[BenB77]

I'm new here and my wife and I are just starting our first cycle of IVF. I'm 31 and she's 35, and we've been married for a year. We realized that we were going to have fertility problems even before we got married when we found out that I had a 0 sperm count. We started to look into why I had no sperm but quickly realized that finding the answers was going to be a slow process. Also, through these tests we learned that I was a carrier for cystic fibrosis (Type I diabetes is also prevalent in my family). In short, we decided that donor sperm was the way to go. Now that we are going through IVF, I'm starting to feel down that I can't be more involved in the process. I go to the appointments with my wife, but am not allowed to go back with her when she has procedures done. Some procedures are getting rough for her, and I don't want her to feel that she has to "go it alone". I'm also struggling with the fact that when we do have a child, it will biologically belong to my wife but not to me. I know that I will be a good father no matter what, but I feel like I'm grieving the fact that I can't be a biological father. This coupled with the fact that I don't feel like I'm part of the IVF process is really making things tough. Just trying to find out if there are any other fathers out there that are dealing with the same problems.

[mnm000]

Hi there, and welcome! It takes a very strong person to be willing to admit and willingly talk about their feelings. You've found the right place. The worries you describe regarding using donor sperm (or sometime donor eggs) are worries that I've heard from everyone who makes that decision. I think it's normal, and healthy to have these worries.
As far as supporting your wife, it is great that you want to be there for her during the procedures. I'm surprised that at your clinic you aren't allowed to be present. My DH goes to the majority of the appointments with me, and has always been allowed to be present during treatments and tests. Have you voiced your concern to your doctor? Honestly, if my DH wasn't allowed to be with me, it would be enough for me to think about changing doctors!
Good luck to you and your wife.

[jana]

Ben, While I am the one with the issue of IF, I just wanted to say a couple of things. Even though that baby will not biologically be yours, he or she will be yours in all the ways that it matters. When you look down at that little life, you will know instantly that this is your child. The part about not feeling like part of the process, I think most men feel that way. I know my DH does. I'm the one that has to take all the meds, do all the testing, etc. I try to make him feel like part of the process by having him do my injections. We have only had one test that he couldn't be with me for. You should be allowed to go into all of the ultrasounds, IUI's, and be in the room when the RE speaks with her. If not, I'd be moving on to another clinic. Remember you name will be the one on that birth certificate......noone else. Good luck and god bless you and your wife. This is a tough journey, and it's great to have support.

[chantalTTC]

Welcome Ben - you've found a great forum here. I hope you get as much support from it as I have. Our issue is with my eggs, so we just finished a donor egg IVF cycle. I faced all the same concerns you've expressed and I've come to terms with reality. I know in my heart this is what I have to do to be a mom and have a family. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by reaching out and by acknowledging your feelings. It is totally natural to feel a host of emotions related to donor sperm/egg. It's certainly not the way any of us dreamed of becoming a parent. You're right though, once your child/ren are born, you'll bond immediately.

As for not being allowed to be with your wife, I would absolutely insist on being there. My husband is with me for every one of my appts, blood tests, u/s's, procedures, doc discussions. It is comforting to both of us to go through it together. Not all men feel that way, so your wife is a lucky lady for having such a supportive husband. I hope your clinic changes their policy - if not, I would seriously consider moving on. It's critical you have complete comfort and faith in your clinic as this process is stressful enough without throwing more into the mix.

Best wishes to you and your wife. I hope you have your success story soon!

[babybearjmd]

Welcome to the forum, Ben. You and your wife sound a like a very strong couple. It is very difficult going throuhg all of this infertility mess. My husband is also azoospermic, but we were lucky enough to find sperm via biopsy in January. I know of one other husband on this forum that is going through something similar to you. His user mane is azoodude and he and his wife post on the IVF in March~buddies wanted thread. You should check it out. Also if you or your wife wants any other support, there is an Azoospermia thread. All of the women on that thread have husband's with azoospermia or oligospermia. Good luck to you!

[themalefactor]

Hey Ben

I just joined the forum and I'm in a similar situation to you. I wondered how you are doing and if things are still the same for you?

I have no sperm and we are using donor sperm, starting IUI next month and then IVF from August. I have been going through phases of struggling with the biological factor too, and just wondered where you are at with things.

Would be good to chat to you.

LJ

[Sunflower]

I may sound stupid, but Wikipedia says that males with cystic fibrosis are 97% sterile, but they DO make the sperms, it's just they can't come out (no vas).

Did you undergo biopsy or punction?

[leolady728]

Hi Ben Im new here as well and am in your same situation, except Im the wife whose husband has zero sperm. I was kinda excited reading your post until I got to the part about how you feel using donor sperm and dealing with this not being your biological child. THAT IS EXACTLY HOW MY HUSBAND FEELS! We have yet to begin discussing using donor sperm (it came up once as a possible alternative-he was completly against it) let alone actually having procedures done.

How did you come to terms with deciding to use donor sperm? I want my husband to at least consider the option, so Im curious on what helped you see things differently.

Anyway good luck to you and your wife.

LL

[lauren5290]

LL- We are in the same boat as you. My dh has azoospermia and we just had a failed tese. So far he is against using donor sperm and honestly is having a hard time getting excited about any options, as he really wanted a bio child. I feel very hopeless and lost. How are you all handling this? What does your dh want to do?