[paula3]

Hello everyone, I was looking for a thread to join which I thought might have helped...but I could not find the right one. So here I am starting one instead.

A little back ground, my husband and I have been TTC for 4 years now. We joined the fertility program in 2007 and completed three IVF cycles (one fresh, two frozen). On the last cycle I was able to get pg; however, there was no heartbeat at 7 weeks. I have been struggling with this loss since - that was in April. I just went for a follow up with our Dr and she told me our "problem" is egg quality. I have plenty of eggs (20 retreived on first cycle) but when they fertilized (with ICSI) the embyos were not good quality, which means poor egg quality. The Dr said there is nothing they can do medically to help with that situation....she said the decision now is how much do we want a baby? Will we regretit is we do not try again before my eggs are totally unusable or do we live our lives for each other without children (or possibly get pg naturally)? so here I am trying to decide if we should spend the money and go through the emotional stress to try again with possibly the same outcome. I have been having a very hard time dealing with my two best friends whom have both just had babies in the past two months....advice?

[theresa0604]

Hello Paula,
I saw your post and wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your situation. The emotional toll that IF takes on an individual and a relationship can be overwhelming and the decisions that we face are often difficult and some that so many people don't understand.
If you look at my signature, you can see that my DH and I too have been on a long journey full of many ups and downs yet it was by taking that journey that we both decided that we will start our family through adoption. There were discussions about donor egg but ultimately that wasn't the path we decided to follow however we are now excited about the committment we have made to adoption.
The IF road isn't easy and there were many times that my DH and I were at different places at different times however it's pushing through that, keeping the channels of communication open and weighing ALL of your options that will ultimately result in you both making a decision about how to build your family.
There are options for you ... certainly they might not have been the ones that you envisioned for yourself and they weren't the ones that I envisioned for myself either but as I've said to my DH many times, "families are made in many ways".
Keep the faith, explore all your options including IVF if you think that is the route to take but please know that you don't have to live your lives without a child if that is what you both dearly want.

Take care of yourself ... as low as you feel right now, this too shall lessen with time and one day you'll look back and realize that all of your pain and heartache was worth it when you're holding your child. I had to tell myself that time and time again and some days I didn't believe it but I try hard to focus on the future versus the past and this helps ...
Theresa

[paula3]

Theresa, thank you so much for your reply. It was needed. I especially liked your "families come in many ways". We do have options and most days are more "up" than down.
Thank you again and best of luck to you and your DH on your adoption!

Paula

[ara79]

Paula,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I think that the decisions that you and your husband face are difficult to make, but there is no right or wrong choice. I think you just have to work together to come up with a plan that is right for the two of you and stick with it, with no regrets or "what ifs". Whatever baby you end up with will be so meant to be. I too lost a baby (due to ectopic) and now that I have my daughter I know just how meant to be she is. I hope that you find peace in whatever route you go...and good luck to you on your journey to motherhood! (hope it's a short journey for you!)

[ara79]

I just wanted to add one more thing. Theresa...you are going to make an amazing mommy! You obviously have so much love to give.

[Genevieve]

Hi Paula, I remember you from the March IVF thread. I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I'm still having a hard time from my loss in April as well. To add some salt to the wounds, my RE told me today that the fetus we lost was a boy. This just broke my heart all over again. Sounds like you and I are dealing with the same problem of poor egg quality, that's what I've been told as well. My RE said that he's still optimistic though about me getting pregnant again and hopefully having a healthy baby some day. So we're going to try again this fall, hopefully in September. Of course it's a decision only you and your DH can make, but I wouldn't give up yet. I guess mostly I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Please feel free to PM me anytime if you want. I know I'll take all the support I can get in this painful time .

[theresa0604]

Amy - thank you so much for your kind words ... I'm going with the theory that being older makes me wiser ... ha, ha - all I'm really trying to do is find the silver lining since I couldn't conceive when I was much younger but for now, I'll keep telling myself this

Genevieve - good luck in September. After our first miscarriage we were told that we lost a boy also ... this would have been the first grandchild so it made it even that much more painful. Since then my SIL has had a boy via IVF which was the first grandchild for my in-laws - life throws many things our way that often time I don't understand but we only have one life and as my husband says, "life isn't a dress rehearsal" so I try to stay focused on the future and the beautiful family we will become through adoption. We are excited and I know we're getting closer each day to realizing our dream. Once again, good luck in September.

[Hopefulmommy09]

I just wanted to post.......A few years ago I had three miscarriages in a row. I gave up hope and thought I would never be a mother. When we decided to go down the adoption route. My life turned around.....it opened up a door in my heart that I thought I lost. My daughter is the world to me, without her I don't think I would have went on to have two more beautiful children. I had to focus my attention on becoming a mother and for my family it didn't matter "how that happened". Talk to your DH and decide what is really important to you. I don't think you have to worry about being child free, unless that is what you two decided to pursue. There are many options out there, you just need to pick one and focus your attention on it. In my case I believe that GOD has a plan and even though it is not what I thought it should be I can see the miricle that it brought me. If I would not have had my miscarriages I would not have wanted to adopt so quickly. I often wonder why did GOD let me loose three babies in a row. I now know that if I wouldn't have had the three in a row, I may not have went down the adoption route so quickly! The month I had my first miscarriage was the month my little girl started to form! You may not understand the path, but things do happen for a reason and once you meet your child you won't have anymore questions.

Good Luck!