[maybebaby1]

Hi there! I need a place to vent my true feelings, sometimes they are hurtful and can't be discussed.

I have been married almost 4 years, and been ttc the whole time. About 2 years ago I asked DH to go in for a SA. He didn't want to but did and told me everything was fine. He lied. I understand he felt embarressed and other emotions that lead him not to tell me, but I didn't find the piece of paper that said his stats until 1 1/2 years later! He definatly wants more children, he adopted my son who is now 7 from previous relationship, and is a great dad. We did IVF with bfn, then we did IUI with donor sperm with a bfn. We now have not a penny in the bank (spent $33,000 on all this) and have no hopes ANYTIME in the future of trying again. I am devistated and feel my world is falling apart. In the meantime DH does not talk about it, or to me about any of it. It seems just to be over, and I can't exept that! I feel aweful but I just can't. My DH has also made me feel as if all the money that went out over this was like a gift to me, are you kidding? I feel so alone and as if now that this is all over so is our marriage. I can't not have more children, it is my calling and all I ever wanted in life.

Is anyone else having these issues or have any advice? Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[HRMS MOM]

so sorry you are going through this but I think it is harder for men to except that they have problems and my DH did not really talk about everything we were going through that much. I am not sure why but as we all know men are just different than woman. They bottle things up where as we want to talk about them. Have you tried talking to him or seeing a therapist? It maybe that he has not really come to terms with how he feels about everything. I hope things get worked out for you. It is so frustrating!

[LauriePK]

Wow, maybebaby1, we're so similar! I've been married and trying to conceive for 4 years too. I'm fine but my hubby has sperm issues. Our IUI didn't work and we're are going into donor sperm and IVF treatments soon.

It's hard for my DH to talk about it. He told me right away, but it's devastating. He tried acupuncture and herbal teas, but it didn't work.

Sometimes people go through stages -- so maybe you'll be able to try again! I needed to "go on hiatus" after 6 months of IUI, and I said I never wanted to try IVF. Now, we're starting IVF and I'm eager to get going.....sometimes people just need time to adjust to their new realities.

Things may change for you and your husband, if you give it a little time. I think couples counseling is a great idea -- we had to do it for the IUI, and I'm glad for it (though it was expensive!).

Stay hopeful...you never know what the future will bring!

Laurie

[HopefulinCO]

I'm so sorry you're frustrated. I know that men deal with things a lot differently that women, and I think they see their SA as some measure of their manliness so they don't want to admit that it's a problem. Worse of all, I'm sorry DH doesn't want to talk about it. That seems like the hardest thing. Have you asked him to see a counselor with you? Some IF clinics even have them on staff as part of the treatment.

Now for some tough love, forgive me. What if the shoe was on the other foot? If you had cancer and had to go through chemo and were infertile as a result, would DH leave you simply because you couldn't give him biological children? You said he's already been wonderful enough to adopt your son, would you take away your son's father so that you may or may not be able to have another child? Remember, just because you aren't in your marriage does not necessarily mean you'll have another child. I'd also like to remind you that you have several years left to keep trying - you could save and go through more IUIs with donor sperm or adopt or foster children who need parents as much as you need a child. While I certainly think your DH did the wrong thing by lying to you, do you think maybe he had a valid reason to be afraid of your response given your current desire to get out of your relationship with him because of it?

I sincerely hope that you find happiness, whatever the outcome of this situation is. Please forgive me if my response seems harsh - I just want you to see the whole picture and maybe take a step back and look for other options. I really hope you and DH can work it out, that he'll go and see someone with you.