[Retroys]

Hi people,

I recently have been finding myself in a very tough situation. My girlfriend and I obviously both really want a child. She has PCOS which makes it more difficult but she has normal ovulations and should be able to conceive. However I recently got the news I dont have super sperm and in fact not very good at all. Obviously this it tough, I am having some more tests done as I have been ill and had an infection as well (which both I read can create low mortility and bad sperm, is that correct?), so hoping for the best.
Her conditions does so that she can stop ovulating at any time pretty much and she is dying to be a mum.

However, girlfriend has a couple of previous partners and a friend who offered to help her if she really wanted to become pregnant. Now the thing is she wants to do this if my sperm cannot be used to get pregnant, as she almost with 98% security turned down possibility of IVF and sperm donor she is apparently not even considering. Instead its sex with a previous partner to get pregnant.

Look here is the thing I really want to do everything for her, but is it really so wrong of me to both understand her and still want to leave her if she goes through with that? I am confused and cannot make up my mind as I really do love her, but this I just cannot accept, plus I know for certain I want a child of my own otherwise my interest will not be there, and that I cannot share with her as I know she will not understand that, she tends to only understand her own situation.

Am I a bad person for wanting to leave her if she will go through with that? I really want her to have a child even if it cannot be with me, but I just dont feel I can be there, emotionally I think I would be lost after that.

I am really looking for some guidance here. Thanks for reading guys!

[charlie'smom]

Originally Posted by Retroys

Hi people,

I recently have been finding myself in a very tough situation. My girlfriend and I obviously both really want a child. She has PCOS which makes it more difficult but she has normal ovulations and should be able to conceive. However I recently got the news I dont have super sperm and in fact not very good at all. Obviously this it tough, I am having some more tests done as I have been ill and had an infection as well (which both I read can create low mortility and bad sperm, is that correct?), so hoping for the best.
Her conditions does so that she can stop ovulating at any time pretty much and she is dying to be a mum.

However, girlfriend has a couple of previous partners and a friend who offered to help her if she really wanted to become pregnant. Now the thing is she wants to do this if my sperm cannot be used to get pregnant, as she almost with 98% security turned down possibility of IVF and sperm donor she is apparently not even considering. Instead its sex with a previous partner to get pregnant.

Look here is the thing I really want to do everything for her, but is it really so wrong of me to both understand her and still want to leave her if she goes through with that? I am confused and cannot make up my mind as I really do love her, but this I just cannot accept, plus I know for certain I want a child of my own otherwise my interest will not be there, and that I cannot share with her as I know she will not understand that, she tends to only understand her own situation.

Am I a bad person for wanting to leave her if she will go through with that? I really want her to have a child even if it cannot be with me, but I just dont feel I can be there, emotionally I think I would be lost after that.

I am really looking for some guidance here. Thanks for reading guys!

I can understand how that would put you in a difficult predicament...

Why does she have to have sex with one of these men? Why can't she have them depsosit a sample at the office and have her inseminated with that? Would that make it easier for you?

I wish you the best of luck!!!!

[missthuyn]

I'm sorry you are in the situation. If you both really want to have a child, and raise this child together as mommy and daddy, there are ways out there that can do this. Personally, I dont' understand why she would rule out IVF which will give both of you the chance to be the biological parents...but she would rule in sex with another man, even if its her previous partner. Chances are, it won't work the first time, so she will have to have sex with this other man multiple times. Think about it. I know you understand and love her and want to give her a child, but by what means?

Goodluck, but I just wanted to say again, that there are other options to have a child out there. It will be selfish of her if she gave you this only ultimatum.

[arbuckle17]

The cold, hard, unforgiving, truth is, having children as a couple needs to be something that BOTH people are fully engaged in.

The is in every phase from the initial "we want to have a baby" to the "this is how far we will go before we choose other routes".

Believe me mate if you don't get these tidbits worked out now they will grow into nightmares fast.

My wife has PCOS and we agreed from the beginning how far we would go and how long we would try. It is difficult dealing with infertility, and it aches in you heart but the fact that we knew how far each other was comfortable going made all the difference when it came to moving on.

First go do some research. Learn about PCOS, the medication she is on, IUI's, IVF's, and all the options for both of you from timing ovulation kits clear through fostering and adoption.

Then both of you need to sit down and figure out what your options are. If you both can't come to an agreement, and she is hell bent on doing something you aren't ok with then you either need to find acceptance in it and deal (personally I would have a real tough time with it in this case) or you need to move on. It is you responsability to ensure that the child being brought into this world isn't born into a house with dark clouds and remourse.

Some tidbits on PCOS:
1) it gets better with age
2) some of the meds she may be on can lead to mood swings and almost bipolar behaviour.


Some tidbits for you:
1) one analysis means nothing. My first was crappy then the following 12 (or however many it was) for IUI's were all normal.
2) there is a lot of voodoo and fake crap out there, talk to your urologist about simple options. Don't consider your wifes doc the master of your twins. My urologist corrected a few key assesments that my wifes doc made based on my counts.

