I struggled with infertility for over 4 years before becoming a mom through adoption. Now that I am fulfilled as a mother, I have looked back over those dark years to try to figure out if there is an answer to the question that plagued me: “Why me?” I hope that the answers that I have found can bring you some comfort and hope.

First, I realize that every single step and every single tear led me to be THIS child’s mother. If one thing had been different, then I would not be my son’s mother. I cannot fathom not being his mommy. We have such an amazing bond, and the love I feel for him and from him more than makes up for all of the pain that I endured to reach this point in my life.

Second, I did so many good things for other people during my dark years. I mentored several children. I raised money for several charities. I organized helping people who were going through very rough times in their lives. Many of these things I did to help others happened through work. Since I am a stay-at-home mom, none of those people would have been helped if I had been a mommy in the time frame I wanted. Perhaps God had a bigger picture in mind when He chose a different timing than mine.

And, finally, there are things that God has developed in my character, such as patience, that weren’t there before. I am working through a bible study about the life of David. God anointed David as king many years before he actually took the throne. The bible study author believes that God had things to work into David’s character before he was ready to be king, despite the fact that David had a heart after God’s own heart. Perhaps there were things that God wanted to work into my character before I became a mother.

And, taking that thought a step further . . . Have you noticed that many of the great men of the bible had mothers who suffered through infertility? John the Baptist, Samuel, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph were all born to women who struggled w/infertility. I wonder if God wanted to work things into those women’s character to prepare them for raising strong men of God. And, if that is the case, maybe God has big plans for my son.

In closing, I used to wonder what was so wrong with me that God would deny me the opportunity to be a mom. Now, I wonder if maybe there was something “right” with me. Maybe God knew that I would be a good mom, but He wanted to make me the best mom that I can be. Regardless of why, God’s plan was best. I am fulfilled. I have the best kid in the world. I wouldn’t change a single step of my journey because every single step led me to being my son’s mom today.

I too struggled with the "Why Me" syndrome for many years and also felt that God was punishing me with infertility. It took many years for me to have the courage to decide to try go through adoption, partially because I felt that perhaps the infertility was "God's will" and partially because I had been so dissappointed with years of infertility treatment failures, I wasn't sure I could take another failure in adoption (ie...would the agency accept us? would the birthmother change her mind etc..)

But as time went on I began to reach out more to people around me and began to realize that my personality as such, (outgoing and very open) became a beacon to many women and men who confided in me their fertility problems and came to me for questions and advice. (Does this procedure hurt, what do you know about this doctor...etc). I also began to realize that perhaps the whole picture (my husband and my infertility) wasn't about 'us' at all.

I am happy to say that we took the plunge and started the ball rolling for an adoption through an agency in January 2001, were approved in August 2001, matched with a birthmom in Oct 2001 and adopted our son in December 2001. (We were even there in the delivery room!) It was the most beautiful and amazing experience I could ever have asked for. I no longer say "Why me?" with sadness, I say "Lord, Why Me?" with such awe and gratitude.

After my son was born and we came home, we had many tearful moments of joy with family members. And although we had always known that adoption was a huge part of both of our families (my mom was adopted and I have a sister in law who placed a child for adoption 18 years ago) we never realized how much healing still needed to take place on both sides. What a gift our son has been for both families. We have (in our own families) experienced all three faces of adoption and our adoption experience has provided some peace to family members who (I think) still stuggled a bit with their own adoption experiences.

I finally realized, it never really was about me at all. I am a grateful Mom, happy to have a special, adorable, most perfect child in my home. I know I wouldn't be who I am today without the experiences we went through, but I also know our families and many friends gained from our experience too. And that gives me great joy and comfort.

I to believe that if we cling to God that he will give us what we need and that God puts things in our path to let us see how we need to cling to him and rely on him. The bible says the truth will set you free and I believe if we know and believe in the truth that God is with us and is sitting beside us through every tear and heart ache we have, we can feel a peace and be freed from anxiety, and doubt. I was pregnant twice. the first ending in a miscarriage and I believed it was my last chance at the age of37 to have a child and was heartbroken. I tried to take control and make a pregnancy happen, but only when I surrendered three months later did I become pregnant with our son. I am now trying to concieve again but am having problems and am going to a fertility specialist. the path once again is unknown and the doubts and fears arise, but once again the answer is in God and I will trust him.

Thank you for posting this. I'm still in the Why me stage... we've been ttc for 18 months and I always believed I was a strong Christian, but this experience is making me feel like God has abandoned me.

As an adoptee myself - and incredibly grateful to God and both bmum and amum that I ended up where I did - I'm finding it hard to conceive of the idea that I may end up never being genetically related to any of the people I most love.

I've always wanted to have both genetic and adopted children. I still hope that will happen.

It is good to have a Christian perspective on this - so much of what we hear about in churches is all about building the family, etc., and the idea that people struggle with infertility is hardly ever mentioned.

I found it moving and encouraging to read your posts. Thank you.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts.
I too am (rebellious right now) a devoted Christian.
I served God whole heartedly and was devastated
when I lost my son to pre eclampsia. I struggled with
infertility and thought that God was finally blessing
me! I couldn't stand to see my son struggle in the
NICU day after day until he sucumbed... What
hurt me the most was that I had asked God not
to allow me to get pregnant if I would not have a
good outcome. .. How do you pray trustingly after
something like this? Pray about conceiving anyway?
Adoption has always been plan A for us. It was
our goal. But why was I not allowed to keep my son?
Plenty of 26 weekers do make it. Anyway, thanks
for listening. You ladies are an inspiration to me.

