[ekburke]

Hi Missy,

I had one of those days as well. I truly believe that God does underestimate his abilities....at least in regard to my life.

My Beta is 64 which they say is good...but I want 0 so I have closure and can think about the next time.

I have been seeing a counselor to help me deal with all of this and I can say that although she is not terrible helpful with things to do to help, she is someone to listen and agree that my life sucks! Dh came with me yesterday and I think he finally gets how dead I feel about all of this...it was an eye opener for him. God love him!

Hope everyone is doing well...I too may partake in some Sangria this evening...why the hell not!

Wishing you all a safe and restful weekend!

PS...does anyone else find themselves stalking the march due date buddies forum...I am addicted...I think I like to make myself miserable!

,
Erin

[chuchu]

I am so happy everybody liked the Sangria recipe!! I will also have some after work as we watch the Olympics.

Yesterday was an Ok day until my ex-SIL (my brother and she got a divorce this year) called me. I have noticed that I get so teary when I talk or write about my m/c with someone that has an emotional link to me. She was very supportive and I really thanked her for calling me long distance.

The best words that had helped these days: "You are a warrior" and "You are so strong". During my worst days my self-talk was the opposite: "I am defeated" or "I don't have anything". I was so depressed and my self-confidence was 0. These more positive messages have reminded me of who am I and most importantly, who I want to be after m/c. I am starting to think that maybe it is possible that this experience will make me a better person.

If I don't recover in the next 6 weeks I will look for some professional help. I love going to therapy!! I have had 4 in my life and each of them was wonderful.

Jaime, how are you doing? Do you have some answers from you doctor's appointment.

Erin, I hope Hcg goes to 0 this upcoming week!

Teresa, thanks for giving the brand of your Prenatals.

Missy, Money, Money, Money!!! We are saving for our next cycle. DH says that we could go back to Peru on January. We need 5-6 K.

I have to run to work.

[historyteach]

hello my warrior sisters, i hope that this finds you still fighting and feeling that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

missy - i wish i had some cash for you but have you thought about applying for another credit card? we paid for half than put some on my credit card and some on my Dh's card - not the ideal situation but i keep applying for zero percent cards and it is alot better than 16%!!! i pray that you find peace honey!!!

chuchu - i am glad that you have a plan in the future. i also agree that if you still feel 'defeated' after six weeks than it is time to find someone to talk to.

erin - sweeite, i am glad that your DH finally realizes what you are going thru and that you found someone to listen to you and about the due date thread, after my first i was addicted to the december thread, and i check out the belly picks of those ladies that were close to my due date and wonder how i would look, so you are not alone in that, i think that it is part of the whole healing process.

as for me, nothing new. had a brief moment today when i ran into someone that is pregnant and is due about the same time as my first little angel. i don't know about you but i think that i need to do something on those days or i might go insane. i informed DH that if i am not pregnant before 12-1, EDD for angel #1 than he better watch out because it probably is not going to be pretty.

ladies, i hope that each day you realize what can of strength that each of you possess and i pray that one day you have peace and will hold your own little one in your arms

[DANIgrl]

Hi ladies...My wounds are still very fresh. We lost the baby at 12 1/2 wks.
What should have been an routine OB appt last Monday turned into a nightmare. OB couldn't find HB with his handheld monitor. He didn't seem concerned bc my uterus is retroverted so he tried again this time pushing up with other hand...fingers actually attempting to lift my uterus. Still no hb. He said he still wasn't concerned... WT F? and knew I had appt scheduled the following day (Tues) with a Perinatologist to discuss CVS due to my advanced maternal age. He said no need to do an u/s since Peri will do one tomorrow...unless you really want one....Well hell yes I wanted one! I already went thru a mc in November at 6 - 7 weeks so I was worried even though he wasn't!!
He made a phone call and got me in for an u/s right away. I didn't know the u/s place was not in his office although it was just a few offices down the hall in the same bldg. So I got dressed and down the hall I go. I didn't even call DH at this point. He didn't come with me this day b/c he was going to miss work the following day to be with me all day for Pernatologist appt. Well the u/s tech kept apologizing, first I think for the cold gel, then kept saying "I'm sorry" over and over in a nervous way as if she was hurting me but then I realized there was no HB and said "you don't see anything do you?" She just said "I'm sorry, its been a bad day." She quickly did a vaginal and same thing...no movement at all. This was the first U/S I had since 7 wks at RE's office when it still looked like a bean, so this was the first time I actually saw it look like a baby. Can't get that image out, not that I want to, but when she turned on the color screen, that shows blood flow or heat or whatever, there was nothing except a few spots away from the baby. Thats when I knew for sure.
I got dressed once again and walked alone and numb back to OB's office and he said he really wasn't expecting this. I called DH and he couldn't believe it. He started driving to meet me right away. The Dr explained D/C (which I am familiar since I just had one in November) and said he knows it has to be chromosomal abnormality. Dr was able to get me in for D/C the following day...he cleared his sched for me as i wanted to get it over with, and DH aleady planned to be with me for Perinatologist appt on Tues anyway. I also asked him to have the testing done although he says he doesn't usually do that.
So Tuesday we spent all day at the Hospital for the procedure. I was numb for a few days and almost seems that it has been harder the last few days.
I was supposed to be 12 1/2 weeks but the baby measured at 10 weeks. I had no signs at all...no spotting or cramping. At the beginning of my OB appt, as I was being weighed by the nurse, I mentioned how I didn't "feel Pregnant anymore". Of course she explained it away and said I as in the transition stage of 1st trimester to 2nd. I swear I felt as if I stopped growing and was actually getting smaller and the MS stopped suddenly. Since I have never been 12 wks pg before, I didn't know what changes, if any to expect.

