[ekb88]

Hey boston - just want to say I understand the difficulty of thinking about donor sperm. As a women whose last resort is donor eggs, I can understand the challenges of considering the possibility. And definately get multiple opinions - there is a wide variety of skillsets out there for this sort of thing, and some doctors are definately better than others. Best of luck to you.

[bostonyankee]

Thanks - I guess the huge impediment for me, if all other avenues were ruled out, is that it is still, techincally, my wife having a child with another man. Wow, how emasculating that would feel. With donor eggs, they can at least be implanted into a woman and she can still carry to term and give birth. With us guys, either it's our sperm or it ain't.

Like it or not, there would be a permanent bond between my wife and another man.

[nrudolph0578]

So did your second opinions rule out the abstraction of sperm from your testes or epididimus? You cannot possibly have no sperm at all in there especially if you had another child. Just becuase you can not produce a sample, does not mean that they cannot extract. My husband had a vasectomy and our urologists extracted sperm from his testes and I am now 6 months pregnant. I think you are not going to the right doctors. Come to NYC they are the best there and I can certainly recommend someone for you. These docs in the boonies have no clue!

[BlueIsis]

Originally Posted by bostonyankee

Thanks - I guess the huge impediment for me, if all other avenues were ruled out, is that it is still, techincally, my wife having a child with another man. Wow, how emasculating that would feel. With donor eggs, they can at least be implanted into a woman and she can still carry to term and give birth. With us guys, either it's our sperm or it ain't.

Like it or not, there would be a permanent bond between my wife and another man.

This is just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth. There is a subtle, yet important difference between donor sperm and your wife "having a child with another man" - they never had sex! In addition, the donor produced his sample, likely for the money and was thinking about his wife/girlfriend/ Miss January, not your wife. Neither the collection of the sample, nor the insemination of a woman is a sexual act. It is more like donating and receiving blood.

Think of it as a needed organ. Would you resent your wife accepting a kidney from some other man if she needed the donation and you were not a match? Does she have a "permanent bond" with some unnamed kidney donor?

This was actually my husbands explanation of why he ultimately decided that donor sperm was ok with him.

[bostonyankee]

Originally Posted by nrudolph0578

So did your second opinions rule out the abstraction of sperm from your testes or epididimus? You cannot possibly have no sperm at all in there especially if you had another child. Just becuase you can not produce a sample, does not mean that they cannot extract. My husband had a vasectomy and our urologists extracted sperm from his testes and I am now 6 months pregnant. I think you are not going to the right doctors. Come to NYC they are the best there and I can certainly recommend someone for you. These docs in the boonies have no clue!

No the guy I went to was jsut pretty dour, said there was definitely something wrong, and wanted another sample within the week. I left and was like "F this, F this while process". So, we are now going to see another one up here in Boston in a couple weeks.

You're right, there's gotta be something there, I mean come on now. Just extremely right now.

[bostonyankee]

Originally Posted by BlueIsis

This is just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth. There is a subtle, yet important difference between donor sperm and your wife "having a child with another man" - they never had sex! In addition, the donor produced his sample, likely for the money and was thinking about his wife/girlfriend/ Miss January, not your wife. Neither the collection of the sample, nor the insemination of a woman is a sexual act. It is more like donating and receiving blood.

Think of it as a needed organ. Would you resent your wife accepting a kidney from some other man if she needed the donation and you were not a match? Does she have a "permanent bond" with some unnamed kidney donor?

This was actually my husbands explanation of why he ultimately decided that donor sperm was ok with him.

He still needs to have an orgasm to produce the sample. So basically, I would need another man to have an orgasm, then take that and place it into my wife, so that his sperm can make there way to her egg and fertilize it, and create a new life.

I know I am being emotional about this but **** it, I am entitled. This would make me feel like a 110% failure as a man, a father and a husband. I keep coming back to the fact that my first marriage fell apart because another man came around. Psychologically, I do not know how I could go forward knowing that in my second marriage, I needed another man to come forward to give my wife what she wanted. I would feel like, what is the point to my even being around really.

Also, I have seen online where many donors eventually become reunited with their offspring. Or, the chiuldren want to know about their dad. What would I do one day when an upset teen child blurts out how I am not their father? How about that? Or how about the donor doing his research and forcing into "my family??

Bad enough I have one kid (I think) that looks nothing like me. But two??? Can life/God/fate,etc really be that unfair??

[Hopeful12]

Hi boston - just came across your thread. My hubby had a vasectomy about 18 years ago...he has children from a previous marriage. We've known each other for years. The one thing he wanted to give me was a child...we thought about reversal, adoption, donor sperm...We found a doc in NYC. We found out he had a varicosile...something wrong with a vein in the testie (sp? Sorry) and he said while he was fixing that he would take a small piece and look for the sperm. Well, we wound up with three vials! The doc was able to see their motility and quality. We have gone through 2 IVF's and one FET. I am now 7 weeks! Look into it! It you need the docs name, let me know!

[bostonyankee]

I am hoping. I've been real stressed about this (gee, wonder why lol??) and the thinking about everything that could be wrong, is getting me scared.

[nrudolph0578]

Bostonyankee, you have to PM my mom is in urology in Boston and her doctors in her practice are excellent. They are right out of Boston , in Stoneham MA. I would highly recommend them. I can provide you with the contact info and even let my MOM know you would be coming in.

[nrudolph0578]

Bostonyankee, Private Message me and we can chat. I will get you some good references in Boston. That is where I am from.

[bostonyankee]

ting! you have mail!

[littleblue]

hi bostonyankee
i have been following the posts here not just because i feel for your situation, but also because i am afraid that my husband and i could be in a similar situation, emotionally. we just got the results of his second sperm test/count and it does not look any better if not worse than before, ok some things seemed better but overall nothing exciting and still really bad. he told me as we walked home to forget about children for a year. ouch! I already know that donor sperm/donor eggs would not be an option for us for religious and psychological reasons. i'm really glad to see that you are proactive in your struggle. my husband is trying to put up a good front, testing and such, but i'm not sure how he will act once we decide to try IUI or something along those lines. i'm trying to relax into our situation, but our feelings start to bubble up now and again.

keep posting, i'll be for you!

[bostonyankee]

Hi littleblue, I will keep hoping for you and your DH too. My appt is this coming Tuesday so hoping thatthere will be a game plan coming out of it. Nervous at the moment, but hopeful.

[nrudolph0578]

Good luck Bostonyankee. Let me know how this doc goes. LIttleblue, unfortunately due to the low sperm count, you will most likely not be able to do IUI but be recommended to move straight to IVF.

[bostonyankee]

Thanks, I definitely will. Can't be any worse than the first clown I went to.