[Skittles]

Don't really post much but I am so sad right now that I need to get this off my chest! My DH and I were successful with our first IVF cycle. My first u/s was just yesterday. I thought the day would never come and now I wish it didn't! I am 8 weeks and there was no heartbeat. His statement was..sorry guys...it's not viable..sorry... then he was out of there. I don't want to believe this. Of course I got all the literature on 'impending' miscarriage, inducing miscarriage etc.. but I don't want to believe this. I haven't stopped crying. Everything in my life was finally falling into place and this completely took us by surprise.

How do you go on? We didn't tell anyone about the BFP yet and while I am glad not to have to explain...I really don't want to be around anyone now either, as no one understands what we are going thru.

Thanks for listening.

[Bullywrinkles]

Skittles,
I am so sorry you have to go through this loss. We had a similiar expereince with my last pregnancy. At 9w4d there was no hb, lots of literature, and decisions to make about natural m/c or having a D&C. It all came as such a shock and it was so hard to process. I was so angry that our baby was taken so soon. The heartache was(and still is) painful and it was the worst thing I ever had to go through.

For now, my best advice is to take care of yourself. If you want to stay away from others, do it. Do whatever you need to to get through the immediate loss. Your body will have to recover and just the physical toll that takes can be draining. The worst part is the emotional pain. Cry when you need to cry. Take a walk or watch a movie on tv when you want a break. Try to turn to your DH in this time. Lean on him and ask for help. But most of all be kind to yourself.

When I was in the depths of dispair I spent time talking and crying it out only with those that would understand (DH & my mom). Everyone else could wait till I was not so emotionally raw. After the D&C and when I was feeling better physically I worked on emotional healing. I put together a memory box with letters to my angel, u/s photos, songs, poems, and what few gifts had already been purchased for the baby. Writing out my thoughts and feelings really helped me deal with the grief. It took about a month till I started and a month to finish. DH wrote out stuff too and we put all of it into the box and cried together. But doing this really helped to move forward.

I will pray you find the strength to get through this. There are many wonderful and kind ladies who sadly have been in this position too. You are not alone, if you ever want to talk, please pm me.

Big hug!

[Skittles]

Thanks so much for your kind words. I'm sorry to hear you went thru this. Part of me just wants to believe that the dr. is wrong. But I know better than that! I think what your suggestion is a great way to cope. I had gotten pictures of the embryos and now I'm ready to turf them...I think I will print them and maybe make an album. This was our baby, no matter how far along we were..so why shouldn't I recognize it as such!

What gets to me is the thought that the only reason we got pg was due to IVF and lots of ppl say, oh it will happen again...but most likely not for us (naturally anyway)...so it's like..what's the point of 'trying' again. Do you know what I mean? It's not like next month we'll do it and bang .. prego again. Other ppl just don't get how difficult going thru assisted methods really are. You're always on the dr.s time schedule, and are really at his mercy of WHEN they have another opening for an IVF patient. So depressing.

[J*e*n*_78]

I'm so sorry. I know how you feel not wanting to be around anyone- that is totally normal i think. With my first m/c i didnt talk to anyone/ do anything for at least a few weeks. I was pretty much a hermit. If this is what you feel like doing- do it.
I'm so sorry again- we are all here if you need to vent or cry.

[Bullywrinkles]

You are right, TTC when dealing with IF makes the process so much more complex. It is so frustrating to get the "you can try again" speech from those who don't understand what that really means.

I am sorry this has happened. For now it may be best to just focus on healing. It took a while for me to even think of TTC again while entrenched in the fresh heartache. Right now it probably all seems so defeating and impossible to to try again. And that is ok. One day you will feel better and come through this long dark tunnel with a glimmer of the light of hope. But it may be a while and you will find that some days your focus is to just get through that day. Hell, maybe just to get through that hour. I wish there was something I could say or do to take this pain away.

For now I will just send you a HUGE cyber hug (I know you need it). I am always here to listen and I will pray you find the stregnth to get through these incredibly tough days. Take Care!

[tucansam]

I am sorry to hear of your loss. I went recently went through a loss as well. We are all around if you need to vent or have questions. The girls here are great.

