[amberlynn]

Does anyone else out there have crazy guilt and sadness at the thought of depriving DH of biological children? We have been TTC for 2 years w/ no success. Now entering injectibles stage, feeling totally hopeless. I fear we are in the last stage, and i have been seriously thinking about what i will do in 6 mos if still unsuccessful. My DH was born to be a father- awesome w/ kids and always wanting one of his own. I love him so much. How could I live w/ the sadness and guilt that he may be able to have this w/ someone else? I am convinced to leave him and let him pursue conceiving his own child, if he would let me. Am I a total head case or is this a normal thought?

[tryingtobestrong]

oh hun, i think the only way to be objective on this...is to think what you would do if the situation we reversed.

Would you want to leave him if he was the one struggling...would you not love him anymore?

there are many things that can happen...in all relationships that test us. Who knows what will happen over the years..but you need to remember that you got married because you loved each other.

Infertility is hard...but remember your love for each other. It would be awful to lose that wanted baby and each other.

I know, i'd never leave DH if it was his medical problem that was stopping us get pregnant...and i know he would not want me to leave him...i am sure that your DH loves you...for you...and would not want to lose you.

[Sarah_84]

You are not crazy at all. I've been there too. I love my DH so much and I've found that the hardest part of this infertility crap is not so much that it hurts me but that it hurts DH and there's nothing I can do about it. I've cried myself to sleep more times than I can remember over having to tell DH that it hasn't worked or worse - it has but I'm bleeding. I've often thought if I'm being selfish for staying with him when he doesn't really have to go through this. I think this is a stage that everyone goes through when it's only 1 partner that has the issues (my dh has different results each time but nothing majorly wrong). Basically the conclusion that I've come to is that if he starts feeling this way and wants out, I won't fight him. I really don't think that will ever happen though as we married because we love each other, not because we could make a child - that's just a great bonus if it happens! I know it will hurt if we do have to come to the decision to stop treatments but I also know that if it was him with the problem, I wouldn't leave him or want him to leave me. I wish you all the best with it. xoxoxo

[Sarah_84]

Originally Posted by tryingtobestrong

oh hun, i think the only way to be objective on this...is to think what you would do if the situation we reversed.

Would you want to leave him if he was the one struggling...would you not love him anymore?

there are many things that can happen...in all relationships that test us. Who knows what will happen over the years..but you need to remember that you got married because you loved each other.

Infertility is hard...but remember your love for each other. It would be awful to lose that wanted baby and each other.

I know, i'd never leave DH if it was his medical problem that was stopping us get pregnant...and i know he would not want me to leave him...i am sure that your DH loves you...for you...and would not want to lose you.

We must have been posting at the same time! That's exactly the point I was trying to get across, well said! xoxo

[Pack812]

I have totally felt this way, and even said so to DH, though it really hurts him if I say it.

(OK, selfishly, I'm actually kind of glad to know that I am not the only one.)

We are actually at the point of starting IVF with donor eggs (fingers crossed), but there are always options and they are making more every day.

IF is hard, but hang in there and try not to beat yourself up for something that isn't your fault!

[arucker]

I have major guilt big time. Not just of not being able to give myself and my husband a child, but especially not being able to give my parents a biological grandchild. I always burst into tears just thinking about it. My mom wants a grandchild so bad and she tells me to adopt and that she doesn't care, but I know she probably does. I'm starting to cry just writing about it. I don't know how to get over the guilt. I guess just time.

[MissAmanda]

I had all the same thoughts you did.I broke down one night and told him how I felt.After being yelled out and seeing how hurt he was I decided to stay with him.Its not a baby he wants its me to be happy.No matter if its with or without a baby.

[tryingforfirst]

DH and I have had a similar situation but it was the other way around. He told me that maybe I'd be better off without him and that if he left me I would be happier b/c I could find someone else that could give me children.

To say the least, I was really really hurt. I understand what he is saying but I made sure that he knows I want to be with him, with or without children. I was really afraid for a minute that he was going to leave me. I love him so much and I really can't imagine my life without him. And yes, this is hard and tries our relationship and as much as I want for us to have children together I want even more for us to be together. And there are other options if IVF doesn't work for us. I don't even know if I am open to adoption b/c I don't feel like I have to crossed that bridge yet, but you never know...

[amberlynn]

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I did finally tell my husband what i was worrying about and ever since he has been so much more loving and sympathetic about the whole process. He claims it would "not be the end of the world" if we didn't have kids. I can't help but wonder if he would feel that way if we knew for sure we couldn't. Who knows what time has in store for us. You are all right- we may encounter worse trials than this one. Anyway, i feel lucky to have someone who is loving and supportive now. I will just appreciate every day, as each is a gift.

Thank you all and i wish you the best of luck too.

[amberlynn]

Angel, i had not thought much about my parents as my sister has children and has taken that burden off of me. I feel for you. That must be very hard. I can't help but imagine that your parents would LOVE any little child that you loved and raised as your own. I am quite sure mine would. Good luck to you, and thank you for the encouragement.

[lshanse1]

amberlynn... hopefully the injectibles will work for you. I did numerous rounds of clomid and never got pregnant... but follistim was a miracle for me. I have a wonderful little girl on the way after just one cycle of follisitm!!! to you

[ampridgen]

I went through that with my first husband, and it was probably 50% of the reason I left him. He was from a HUGE family and always assumed he'd have one as well. Hindsight is 20/20. The funniest (now) part of it is that his second wife had her tubes tied before they were married and he ended up with no biological children.

If your marriage is good and you love your husband, it won't matter if you have children or not. You'll always have each other.

Wishing you well on your two week wait,
Amers

[ashxl]

Great post, me and DH have been having same situation for the past 5 months now, although we've been TTC for 6 years.

I found out 5 months ago that he was actually cheating online and talking to girls. He would look at pictures and communicate with young girls, particularity girls with babies already. Although he said he has stopped I felt like this jinxed our luck.

I felt guilty but ashamed of myself because I couldn't give this man one thing he wanted the most, a kid. We love each other but we agreed if IUI and IVF doesn't work then we'll probably go our own way.

Its so sad.

[nzsc]

Hi,
Wow - this post hits home. I feel the same way. I often think about leaving DH so he can remarry someone young and fertile to have kids. With us, there is an age factor. The age thing never bothered me before, but it does now with TTC. I am 39 and he is 35 (36 soon). So he should be with some 28 or 30 year old someone and have children. I love him so much, but this is all so unfair to him. This whole experience is hell.
Natasha

[Danilstewart]

oh hun, I hear your cry!! My suggestion is counseling. I did not go and I left him. I couldn't handle the guilt. I felt I was depriving him of a happy life, of children because of my failure as a woman. You are not alone in these feelings. Talk to him!!! Remember why you love each other. I am lucky enough to find someone as has my ex hubby but everyday I think about what my life could have been like and I still miss him and love him. Nothing will change that, and I can't ever go back. Love will get you thru. Just remember to connect if he loves you and wants to be with you, then it is YOU he wants. Remember that.
If you need to chat I'm here.