[designdiva32]

Originally Posted by Angelwithhope

Alana- I hope by my sharing this story with you, it doesn't further upset you but I just feel the need to share this. My auntie was diagnosed with a rare and very fast moving cancer in the spring of 2003. Both her sons were in their thirties, neither were married but one was dating and the other was just starting a relationship. My auntie wanted nothing more then to be a grandma, she would ask and ask my cousins when. Then when she was diagnosed, she continued to ask. Unfortunately we all knew that she was on borrowed time. In the November of 2003, she passed away, still without grandkids and her sons were still not married. My cousin, the youngest of her two boys, got married in 2005 and had a son in 2006. (actually on the same day I miscarried our first baby but besides the point) He is the most beautiful baby and I know, in my heart, that my Auntie is thrilled and loves that child from where she is. Where I'm going with this, is that you can't feel guilty over what you can't control, you have to love and love your MIL as much as you can, and pray and hope for the best, but not feel guilty for something that is out of everyone's control. The power of positive thinking is a good one too. Try to remain positive and be there for her, tell her that you're doing the best you can for a child, but that you need her to concentrate on being well and getting well and being here for the grandkids that are going to come.

Thanks for this Shawna...it really helps to hear you girls say its not my fault or in my control to change things. DH and I have been doing our very best go start a family so it does hurt to feel like such a failure when deep down I do know its not something I can change. It just helps to hear it from all of you...otherwise the evil voices in my head just keep beating me up with their negativity.

So I've decided the only therapy to deal with this today is the retail kind so I'm off to have a shopping spree to buy pretty stuff for my crackhouse. That always helps.

I hope your head is okay too Shawna, that sounded very painful. And dangerous...why on earth did it fall off??

Rachael...hi hun. I'm sorry to hear you are still sleep-deprived. I'm guessing you start to feel a little crazy after awhile....I was deprived for two weeks last semester and I swear I went a little bit insane. Not to worry, Aidens cyber aunts are hear to serenade you all to sleep...I think Jen has a Howard Jones song up her sleeve. Shes even writing them into adoption bios these days!! lol

[sunny72]

Hi Peachy, great to hear from you. I was worried that we chased you away for good.

Diva, I’m so sorry your MIL said that to you. Please don’t feel guilty in any way about the grandchild thing. It’s not your fault. You also have to move forward at your and DH’s own pace. Please don’t feel pressured or guilty. Your MIL is probably feeling a sense of urgency because she fears the possibility of death, and she probably wasn’t thinking of how immensely hurtful those words could be to you. Is she starting treatment already do you know? I really hope she can pull through. I also wish I could give you a big squishy kiwi hug right now. Believe me I don’t give them out freely, just when I really feel it.

Tia, I’ll look forward to reading your autobiography. I’ll feel a bit like a voyeur, but if you don’t mind, then I’ll really feel privileged to read it even if it does include cheese fries.

So, I don’t mind sharing with you guys how increasingly neurotic and anxious I am becoming. Last night was a bit messy for me, but I‘ll start with a day earlier. DH said something hurtful and I lost it a bit. I was upset because I couldn’t think of who to baby-sit during our upcoming ER. It was an issue last time as you know I don’t have family here, we don’t really have “friends” sadly that I would want to baby-sit my precious, and so last time it turned out my estranged FIL stepped up. He took the day off work, and looked after her and we didn’t go into details. He’s a nurse however, so obviously his mind was racing with possibilities and then he went and mentioned to DH‘s siblings that he had babysat for us for a medical procedure and I can‘t imagine the level of gossip and wondering that went on. Grrrr, this family cannot be discreet. So, as we were discussing what we could do again this time around, I was again upset at the dilemma, and saying I didn’t want the gossip going around again and his family saying stuff and he says “ well I’m sure they already think you have... (and then to my dismay, he mentioned a gynecological disease/STD)”. We usually speak with humor about our situation to keep ourselves sane, but he caught me off guard and I was already feeling sensitive about all this stuff and that couldn’t have made me feel worse. I just withered into a ball of snot and tears. In DH’s defense, we can joke about these things off and on, but at that moment I wasn’t feeling the funny. He felt really bad, he realized it was poor timing.
Then, last night poor DH came home after 9PM from working all night and he can tell I’ve been upset and asked what was wrong and I start telling him that I’ve had a lot on my mind, I’m not sleeping well because I have been having scary dreams involving his fidelity and then I start asking him about whether he’s ever had an affair, or done anything that would be unacceptable because I‘d like to know before we continue with the IVF. (I know I’m insane). He of course said no, and I believe him, but it was a crazy moment where I had no control over my emotions or self doubt. So long story short, I’m like a ticking bomb right now. I really feel like I’m on Jekyll & Hyde drugs. I thought it may have been Lupron, but realized I got shot up with the experimental drug the other day, so who knows what’s that’s doing to the delicate hormonal balance. It’s the closest thing I’ve felt to feeling truly insane. So it’s okay now, I can laugh about it this morning, and so can you, and I’ll let DH laugh too now at my expense. Like you girls said, this too shall pass. I just don’t remember being so affected by the meds before and my original plan of trying to stay in a more clinical state of mind for this cycle isn’t working.

