[BrandyLee]

My husband and i started to try for a baby back in July of 2008. I stopped birth control and started my vitamens in April like a good girl. I got a period in April, May, June and July. After we started to try the period went away. After three months and many negative pregnancy tests i made an appointment to see a doctor. It was now October and they only told me i was not pregnant and i had to make an appiontment with a different docotor. I set an appointment up with a midwife for November. She found that i had some characteristics of PCOS and found many cyst on my ovaries. She then gave me meds to make my period come back and it did then i did clomid in December. January i got another period and took more clomid. On Valentines day i found out i was pregnant. I also found out i had low progesterone and i had to take meds for it. The pregnancy was perfect. I felt good and things were normal until June 13, 2009. I was almost 21 weeks and i started having bad cramps. I went to the doctors on Monday and they thought i had a UTI and i was having bladder spasms. They checked my cervix and all was good. I went back Wednesday, because things had not gotten better and they told me that if it was contractions it was too early to do anything about but my cervix remained unchanged still. The cramps were getting really bad, i was having contractions. On Friday i went in because it think i lost my mucus plug. I was admitted right off and now my cervix had thinned and things were not looking good. I was given magnesium and this stopped everything for five days. For five days i layed in bed in the hospital (I had never spent the night in a hospital before) and i was not allowed to even sit up. I hopped i could make it at least two weeks like this then she would have been a viable fetus. But the contractions came back and i delivered Elise at 11:55 pm on June 16th, 2009. She was 14oz and 11.75 inches long. She cried, she moved. I saw her tongue and i admit she looked a bit like my husband. All our parents got to see her and so did my sister. We all cried and starred at her. She was beautiful and looked perfect except she was way too small. She lived for about 2 and half hours. After my loss i had tons of test done to try and find out out what happened but they cant find anything wrong.

In September (about 3 months later) all the test were done and I was ready to try again. I wanted to feel the a baby again. I had gotten so close. So, I did another round of clomid and got pregnant right off.

Elise due date was this week (October 26th) and so was my 8 week appointment with pregnancy number 2. I am due just two days before Elise's Birthday. I did not think i would be scard, but i am. When i was about 16 weeks pregnant with Elise i bought a ton of baby stuff and after i lost her i put it all away. It has since came back out and it kills me to think about putting it all back again. I had bought her crib the day before i was admitted and i put it up about a week before i found out i was pregnant this time (I have a hard time leaving things in boxes) I am scard to even look at baby stuff or buy maternity clothes.

We have decided if it happens again we are not trying again; we will adopt. She was the first grandchild on both sides of our families and the first great-grandchild for my Grandmother. I love her still and there is not a day that goes by that i dont think about her and what could have been.

I suppose i want to know how can i not be scard?

[Godiva4me]

Brandy- First I must say that I am so sorry for your loss of baby Elise. I am not sure I can answer your question, but I can tell you that each one of us that has experienced a loss is scared. Scared to try to get pregnant again, then I am sure scared once you are that the outcome will be the same. All I can tell you is that I think it is totally normal to be scared, but you don't want to be neurotic about the pregnancy either. Take one day at a time, and know that nothing you could have done would have prevented the outcome with your first pregnancy. You were diligent in going to the doctor when you didn't feel well and were having cramps. Each day pregnant is another step towards a great ending... try to focus on that and know you are not alone in feeling scared and anxiety. Please feel free to join in on one of the other threads, maybe, "after fertility treatments" where there are pregnancy and due date buddies sections. I am sure you will find great support for yourself during this journey.

Wishing you all the best!

[hopin4baby]

Hi Brandy first sorry for your loss of your baby girl. second congrats on the pregnancy. Last year in january i got pregnant with triplets. in june @23 weeks i delievered My Trio due to Incomplete cervix. JD,my oldest, was with us for 12 week, JR,our second boy, was with us for 5 days and Kayle was with us for 3 weeks. i will continue it form my comp in a couple of day sorry

[Cathi025]

Brandy, I am so sorry...I have been in your shoes...I can tell you from experience you can get pregnant and EXCITED about being pregnant again. I Like hoping4baby...was pregnant with Triplets. I lost my 1st born at 22 weeks In October last year.. I was able to hold on to the other two for another month. 1 day shy of 26 weeks I delivered my other two. My son was here for 10 days and my daughter 18 days...Not a day goes by that I don't think about or miss them.

Well I decided because we have been trying for so many years to do FET so April of this year we did. I am expecting a little girl December 18th. Like you said I was scared...My hubby and I decided we were not going to buy anything until 34 weeks. We had tons of stuff for the triplets that we had to return. Some we couldn't, there room was painted and everything.

Well I also have an incomp Cervix. This pregnancy I had a Cerclage put in and have been on strict bed rest for 4 months now...TOTALLY worth it. I have bonded so well with this baby...We had her nursery done by 22 weeks, and have everything we need to bring her home by now, I did not have a shower because I had one with my Triplets.(so much for waiting til 34 weeks..lol)

I just want to give you hope that it can be done. I am not going to lie to you and tell you this had been an easy pregnancy with no worry...but I will tell you I am SO glad I am doing it...