[jeanniemarie_81]

I am so sorry about your loss and know the pain you are going through. We had the same thing happen to us Monday night. It was, is still is, the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Just know that we are all here for you anytime you need to talk. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[littleblue]

my heart aches for your loss. take some time to mourn your . and don't let your loss dissuade you from rejoicing in your next .

i'm sorry your doctor was so distant and stale with the sad news. most of them just don't get it!! if its possible maybe you could try to find someone more compassionate. how is your DH holding up?

[Skittles]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are experiencing the same thing. It really just isn't fair.

[Skittles]

Sorry I'm not very used to this posting stuff. I am so glad that you guys are here though, those you are going thru it, gone thru it and may one day. I know it will get better but it's hard when you're in the grocery store and all you see are pg women, or babies...just makes me tear up every time. Doesn't help that I'm not that young either and the older you get, the faster that clock appears to be ticking. Makes me feel even more sorry for myself! I guess at the end of hte day it doesn't matter when our turn comes as long as it comes!

[Bullywrinkles]

I remember when at times, seeing pregnant women or babies was so very upsetting. I would sit in my car and cry. I was so angry at them for having it all while my happiness was so quickly taken away. I would even avoid walking near the baby dept at the store. I could not bear to see it. But take heart, you are not alone. I found it is very common to have those sorts of feelings while dealing with your loss. Many of the wonderful ladies I met here shared similar stories. It is so unfair and hard to understand just why this happens. And when it is happening to you it can make you feel very isolated. But hang in there. I promise that while the loss of your baby will always be with you, a time will come when you feel better and can face these sorts of things without it being so upsetting.

[girl99]

I'm so sorry for your loss skittles and so so so sorry you have to go through this .

I went through the same thing, no heartbeat around 11 weeks - it was the hardest thing I've ever been through, and you're right, no one understands unless they've been through it themselves.

Well meaning friends will try to comfort you with comments like 'it wasn't meant to be' and 'don't worry, it will happen again', these kind of comments used to really hurt me, but I came to realise that people just don't know what to say... which makes sense, because there is nothing anyone can say that will give you your baby back. I think initially avoiding these upsetting situations will help protect you.

Take the time to cry, and I think it's normal to lock yourself away from the world - I wouldn't talk to anyone but my DH and Mum for 2 weeks... if you can't see other pregnant women, they don't exist! I know it's really hard, my heart goes out to you.

It's been nearly a year since my loss & I can't say the pain ever goes away, but month by month it gets a little easier... and I still look back at my ultrasound pictures & have a cry for my little peanut... so don't be too quick throwing things out that remind you of your little bean, maybe just tuck them away for a while, you might want something to hold onto later.

If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here, PM me anytime, I hope you find some peace soon .

[Genevieve]

I feel for you. I'm going through the same thing right now, and my heart is broken. I was so excited for my 1st US last week, only to find no hb. It was devastating. I'm having a D&E tomorrow so I can hopefully move on and try again soon. Hang in there, you are not alone.....

[LGB]

Originally Posted by Genevieve

I feel for you. I'm going through the same thing right now, and my heart is broken. I was so excited for my 1st US last week, only to find no hb. It was devastating. I'm having a D&E tomorrow so I can hopefully move on and try again soon. Hang in there, you are not alone.....

Me too, dx with a blighted ovum 2 weeks at US and confimed by another US last week.

I am waiting to pass it naturally, we'll see if that happens.

Is your RE recommending any testing on you? Will he test the tissue?

This is so upsetting...it's my 3rd ivf, first with donor eggs.

[Highopes]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. I have had 2 m/c's in the last 9 months & each time we found out at the 1st u/s when there was no h/b (see my signature). The next day after my u/s I started bleeding heavily & I ended up having another D & C. I asked for the fetus to be checked & all the other chromosomal testing they can do. Unfortunately there wasn't enough tissue for them to test the fetus but my dh & I have had chromosomal testing.

Like yourself, I have unexplained infertility so in a way I want to know is there a chromosomal problem & that's it's not me. The good news (as my Dr. points out) is that I can get pregnant, it's just being able to sustain it now. At times I feel like giving up but I know how much having a family means to me & I know I'll keep trying until either I can't afford it or am too old! I am grateful for this forum though as I know I'm not alone and in a way it's consoling sharing with others, like yourself. Our husbands are great but they don't know really what it feels like especially the physical aspect of things. My husband summed up the infertility process to a tee, "it's a roller coaster. sometimes you are up (find out the bfp) & then you are down (no h/b => m/c)". I do want to say (like everyone else has) that you are not alone, if you ever want to talk, please pm me.