[fuzzykitten]

Hi ladies,

I've been wanting to do this for some time. I've had tons of iuis and ivfs, and they've all failed, and unfortunately I was dumb enough to share them to close friends. Maybe 5th time will be the charm. I'm trying to take a humorous attitude for the next 2 weeks. So, what's the meanest/cruelest thing somebody's said to you about your infertility?

Mine:
1. couldn't you just ask your sibling to give you a baby?
2. can you go adopt a new born? they're everywhere.
3. why are you looking into international adoption when there're all those domestic foster kids?
4. you're too stressed. most people succeed without help the moment they give up. you should try that.
5. why do you want kids anyway? What is it you need from it?
6. You can take my kid to the zoo if you just want to experience being with children.
7. Why don't you go be a nanny? There're all sorts of moms out there looking for a helper. That way, you can be near children.
8. You need to move on. You still have a family, siblings, the rest of us. You don't need a child.
9. you know, when you're around children, and you try to love them, your body releases a hormone that makes you pregnant. Try to love the children around you.
10. I think I can cope with childlessness any day better than a sick kid. What if you need to choose between being childless and having a sick kid?

I'm hoping you ladies would be able to top me, or else I seriously need to stop talking about inferility with my friends.

[fuzzykitten]

Oops, looks like there's an active thread on this topic. Please see:
http://forums.fertilitycommunity.com...1&p=1107523538
I think that's the right link.

[Persephone1881]

Not quite the right link. The one you posted was to reply to the topic. Here is the link to the actual thread: People say dumb stuff when you're ttc

[ballerinagirl]

If you have'nt gotten pregnant by now maybe you and your husband should'nt have any children two days before
Christmas while she sat on her couch 18 weeks pregnant.

She is crazy I tell u crazy. I thought women were supposed to support each other.

[Mom2MandyandTristan]

I didn't see this thread when it started but I am glad it was bumped up.

The meanest/cruelest thing said to me was by my hubby's sister....she was newly married and it was christmas. Me and dh were sad cause we have been trying a year already (I know not that long to some) but it was still depressing and he confided in her about our troubles....my family doesn't "believe" in infertility treatments so they know nothing about us TTC & that I was being tested by the REs I worked for....we just avoided the question of when we were having another. Anyway she tells dh that she too is having trouble...her dr told her she had cyst that would make it very difficult to concieve and she would need surgery, etc. I never really liked her but felt very bad for her..............until 2 weeks later when she calls to tell us she is pregnant! She only told us she was having trouble cause she wanted us to be surprised when she called us with the news (she had a feeling when she spun her lil lies 2 weeks earlier). I wanted to grab her by the throat thru the phone....fortunately dh told her off (well his version of telling off) and we chose to avoid her after that.

To this day doesn't see why we were hurt (this on top of her being a terrible aunt to Tristan....she didn't even mail a card, send a text or email for his birthday, she never calls about him she just calls to say how messed up we are that we don't call to check on her) and thinks maybe we just weren't meant to have anymore and should leave it in God's hands like she did (yeah after trying a whole month).

[qweska8402]

Originally Posted by Mom2MandyandTristan

I didn't see this thread when it started but I am glad it was bumped up.

The meanest/cruelest thing said to me was by my hubby's sister....she was newly married and it was christmas. Me and dh were sad cause we have been trying a year already (I know not that long to some) but it was still depressing and he confided in her about our troubles....my family doesn't "believe" in infertility treatments so they know nothing about us TTC & that I was being tested by the REs I worked for....we just avoided the question of when we were having another. Anyway she tells dh that she too is having trouble...her dr told her she had cyst that would make it very difficult to concieve and she would need surgery, etc. I never really liked her but felt very bad for her..............until 2 weeks later when she calls to tell us she is pregnant! She only told us she was having trouble cause she wanted us to be surprised when she called us with the news (she had a feeling when she spun her lil lies 2 weeks earlier). I wanted to grab her by the throat thru the phone....fortunately dh told her off (well his version of telling off) and we chose to avoid her after that.

To this day doesn't see why we were hurt (this on top of her being a terrible aunt to Tristan....she didn't even mail a card, send a text or email for his birthday, she never calls about him she just calls to say how messed up we are that we don't call to check on her) and thinks maybe we just weren't meant to have anymore and should leave it in God's hands like she did (yeah after trying a whole month).

What a complete b*tch! People can be so inconsiderate! My favorite one by far has been: "It's a good thing you had a m/c b/c you wouldn't want a baby with issues. That's why you had a m/c in the first place." Um, excuse me?!?!?! This was said to me by one of my coworkers while we were at work maybe 4 days after my first m/c. That one still stings and it's been almost 10 months now. Some people just shouldn't open their mouthes!

