[helplesshusband]

First of all, I would like to say I’m new to this board and my heart goes out to anyone who has suffered through a miscarriage or cannot conceive. I wish all of you the very best of luck in future.

My wife (28) and I (29) have been married for almost five years. For the first two and a half years, I had held off trying for a family for my own personal reasons – finish my education, get a better job, get a house, trying to “prepare” for a family (never believing we would have any problems). My wife was adamant that my putting this off was a mistake, but I paid no real attention, I assumed she was overreacting. Finally, at the end of 2004 she went off the pill and we began to try.

Now, we have been trying for a child for over two years, the last six months of which we had worked with her OB/GYN and were taking fertility drugs. All the while, I was reminded of the mistake I made holding off trying and that I got us into this situation. We were at ends, and virtually lost hope when we sought out a fertility specialist at one of our metropolitan hospitals as a last ditch effort. One week after our consultation appointment, we found out that we were pregnant. We were both ecstatic, laughing and imagining how life would be nine months down the road.

By the end of the week, we had miscarried – and we crashed like an auto wreck. Why after so long, why, how could this have happened? And now we are now in worse shape then we had ever been.

At first (immediately after the miscarriage), we were leaning on each other for support. I tried to tell her that everything is going to be okay, that we were going to get through this. I put my own heartbreak aside for hers, because I knew no matter how much I hurt, her pain was fifty fold. We took some time off work, we watched her favorite movies, ate her favorite foods, talked to the wee hours of the morning, whatever she needed at the time, we did or I did for her - and it appeared to help. About a week and a half after, we were both were back to work and settled back into “real” life, her entire demeanor began to change. She is short with me, does not want to talk with me, angry with me, holds resentment against me, has no interest in being physical (not even hugs or kisses) and on occasion, said some very nasty things to me. Life since then, not that it wasn’t already, has been utter hell.

She tells me it is my responsibility to make it better, but how can I give her that baby back? How can I give her those two and a half years of putting off kids back? She will not speak with her parents, and really has only talked about this with her brother, two girlfriends, and a coworker. I suggested joining a local group of people who are in similar situations, she has refused. I suggested counseling, but she refused. Instead of seeking help, she has retreated into dark rooms with the TV on completely suffering.

I need a women’s advice – someone who has been through this. How in the world can I help my wife? She doesn’t want another baby, she wants that one back. She doesn’t want more time, she want the two and a half years we didn’t try back. I am lost, sad, confused, and helpless. I love my wife, I want to make her happy, and most importantly I want to help her.

I desperately need advice and suggestions.

Please help me.

[30somethingmom]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. My husband and I had 2 miscarriages, so I know the pain you and your wife are going through. It is normal to feel angry, hurt, depressed or even resentful. It sounds like you have done all you can to help your wife. The rest of her healing will have to come from her. My advice is to encourage her to talk about it with someone. If she can't or won't talk to you, suggest she see a counselor. I did after our first miscarriage and it really helped me to cope, heal and move on. I also found it helpful to write in a journal and plant a rose bush in honor of the memory of our child. Maybe one of these ideas can help your wife as well.

Also, please remember that none of this is your fault nor is it hers. Putting off having kids did not cause you to lose this baby. Nothing you nor your wife did made this happen. It just did.

Hope this helps.

[einstein]

I just had to post even though I never suffered a miscarriage. First, I think you are a great guy to post here and try to find some help and advice for your wife. What a sweetie you must be!

Second of all, I'm with Deanna. This isn't your fault nor your wife's. Sometimes the first pregnancy ends in a m/c. No one knows why. Could it be a woman's body trying to get ready for a pregnancy -- who knows? But the important thing to realize is that TIME is totally on your side. You both are so young. If it were a lot later in your lives, maybe there'd be a difference, but probably your doc is going to only send you for minor tests rather than hardcore, in-depth exams. It's possible the next time she gets pregnant, you'll be decorating the nursery! And maybe this was all a fluke.

I think you should continue to offer support and encourage a therapist for her. Maybe you can mention this to her doctor the next time you go to an appointment. Good luck to you.

