[Marie81]

My husband and I have been going through fertility treatments and surgeries since last January (2008). The year has been a nightmare filled with nothing but bad news. Not only does my husband not produce sperm (nope, not a single 1), but my ovaries are hardly functioning (I’m 27) and don’t respond well to ivf drugs, we found out most of this info about 2 months ago. To make a long story short, we are facing the fact that we will never have a baby of our own, and my chances of conceiving with donor sperm are extremely slim. At first this strengthened our marriage incredibly, we mourned together, took care of each other’s hearts and talked it out every day for a couple weeks. I was thinking, I don’t understand how infertility puts a strain on your marriage, it’s bringing us so much closer together. After time though, our marriage is starting to feel the weight. My dh has accepted the hand we were dealt and is moving on with normalcy, but I’m still incredibly sad and don’t know how long it’s going to take me to feel happy –or even normal-- again; Is this feeling my new ‘normal’? I feel like a changed person. I am on xanax and Zoloft and have talked to therapists. I have friends to talk to. But I’m still sad, and it’s hard participating in a marriage where you don’t share similar feelings about such a life-altering subject … I feel like he is always mad at me for being sad, and I always have to explain why I feel sad over and over. I’m dumbfounded that he doesn’t understand my pain, much less share it. I don’t know what the point of my life is if I don’t have babies; I don’t want to think about adoption yet and don’t even know if we could afford it.
That said, the most difficult part of it all is facing family during the holidays because nobody understands. I’ve chosen not to go to a xmas eve get together that my pregnant sis in law is having, and I was truthful about my reasoning – it’s still too hard for me to be around pregnancy. I don’t feel like I’m being selfish, I feel like I’m preventing myself from crying all night after I get home from the party, I want to try to have a nice xmas eve. But somehow, none of my in-laws respect my idea of self-preservation, they tell my husband they don’t understand why I’m not over it yet and that I’m being silly, etc. This is terrible to say, I but sometimes I wish the feeling of infertility on other ppl (like everyone) – even if just for 5 minutes – so they’ll understand and respect me. I feel really alone. I feel like I’m starting to hate everyone --even the guy walking down the street-- just because they are capable of conceiving, ..and I know it’s so negative to walk through life feeling this angry every day. I’ve lost a lot of faith in God, though I try not to lose all faith. But if He is the one who gave us infertility, how can I pray to Him to take it away? It just seems like too much of a contradiction.
Being around family this year is so hard. Everyone knows about what we’ve been through all year, but nobody brings it up or asks how we’re doing during the holidays. I know they don’t want to step on toes, but all I need at a time like this is a warm conversation with someone who genuinely cares about what I’m going through. So I guess the saddest part is realizing that none of them truly care about us the way I wish they would, my expectations are too high. But I have definitely learned from my family (and everyone else who just stares and avoids the subject) what not to do. When people are going through life-changing experiences, they probably want you to bug them about it and hug them like crazy. but that’s just what I think.

[renni1010]

Marie81 here are a whole bunch of big *hugs*

I am sorry you are going through so much pain right now especially at the holidays.

We are all here for you, although your family doesn't understand, we are your "IF family" and we DO understand.

[petuniapig]

I feel so much like you do. I too avoided family over the holidays. My husband also has seemed to move on and acts like there is no issue. He left me to see his family and his brother's new twins. He couldn't understand why I didn't want to be around be people who couldn't stop gushing over twin newborns! Unlike you no one in his or my family knows about our situation. I don't want people to know our business and feel sorry for us.
I totally relate to your statement about hating people just because they can have babies. My two closest friends just had babies this year. Just today I got a baby shower invite from DH's cousin. I'm getting so sick of it! I feel so isolated and alone - like I don't belong anywhere.
All I can say is hang in there! You are not alone - there are others going through the same heartache as you! We are thinking of you.

[tryingtobestrong]

i'm so sorry you have to go through this...in fact i am sorry that we all do.

I agree...sometimes i wish people could just feel this pain and wieght we carry around...you for a few weeks...so they get it...and can see the world through our eyes.

it is hard not to lose faith...but remember...you have everything inside that you need to get through this...and you will. It may not feel it right now...but you have a wonderful destiny and a great life to live...and you do have amazing purpose...just as you are. All of us have a purpose and sadly, the universe/god does not always communicate it with us clearly. Or, in our darkest times...we just can not hear it.

I know my DH finds our journey a lot easier to deal with...i honestly think it is a male/female thing. You both need to love and accept each other as you are. Don't be angry at him for being him, and ask for him to love you every moment as you are...neither of you should be forced to pretend you feel anything other then you do. Time will heal and bring you bck closer together.

mostly big hugs, i hope that this year bring you more joy and peace within your hearts.