[bunniswife]

I had been told by my father in law to get over it after having my third miscarriage in a row. Then he yelled at me for making my mother in law cry for lending her the book Empty Cradle Broken Heart. Apparently it brought up feelings from her miscarriage which she hadn't dealt with. Then, when my father in law found out we were using Clomid to try and conceive, he told me it went against God and that maybe we weren't meant to have children! I told him then that if he ever got cancer to just lay down and die because treating it would be against God's will and he hasn't said a **** thing to us since.

[havanajims]

Well I dont think it was meant to be mean, but we told my dad I was pregnant via IVF on his birthday, and he asked me when it was going to turn into a "real" baby.

My DH and I were like ummmm...."real"????

[lisa_kev]

My parents knew of us going thru IVF. We recently found out that this pregnancy (our 1st) was not viable. I told my dad we were going to M/C. My step-mom knows of course, but she's never acknowledged our loss. Not one word. Sometimes the unspoken things can hurt just as much. It doesn't surprise me, coming from her, who's already a witch most days. But knowing what we had to go thru and to decide not to even acknowledge our loss is just as mean.

[wannabigbabybelly]

- you just have to have more faith. If God wants you to have a baby he will allow you to. (aunt plus many others)

-fertility treatments are against gods will, you need to repent and leave it to god.(aunt)..though it's funny how she all of a sudden was so thrilled when the fertility treatments got me pregnant.

-your "obcessed" with wanting a baby (grandma)....back before we had any children and were trying to concieve and starting the process of fostering to adopt.

-"You don't want to be pregnant" then continues on to say how terrible all the symptoms are. (this from a friend who had trouble with infertility herself and should now better that I would love to experience all the pains of pregnancy...just as she once longed to have).

-"Pregnancy is over rated, you don't want to be pregnant" (friend who had 4 children herself and was trying to convince me that I was better off not going through pregnancy and having a bio-child)

- "Not as easy as adopting...huh?"- When I for th e only time in my pregnancy mentioned that I was having painful galbladder type pain, when she asked how I was feeling. As if she has ANY IDEA how difficult both conceiving and adopting were for us.

"you'll understand when you have one of your own" (sister in law)...repeated many times...even after we had adopted.

-"there's nothing like having one of your own" (brother in law) when we told him we were pregnant and he was congradulating us....our reply..."no, and there's nothign like adopting a child either".

-"I'm finally gonna be a grandpa" (my step dad) when we told him that we were pregnant....even after we had adopted 4 children....yet suddenly he was finally going to be a grandpa...um ...what about my other 4 children?

Anyways....there are about a gazillian more. Unfortunaly we get insensitive comments both ways...when it comes to concieving and adopting.

[Kris79]

Since half of my family has dealt with some level of infertility, I'm fortunate not to get the comments from that side, but my DH's sisters are just joys to be around...

"Do you ever wonder why L & A don't have kids yet...they've been married for like 4 years at least." - DH's younger sister said this about a couple at our church and she said it to us when she knows we were unable to get pregnant on our own.

DH's older sister was complaining about her youngest son (who was about 1 at the time) getting older and how she missed him being a little baby. She knew of our struggles and the fact that DH had a zero sperm count so I thought her comment was a little insensitive. I jokingly said that she'd just have to have another one then. She glared at me and said, "Uh, no, I think it's someone else's turn." Hello...not for lack of trying!!! This was at DH's grandpa's funeral three days before we got our Klinefelters diagnosis. What a surprise to find out she was pregnant two months later...and she claims it was planned. Boy, that makes that statement ten times worse since she would have gotten pregnant around the time she made that statement.

My next favorite was when she told DH on the phone that her life is so hectic with four little kids that we could never understand how terrible it is. This was after our fourth failed IUI with donor sperm. I applaud him for telling her that he's sure it can't compare to the living he!! we've gone through for the last 18 months.

Another favorite is when my friend, whose sister had her 4th unwanted child around the time my SIL had her 4th child, told me that since her sister and her druggie husband can't take care of their kids, maybe DH and I could just have one of them. She's also told me I could have her son on numerous occasions, especially when he's misbehaving.

They just don't get it!!!

[qweska8402]

Originally Posted by lisa_kev

My parents knew of us going thru IVF. We recently found out that this pregnancy (our 1st) was not viable. I told my dad we were going to M/C. My step-mom knows of course, but she's never acknowledged our loss. Not one word. Sometimes the unspoken things can hurt just as much. It doesn't surprise me, coming from her, who's already a witch most days. But knowing what we had to go thru and to decide not to even acknowledge our loss is just as mean.

I have to agree with you here. I've been going through the same thing. My parents have said not one word to us after either m/c. After our 2nd loss, my step mom TEXTED me and said "sorry to hear about that." That's it. I haven't heard one thing from them about it since. 3 months after our 1st m/c my sister asked me how the baby was. I told her that I m/c. She said, oh no one ever told me. I assumed since she lives with my parents they would have told her. Nope. I really think it may be worse to say nothing at all. It's like they don't even want to take the time out of their day to care. Man, IF SUCKS!