[petrine2006]

Going through fertility challenges all of your expectations and beliefs. As much as you know the facts, almost nothing can prepare you for the emotions. I am an OB/GYN who went through fertility myself, and, in the end, realize that it was to be blessed with the children that I ended up with. To help other women going through it or who have gone through it, I wrote a novel called Tick Tock. You can read the first page on www.ticktock.ws. I hope it will bring solace and humor to our community.

[31yrdino]

Faith_amom, I too want to thank you. Several things you said hit home. My husband (who actually witnessed to me 10 years ago when I got saved) reminds me it will happen in God's time, but sometimes he is too logical and I have a hard time taking his advice.
I too plan to be at a stay at home mom, and I never thought about the things I am doing at work could be part of God's plan, and he's not finished using me here yet.
Thank you again.
God Bless

[cowgirlprincess26]

When I was first told that it was me that could not get pregnant I felt, screamed and cried "WHY ME GOD!!!" I prayed and prayed to seek some guidence from Him and for Him to tell me why this was happening to me. I did not get an answer, but I slowly started to move in the Bible and was reading a lot and meditating more and really listening for God to speak to me. All that I know for sure is that He will never give me more than I can handle and He will never leave me in my time of pain. I want to be mom more than anything and I actually look forward to my stomach stretching, labor and delivery when it all happens for us. I know that it was God that lead me to this forum, cuz I know on my own I would never have found it!

[nursesunshine]

Thank you for this post. It has helped me in these depths. God is here. I am trying to have the attitude "it is well with my soul" - it is hard. Thanks for all the encouragement. God bless you.

[Happywife]

That was a great post. Thanks so much for sharing. I hate it when I get into the "Why Me?" mood, but it does creep in more often than I'd like to admit. We've been TTC for 20 months (Wow. . just had to figure that up and it was a couple months more than I thought it was.) We are feeling led to adoption, but will continue with our fertility process so we can find out why we are unable to conceive.

Thanks again for posting that. What a great thing to start the day off with!!

[benzmomm]

Thank you for the posts. There are times when I feel like we take God of the picture and pray our will over our situation. Although I am pregnant after 3+years of trying for #2, there are so many amazing things that God has led me through in the last years. I still don't know how this journey will end, but I have chosen to entrust my life, my son's life, my husband's life, and this new baby's life into God's hands. Ultimately in the knowable and unknowable plan God has for us, we will be blessed beyond our measure... even if that means at the end of times. I too feel like God has worked things out in me, has led me to change and challenged me to grow in ways that I didn't know I needed.
Truthfully, it wasn't until I whole heartedly believed God and let go of MY plan and chose to trust him... that I really believed another baby was a possibility. The funny thing is this last cycle was the most physically and emotionally difficult of all of them. My husband and I acknowledged that we were drifting, both in our own worlds of disappointment, hope and expectation, and I realized that I was still trying to control my fertility in a way God made clear I couldn't.
Anyway... long winded.... but Thank you.... God is sovereign and has a plan for us even when we don't understand it. He offers a peace and comfort throughout the journey, it's our choice to ask for it and accept it.
krista

[msdizzydolores]

I haven't read the other responses, but I broke into tears because that could have been ME that wrote that.

I have to print this out...it gave me such encouragement, peace and a better understanding of WHY ME, LORD, WHY ME? As you, I know God is working on my character and I know he purposed me to be a mother...that desire to be a mother isn't there for no reason.

I thank God I'm born again and that it takes the trials of others to give you revelation about why you yourself are going through.

Thank you so much. Now I have to read the other responses.

Originally Posted by faith_amom

I struggled with infertility for over 4 years before becoming a mom through adoption. Now that I am fulfilled as a mother, I have looked back over those dark years to try to figure out if there is an answer to the question that plagued me: “Why me?” I hope that the answers that I have found can bring you some comfort and hope.

First, I realize that every single step and every single tear led me to be THIS child’s mother. If one thing had been different, then I would not be my son’s mother. I cannot fathom not being his mommy. We have such an amazing bond, and the love I feel for him and from him more than makes up for all of the pain that I endured to reach this point in my life.

Second, I did so many good things for other people during my dark years. I mentored several children. I raised money for several charities. I organized helping people who were going through very rough times in their lives. Many of these things I did to help others happened through work. Since I am a stay-at-home mom, none of those people would have been helped if I had been a mommy in the time frame I wanted. Perhaps God had a bigger picture in mind when He chose a different timing than mine.

And, finally, there are things that God has developed in my character, such as patience, that weren’t there before. I am working through a bible study about the life of David. God anointed David as king many years before he actually took the throne. The bible study author believes that God had things to work into David’s character before he was ready to be king, despite the fact that David had a heart after God’s own heart. Perhaps there were things that God wanted to work into my character before I became a mother.

And, taking that thought a step further . . . Have you noticed that many of the great men of the bible had mothers who suffered through infertility? John the Baptist, Samuel, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph were all born to women who struggled w/infertility. I wonder if God wanted to work things into those women’s character to prepare them for raising strong men of God. And, if that is the case, maybe God has big plans for my son.

In closing, I used to wonder what was so wrong with me that God would deny me the opportunity to be a mom. Now, I wonder if maybe there was something “right” with me. Maybe God knew that I would be a good mom, but He wanted to make me the best mom that I can be. Regardless of why, God’s plan was best. I am fulfilled. I have the best kid in the world. I wouldn’t change a single step of my journey because every single step led me to being my son’s mom today.

[wallace1]

Although I did eventually conceive, I struggled with the "why me?" and "God is punishing me" thoughts. If I had conceived one day earlier my daughter would be...somebody else. I'm sure that if adoption were the end result I would feel that same way about the adopted child. Ultimately things do happen as they should.