[Carolee]

I just wanted to share my story and hope that it will help ease my pain so here goes..... I was so overjoyed to finally get pregnant after multiple surgeries, health issues, and 3 IVF. I felt double blessed when I found out it was twins. I had a good pregnancy. No nausea, no vomitting. Since everything was going so good I thought maybe I was over reacting when I started feel extra moisture at 17weeks. An ultrasound at 18weeks confirmed that baby A had a ruptured membrane. Baby B was fine. Was told that I should terminate the pregnancy but the mommy in me refused to even consider it. So I went on semi bedrest and was told to monitor for cramps or fever. Well almost 2 weeks later when I started having slight cramping I went to labor and deliver. I was told that I wasn't dialated and was sent home. Well to make a long story short I went to go pee that night and had my son in the toilet. After the shock wore off I screamed for my brother and best friend (who were staying with me at the time). They couldn't hear me through thier sleep (it was 4am) and closed doors. So I scooped my then still alive son out of the toilet, wrapped him in a towel, and holding him between my legs waddled to the other side of the house for hlep. My brother jumped up and called 911 and waited out side, while my best friend was on the phone with 911 and was attempting CPR when the ambulance arrived. What stands out to me was hearing them say my baby was not "viable", them cutting the cord, and placing my son in the equivalent to a zip lock bag. I was numb the whole ride to the hospital. Through my fog I did notice them transfer my son from the zip lock bag to what looked like a tupperware container. At this point I could do nothing but lay there shock. I remember having to pee very badly but being scared to for fear of delivering baby B. I was told that I should go ahead and terminate my pregnancy because there was a 90% chance that I would deliver my daughter within 48 hours. Well 48 hours came and went and we were all happy about the miracle of my daughter still hanging in there. I was released 4 days after having my son and ordered to go on bedrest. Well the next day I went to pee while at home and had a cotinuous trickle of fluid run down my leg. Her sac had ruptured as well. We went to the hospital where they confirmed what I already knew. At 6:20 that morning I delivered a perfect little girl, with a perfect heartbeat. As I held her I looked at her nose which was like mine, her feet also like mine, and mouth (smaller top lip, big bottom lip like me). I only held my baby for a few minutes before they took her from my arms so I could focus on trying to deliver the placenta which was not coming out. They told me they would give her back when I was done. I couldn't deliver the placenta and just ended up loosing alot of blood instead. I began to fade in and out of conciousness and was given a blood transfusion before being sent in for a D&C. Needless to say I never got my daughter back. To add insult to injury my babies were treated so differantly. Since my son was 2 days shy of being 20weeks, I had to fight to get him creamated and not just burned along with the other unwanted things hospitals burn to dispose of. I was given memory boxes for both babies with thier foot prints. The worse feeling was rolling out of that hospital clutching my memory box, but no babies. This series of events has left me with a pain that I can't descibe. Its a depression I can't cheer from, a void that can't be filled, and a lonliness that stays with me no matter how many people are around. I have had to conquer a new found fear of toilets, closed doors and being alone. I cry daily at any given time. They say time heals all wounds but what can I do now to ease the pain?

[DRB]

I can't even begin to tell you how much my heart breaks for you. I am so so so very sorry. What makes me just absolutely furious is the horrible way your babies were treated. I guess you have to realize some people don't value a life. Its disgusting. They will have to deal with our Maker on that one. I am a big believer that time does heal, you don't forget though. You just learn to live and cope with it in less stressful way.

I also think counseling (with non family members) is the best thing you can do right now. Talking it out with someone is not right there involved in it has always seem to help me when these life changing events happen. You need to process this, and usually a church will offer counseling for situations like this.

You have to take care of yourself!

Again, I just can't even tell you how sorry I am for you. I am just in tears writing this.

You are in my prayers. Please email me if you need someone to vent or talk to.

Denise

[Carolee]

Hey Denise, Thank you so much for your response. Yesterday was my first day of no crying so thats an improvement . A support group is a good idea. May be a support group of women who have been through miscarriage. I will have to see if they have any in my area. Do you know of any? I see you are in Texas. I stay in Killeen.

