[MissBish]

Erin...I also know your pain. You need to not be hard on yourself. I remember thinking the same "what if" thoughts. Those very thoughts will drive you crazy. I did it just before my last cycle. I was more scared of getting pregnant than the actually round of IVF. Please for now take all the time you need to heal emotionally and physically. This forum is such a wonderful place and saved me so much from my pain. To have other women know what I was going through and what I was feeling was a true comfort. I am stronger today because of this place.

I will say that my marriage actually has gotten stronger through all that we have been through with IF.

[chuchu]

Dear Erin,

I have been thinking a lot about you. I am glad that you have started to heal.

I am also having a D&C tomorrow morning. I am pretty scared about it. There was no heartbeat at today's u/s. RE believes the cause is genetic.

Since my last u/s, seven days ago, I have been a wreck. I tried to work 3 days but it was overwhelming. I have been at home since Sunday and every day I have been feeling a little bit better. I am still sad but can manage it today.

DH and I are trying to support each other now but it is very tough. Some moments I can feel the tension between both of us. We are trying so hard to go over this.

Our families live abroad so we have to go throught all this by ourselves.

Some days ago I thought about not TTC again because of all IF journey. For me, more than a physical toll, there is a huge emotional toll. As the days have progressed, I have been a little bit more positive. I didn't want to take care of myself in daily activities. I was so upset with everyone and everything, but especially with God. This huge pain is easing bit by bit and I hope I will be back.

I asked DH that we shouldn't force the healing, just let it be. For the very first time in my life, I have really put myself first and I have allowed my emotions to flow freely. Doing this has really helped. Today I have received the worst news ever and was able to cope with it.

I really hope you get better soon. You are in my thoughts.

[meremere]

Erin and Claudia,
Ladies I can understand your pain and know what you are going through. I was "due" on Christmas and lost the baby, I was due on my FIL's b-day and lost the baby I was due on my mothers b-day and lost the baby and was due on Thanksgiving and lost the baby. When I found out I was preg. last time I actually threw the test at my husband telling him congradu-filppin-lations. I was not happy about it at all becuase I was so so scared. Well as you can see I have the light of my life now, Jason. I was actually due again on my mothers birthday and instead I almost had him on my brothers b-day a month early!
Anyway I know the fear you have but you need to cling to your DH and lean on him. Over the years we have been through this ( 4+ years) I have leaned on DH a lot and he was/is wonderful. After the baby was harder on our relationship then the losses ( his parents are CRAZY!!! and caused issues but we are working it out!)
Anyway, do not ignore your pain and grief, take time to understand it, deal with it and hurt together! It will never really go away, it will always be with you as a reminder but it will get better!
When you finally have your blessing in your arms you will realize how important the lessons were in IF and understand what you went through it all for!

Erin, please have the blood clotting thing looked into, they can fix it and you will have a hard pregnancy but you can have one! It took 4 pregnancies to find it in me and on the last one it was to late when we found out to start the shots, this one we started fast and it made the difference!
You are both in my heart and in my prayers!

[Kelskup]

Erin:

I am so sorry you are going through this. And I totally understand your fear of the next pregnancy. I went through the same things and envied women who have never gone through this and never had that fear and trepidation every day the first few weeks... that need to run to the bathroom every half hour to check if there is any bleeding. I thought I would never be able to enjoy a pregnancy.. .However I have to say as much as we fear the worst, we can't help but get excited and embrace it as well.

When I got my last BFP... I told everyone I wasn't getting my hopes up, which I felt was the right approach, to avoid being hurt so badly. But in reality it was a croc, because of course my hopes were up. I then made the decision that if it were to turn out to be a lasting pregnancy, I would hate to look back and not to have enjoyed every moment of it. And I am happy to say this one looks like the one.

After every miscarriage, I thought, "I can't possibly go through this again", but then a month or so would pass, and I would remember how much I wanted a baby and would jump back in, ready to take on whatever was to come next. It is such a cruel and painful journey, however there are so many success stories.

Give yourself time to heal. It is great you have a good Dr... that makes such a difference.

We are all here to support you. Lean on you husband as much as you can. I could not have gotten through it all without my husband's strength and support.

My thought are with you.