awful about this, but you aren't giving your wife enhough credit in opinion.

I know in a way how you feel... my husband knew coming into our raltionship that we would have difficulty getting pregnant as I was up front at the very beginning.

I often feel badly for him and have asked him if he wishes he were with someone else and his answer is that he loves me for me and not for my ability to give him children. We both want a child of our own very much, but we also know there are so many other options if we aren't successful.

Our love for each other isn't determined by my/our preocreation abilities and I'm sure yours isn't either.

Good luck whatever you choose to do... but I would strongly suggest you speak with your wife about your feelings/worries... I am betting she would want to hear these things as well give you the assurance you need.

Hugs!

[bostonyankee]

Thanks everyone who's written so far. I think you're 100% right - and I did talk it over with my wife. Of course I would never want her to leave, but I was just feeling so useless at that point in time. I just didn't want to play God with someone else's life, and take away her opportunity because of something on my end. But she said, just like all you here have said, she loves me for me, not my sperm, or this or that or the other. Like I said before, she is the strongest person I know. I just really am tired of the waiting for results to come back. To top it off one of the urologists we saw wants to do another SA. For what possible reason? Other than toremind me that I am terrible at this? I refuse to do even ONE MORE analysis until there are DETAILED plans available to me.........

[lisa_kev]

Bostonyankee:

I have not read thru all the replies to your post, but you are not alone in this. My husband and I have been TTC for over 9 years. We found out in 2003 that my DH had no sperm. This was due to the fact that he had cancer when he was 3 and the treatments were so harsh. I will tell you this, I love my husband more and more each day. Just because we have opted to use donor sperm doesn't mean that he will not be the father, of course he will be the father. It has been a very long road for us. Financially we were not able to proceed with the whole fertility speciallist thing. Then this past October, after 9 years we decided it was now or never. In our case, we agreed that my husband would pick the donor. We're using Xytex and they offer both child AND adult photos. Something that was very important to us because we have told no one other than my mother of our situation.

We also understand your frustration in repeating the SA results. My husband had two. One in 2003 then again in 2008. Come to find out, it's just a formality with the insurance (in our case). Believe me, we've been thru it. Our insurance company will not contribute because of using donor sperm. We have been thru appeal thru appeal and maybe one day they'll approve, but until then we are not going to wait around, we've done much of this ourselves.

I'm starting to ramble, I could go on and on. Please know that this is a wonderful place to come for support. If you ever have something on your mind, chat away. Welcome and baby dust to you and your wife.

[bostonyankee]

Thanks for the support lisa. The killer for me is I already have a daughter. So I am very angry that there's apparently some zero sperm count. How can that be. After all the times I have told my wife she will make an excellent mother and then this happens.

I hope the best for you and your husband. In my situation the donor thing is upsetting to me because again, I made a baby once, so what the heck, and also I would definitely have a hard time coming to terms with some other man's sperm in my wife's body, fertilizing her because I could not. I wouldn't even be able to make it to the point of looking at pictures. If that makes me a bad guy or something, then there it is.

[lisa_kev]

Originally Posted by bostonyankee

Thanks for the support lisa. The killer for me is I already have a daughter. So I am very angry that there's apparently some zero sperm count. How can that be. After all the times I have told my wife she will make an excellent mother and then this happens.

I hope the best for you and your husband. In my situation the donor thing is upsetting to me because again, I made a baby once, so what the heck, and also I would definitely have a hard time coming to terms with some other man's sperm in my wife's body, fertilizing her because I could not. I wouldn't even be able to make it to the point of looking at pictures. If that makes me a bad guy or something, then there it is.

Bostonyankee:

That doesn't make you a bad guy. It could be that you’re just not ready to take that step-and it's not for everyone. I can't remember exactly how long it was for us, but I'd say over a year of it sinking in litterly before DH brought up the idea. If it makes any sense, it was like a mourning process. We even once considered adoption. We talked it through and made our decision. I know donor sperm isn't for everyone; it's a personal choice and something that shouldn't be rushed into. Just know that there are other options out there. Never give up hope. Everyone is different. My husband saw an urologist once, but when the doctor found out his cancer history, he ruled that it would be best to find a donor. Your case could be different; there could be surgery options for you. That of course made my husband squirm. Best of luck to you. Stay strong for your wife It's so easy to get into a fertility rut. It's hurtful and so many people take their fertility for granted. If anything else, it'll make you and your wife closer than ever before.

[bostonyankee]

Adoption would be fine by me, but I just cannot get my head around donor sperm. Understand that some of this is undoubtedly some of the scarring left over from my first wife cheating on me. I would feel like an abject failure of a man if it came down to that. Think about it from my shoes: I would fel like, my first wife cheated and took "my" kid away, and then in my second marriage I'd need another man to make my wife pregnant.

I am even getting angry at "the powers that be" if you will, feeling that it is not fair that rapists and sadists can spawn children, but my wife and I get stuck with this. Some days I get by ok, others I start seeing red. Like the other night a friend of mine tells me that his gf of FOUR MONTHS is pregnant, yeah, that's ^&&*& fair.......

[bostonyankee]

Really in a low cycle over this right now.

[bostonyankee]

keep your fingers crossed for us as we go to another specialist in a couple weeks. Hopefully more productive than the last clown we went to. DW brought up the ds issue again and I still don't think I can ever wrap my head around to it.

I just hate feeling so emasculated and worthless about this topic. Also, I am thinking about contacting my lawyer - if I have no sperm, than I would like to take the ex wife to court and have the child support stopped.