[tamtam]

I had a weird day.. Yesterday, I won an injunction to keep my client able to go to her Senior Prom. I am so happy she could go and Mother is thrilled. I even got to see her dressed up and ready to go. It was great. I was so sad though today. All I saw areound me was pregnant bellies and even women on here are horrid. I hurt so badly and feel like it will never be my turn. I can't understand why it hurts so much more today when I should be so happy. I really want to be happy, but all I can do is cry and do nothing else...the pain is so deep that I feel like I am dying. I know my heart is breaking and I can't breathe or think.

My question is why?? I don't understand. I really feel like God has it in for me. I get so close and it is snatched away from me.

[Shellyhume]

I have felt that time and time again... after our first ectopic, I thought nothing in the world could be so painful as losing your first child and half of whatever ability I had to procreate... then we had a second ectopic and I REALLY felt like God was playing with me... toying with my emotions, just to see if I would snap... then I found this passage that helped me find the strength to pick myself up, dust myself off, and hand every piece of my broken heart to God because He is the only One who knows how to put it back together...

What God meant when He allowed me to deal with Infertility...

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive “advice”. We can list all the most popular ones: “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant”, or “adopt and you’ll get pregnant,” of the most painful from those who think they’ve got the goods on God’s plan, “Maybe God never meant for you to have children.” The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say “Maybe God never meant for you to live.” However, because I am infertile, I’m supposed to get on with my life. It’s hard to understand that people cannot see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, “Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung, or die.” What if he’d never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that was God’s plan?

What do I think God meant when he allowed me to deal with infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, and create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That’s not my destiny; that’s just a fork in the road I’m on. I’ve been placed on the road less traveled and given more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven’t let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I’ve ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own.

…And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I’ll say, “ Don’t tell me what God meant when he allowed me to deal with infertility. I already know.”


Tammy, keep your chin up and know that God suffers when you suffer and his heart breaks when yours breaks. Don't feel alone in this... I know right now it feels like no one cares... I went through a stint of that, too... even on here, where every man and woman who has posted has been affected by infertility... sometimes our paths feel so deep and dark and desperate we can't see past our pain to the light at the end of the tunnel. But I promise you, don't ever give up and you will find the peace that you long for and the path that brings you comfort. Good luck and God bless you!

[kaym82]

Hey Tam~ I'm so sorry for your loss. Going through a m/c is probably one of the toughest things. I had a m/c last year & for awhile I felt so broken & so sad. I thought my time had finally come & then it was so quickly snatched away. Take as much time as you need to sort through your grief. God has good in store for you & your DH-- you will become a mom. Hang in there sweetie & just know all the emotions you are going through are normal....Sending many your way!

[Kristens_12]

Originally Posted by Shellyhume

I have felt that time and time again... after our first ectopic, I thought nothing in the world could be so painful as losing your first child and half of whatever ability I had to procreate... then we had a second ectopic and I REALLY felt like God was playing with me... toying with my emotions, just to see if I would snap... then I found this passage that helped me find the strength to pick myself up, dust myself off, and hand every piece of my broken heart to God because He is the only One who knows how to put it back together...

What God meant when He allowed me to deal with Infertility...

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive “advice”. We can list all the most popular ones: “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant”, or “adopt and you’ll get pregnant,” of the most painful from those who think they’ve got the goods on God’s plan, “Maybe God never meant for you to have children.” The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say “Maybe God never meant for you to live.” However, because I am infertile, I’m supposed to get on with my life. It’s hard to understand that people cannot see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, “Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung, or die.” What if he’d never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that was God’s plan?

What do I think God meant when he allowed me to deal with infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, and create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That’s not my destiny; that’s just a fork in the road I’m on. I’ve been placed on the road less traveled and given more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven’t let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I’ve ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own.

…And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I’ll say, “ Don’t tell me what God meant when he allowed me to deal with infertility. I already know.”


Tammy, keep your chin up and know that God suffers when you suffer and his heart breaks when yours breaks. Don't feel alone in this... I know right now it feels like no one cares... I went through a stint of that, too... even on here, where every man and woman who has posted has been affected by infertility... sometimes our paths feel so deep and dark and desperate we can't see past our pain to the light at the end of the tunnel. But I promise you, don't ever give up and you will find the peace that you long for and the path that brings you comfort. Good luck and God bless you!

Shelly,

Thanks for posting that! That was amazing and just seemed to sum up the reason for everything we are going thru. It was just what I needed to hear because I too have been struggling w/ some of the same feelings as tammy. Thanks so much!

Tammy, we understand! We will be blessed with a healthy soon!

kristen

[tamtam]

thank you. I have read that from one of the books I have. thanks! I agree. It just somedays hurts more than I can bear to breathe and it is so deep and hard.