[cbrink7]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to vent about something. I hope it is not too negative, but I have to get it off my chest.

2 months ago we lost our twin boys at 20 weeks. It seems to be getting harder everyday mentally and emotionally. As the other update said some days are okay, although I must admit most days are just plain awful.

Well something eles has happened. On Monday it was exactly 8 weeks since we lost our angels. I had still been bleeding bright red blood the entire time but was told that it was normal for some women. Well Monday I passed a big blood clot (bigger then a golf ball but smaller than a tennis ball) and had major cramping. I knew that was not normal so I went to my new doctor. While I was there I passed another one. They sent me down to the lab to get some test done and while there I started to hemorage very badly. I have never seen so much blood. In less than a minute I bleed through 2 super pad stacked on each other, my pants, and all over the seat I was sitting in. We were next to the hospital thank God and they were able to get everything under control quickly. The reason...they left 2 huge chunks of placenta in me when they delivered 2 months ago (not this new doctor, another one). Infection had started to set in (102 fever and chills), and my body was trying to get rid of it on its on. I spent 3 days in the hospital. Thank goodness everything was taken care of but it could have been much worse.

I have not said many bad things about the docs that delivered (well the resident) but this just is too much. Amoung this oversite (even though she said that everthing was out and I had an ultrasound before I left the hospital) we were not told that our angels were alive for an hour after they were born and signed something that said they were not alive. Only to find out the next day that they really were alive for 50 minutes after their birth. So as I slept my angels were dying alone when I could have been holding them. This eats at me daily. There were also other things that were not done (I was only seen by a true doctor for about 5 min at the hospital, again not my regular doctor, I was transfered to a bigger hospital. When I passed a blood clot bigger than a grapefruit in the hospital it took 3 phone calls from the nurse and over an hour for the doctor to come by, when I told them that I felt something hanging out of me I was told not to worry (even though it was probaly the placenta)...and the list goes on.

I know that I was not the only patient in the hospital that day and that my anixity was through the roof. I also know that oversites happen, but I just think those doctors were very careless with me that day and not aggressive enough, and I just needed to vent. Whew...

Anyway sorry to be so negative but to have to still be dealing with everything physically because of oversites from doctors when it is all that I can do to get through a day just basically pushed me over the edge.

I am glad now that this is over, and now I can focus on healing my heart instead of my body.

Thanks for listening ladies. Take care of yoursleves...

[mrsbyrd03]

Oh Catherine, I wish there were some magic words that would make what you've experienced make sense. You have every right to be just beyond infuriated. I don't think it matters how many patients were in the hospital that day, you did not get the level of care that you and your precious babies deserved. Please know that I will be praying for peace and healing for you and your husband.

[Kay]

I am so sorry for your loss and everything that has happened since. You have been through so much.
Kay

[jenedens6102]

Catherine, vent away darling - you have every right too. In hindsight there was information that wasn't shared with you that should have been. There was incorrect information given to you that has caused you even more heartache and pain. Sounds like something that needs to be addressed in a big way. I couldn't imagine finding out weeks later that my babies lived for 50 minutes and I wasn't able to hold them until the end, that they were left alone without their parents. That's just horrible. Not to mention the left over placentas causing an infection and all the pain you've recently endured with that.

[sarah16]

Wow, I hope that venting helped you. I'm not sure I could be so forgiving. What a horrible experience you went through. I'm thinking of you.

[jencat215]

Catherine-you have been through so much. I am so sorry that you are continuing to go through this. My heart aches for you. Please, continue to share your journey. It really does help talking about it...you just might help someone else some day.

I wish I had the right words. Just know that you are in my thoughts.

[PaulaC]

I understand what you are going through. My water broke at 16 weeks. Two days after my miscarriage, I ended up in the emergency room for a D&C for retained placenta. My RE discovered more retained placenta five months later, and I ended up having another D&C. On top of all the physical problems, the mental anguish was almost too much to bear. There were days I did't care whether I lived or died. You have a difficult road ahead of you. There will be days even years from now where you will think you are fine, and you will hear something on the radio that will cause you to burst into tears. I thought my life was over. But you will get through it, and hopefully, you can find something positive out of the nightmare. Through my loss, I learned that I had an incompetent cervix, and it saved my baby's life. Just get through it the best you can. You are in my thoughts.

[Kimmyblueiis]

Oh Catherine my heart breaks for all you have been through. It is inexcusable that your babies were kept from you. You have every right to be angy and to take whatever action you can or want to. I pray you are able to grieve your little angles and find whatever peace you can.
Hugs
Kimmy

[dherbert]

Catherine, You have been through true hell, I am so sorry your Doctors were so careless about the situation. You need to vent and get things off your chest we are all here for you to do that. No words can ever take the pain away and you will always have the paain of the loss but it will ease in time.

I will for you & your family during this hard time.

[wannabigbabybelly]

What were they doing with the babies all that time? Where they hooked up to machines and fighting to save their lives or just watching them since they were so premature? Why didn't they tell you they were alive during that time? Did you or DH ask how they were doing or ask to see them? Or did you just assume they were still born?

I would be furious with the hospital!!!

I'm so upset for you....it's bad enough to know you lost your babies so early...but to find out later that they were actually alive for almost an hour....without you knowing it...that would be so hard.

Then again it would have been almost unbearable to watch them struggle for life for that hour...if they were having trouble breathing etc.