Well, that's it. Sorry about the ranting or wordiness.

DH has been great...up 'til this evening when he invited a friend over to watch a fight on PPView. We got into an argument over it. He told me 1 1/2 hrs before his friend was coming over, didn't even ask how I felt about it... I guess he has his way of recovering and I have mine. He still should have considered how I felt. I just don't feel like being around others yet and having to smile and be sociable. Sorry, girls but this is obviously still so fresh.

He did have a huge, I mean huge, exotic flower arrangement delivered to the house today. It is beautiful. But I am still mad at him. He knew for days that he invited his friend, who is loud, etc. but failed to mention it to me for fear I would day no. How inconsiderate is that?
Sorry, I am just so p'd off!

My RE left me a message a few days ago (OB called him with the news) offering his sincere apologies and when I'm ready, would like to see us again to talk about things. Am trying to move toward that.
Sorry for the long post, but I haven't had many to discuss this with since we only told ab 2 people about our pregancy...for this reason I suppose...but now I have found you guys. Thanks for listening.... I just left a post on my due date buddies thread to as well, but can't keep checking into that thread ya know?

[historyteach]

dani - i am so sorry for your loss. i know how hard it is to deal with people when you can't get your mind off of what just happened. please do not feel bad about the getting things off your chest, that is what we are here for. i wish there was something something that i can say but remember how strong of a person you are and you will get thru this.

i am also sorry about your Dh's behavior, i agree, it was a little out of line. but they just deal with things different and i swear half the time they don't even think. i wish you all the best and please know that we are here for you, i pray that you find your strength and find peace

[chuchu]

Dani, I am truly sorry about the sad news!! I totally understand you on your feelings and the need to get all this out of your chest.

I truly admire women like you and Jaime that after a m/c decided to go thru another IVF cycle. I am still trying to reorganize my strength and gather myself after my m/c.

I totally understand that you didn't want to be social... I work with customers (probably hundreds a day) and it was so hard the first days after m/c to smile and be nice that I could not be there. For a moment, I thought I was not going to be able to smile again at strangers. But, two weeks later I could spontaneously.... I was so happy to see that I could be ME again! This will also happen to you!!

An yes, men cope differently than us but they have the same feelings. Two days ago DH told me he felt very sad every time he saw a pregnant woman and that he has had body pains.

Jaime, I loved your words: "warrior sisters". Very inspiring! That's how I feel many times. When I daydream, trying to escape from "what it is", I wish we could just conceive naturally and have wonderful pregnancies. I know that we will suceed and become mothers SOON!!

[Onemiracle]

Thank you for creating this thread. Reading other people's experiences helps me feel a bit more "normal" and put my experiences in perspective.

Chuchu - Thank you for the nudge to join in I needed that!

My status:

Waiting for the mc to take place. The RE would prefer for things to happen naturally. So now, I wait.

I am a little worried since not much has happened yet. Just how long can we wait?

Also, I am worried because we have a big family party at the end of August. If the mc is going on then.. I am not sure if i want to travel. (I could travel, but all the really bad things that happened this year happened when we were traveling.)

