[Kellileanne]

DH and I have been having problems lately. Well, we have always had a problem with communication but were in counseling but he has now reverted back to the way he was before counseling. Anyway, to get to what is going on right now. DH always says that when I need help to let him know. He went to take a nap at about 3:30pm. It has now been 12 hours and he refuses to even sit down stairs with Caitlin so I can pump (on meds for a sinus infection I am not sure are safe for her so I am pumping and dumping and I am exausted and feeling horrible). Says it is my night so I should just pump downstairs. Ok, so anyone who has ever pumped you know how loud it is and I finally got Caitlin to lay down--he knows how loud the pump is, he likes to laugh at me when he comes in the room and I am pumping.

Lately he just wants to play his xbox. When I go to take a shower I get out and can hear Caitlin screaming. I come down stairs to find he is holding her in his lap playing his game letting her scream her head off!!! I can not believe someone would let their child just scream like that! He doesn't pay the attention to her that I think he needs to when he is holding her. I have explained three times in the last two days that she needs interaction now, she is old enough that she is really studying faces and will coo back and smile. He will do it for maybe a minute and go back to his game, with her screaming in his lap.

I don't know what to do at this point. I don't feel like he even cares at all and doesn't respect me. He constantly degrades me, giving me a list of things to try when she is fussy----duh!!! I have three nephews, I know what to do with a baby! I took her upstairs for a bath (at 9pm when he got up to get another soda) and he undressed her for me and then ridiculed me because she had a wet diaper. Ok, it wasn't that wet!!!! He is horrible at giving her a bottle. Just gives up and says she doesn't want it and continues his game with her again screaming in his lap. I pick her up and she takes the bottle right away!!! WTH!!! I just don't get it! He acts like I don't know what I am doing but he is the one constantly telling me that he doesn't know what she wants!

Thanks for letting me rant ladies, I just don't know how much more of this I can take. We are definately going to have to get back into counseling but my current babysitter is 30 minutes one way.

[jenedens6102]

Kelli, I am so sorry to hear this. Unfortunately I have heard that having your first child can really stress a marriage because for so long you are used to it just being the two of you and get comfortable with your lives and routines. But the baby does need to come first. I have a set of friends who both neglected their first daughter by constantly being on the computer playing games, checking their myspace and talking on instant messengers. She is going to be 3 in April and still doesn't know how to string a sentence together and even in daycare has an issue playing with others and getting that attention because for her first two years she didn't. It was mom and dad laying her on the floor with a pillow to prop her bottle or putting in a movie so they couldn't be disturbed. However, over time it's worked out and now that they have a second daughter it's kind of the lived and learned situation. As for your marriage I think it's time for a date night. Find someone, anyone you can trust, to come in and watch Caitlin for a few hours and you guys go out to eat, go to a movie, or just go someplace quiet where you can talk and let it all out. Tell him that you still need him, he's your partner and your support. Caitlin needs him and she needs to feel like she's a joy not a burden to him. He can still play his xbox (I'll have this same issue with DH I'm sure but his is computer games) but when she's napping or asleep for the night and you don't need him. Try getting him to start shadowing you in a sense to understand how much needs done with her in a day, do those things together. For instance one makes the bottle while the other feeds, one changes the diaper while the other gets the clothes changed, give her a bath together, etc. I know that another one of my friend's DH loves his kids but he finds it hard to find his place with them until they are a few months old and smiling at him. That single act melts his heart and he's hooked. He loves to make them smile and laugh and then they start to bond. His feeling was that since the babies were both breastfed that they didn't need him but they do. I hope this helps. Counseling sounds like the right step but opening up the lines now will be so much better. Best of luck.