I've watched several people(one being my mother...when I was 16) and animals in their final hours/minutes of life and it can be very distressing to see someone/or even something pass away. I've also watched one of my foster babies in the hospital struggling for every single breath she took and it was heart wrenching, you feel so helpless knowing there is nothing you can do to help them.

In the situation with my mom...my grandparents had been at the house all day thining she was about to pass...but she didn't. They left right before I got home from school. The moment I saw her I just knew it wouldn't be long...I was very upset...seeing her that way...and after I cried my eyes out "privately" asking God to take her away and save her from any pain" I was able to go back in the room and within a short amount of time my step dad and I were at her bedside when she passed (the moment she passed it was very peaceful). My sister came home shortly after and we called my grandparents to tell them what had happened. They rushed back over to our home.

My grandparents were upset at first that they weren't there for their daughter during her last moments of life...and so was my sister...but then we all talked about it and realized that God knows our strengths and what we can handle and what we can not (I know my sister couldn't have handled seeing my mom the way she was).The ones who were meant to be there at that time were and the ones who were not were not.

I can't imagine the pain/helplessness you'd feel as you watched your tiny little premies struggling for life (hopefully they weren't struggling at all ) but at the same time...I'm sure your little babies didn't want you to have to suffer or hurt any more than you already did...and God didn't either. So maybe it happened that way for a reason.

One thing I've learned is we can't change the past. No matter how mad you get at the hospital/doctors or maybe even God. You can't get back those last 50 minutes of their life (and to be honest ..it's hard, very hard for me to think back to when my mother passed away...I prefer to remember all the positive memories I had with her growing up, snuggling beside her, feeling her love and her warmth, starring into her eyes etc)...like the memories you made with your babies, for those 20 months while they were inside you,those are memories you'll cherish for the rest of your life ...they will always be with you and I believe with all my heart you will be with your precious babies again someday and be able to hold them in your arms forever.

I'm so sorry for your losses . I'm so sorry for all the pain both physical and emotional you've had to endure. It's not fair. It's a terrible loss that will take a long time to grieve.

My heart is with you...my prayers are with you .

[rdevine]

Oh Catherine, I am just seeing this now and I am crying. My heart aches for you and I just don't know what to say. I love you and Matt and I am praying that Grandad is holding Lucas and Brandt now in heaven. None of this is fair and I want to scream at the universe for you. I am amazed by your grace and faith this entire time. I am in awe of your strength...I really am. I am so proud to be your aunt, you are an amazing woman. This and more will be in my card to you, but I just happened on your post and could not read it and not say anything.

Sending you love.
Rachel

[jenifardh]

i am sorry for your loss it is a shame we have to go through so much and to know that your babys were alive really hurts i will pray for you and always know things will get better and i know there will be okay days and bad days but good days i feel are far to come don't try to forget it makes it hurt worst just believe in god and know that this is going to make you a better and stronger person

[cbrink7]

Thank you all for your kind words.

Rach-I love you I love you I love you! I am constantly thinking about you, and I am so happy for you guys. Please give Gem a big kiss for me.

Wannaabigbelly-I am so sorry to hear about your mom. You are a brave and strong women to be able to comfort her.

I was told by the doctor that when they are born they may gasp for air. I assumed this meant that they would pass right after. The boys were in our room, but behind a curtain. To think that they were so close the whole time...In my pain meds daze the nurse kept coming in but I thought that she was cleaning them or something. I now know that she was checking their hearts to see if they were still beating. I just did not know anything. I thought about it for a long time if I would have wanted to see them like that. I know I would have. A mom is suppose to take care of their babies when they are sick. I know it would have been hard, but I would just give anything for a hour with them alive. To hold them, to see them move, to know that they were really here. I know it may be harder in the end, but I just hate to think they were alone that time. It breaks my heart.

That paper we signed was after the fact. 3 hours after they were born the preacher came in to bless the boys and the is when I heard the nurse say for the first time they they had not died exactly after birth (but she said for a couple of min.). I remember thinking "What?". The next day the bearevment coun. came in and told us the news. She was furious that we were not told by anyone and I know things were done to address the situation, and we did recieve an apology from the residient that delievered.

I try not to live in the past. Things happened the way they did for a reason, and I can not change what happened. Hopefully it will help another mother not go through the same thing.

There are most days that I wake up and honestly think I can not go on another min. I am just so heartbroken and empty inside. I know it is suppose to get better but right now it just hurts, and this whole episode just brought a lot of things that happened that day rushing back.

I hope everyone is doing well. Take care of yourselves!

xo

[bdillmaggs]

Catherine,

My heart breaks for you and I understand every feeling you are having over the loss of your boys. I lost my boys this past December.

Every day is hard enough to get through and now you have this added pain. It kills me inside to know how devastated you must feel. I would be furious. It is hard enough to deal with the loss of your sons. They should have told you right away about your sons being alive. It is unfair. But, I feel as you do that things happen for a reason even when that reason does not seem clear. That is what gets me through the pain each day. And, you are right some days are just torture but know that tomorrow is always a new day and you keep that hope that it will be a better day.

You have all of us and you should vent anytime you want. NEVER feel you are being too negative. You are just saying how you feel and don't ever feel bad about that.

Beth

[sunny72]

I'm so sorry for all that you have been through.