[bostonyankee]

Hi all:

First post. Thanks for this site. My story:

I am in my second marriage, I have a 6 year old daughter from my first. My wife and I after trying to conceive for about 9 months tried a fertility specialist. Imagine my surprise when my SA returned no sperm. I freaked out. Also, my last one this week, same thing and with a much smaller ejaculate. Likely due to being scared during the whole thing. The urologist they referred me to mentioned that my testicles are smaller than they should be.

Now I am wondering if 1) my duaghter is even mine - my wife cheated on me after about 2 years of marriage which is why our marriage ended, so who knows maybe she even cheated on me then too, and 2) I feel like a failure as a man. My wife desperately wants to be a mother, and the thought that I may not be able to do that for her breaks my heart.
She mentioned maybe we use a donor, but I would feel, again, like I had to rely on another man to give my wife what she wants. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should tell her she can leave me so she can find a real man.

[maybeamommy]

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way.

Please know that I am sure your wife loves you for YOU and not your sperm! You aren't any less of a man... please don't think that.

Has the urologist given you any suggestions? Can they do something like TESE with IVF?

You can google azoospermia and TESE (testicular sperm extraction) to find out more about that.

We have "unexplained" infertilty with possible slight morphology issues - but please believe that even if my husband had no sperm, I would NEVER ever leave him. I don't want to have a child with anyone else but him. YOU will be that child's father, no matter who the sperm comes from. YOU will be the one holding your wife's hand as she gives birth, cutting the umbilical cord, changing diapers, waking up for 3 am feedings, hearing "dada" for the first time, etc. YOU will be the child's father!

[bostonyankee]

thanks for the quick response. Obviously I am still in shock, very upset and angry. It jsut does not make sense - how can i father a child 6 years ago and not now?

You're 100% right on one thing - my wife definitely loves me for me. Let me tell you, she is the strongest woman I know. I don't mean that as a put-down to anyone else, but some of the stuff she's had to deal with regarding my ex-wife/ parenting isses, etc, I am amazed at how she handles it all.

She is so great with my daughter, in fact she even calls her 'mom' sometimes and tells me 'I have 2 moms you know'. She deserves to be a mom and I am absulutely beside myself with fear and anxiety that I might not be the man to give that wonderful gift to her.

I know we're not supposed to say something is no fair, because like itself is not fair, but when you see TV shows about couples with 18 kids, turn on soap operas where, I kid you not, 2 characters get pregnant in 1 episode.........

[kepola]

your wife loves you and like the others said, doesn't matter who sperm comes from, you are going to be the father of that baby......
She won't leave you. That is crazy thinking.
Love is stronger than you think.

[bostonyankee]

I hear ya kepola. It's just the punch to the gut right now that's making me feel this way. I have been going back and forth between being almost chipper, like (expletive) it, I'm still alive aren't I? and (expletive), why is this happenning?

Just feeling like less of a man and that I am, on some levels, letting her down.

[BabySteps]

Hang in there.... There are options and you will find lots of support here. I had fertility issues before I married my husband. I told him that and even suggested he not get serious because I really thought I could not provide him with a child. I felt less of a women. He told me that he loved me for being me and not for my eggs. I am sure your wife feels the same. She sounds like a wonderful person. Keep your chin up and try not to feel like less of a man because you are not. What you are experiencing will make you more of a man

[ekb88]

Hey bostonyankee, I just wanted to add my $.02 that I have no doubt that your wife loves you for you, not your sperm. It's funny, but I've had the same thoughts as you as it relates to my husband, but when I put myself in your wife's shoes, I couldn't imagine wanting to leave because of that.

Do investigate your options with your doctor, and get second opinions if you need to. And check out any meds you may be taking, even if they seem un-related. A woman on another board I frequent reported that her husband had a 0 sperm count, and it ended up being from an acne medicine he was taking. His count came back a few months after he stopped the meds.

If you were a woman, I'd normally offer hugs, but I'll give you a friendly punch in the arm and tell you that I think it will be okay

[jesspr79]

As a woman, I can only give you a female perspective on the whole issue. Our infertility issues were all on my side, but had it been the reverse, I wouldn't have felt let-down by my husband. A large part of why I married him is because I knew he'd be a good dad, and that has everything to do with how he is with kids, not his DNA. And maybe, as someone else posted there could be an environmental factor and this might only be a temporary issue.