[evita]

Kelli, i can understand your situation, it does happen when a new member arrives in the family and it is difficult for parents to adjust. It is also possible that he requires more of your attention and you are 24x7 busy with the baby...men are like that..though they may not say but they need the attention. I have been reading your posts and have realized that Caitlin has been having sleep issues too. Though i am yet to have my baby, hope you dont mind a few words from me. It might help. It will be better if you put Caitlin on a structured routine so that you get time for yourself too when she sleeps. Time for yourself is very important...she also needs a calm environment at this stage, so be careful that there is not much of noise and stimulus for her. Once the baby is under your control then other things will soon fall into place. You require a baby sitter full time for some days if possible. And when Caitlin's routine falls into place you can manage it on your own. Good luck and keep us posted. It is very easy to get married but difficult to stay married. Both partners have to work on it.

[liv]

Just wanted to put something in here...My husband has never been the great communicator (not a surprise, I'm sure). We wanted our baby so bad and had prepared, read about, etc. that when he came both of us acted like a bunch of know-it-alls. After three years now, I can see that we are all pretty well over the top about what we think our children need. They don't need to have constant attention. They need to be able to adjust to different environments and people. The main thing I have been a robot about has been my son's sleep schedule (goes to bed now at 6:30 or 7-7am). It's good for him and it's good for us. Parents actually do need to spend some time doing what they like or want to do.

Fathers have different relationships with their kids than we mothers. My time with my child is all about interacting constantly and taking care of laundry, feeding, etc. My husband does not worry about things so much (as I am taking care of it) and he is the fun person. They run around the yard, watch football, etc.

I will say that we had many arguments about how things should be done for our son (and still do but not to the same extent). Ultimately, it doesn't help your child to be stressed out and angry. Being wet for a couple extra minutes or crying isn't the end of the world. What IS the end of the world is when mommy and daddy can't get past themselves, loosen up and enjoy each other and their baby. There is no right or wrong way of doing things. I used to think I needed every piece of gear known to man (all with very detailed instructions) and now I know that none of it is really necessary. Woman have been having and raising children since the beginning of time. We can make sure that they are fed, dry and clean and loved.

In regard to sleep, we did read the "Happiest Baby on the Block." It was a pretty good guide. My child (and all children it seems) have sleep troubles early on, but we were able at around 10 months to get some regularity (minus teething, sickness, fear of the dark..). I have been really pleased with his sleep so far. I don't remember anyone saying how major sleep is to deal with for whatever reason...it was a big shock to us.

I ramble. You may be able to find some articles about marriage during the first year after having a child on the internet. You will go back and forth with being okay with how things are going. Ultimately, I think it is about perservering and it will pass.

Just my thoughts,
liv

[sarah16]

I don't have any new advice that the other ladies haven't already shared with you. I just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you and I hope that your DH can come around and give you the help you need.

[t2j]

You have been given some real good advice. I will try to give you some from a male perspective, as for some reason dh's friends talk to me all the time about marrital issues and so on and so forth. I would say that if you have not been married long, it could be an attention thing, but that's not the case at all as it does not matter how long you guys have been together. Even if your man spends lots of time out with guys, there is an attention needed meter with the male species. They will hardly ever come out and say it's true. If the baby's lack of sleep is depriving your sex life or it's still too soon after the birth, that can play a huge factor as well.
Some men do not appreciate being told what they need to do, rather asked for help. On that same note, some guys like to figure things out by trial and error and need to do things on their own. A man does not want another mom, they have one already.

If you are still having problems with your baby's sleeping issues, ask a doctor for help. Ask dh to go with you to the doctor's appointment, let him know you need his support when you go. That way he is hearing the words straight from the doc, not just you. Men are like children in some sense, when they are being talked at after three minutes....they are in lala land and have shut you out.

Hope this insight helps, as these have been issues dh's friends have stated to me more times than not.

Remember to take care of yourself too. A baby can cry for a little bit...it's good for them. Best wishes

[ScootiesGirl]

The other ladies gave great advice...I just wanted to give you a .

[mrsjanowski]

I'm sorry I don't have any new advice for you, but I wanted to wish you the best of luck in your situation. Hope all goes well and that you are both able to come to come together with all of this.