[slobin]

To Helpless Husband,

Your story breaks my heart and it's so much like my own- but from her side (except we are older me 37 1/2 husband almost 35). I also was trying to start our family quite some time before my husband who dragged his feet was ready. I kept telling him how angry I would be if we finally started and then had trouble especially since I was already 33-34 when we were debating about this. He still dragged his feet. Finally we started trying when I was 35 and to my horror could not get pregnant! After 13 months of sheer agony, I was finally pregnant and have never been happier-for those few days until the miscarriage which was the most heartbreaking experience of my life (up til then). Then after 7-8 more months of trying with no luck and we began fertility treatment and got pregnant with Clomid/IUI. We were ecstatic and thought there was just no way the world could be so cruel to take this baby too- miscarried about 2 weeks later! (3 1/2 months ago) Now this is the MOST heartbroken I have ever in my life been especially since I am now 37 and scared to death I will never have a baby which I have wanted every single day of my life since my earliest memory. Oh, the important part...at the beginning of this I blamed my husband (and told him so) I was so so angry at him for making us wait and felt he was to blame. But I guess over these 2 years there has been so much trauma and heartbreak that I cannot even afford to hold onto these feelings as I just know it will cause more damage to an already greatly suffering marriage. I try hard to let this piece go because it only makes it worse. Maybe you can share our story with your wife? Things are not great at home but I don't blame him anymore because it won't bring back our babies and it won't make it easier to move on and try to have another. Try reminding your wife that you want to have another baby with her and the only way to do that is together without anger and resentment. We both do have good reason to be angry with our husbands for putting it off, but this anger doesn't help solve the problem. I hope this helps and my heart goes out to both of you. Oh, and definitely try to do couple's therapy before more damage is done. Also she is so young that there is so much hope!

[quawaine77]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. My husband and I have been trying to conceive since 11/03. Since we have been trying to conceive, I find myself getting mad and doing a lot of things your wife does. My husbands tries to comfort me but sometimes I give him the cold shoulder. It's a hard situation to go through and us women have to realize that our husbands feel pain as well. It's just going to take some time for her to come around. Maybe you should she if she wants counseling. She may shoot that idea down but don't give up on her. I will pray for you and your wife. God bless you.

Tiffany

[meremere]

Helpless husband,

I feel so badly for you, I see myself in your wife and my husband in you. We fought before we even got married about this. Hubby wanted to wait until I was 34 to start trying and I did not want to. We almost did not get married because of this. But I thought I could change his mind, in time I did. We started to try just before I was 32 and found out on my 32nd birthday I was pregnant. We lost that baby at 2.5 months (10 weeks). I was madder at hubby then I thought I ever could be. I yelled, screamed, and cried and thought I was loosing my mind. I swore I would never get pregnant again, and I would not even sleep in the same bed as my hubby. Lets just say hubby had enough and well we had a few drinks one night, and I found out 3 weeks later I was pregnant again. I lost that baby at 9 weeks and I was even madder then the first time. Anyway after all this was in 6 months, I realized I was not mad at him wanting to wait, I stopped blaming his wanting to wait, I was mad at myself, God, and life. It has taken me more then a year to realize God was not at fault, he would not make me hurt (will not go into religion on ya!) and that it just was not the plans that He has for us. I love my husband more then my own life, he has been my rock. The only thing that still makes me mad is he does not show any emotion about the losses 4 in total in 2 years. I still tell him let me see how you are feeling. So do not be scared to be a "real man" and not show you are hurting, let her know and in time things will get better. You sound like a wonderful man and I wish the best for you and your wife!!

[Tanya324]

I also just had to post I myself have never had a m/c so I have no idea what your wife must be going through but I do think she needs to seak help outside her home I have been to see a counsuler a few times in my life not only for fertility issues other things it helps just to talk to someone that is not directly linked to the mess.... they could sometimes tell me the same thing my dh said and I will take there word as gold because I just had to hear it from someone other than him. My husband made me wait for a long time to start and I just turned 30 lastweek I do wish That I knew I was going to have trouble (2 years ttc, Clomid for the last year) because Then I could have started this battle younger and would not feel the clock ticking on me but my terapist said to me once were you readly to start younger and the answer is no!!! I had other things I wanted and I would not give up what I have done to start this battle at 25. My SIL had 10 m/c in just as many years she has a rosarey for each of them that she prays with she says they are her angles she has 2 kids now she had to have shot every day to carry them but she did carry them. She could be on my side of things here I sometimes wish I could feel the hell of a m/c because I would know that I am able to get pg now I have never been pg and just feel like less of a women for it....... I think the best thing you can do for her get her to talk about it and I also want to add that you must be a wonderful husband to come on here and seak help she is very lucky and I am sure knows that.