[chuchu]

OneMiracle, Welcome!! When was your last doctor's appointment? How are you feeling? My RE gave us two choices: to wait for natural m/c or D&C. We choose D&C because we wanted the genetic testing done. I don't have any experience with other optiong, so I cannot help you on that. I wish you get over this soon.

[laurelamy]

Hi everyone, I recognize a lot of you from the June and July IVF threads. Like someone said earlier, I wish that I were seeing you again under better circumstances. I had my first bad news 10 days after my BFP when a blood test showed that my hcg wasn't rising like it should be. My u/s on 8/1 showed a much too small sac, and then on Friday I had another u/s which showed that the sac hadn't grown from the previous week. I took Cytotec to induce the m/c yesterday and now I just have cramping and bleeding. This is so hard! I knew two weeks ago that it was pretty much over and I thought I had made my peace with it. But ever since I took the Cytotec I've just been a basketcase! It is so nice to read all of your posts. It helps me feel more normal and at least like there are people who understand. My DH has been awesome and so supportive, even though he's feeling as rotten as I am (minus the cramps).

Missy and Claudia, DH and I just moved from A2 to Colorado in June! I miss it so much! We had such great friends there and there's always something to do! It's hard to make friends in a new place when you're going through IVF! Missy, you said you're an avid tailgater and I'm SO envious that you'll be at the games this fall! I will miss that sooo much! DH and I had season tickets. I can't wait for the season to start so that I can have a "healthy" outlet for my emotions! I am that we have a great season but I'm am a bit anxious to see how the team does under the new coach.

Erin, pregnant women make me sad, too. And angry, and envious, and annoyed...the list goes on and on... This is normal...right?

[ekburke]

Laura,

I guess it is normal to have an array of emotions when we see a pregnant woman. Someone is another thread apparantly had twins via IVF a few years ago and is disappointed that she is now carrying a singleton. That hurt me worse than anything I have read lately. Why be disappointed for one...it beats where we all are!

I had an okay weekend...I spent the weekend at my mother in laws...she takes great care of us...she only lives 25 minutes away, but it was a change of venue.

Do any of you feel sad in your own home as that was the place you dealt with alot of the fear and sickness. I have a rough time being home lately. I told my Dh it is a sad house.


Hope you are all holding up...you guys keep me from completly losing my mind!

Erin

[Mamaof2hoping4more]

Originally Posted by Onemiracle

Thank you for creating this thread. Reading other people's experiences helps me feel a bit more "normal" and put my experiences in perspective.

Chuchu - Thank you for the nudge to join in I needed that!

My status:

Waiting for the mc to take place. The RE would prefer for things to happen naturally. So now, I wait.

I am a little worried since not much has happened yet. Just how long can we wait?

Also, I am worried because we have a big family party at the end of August. If the mc is going on then.. I am not sure if i want to travel. (I could travel, but all the really bad things that happened this year happened when we were traveling.)

Hello girls. Hope you don't mind me joining.

We had tried for nearly 2 yrs and when our 4th IUI was a success I just knew something wasn't right from the day I got my BFP, but I blamed fear for our previous failed cycles. We had an u/s done on 7/15 which showed a hb of 102bpm, I was only 6wks, of course the dr was an Ahole and very negative, so I came home and did some research to see if our baby's hb was good for being 6wks gestation, which I found it was, but I still had fear. Got a second opinion with another dr at the hospital on 7/21 we couldn't see a HB but the dr felt it was due to my uterus being tilted and the baby had measured 6wks 1 day and the gest. sac still measured 6wks, I knew right there it was over, but the dr wasn't concerned. On 7/25 I woke up with spotting then hit with massive abdominal pain. Called and got in for another u/s which only showed minimal growth and there was no HB. I was told to stop all meds and allow nature to take its course. So I waited and waited, and waited some more. Nothing happened. I called the midwives office to see what we can do because I just felt it was wrong for them to make me go through this. They told me they don't do D&C's anymore and its better to allow for nature to take it's course. The week of 7/28 to 8/2 I had spotted on/off brown and red, but more brown after several calls to the midwives, finally talked to one who set me up with an OB to do a D&C but I requested an U/S to make sure. So on 8/4 I had a comfirmatory U/S which showed no change. That night I started bleeding and had passed a few small clots then a golf ball size clot, I thought for sure that was our angel. Yes we kept it to take it into the Dr on Tues. Had appt on tues with the best and wonderful OB. He checked me out and said my cervix was still closed and requested I have an U/S which I had one and it showed the sac still in utero. Went back and discussed an alternative option, whcih was to take Misoprostol over the D&C. Let me tell you this option was given to me by the midwives but I refused it because of the side effects. Well I felt better about the medication after talking with this OB, I guess it's better when you talk to someone in person than over the phone. What convinced my DH was that the OB said if I were his wife he'd have me take it. So after our appt. Went to get the meds filled, waited until DH got home from work and sat there debating for almost 2 hours with my emotions and tears, finally I took it. 30 mins later took pain meds because I didn't know what was ahead of me. Several hours later I started "labor" and within 15mins everything was done and over with. Didn't sleep much that night. Called the Dr's the next morning to get in for a quick scan. Right before jumping in the shower, went potty, and our precious angel was born (sorta speak)@ 9wks Went in and the u/s confirmed my uterus was empty. After a few days my depression is finally hitting me. So that's my story.