[Angelwithhope]

Alana- We are absolutely here for you Girl! As you are here for us!! Extra !!! We are all here for your support constantly!

Heidi- and for you Hun! I wish we were all closer, I'm sure we'd round up an IF posse to come over and keep your little Stella completely amused during the ER. I'm sorry it's so hard with DH's family and being open with them. It's never easy to live behind a veil of secrecy. I hope that the "IVF crazies" and experimental drug "moments" are over soon for you and your pleasantly PG and planning nurseries, and enjoying your pregnancy! You deserve this hun!

Which reminds me, DH and I are stepping out from behind ours soon. We'll be sending a letter to his brother and his wife who have done IVF and have two beautiful kids to prove for it. It's about time we stopped hiding from people who would understand our pain. So we're moving forward with opening up with them. I can't tell you all how scared I am about that. (The funny thing is, that was what I was thinking about yesterday when I got conked on the head! LOL I think it was an omen to not tell them, DH thinks it's an omen that we waited too long! LOL)

[jencat215]

Hi Rachael! Good to hear from you. I do have 2 HoJo songs for you..."Look Mama" and "Things can only get better"

Shawna-ouch! Hope your head feels better...

[jencat215]

Heidi-it's the drugs that are doing this to you hun. I am sorry . But you are right, this too shall pass. Do you have any teenagers in the neighborhood that can babysit? How about stay at home mothers who could babysit for the day? I know it is hard for you to trust anyone with your little one, but you can check out references and stuff. Another thought-why not tell MIL/FIL that you and DH want to go out of town for the day or 2 and could they sit for Stella. Then you can get a hotel or something and relax while your ILs take care of Stella and don't need to know anything about your procedure.
I wish you were near me...I'd babysit in a heartbeat!

[sunny72]

Thanks Jen and Shawna. The tricky part is that we don't know yet the exact day of the ER and won't until within the week of it happening. It's all depends of follicle growth and monitoring and stuff. Makes it hard to plan ahead. MIL and FIL work fulltime. FIL (somewhat estranged from the family and has a new family) would be more likely to drop everything and help. MIL would never ask for time off and I guess I wouldn't expect her to. Last time I was in such pain from the ER (bloating etc.. due to near OHSS) there was no disguising the fact that something was going on abdominally. I'm a good actress, but I looked 5 months pregnant. Luckily it's winter this time and I might be able to be more subtle. I was thinking of telling whoever that we are going to look at some property and that might throw them off the scent.

[AviatrixRN]

Hi everyone!

I've been mostly lurking for the last few days..Don't really know why..I guess I've been a bit of a "funk" lately..but I'll snap out of it I;m sure.

Jen..I really like HJ too. I need to download some of his songs onto my ipod. I think I already have that one..I think it's called "space age love song". I have it on my workout collection.

Heidi..I;m sorry those darn drugs are doing a number on you. Remember it's all for a good cause..that's what I keep telling myself anyway.

Rach..great to see you posting! I hope that 3 months passes fast for you so you can get some shut eye!
Give Aiden a hug for me please!

Alana..How are you doing? How did the "retail therapy" go?

Hugs to everyone I'm missing here!

Mel has been at Dizzyland for the 3rd day in a row..She has some friends from her college days that are in town..so she's been getting them in for free. I am not up to all that just yet..so I've been staying home. I'm getting back into study mode for when I go back for my ground school and simulator training. It;s funny..I feel like I am back in nursing school..but I need to get into that mindset. Well, I am babbling. I hope you are all having a good weekend!

[jencat215]

Originally Posted by AviatrixRN

Jen..I really like HJ too. I need to download some of his songs onto my ipod. I think I already have that one..I think it's called "space age love song". I have it on my workout collection.

I think that is by A Flock of Seagulls...

Sorry you are in a funk-is that why you are using semicolons instead of apostrophies?

We miss you April. I hope we can cheer you up some. And I still can't believe you aren't in Dizzyland with Mel! I could be on my deathbed, but if I was offered a free in to The World or The Land, I'd be there. But then again, I'm a big kid I want some ice cream...

[AviatrixRN]

I have the wrong title than..cause I know it is HJ..I'll have to go look it up..But I have to say, I like the Flock of Seagulls too..I am an 80's misfit!