[Kellileanne]

Thank you for all the advice. I have tried to talk to DH a couple of times and he remembers conversations differently (a constant problem) than I do and he also brings up stuff from 4 years ago just to upset me and try to "win". He just keeps telling me that I need counseling to get over my "issues". WTF!!!! I am the only one with issues--yeah right! I feel as though I am being attacked every time I tell him my honest feelings! He is so judgemental of my family and anything I do. Everything has to be his way or it is wrong or stupid. He likes the word stupid and to tell me I am being stupid. I just don't get it. He is an attention hog I can tell you that much (and ADD)! He was the youngest born when his mom was 40 and always has had a desperate need for attention and everything to be "fair". The baby getting all the attention from me is the biggest problem I think. He is not the center of my world anymore, there is nothing I can do to change that. He acts like an a** around my family and sometimes in public, it gets way out of hand! I just don't get this childish behavior!!! He treats me horribly and then in just a few minutes acts like everything is fine and dandy and doesn't understand why I am upset! I just really need him to take a deep breath and look around!!! What he feels like are his downfalls are NOT MY FAULT!!! I don't feel like he is suporting me at all!

[lorenali]

Hey there...I feel for you I really do. Listen, I will share this with you and all that read it. I have been married prior to my current dh. Although my marriage now is good - it requires major work all the time. Work and sacrafice and letting things go when you really really don't want to. My former husband was verbally and mentally abusive to me - and had a drinking problem, but I loved him - and put up with it. My current dh will make a wonderful father, but still likes to be a 'kid' at times. Loves to go out drinking with his buddies - and not call (not all the time of course, but when he does..it burns me up especially now). Like Trish said, hates to be told what to do and when - likes to do things on his own. And like you have mentioned, loves to get over things in 5 mins and forgets the reasons why we argued in the first place. So you are not alone - though many of these things happened with my exhusband as well, the major difference I have now is that DH and I have respect for each other. Respect is a key thing....and though it's not constant, I remind him that if we do not have respect for each other - we have nothing.

I share this because I have been through hell and back with my ex husband. I never considered having children until I met my current dh - and I never thought I was deserving of it. Please remember you are deserving of being a mother and you also deserve a good marriage. You deserve it...

A gentle reminder to your dh might be in store - reminding him that you are his 'fine china' and he is your 'fine china'. You respect it and take care of it as a precious gift. You will grow together with your dd and you will also learn together. Making mistakes - that's normal...everyone makes them.

I am sure you two love each other much and have been through a hard time with fertility like all of us. Just let him know and lay the cards on the table with him - and remind him that you respect him - and expect the same from him. Fine china! right? If this doesn't work..head to counseling again and make the sacrafice on the sitter....it's worth saving your marriage.

All my best for a good outcome..feel free to PM me or to vent anytime...I know we all have to vent here and there...it helps.

[liv]

This should be the most popular thread. I always have to remind myself that my husband cannot be all things to me. He will never fulfill the "dream husband" role and I doubt any of ours will. They might want children for different reasons than we do (more than likely). We are different in how we look at things, what we want, etc. I look for coexistence in my marriage where there is some overlap in the middle and our own individuality on the edges. When I married my husband he had the same things going on that he does now...we all knew what we were getting ourselves into. You have to decide if the good outweighs the bad. Quite frankly, all men or partners (for that matter) are going to offer good and bad...things you can't stand and things you can't live without. Mine can't fix a darned thing around the house (a fixer upper he just HAD to have), but he's one heck of a father and I know that there is one more person in this world that loves my child just as much as me. So I guess we can't expect all things from one person...we can get some of the other things we need from friends and family (and maybe a paid handyman!) and just appreciate that we are all human, with flaws and all.

He won't stop being a baby probably. Maybe he will be less of a baby. Him being so childlike may come in handy for you where your child is concerned. You aren't catching me on the floor rolling around and wrestling, etc. Your child will benefit from your differences and your similarities.

You are not alone. Regular counseling is a step in the right direction...and then...a good healthy dose of tolerance!

liv