[fruitless]

I know this is a tough question, that many don't want to answer honestly, but at what point in your dating careers, did you just, say, 'the next guy who likes me, gets me--(who's halfway decent!)??? With fertility, it seems settling is the necessary component, before women can have their true fulfillment.

When you hear all the divorce stories, and bad marriages, I find it hard to believe everyone really didn't know it wasn't going to get better while they were dating or living together. They just hated dating, being alone, or gave up the 'perfect' marriage/man theme. Of course there are those, who will say they didn't settle and they love their husband. I say, you are truly the luckiest people alive.

I am at the point where I need to make that decision. It seems, I either stay alone, (possibly forever) and keep looking for the guy who I can't keep my hands off of (while relinquishing my ability to try and have my own child)... or take a total dweeb, no one wants and rush to fertility. I wish it could sound better. But, it's either one or the other. My middle ground has disappeared.

Eager to hear your thoughts.

[jencat215]

Well I guess I am the luckiest woman alive because when I married my Dh 7 years ago kids were the last thing on either of our minds. In fact I started thinking kids about 5 years ago, and both of us got in sync with it 3 years ago.
I was previously married to a man that I met young (19) and stayed with for the wrong reasons. When he wanted kids (he was 4 years older) I knew I had to leave. I wasn't ready, and I knew I didn't want them with him.
I knew from an early age that if I was ready for kids and didn't have a man in my life, I would find ways around it. Lots of wonderful women on this board did. I am very lucky because I have my soul mate.

Now my advice, don't settle for a man just to procreate. That is nuts. If you feel like your clock is ticking and you want to have children now, there are many other ways to go about it. You might want to reconsider your middle ground because 'settling' just to make a baby is not going to make you happy, and could end up very traumatic in the long run.

[shb24]

If I didn't find the right person (which fortunately I did) I was going to either adopt or do fertility treatments. I knew I'd be a momma, but I'd rather be a single momma than with a guy I'm not totally in love with. I totally second all of jen's comments for so many reasons I don't have time to write!

Ultimately, your child would be the loser if you marry someone you don't love.

[bq122]

In my opinion based on my experiences, NEVER settle for a person. You are to good for that, and dont have too.

I settled when I was much younger, I did have a beautiful dd out of that marriage. But she is 24yrs old now and I feel bad for what she had to endure until she was of legal age.

So, Please think of the child you so desperately want with a person you may not want in your heart 100%.
Years later I found my dh and he was truly sent to me from GOD. 19 yrs later, I love him more now then I did then. He is my friend first, and my dh second.
Of course I am speaking from my own experiences and you may experience something better than I did.
I wish you well.

God Bless,
Barbara

[Livebait3]

My own personal experience has lead me to believe it is much better to be happy single than miserable in a relationship. Having a kid(s) is no easy task at times I am sure and if you are in the relationship for the wrong reasons, I doubt it will work out in the long run.

I waited until I was 37 to get married because it took me a long time to find the right person. My DH is my soulmate and biggest fan. I am glad he has been here to support me through all of these fertility issues, but had I not taken this path, there are lots of other ways I could have fulfilled my dream of being a mom (i.e. adoption, foster care, IUI or IVF with donor sperm etc.)

[Persephone1881]

I definitely agree that settling for the next warm body that comes along just for the sake of having a child is not going to ultimately make you happy. You won't be happy, the guy won't be happy, and any children will definitely not be happy.

When my husband and I got married, the idea that it would be difficult to have kids never even crossed my mind. But what we've had to go through (and granted, it hasn't been nearly as tough for us as it has for a lot of other women here) has brought us closer together and made us stronger. If you're not in a strong relationship before and while going through IF, I think in most cases it would be more likely to tear you apart.