[arbuckle17]

Oh yeah and:

timed sex: 20% or something less
IUI: 35% chance
IVF: 60% chance

so ummmm her having sex with another guy is a really poor option considering the odds.

[Patience09]

Her suggestion is not cool at all.
My husband has not "very good sperm at all" and we're just embarking on our first (and hopefully last) IVF using a procedure called ICSI - which you is used when the sperm aren't swimming like they should. YOu may want to look into this.

We had discussed other options, like donor sperm. But NEVER going to have sex with an ex. Just not cool at all.

[SFBaygirl]

With so many options out there today to conceive there is no need for her to have intercourse with another man. Like someone already mentioned, intercourse isn't even very efficient compared to IUI or IVF.

I would find it completely unacceptable for her to have sex with another man to conceive. This is coming from the wife of a man with a 0 sperm count and I wouldn't consider than in a million years.

Donor sperm can be used at the doctors or even at home. However, if even a few sperm are present that are fairly normal IVF/ISCI can be used.

I wish you the best in this most difficult situation.

[Koshveily]

That's just messed up. Sex WITH someone else rather than insemination?? That doesn't sound very realistic or healthy. I'd leave her just for suggesting it.

[tygerlilly]

Ok, so my husband and I used a donor, and this is what I advise you to do......

USE A DONOR YOU DO NOT KNOW

The chances for her getting diseases and other issues will arrise if you go this route.


My next question is how close are you two really? It seems as if she is willing to leave you to have another mans child... not stay with you.

There are other issues here that need to be addressed before you even THINK about bringing a child into the equation.

I love my husband to death.... I would NEVER NEVER NEVER even think about sleeping with another man just to get pregnant.... I would rather be childless and happy with him.

[SFBaygirl]

Tygerlilly: Congratulations on your twins!!! You make an excellent point about there being some major issues here to resolve before even thinking about children.

I agree wholeheartedly about rather being happy with my DH and no children than sleeping with another man to get pregnant.

[cathie]

Originally Posted by Retroys

Hi people,

I recently have been finding myself in a very tough situation. My girlfriend and I obviously both really want a child. She has PCOS which makes it more difficult but she has normal ovulations and should be able to conceive. However I recently got the news I dont have super sperm and in fact not very good at all. Obviously this it tough, I am having some more tests done as I have been ill and had an infection as well (which both I read can create low mortility and bad sperm, is that correct?), so hoping for the best.
Her conditions does so that she can stop ovulating at any time pretty much and she is dying to be a mum.

However, girlfriend has a couple of previous partners and a friend who offered to help her if she really wanted to become pregnant. Now the thing is she wants to do this if my sperm cannot be used to get pregnant, as she almost with 98% security turned down possibility of IVF and sperm donor she is apparently not even considering. Instead its sex with a previous partner to get pregnant.

Look here is the thing I really want to do everything for her, but is it really so wrong of me to both understand her and still want to leave her if she goes through with that? I am confused and cannot make up my mind as I really do love her, but this I just cannot accept, plus I know for certain I want a child of my own otherwise my interest will not be there, and that I cannot share with her as I know she will not understand that, she tends to only understand her own situation.

Am I a bad person for wanting to leave her if she will go through with that? I really want her to have a child even if it cannot be with me, but I just dont feel I can be there, emotionally I think I would be lost after that.

I am really looking for some guidance here. Thanks for reading guys!

OMG ! Me andmy hubby have been at this for about 18 years and I have never thought that way and I think she needs to talk to some one to get her head on strait there are so many different ways to get PG and that is not the right way ! I want a baby more than life its self but I would never sleep with an other man to get a baby ! Good luck and I'll pray things work out for the best !!!

[Aimers1]

I totally agree with everyone else! If your gf is thinking that sex with another man is the way to go without considering any other alternatives, the two of you need to have a big talk. If she's serious about this, then I think it would probably be best for you to move on. She's obviously not committed to your relationship and is thinking very selfishly about this. If you have a talk and tell her how hurtful you find this and that you would not be comfortable with it... I just know that I would never consider saying something like that to my husband, and can't even begin to imagine how he would feel if I did. Good luck to you. I hope that you're able to work this out either way.

[momearth]

Sorry to hear, but your girlfriend's idea is funny/weird/not cool at all and you are too sweet a person to even doubt that you are a bad guy here....relax you are not wrong!! And as someone has mentioned in earlier post - control it now before it becomes a nightmare....
Do not love someone so much that they start taking advantage of you.... set limits!

Talk to her that you would like to be biologically involved as well .... and she needs to consider IVF!

I can't stop thinking about it so i came to edit my post to add these lines...as Aimers1 said above - "move on" - if she is serious about her idea - there is nothing to discuss...move on! Is bearing a child more important than your relationship?