[bistro]

Besides, "relax and it will happen" over and over again from my all knowing mother who insists it's a proven fact, the worst came from my BFF, when she was about 34 weeks pregnant and I was having a bad day and the subject of adoption came up. I said that I wasn't ready to even think about that yet. I said that at the stage I was at, it was very depressing and that I didn't know if I would be able to accept that. She said, "Really. It surprises me to hear you say that. I don't think I'd have a problem with it", as she shrugged.

I love her to death and have talked to her many times about how people can be jerks and say the wrong things. She's been mostly great. I realize she could not have known this would be a terrible thing to say, but it was!

[bino]

So, I've got the most evil SIL in the world. She has two gorgeous girls, of which she can't be bothered to get out of bed to take them to school, and most days can't seem to make it to pick them up either. The first one was a 'baby daddy' that she tried to marry for money, but he didn't fall for it. The second one fell for it, and she married him (that's BIL). So, she is one of those women that marries "occupationally", and has a child to secure the income. (I'm being totally serious here). I have only seen women like her on TV. She's "malibu barbie", which would be great if she weren't such a vile person.

Anyways, she's always been nasty to me. (She's nasty to most women). I have always turned the other cheek. I'd rather let her have it, but I bite my tongue for the sake of the family continuity. I finally asked her one night what I had done to elicit such nastiness from her.

She sd, "You're never going to have a baby, God is punishing you. I hope you never, ever have a child. You are broken, and can't even give your husband a child, and if you think MIL is going to stand for that! She'll talk your dh into divorcing you." My jaw hit the ground....what? Did that seriously just happen, am I in some reality show called 'crazytown'? Wow. I told dh what she sd, and he promptly told her off, told his brother off, and kicked both of them out of the house. (Go dh!) Neither have ever apologized or mentioned it. Like it never happened. That's class. More like pure evil.

Or my next favorite, is "when you stop trying you'll get pregnant"..... uuummm yeah, I don't have tubes, so I guess that would be called "immaculate conception", that's only happened once in history, roughly 2009 years ago!

[JennyA1982]

Wow, am I ever horrified at hearing all the TERRIBLE things people have said! I'm sadly not overly surprised, but I didn't know other people knew such terrible people!

My worst comments came from my friend (who also struggled and had 2 m/c) but now has a DS, (whom I love to death!). It wasn't so much a comment as the complaining about her pregnancy as well as her problems (which were bad, granted, she had placenta and vasa previa), and always calling me for support, which I gave of course. Don't get me wrong, she's a really great friend, and is now fairly supportive (other than not really talking about my fertility problems nearly as much as we discussed hers), but she was indirectly mean by not being at least a LITTLE sensitive to the fact that I would give ANYTHING to be going through what she went through to have a healthy baby like she did. She should know, of all people, how I feel, yet its always about her struggles, now with breastfeeding, then her mother in law, etc etc. She was greatly supportive when we were in it together, now its hardly mentioned, I guess because she's done going through it. I also wanted her to share everything with me throughout her pregnancy, as we had discussed, but all I got was how tired she was, how cranky, how stressed, and all her pains. I kept trying to get the good out of her stories, and help HER enjoy her pregnancy more, (and then me through her). She's great now with sharing her ds with me, letting me hold him, etc, but during her pregnancy was probably one of the hardest times for me, because she was one of my biggest supporters and I lost it once she no longer struggled with the same thing.
Anyways, thanks for listening, and I'm soo sorry all of you had to go through waayyy worse things than me with your struggles.
I tend to not tell too many people, but of course we get the "when is it your turn?" comments, my sister knows of our struggles and still hounds me to get pregnant (as if I DONT WANT TO), and the "you can have one of mine" or "you don't want them", coming from someone who went for counselling because she also had endo, and now has 3, all by accident!

On another note, bino, as far as evil SIL goes, I COMPLETELY understand, though now she (and the rest of DH's crazy family) are out of our lives, for fear of losing our own sanity.
Though I can imagine that if we WERE in contact with them, my SIL would say very much the same thing. After all, she and my DH's brother both dropped out of our wedding party 1 week before the wedding because "they couldn't stand up there and lie to God in the church that they supported this farce of a marriage" after telling DH that he was crazy and should go to a mental hospital. Of course, they still came to the wedding (my DH didn't want to ruffle grandparent's feather's and look bad - its all a sick game to them), and lied to everyone telling them that I (not even DH!) kicked them out. Anyways, suffice it to say we are better off without them, as sad as that is.
Its SICK when people misuse God's name and their faith for Him to say such disgusting things, I'm sorry that anybody else has to go through something similar.
I pray for you all.