[KELLIF4]

I'm with Jen on this one. I was married when I was 26. We were engaged for about 2 year's prior to that. Babies were the last thing on our mind's. I had just finished school and he was only a couple year's into his career. We enjoyed going out and traveling a bit...
Definitly DO NOT settle. I think you are a little wrong assuming most girl's' settle - I know if I would have married the guy I was dating before DH, I would be MISERABLE !!! So now, Not only would I have been miserable with my marriage, I would been more miserable not being able to get the child I want

[Violara]

I'm new here, but your posting really spoke to me. Many years ago, I was in a long-term relationship (8 years.) I really loved that man, and we got along really well, but he was uninterested in marriage or children. For many years I felt that I was lucky to love someone who loved me, and that was enough. After a while, though, I began to feel that there was perhaps someone else out there, who would want a move towards a future together. I broke up with this man, and spent several years alone. As I was reaching my mid-30s by this point, I had to accept that childlessness was perhaps my fate. I did still hope for love, though.

good luck!!!!
I reached a point where I thought to myself, I will take any decent guy. Do you know this song, Code Monkey? The kind of guy you wouldn't necessarily think twice about, but who might just be a nice guy with a decent job that has some inner depth that you could love. I don't know if you have ever practiced yoga, but I had a fabulous instructor around this same time, and the intention she always set for her practice was always "to open my heart to give and receive love more freely" which I just think is great. I adapted that philosophy, to accept love, either romantic or fraternal, or whatever.

And one day I ran into an old acquaintance, someone who was a little short and allergic to my cats, who didn't fit my "list" of requirements, who is basically just a "guy," but who likes to do the same things as me, who takes care of me, and appreciates when I take care of him, and most importantly, someone who makes me laugh.

I tell you all this, because I didn't think that your question was, "should I marry Mr. Wrong to have a baby" but maybe, "should I take the plunge with someone descent, if he comes along." I do think there is a certain amount of settling when it comes to choosing a lifemate, if for no other reason than you are making a decision that you don't think there is someone else better out there. If you reasonably think there is, then don't do it, you will be miserable. But if you're pretty sure, and it is someone you can live with, and I mean that in all senses of the word, then perhaps you will be happy.

[Bri01]

I think that we all have that one person out there for us and if and when you are lucky enough to find them you try your best to hold on to them. There is no perfect marriage or relationship. You have to work at it just like anything else!

Do not settle for Mr Right now in order to have a baby. There are other options out there for you to pursue if you want a child, and if and when you find the right person they will accept you with that child no matter how that child came to be a part of your life.

I have a 8 yr old dd that I adopted while in my first marriage. The marriage did not work out for me nor was it the best for her. I made the choice to leave that relationship knowing that in order to have any more I'd either have to adopt again or go through IVF. My dh had no children prior to our marriage, and after my ex relinqushed his parental rights, he adopted her four days before our ds who was conceived through IVF was born.

Dont live with someone just because you can deal with them after settleing for less. Be with the one you can't live without!

[Laci]

I am very blessed because I married my DH because he was the love of my life. We have been married for 9 1/2 years, and did not start trying to have a family until we had been married 4-5 years. We never anticipated having problems conceiving, but that was the hand we were dealt. My DH felt so bad when we figured out the cause of our difficulties, and needed affirmation that I did not have any regrets in marrying him. I have no regrets because I married an amazing man who loves me, and now are son, more than anything. Even knowing the obstacles that we were to face, I would not change anything. He is the only person that I can imagine going through life with, and it brings tears to my eyes to think that he is the father of my beautiful son. Life is full of many heartaches, and there are no guarantees, but what a comfort to know that I have a beautiful family, and that DH and I share an amazing love. With that said, having a child is one of the hardest things you will ever do, and if you do not have a strong and loving relationship it will be very difficult for that relationship to survive. Further, what a gift it is to our children to have parents who love each other, and for them to know that they are a symbol of this love.

[Pennycuff]

Take it from someone who refused to settle and finally got married at age 36 years old... wait to find that right person, you will thank yourself in the long run.

There are no guarantees in life....DH and I are 12 months ttc and still no baby. When we got married, we had no idea he had poor sperm morphology but it wouldn't have made a difference if I did know that beforehand.

Kids are born, grow up and move away.....that leaves you again alone with your spouse for the rest of your life....you better enjoy that person or it will never work out for you, so you'll end up alone anyhow.

Keep your chin up...I know how you feel because I went through the same thing but I am soooo glad I waited for the right person to share my life with...kids or no kids.

Good luck!!