[Keren7]

a year and a half ago I was pregnant with twin girls through IVF + PGD. I am a carrier of Hemophilia and need to have a girl.
At 11 weeks I did CVS to make sure that they are girls and as a result I started bleeding that same day. I was put on strict bed rest from 11 weeks until 24 weeks. On 24 weeks I had contractions, one baby died right away and the second one came out through emergency c-section and lived for 3 days.
It almost broke me to loose my girls. Luckily I have a wonderful husband and son...
So I waited a year and recovered physically. I went through a cycle of IVF in June, I was in so much pain from the ER and had 15 embryos - froze 7 and did PGD to 8 - Came out 7 boys and only 1 girl!!!
We put the girl in and to my delight I got pregnant. I was really carfull and took it easy. At 15 weeks I went to see a specialist and she confirmed that it's a %100 a girl, but she also said that the placenta was low. That night I started bleeding and was on bed rest. At 18 and a half weeks, I felt some liquid coming out and went to the ER.
Turned out that my baby didn't have a heartbeat.
They put some pill to make the baby come out and after 10 hours she came out, but the placenta didn't. They put more pills and after 6 hours I started bleeding out and my doctor needed to basically save my life. I lost more than half the blood in my body!!
I am so sad, but for some reason I can't cry. During the day, I am doing stuff to distract myself because there is too much inside of me. I picture myself falling apart, screaming, crying all the time, but it won't come out... I can't sleep without taking Ambien and even than, I wake up all the time.
I keep telling myself that all I need is time, but what can I do in the now, when all I want is to run from myself?

[Peabody1]

Keren7, I am so very sorry for all of your losses. I wish I had some words of advice or knew just what to say, but I don't know if there are any words to say.

I think we all grieve in different ways and that little by little you will let those feelings come out. Sometimes it's ok to scream and cry within a "safe" place. Whatever you do don't allow yourself to get too distracted that you aren't authentic with your true feelings. You are obviously a strong woman to have gone through so much pain. I wish you the best.