I also have been seeing a therapist since I lost my babies...she has really helped me through this pregnancy.

You can go to my blogs and see the progress I have made...I wish the best for you...

OH my only suggestion for you is to find a good MFM peri OB in your area...They handle high risk pregnancies, They would be able to manage any complications better than a midwife...Good Luck Let me know if you need anything... Cathi

[MrsM]

BrandyLee - I am so so sorry for your loss. No one should have to go through that, but sadly, there are many of us who have suffered through devastating late losses. It's just heartbreaking.

I often think about getting pregnant again, and how I will be able to handle it without being so scared. Please just try to enjoy this pregnancy and by all means be sure you see a specialist that can monitor you closely to give you peace of mind.

You are blessed to be pregnant again, and I know you will never forget Elise and the special dates and memories you had of that pregnancy. Try to find as much joy and happiness in this pregnancy as you can even though your loss is still fresh. It's hard to be happy when you have lost before...

Right now my loss is still so fresh (one month), but I lost his twin earlier on at 11 weeks so as heartbroken as I am, I know that our desire for a child will help me through another pregnancy if we are blessed again. Those of us who suffer through infertility issues and loss surely have a deeper appreciation for the child or children we are sure to have....

I wish you so much health and happiness with your pregnancy.

[BrandyLee]

Thank you all for the kids words.

I live in a small town in Northern Maine and i feel so alone up here. There are not a lot of choices as far as doctors go and i am going to Portland (the big city in Maine) to see another doctor, to get another opinion on how to handle this pregnancy.

Again thank you.

[ButterflyWingsx4]

Hi Brandy, Fisrt off i am Terribly sorry for your loss. My heart aches to hear that another family now feels the pain.

I lost Twins at 22wks. I lost them because of Incompetent cervix. We tried 6months later and got preg with twins again. At 13wks i got a cerclage and did bedrest from 13wk-32wks.I had weekly cervical checks, and at 24wk my cervix was completely funneled and thined out. The only thing keeping me pregnanct was the cerlcage. My twins are now 18mon and growing too fast!

Is it possible it was shortening of the cervix.. ( incompetent cervix)? IC usually happens 18-24wk. Its a vunerable time that docs usually dont check the cervix, because they *assume* and *feel* that there is No need for it. I dont want to scare you, but i wounder if you could ask your next doc about it. Cerclages are normally done 13-15wks. Doing one after 16wks doesnt work as well, and can irritate the uterus more.

I wish you the very best and may your angel watch over you and the new baby growing.

[Danielle]

Brenda,

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I had tears in my eyes reading your story. There's nothing I can say that will take your pain anyway. I, too lost my twins @ an early stage of 15 weeks. Doctors are now saying that the loss was due to PPROM. Its been 2 months since my loss and I still think about them every single day and cry for them. There's nothing that will heal our broken hearts and nothing will ever replace the babies we carried in our wound.

CONGRATS on your BFP! I wish you all the best and a healthy baby to come. I will keep you in my prayers! MUCH LOVE!

[BrandyLee]

I am not sure about the cerclage because they are not sure i had an incompetent cervix. I had bad cramping for about a week before the cervix changed. There is always a risk of losing the baby right after the cerclage as well. They have no idea what went wrong with me.

But the good news i am still pregnant.

[Carolee]

Hey Brany, I first want tell you congrats on your pregnancy. I definately feel your pain. I miscarried my twins at 19w and 20w. I still have that void that I feel can only be filled with a child. I too am so scared and am now having a close friend be a serrogate. So I want to applaud you on facing your fears and going forward. I don't know what to tell you to help you ease your fear but I do know that god doesn't make mistakes. You are pregnant again for a reason. You are meant to be a mommy. So when you feel fear tap into your faith. My prayers are with you

[BrandyLee]

I just got back from the doctors and the baby did not have a heart beat. It died around week eight. I should be nine weeks five days.

I go in Monday to have "him" removed. I dont want to deliver another baby that i cant keep.

I will try again but not soon this time.

[DRB]

Oh Brandy
I am so so sorry.
You are in my prayers!

Denise

[Cathi025]

Originally Posted by BrandyLee

I just got back from the doctors and the baby did not have a heart beat. It died around week eight. I should be nine weeks five days.

I go in Monday to have "him" removed. I dont want to deliver another baby that i cant keep.

I will try again but not soon this time.

Brandy I am so very sorry.... ...We are here if you need anything...

[BrandyLee]

Going for the D and C today. Had a rather ruff day yesterday with a lot of bleeding and cramping.

Thanks for the support.

[MrsM]

BrandyLee - I am soooo sorry about your loss. It broke my heart reading your post. There are no words....

Please be strong today. Take the time you need to grieve and heal.

You can get pregnant....you will get pregnant again and have your baby. Don't give up hope!!!

Sending you tons of