[sweetm79]

hi everyone. i am new here. i have been reading some of the posts on here and it breaks my heart to see that so many people are dealing with if.

i am in need of some advice because i just don't know who else to turn to or what else to do. maybe you guys could give me your thoughts/opinions on the situation. am i just being silly or stubborn? maybe i am just thinking about this in the wrong way?

well...here is my story. i am sorry if this post is too long.

my husband and i have been married almost 4 years. we have been trying to conceive for about 3 years. i have had a medical condition since i was 17. i am now 28.

when i was diagnosed with my condition years ago i was told that i would probably be unable to have children due to the medication i was taking (it was known to cause birth defects). when i was 20 my medication was taken off the market due to the side effects. so...i was switched to a different medication and was told that there were NO side effects and that i would be able to have children...i would just have to stop taking the medication while pregnant. and there was a possibility that i could have a flare up of my condition during pregnancy...but i knew that i was willing to take those risks and be sick during pregancy if i meant i could have a child.

not long after starting the medication i began to have crazy side effects. but it did a great job of managing my condition.

so fast forward a few years. my husband and i are married and trying to conceive. he has known about my condition from day one and seemed very supportive. he also mentioned that if it turned out that i couldn't have a child "we could always just adopt".

after many tests my obgyn and fertility doctor figured out that basically the medication i was taking has forced me into menopause and my only option for having a child is ivf with donor eggs.

i am totally willing to do that. and my husband is ok with it too. however, when discussing ivf plans the other night i asked about adoption if the ivf was unsuccessful. he said that adoption is not an option for him. so ok...i am thinking that we just won't have kids then. he said no and that it has always been his dream of having his own biological children and he will not ever accept adoption.

so...where does that leave me? i am willing to risk my health (and possibly even my life) to do ivf so that we can have kids. but i know that ivf is not 100% guaranteed and i also have other factors that will make my chances for success even lower. well...how can i commit going through with ivf with someone who is just going to leave me if there is no baby to show for my efforts?

i feel like i possibly can't give him what he wants or needs as far as children...so i feel like i need to just let him go so he can try to start a family with someone else. i just can't see myself doing ivf if he is not going to even consider not having kids or adopting. i am just so frustrated. i thought he loved me for me...not just my ability to have his child.

i have an appointment to see a counselor...and now my husband wants to go with me. he doesn't want to talk about if stuff until the appointment and wants to pretend that everything is fine until then. how am i supposed to relax and enjoy myself with him until the appt after knowing how he feels? i am so hurt, lonely, confused...and really just crushed that he isn't in this with me no matter what.

[Kathelen]

First, I need to give you a hug. None of this is ever easy, and it sounds like you have additional stress going on.

We are using donor eggs... and donor sperm. My DH also does not want to adopt (but that could change. In the beggining, he didn't want to use donor sperm). We spent a long time talking and reading together about the subject.

I am glad to hear that you are going to a counselor. I think that will be the best thing for both of you. Don't give up on him yet. Men sometimes don't express themselves well (surprise!) and he may need a chance to figure out his feelings.

Good luck. Feel free to come over to the donor egg thread. It is huge and will take a long to time to read, but there are a lot of women there also using donor eggs.
IVF Cycle with Donor Eggs

[nething4mybaby]

Hi there and welcome!
I can relate to how you are feeling. My Dh has no children of his own he is stepdad to my kids. He took on this role of stepdad to a 9 and 6 yr old at age 23. I had my tubes untied for him after we got married and it resulted in an ectopic which resulted in more surgery. Now my tubes are seemingly too scarred to conceive naturally and we are not having much success with the IVF. He feels terrible that I have gone through so much, the meds, the surgeries.....he feels that maybe for my sake we should stop but I feel for his we should continue for a year, as I am 9 years older than he. My point is that I often feel as though he deserves to be with someone who can give him the family he always saw himself having. A young healthy girl. Having expressed this to him (many times in fact) he tells me that he married me knowing full well that this may be the case and he married me to live his life with me and we will make the best of it no matter what the outcome of the IVF. I bet your DH feels the same. You hang in there. The waves can be strong but they dont have to knock you down.

[sweetm79]

Thanks for the responses. I really appreciate it. Unfortunately my husband can't deal with this and our marriage is now over. Oh well...

I wish the best to you guys.

[Kathelen]

Oh, I am so sorry.

[msnoonoo]

Wow. I just finished reading your post. I am so sorry to hear about all of it. Take time for yourself to let your heart heal.

[wewishforbaby]

I'm so sorry to hear about all you are all going thru.

IF can be one of the hardest things to go through and it's even worse when you both want a child badly. There was a time when I sort of felt like my dh should be with someone else because I felt horrible I'm not able to produce a child like some women.

However, one night Dh and were talking and he got mad b/c I was telling him maybe im not the woman for him. He was highly insulted and hurt at that comment. He told me that he married me for better or for worst and that he didn't marry me just to pro-create! So if we have children great, if not then it's God's will for us!

Basically I had to work with that. Sometimes the guy is going thru hardships as well...we have to be patience, prayerful and persistent and most of all BELIEVE that our day will come!

[nething4mybaby]

I'm so sorry to hear this. Our RE was just telling us today that IVF is such a huge strain on relationships. Hope you heal quickly.

[J-LYN]

IVF is very hard to go thru and hard on relationships, no doubt. We have had our go rounds, also.

My heart goes out to you, and one of my suggestions it to try with donor eggs and his sperm, my clinic had a 95% successrate with donor eggs. So you may be successful. I dont know what your health issue are to prevent you from carrying, so if that's the case, then he is being unreasonable.

Blessings for you to work it out and have your family.

J lyn

[Lisa_zee]

Oh dear Sweetie,
I have just done reading your message. I'm sorry to hear what had happen. But do remember that we will always be with you in the net as well as at heart. Maybe its already fated that he is not meant for you.

Reading your note, makes me remember what my friends had adivise me when I'm so down due to not concieving.
God is great, He knows whether you should or should not get a child. For us the little ones, we only can try & try as well as pray to get a child. But, we have to keep in mind that there are people that are meant to be childless. And these people are created by God to take care of children who doesnt have parents.

Sweetie, dont be sad. What ever happend to you is actually the best thing for you. Only god knows why. Keep on praying & take care of yourself. Some day, there will be a man that will understand you better & loves you for the person you are now.

take care.

[desperado]

Hi
I thought I was the only one.I have been diagnosed with prolactinoma from the year 2000 and have been taking cabergoline ever since.I have anovulatory cycles . I had been clear about this to my husband from day one.My parents As the doctors told me everything as ok I never worried.I came to the US and my
But now he accuses me daily and abuses my parents and his parents had come along and abused my parents as well of cheating them.I feel as if I am about to die each day.I hate myself so much that I feel like I want to commit suicide.

[LV93]

Please hang in there...no situation is hopeless! Just keep faith and anything can happen. Many times I thought my situation was hopeless- now I am so glad I kept trying.

to you.