And as far as the smaller testicles, not to be too blunt or graphic, but that's not what gets us off anyway.

[Ella]

Hi Bostonyankee,

I am so sorry to hear that you have to deal with AZO. You can read my other posts for our long story but I will tell you what my husband means to me. I want a baby more than anything else in my life but I also knew that my husband had testicular problems when I married him. I also excepted the fact that we may never have a child of our own. So whether you have Azo or not I am sure your wife loves you for who you are.

About the donor sperm option - it is very personal and it is something only you can decide. Both my husband and I have very conservative backgrounds. When we learned that he has no sperm we made the decision not to use any donor sperm. But as time passed by and we lived thru each day of IVF our approaches have changed. Give yourself and your wife sometime to get thru the emotional period.

About your daughter - I read many posts on this board where men had children earlier on but then had AZO in later parts of their life. This might be the case for you also.

Never lose hope and don't forget that all the improvements in the medical and technical fields are for us. You have many options to exhaust before feeling desperate.

[bostonyankee]

Originally Posted by jesspr79

And as far as the smaller testicles, not to be too blunt or graphic, but that's not what gets us off anyway.

You have no idea how much that made me laugh. Probably the first time all day. Thank you!

[bostonyankee]

Thanks Ella. I'm just so scared and angry and upset right now.

[nrudolph0578]

Hi BostonYankee, I hope you are a Boston fan, lol! My husband had zero sperm in his ejaculate due to a vasectomy and a reversal that was not successful. The only option we had was to do TESE, which is where the urologist extracts sperm from the testicles or even epididimus (sp??). It is definitely possible for someone to father a child 6 years ago and then develop azoospermia. Many factors can play a part in this, including smoking, drinking, environmental, low testoterone, medical issues ,etc. However, that said, just because there is no sperm in your ejaculate does not mean that a urologist cannot extract any from your testes or epi. You should definitely see a urologist who specializes in TESE and MESE procedures and have them do a test biopsy to see what they can find. It does not hurt, according to my husband, who was at the gym the next day after his TESE, while I was held up in bed in pain from my egg retrieval, lol. There are many things that your doc may be able to do too to get the sperm count up in your ejaculate however, most therapies take time and if you wife is hoping to be a mother soon, I would definitely see what options you have going the TESE route.

[bostonyankee]

Hi there nrudolph - yeah I am looking up TESE's (sp??) as we speak. Hopefully, there would be something there - I mean, I am pretty sure I made a baby 6 years ago, I hope. It would just be the cruelest of jokes for something to have gone wrong since then. And not fair to my wife, at all.

[cathie]

Originally Posted by bostonyankee

Hi all:

First post. Thanks for this site. My story:

I am in my second marriage, I have a 6 year old daughter from my first. My wife and I after trying to conceive for about 9 months tried a fertility specialist. Imagine my surprise when my SA returned no sperm. I freaked out. Also, my last one this week, same thing and with a much smaller ejaculate. Likely due to being scared during the whole thing. The urologist they referred me to mentioned that my testicles are smaller than they should be.

Now I am wondering if 1) my duaghter is even mine - my wife cheated on me after about 2 years of marriage which is why our marriage ended, so who knows maybe she even cheated on me then too, and 2) I feel like a failure as a man. My wife desperately wants to be a mother, and the thought that I may not be able to do that for her breaks my heart.
She mentioned maybe we use a donor, but I would feel, again, like I had to rely on another man to give my wife what she wants. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should tell her she can leave me so she can find a real man.

Hold on ! If you are willing to do any thing for her then there is a process that they go in and take a small piece of the testacal about the size of a dime and the get hidden sperm they have been doning this for men with 0 sperm count ! ask your ifertilty specialest ! Good luck and don't give up !

[bostonyankee]

Hi cathie, yeah we are looking in to that. As a guy, I won't be looking forward to getting cut into 'down there' but if the end result is my wife gets to achieve her dream, then sign me up.