[msnoonoo]

My heart breaks just reading your story. I can't imagine how you must feel. You have definitely been on one huge rollercoaster ride of emotions. I also agree with Denise that time does heal, but you will never forget. I also agree that counseling or some type of group therapy may be good to help heal a little. We are practically neighbors. I live in Copperas Cove. I will try to look up some places around here and see if I can find some places for you. Please let me know if I can do anything to help. I am a good listener and just a few minutes drive away.

[Kay]

Oh my words are so lacking. I just want to give you a hug and say I am sorry. I for healing and peace for you.
Kay

[ara79]

I am praying for you. My heart breaks for you.

[bunniswife]

Oh Carolee, that is simply heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious son and daughter. I lost my son who was a twin, six days after he was born and I know that there is no greater pain in this world than to have one of your children die. I wish I could offer you a huge hug. You've been through such a traumatic experience and by the sounds of things you could be dealing with post traumatic stress disorder. If I may suggest some grief counseling, I think it could help you sort out some of the feelings you are having about your birth experiences and the death of your children. I also highly recommend this website http://glowinthewoods.com/ which helps bereaved parents by offering support and understanding from others who have experienced similar situations. I am also highly bothered by the way your children were treated by the medical staff. Regardless whether a baby is considered a fetus until twenty weeks gestation, your children should have been treated with dignity, as so should have you. You should have been given the opportunity to hold your babies and to spend time with them regardless of the fact that they had passed on. You should have been given the opportunity to hold your baby son on the way to the hospital if the paramedics thought he was not viable, instead of placing him in a plastic container. If you feel strongly enough, a letter to the hospital administration and to the paramedics might bring some healing by expressing how hurtfully you and your babies were treated. While I understand that there may be a protocol to follow when dealing with a loss prior to twenty weeks gestation, there needs to be compassion in the way the mother and the babies are treated. I'm so sorry. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.

[Highopes]

Carolyn - I am so sorry for your losses. Your story was heartbreaking & I had tears in my eyes reading it. I also can't believe how the hospital treated you as well. As Denise has already mentioned, time is a healer but the memory will always be there. Counseling as well will help you. Maybe you have an EAP through work who can recommend a good grief counselor. If there is anything I can do please let me know.

Sherry

[TWINSXS6]

im so sorry for your loss i cant even comprihend how medical personal would treat you and your babies like that.. its allful and inhumane...I had a 18 week son and they let me hold him and took pitchers of him for me I was also allowed to cremate him.. I just cant even fathom what they were thinking... I think you defiently need to write a letter to the hospital there usally is a dept you can talk to that that patient complaint.. and a support group is wonderful to talk to other parents..me and a friend whos twins died from sids at 6 weeks old 4 days apart went to some share meetings and they helped tremdously my heart goes out to you

[DRB]

Originally Posted by Carolee

Hey Denise, Thank you so much for your response. Yesterday was my first day of no crying so thats an improvement . A support group is a good idea. May be a support group of women who have been through miscarriage. I will have to see if they have any in my area. Do you know of any? I see you are in Texas. I stay in Killeen.

Less tears is always a good day! My church has a miscarriage/infertility support group... We are in the Dallas area. My suggestion would be to contact your church pastor for help (they always know whats going on support group wise in the other churches). If you are on base, check with your chaplain there as well. I would venture to say that within the boundaries of Killeen/Temple/Waco there will be something. I think its for sure worth looking into. We are not meant to process this kind of grief by ourselves.

Hang in there! You have lots of people on this thread who want the best for you.

I agree too with the other ladies, writing a letter the Ambulance company/hospital might be a good idea. Wouldn't that make you feel some sense of peace knowing they might never do this to some other poor woman again? I think you have earned the right to be heard by the hospital/administrator on this one. I would do a letter now, as your wounds are still really new and it might be hard to have an in person conversation on this.