LOL about the semicolons! I am just being lazy and don't want to bother to correct my poor typing!

I go to Dland like every other month..I guess I take it for granted sometimes..but I am craving one of their corn dogs!

[AviatrixRN]

Okay Jen..that HJ song is called "New Song". I like the beat on that one.

[Angelwithhope]

MMMMM corn dogs!!! hee hee

DH learned somethign rather scary about Dizzyland....A very large number of Pedophiles use it as a place to swap children. How incrediably sad!!!


Ohhhh I'm putting together a playlist as we speak and I just put some "Unfitney" aka Britney Spears on there. LOL. I must not be well! ha ha

[hopeful2bmom]

Originally Posted by sunny72

Thanks Jen and Shawna. The tricky part is that we don't know yet the exact day of the ER and won't until within the week of it happening. It's all depends of follicle growth and monitoring and stuff. Makes it hard to plan ahead. MIL and FIL work fulltime. FIL (somewhat estranged from the family and has a new family) would be more likely to drop everything and help. MIL would never ask for time off and I guess I wouldn't expect her to. Last time I was in such pain from the ER (bloating etc.. due to near OHSS) there was no disguising the fact that something was going on abdominally. I'm a good actress, but I looked 5 months pregnant. Luckily it's winter this time and I might be able to be more subtle. I was thinking of telling whoever that we are going to look at some property and that might throw them off the scent.

Heidi- First of all I want to tell you that it's absolutely the drugs doing this too you. I have said and done the exact same things. Lupron affects your pituitary gland and so do some of the other drugs, which in turn can make you semi-psychotic(I am not joking). It's alsmost the same as someone that would have behavior changes from a pituitary tumor. I have accused DH of the same and he lokks at me crazy. I can remember I cried really hard b/c I truly believed the stories I had created in my head.
Please don't feel crazy or blame yourself for any of this.
Second- I know you don't know me from a hole in the wall, but I would absolutely love to baby-sit for Stella while you make a baby sibling for her. I am only 30 minutes from you and have nothing going on but doctor's appoitnments and school one day(which has been changed to an online class). Please don't stress anymore about it. When is the approx week that you think it will be? I can even go with you to the clinic and watch her there. I am serious about this.
Please let me know.

[Angelwithhope]

Susan- That is so sweet of you!!!

[JustPeachy]

I got up to page 610 on all of the updates. Geez!! What a talkative bunch I've made it over 20 pages which required just about all of Aiden's nap time today! I promise I'll be back for the rest of the updates but wanted to send out some love...

Oh, and I see cheese fries are still up for debate - but that calorie post about the fries at Outback's was scary!

Alana - I am so sorry to hear about your MIL. I will definitely be thinking of your family. I too think dh should go visit her.

Heidi - I'm so excited that you have officially started the trial study!! The Lupron headaches will disappear as soon as you decrease the dosage during stims.

Devan - Exciting about your last RE appt. Time is flying! Can't wait to see the u/s pics on Monday. I would love to meet you in March/April when you come for a visit. We'll have to drag Jo into the city too. I've heard you can deduct your ivf expenses and we'll be looking to do that too on this years taxes. Hurray for dopplers! Just sent mine back.

Susan - I hope that all day sickness goes away soon. Yuck. You've always got me laughing at the brain surgeon comments. I love the u/s pic of the baby!

Shawna - I know the money aspect of IF is horribly painful. We've all been there but dh loves you for you and don't forget that. Your walmart description of McD's and vomit made me laugh so hard!!

Jen - I'm sorry you were a kidney match. What a generous and sweet thought to try for. I'm sure it touched the family. I'm awaiting all the poasing soon!

Ronni - Love ya sweetie!! Thanks for your sweet post on the January thread.

Brenna - I saw that piece about the catalogs on the today show too (in my endless nursing). I've got to try it. Your bump picture is adorable. Can I trade bumps with you? I'm glad you're keeping the pup. What a face.

Shelly - I hope your move goes as smooth as possible. We'll miss you around here in the meantime.

Amy - Countdown to the end of Lupron right? The rest of the meds are a piece of cake. Just keep holding out.

Martie - Your gender scan will be here before you know it and we have to see that bump!

Tia - You are paper pregnant. I love that expression! Thanks for organizing all of us. Can't wait to meet you in the Windy city.

April - Are you feeling fully recovered from the surgery yet? I know it takes a while. I still have the occasional ping from the c-section. What's the next step now?

I know I still have at least two days of posts to catch up on but I'm getting there. I'm typing at record speed at the moment b/c I've got a rare second of Aiden pacifying himself in his cradle. He is quite the momma's boy and loves to be held. I'm trying to keep him awake till about 10pm so we can get a little sleep tonight. Love everyone and be back one of these days!!