Onemiracle~I am sorry to hear of your loss and your situation sounds like mine, as you can see I went through a very emotional rollercoaster. Now I am not sure how far along you are/were, but I feel if nothing has happened by now, you should request either the Misoprostol or a D&C. Often times women have missed miscarriages (which mine was) and will need help. I wish you the best of luck and just know we are all here.

[Pricklecushion]

Danigrl,

I felt so sad reading your story. I can't even imagine how you feel, but I felt like I was there with you while I read your story. This is such a hard thing to go through and I hope you can keep reaching out to us because it is too hard to do it alone. I tended to isolate after I found out, but I realize that only made me more depressed.

I look forward to hearing more from you. Take care!

-Teresa

[Pricklecushion]

OneMiracle,
I'm sorry you are in a sort of holding pattern with waiting for something to happen. That must be hard especially with your family trip coming up.

Laurel,
I'm so sorry about your loss. I think I had the same reaction after my shot. It definitely made me a lot more emotional and depressed. I'm not sure if Cytotec is the same as Methotrexate, but I had the cramping and bleeding after my shots also. I am pretty much back to normal now though. I didn't have bad cramping for too long so hopefully yours will ease up soon.

Colee,
I'm so sorry for all you went through. It sounds like such an emotional rollercoaster like you said. I hope we can help you by being here and sharing our similar stories.

Hello to everyone else! Did anyone make the sangria yet?

-Teresa

[historyteach]

ladies - i am so sorry to say but our little group is growing, i wish that none of us have to go thru this.

laurel - i am so sorry to hear your sad news, and i understand about being a basketcase, i didn't got the natural route but after the last D&E i just sat and cried for days trying to figure everything out, and the more i tried, the more angry, upset, etc. i became. please know that everything you are feeling and are going thru are normal and we are all here for you to help in anyway that we can.

erin - i hear you about being a sad house, we already had a room picked out for the nursery, theme, etc. and now everytime i walk by that room i get a tinge in my heart, i am not sure if that room will ever be used for what we intended. but than i have to convince myself that it is going to happen, dang it, or i think God and I are going to have a pretty heated argument

onemiracle - i agree with the other ladies, that if something hasn't happened by now than you need to talk with your doctor to get meds to help with everything, so you can start moving forward and begin to heal

colee- what a strong woman you are for going thru all that you did. it is amazing the strength that we find in ourselves, i hope that now you can begin to heal and find peace

didn't do much this weekend, i didn't make the sangrias, i think i am going to hold off for a while. i have an appointment with my RE on wednesday and we may be trying in the september cycle, really i have no idea what is going on and i am not sure if i am ready to go thru the heartache again, but the idea of waiting also kills me... like i said, i have no idea what is going on.

i pray that with each passing day each of us finds peace and our faith is renewed in the possibilities of miracles

[Onemiracle]

Thank you for sharing everyone. I dropped by the RE today to pick up some extra lab slips, and I noticed a post-it in my chart mentioning meds or d&c.

I am fully expecting the nurse to call me this afternoon to go over the bloodwork and offer me the choice. Does anyone know which is the fastest route back to ttc?

D&c is over quick, kind of triggers you cycle back into action but uterus needs time to heal.. right?
With the drugs there is faster healing, but may take a while for all systems to reset?

Just trying to gather my thoughts for the conversation. Whatever the decision, i want to pick a path and go with it..

Uh, can you tell I like having a plan? My poor family puts up with me, even at Walt Disney World. I always say "you'll thank me later!' .. they just don't like seeing a detailed schedule for "fun."

....and they do thank me later... as much as they hate to admit it...