Denise

[futuremom2b]

There are no words to help only ears to listen, so vent here anytime. There was a time I couldn't even log on to any of the other posts because I just wanted to be around those that understood the pain of the loss of a child.
I too agree that a support group, or individual counseling would be a great idea, as long as it's with someone who has had an MC. It's such a hard thing to deal with especially on top of infertility as you feel like that was your last chance.
I will say prayers as well for your little ones, and I wish you didn't have to go through such a big ordeal, what you have been through is devestating.

Sending you a big cyber hug.

[JessStillWaits]

I am so, so sorry for your loss. It is so unfair after dealing with infertility that you should be given this burden too. And those around you should worked to ease your burden. It is so unfair.

One of my very best friends had the same thing happen when she was pregnant with twins at 17 weeks. I agree with what other have said, you will never forget but with time it will get easier. She eventually went on to get pregnant with another child, and this pregnancy has been healthy, so I have hope for you too.

But take care of yourself for now. That is the most important part. I agree finding counseling or a group will be a wonderful way to help ease of this passing. I have a history of counseling with those who are grieving and I have found that doing some sort of ritual ceremony where you can say goodbye may be meaningful to you. I know some people fill a box with memories of the baby and bury it, write a letter to their unborn babies, etc.. Whatever would be helpful for you. I do think women who go through miscarriage/ pregnancy loss are grieving every bit as someone going through other types of loss. However, those people are usually also given the dignity of a funeral or some other way to aid in making peace with the loss.

After I had my miscarriage, I went on a trip to get away for a few days and had a massage. It lifted my mood- if even for a bit. It made me feel clean and whole again, and took a bit away of that "something is missing feeling."

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. You are in my prayers.

[D&Q'sMommy]

Carolee..Even though our stories are different, I can feel for you in a way that many people can't.

I was pregnant with twins. They were identical twins and they shared 1 placenta. Quinton, he was an Acardiac Twin, meaning no heart. Denton, he was normal, but there was a chance that he would have hydrops because of having so much fluid. A long story short, we found all of this out on my 20 week ultrasound and I delivered my boys at 21 weeks. My water broke and my BF told me it looked like a crime scene because of all the blood and told me not to look. I never looked. I was in labor for almost 32 hours and I never got to hold Quinton. When I delivered him, I say them put him in a plastic container with a towel over him and take him out of the room. I never got to see him. I only got to see pictures. 4 months later, I still don't know why they didn't let me see or hold my child. The nurses, doctors, Quinton's dad, his older brother, my family, all got to see him, and I didn't. I feel like that was stolen from me.

Then i delivered Denton. He never took a breath but his heart beat for 17 minutes and he died in my arms. I wouldn't have had it any other place. Once he died, cause of death was sever premature birth, and massive heart failure. After he died, his father took him from me and allowed our family to see him.

I too couldn't deliver my placenta. I lost 60% of my blood and I had to have 4 blood transfusions. Immediately i had to have a D&C and I never got to see my children again. Only pictures. I was in the hospital for 5 days.

I am still hurting and we will continue to hurt. We had something stole from us. Something that should have been our choice, not someone elses to make for us.

A support group of women who have had misscarriages, still birth, or pregnancy loss (which we had stillbirth and pregnancy loss all in one) would be a great thing. I am not sure where you live but I attend one and we meet once a month.

We will get through this but our hearts will be forever broken!

[Carolee]

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond back. Have just taken a little time for myself. I am doing better although I hate to admit I have had to go on depression medication. I still think of my babies everyday but the crying has decreased. I am now persuing having a friend of mine be a serrogate to give my mind and body a chance to rest as I have been continuously working towards motherhood for the last few years. I will eventually try agian myself but until then I pray the lord sees fit to bless me by way of my best friend. Though I still don't understand why my loss happened I still feel blessed as many opportunities to try at being a mom again have materialized. I also want to thank everyone for responding and thier well wishes. I can't tell you ladies how much I appreciate your responses. They don't filll the void, but you all have helped me to not feel so alone. So agian I say thank you all so much!!

[D&Q'sMommy]

Thinking of you Carolee during this time. I am praying that God will use your best friend to bring you a healthy baby!

My counselor shared this with me..even though we don't have babies to show for it, we are still mommys!