[dyidyet]

My DH and I are TTC for the past 3 yrs but that's not all that is stressing me. DH have a 15 yr old daughter who lives with us. I guess the age says it all. I find myself resenting her. Why am I taking care of somebody else's kid? Everybody's response is, "She is your husband's kid. You have to accept her blah blah" It is not that I do not accept her, I don't hate her, I'm just struggling and resenting why am I taking care of her and I'm having a hard time to have one of my own.

Counting my blessings (aka: things make me more guilty) are : The kid loves me. Yes, she can be annoying and irritating with the whole teenage drama but the kid respects me. The kid respects me more than her real mom.

No one understand why I'm resenting her and I know it is not right. I don't want to feel this way but I do. Logically I know what I should do. I should listen and be a friend to her blah blah. But easier said than done. I find myself beating myself about it. I vent on my DH about this but it's the same thing over and over again. It seems I can't open my heart completely to her.

Bad days : I end up saying, "I cannot accept that she is the only kid I would know." I just can't, not for now.

Thanks for letting me vent. I just need to get that out.

[ara79]

Maybe you should go speak to someone about your feelings. Also, I don't mean to assume, but you refer to her as "the kid" and it just doesn't seem like you are giving her the same respect that you say she gives you. Try and look at her as a young girl, who for whatever reason doesn't have too much respect or guidance from her real mother and looks to you for guidance and a role model. 15 years old is such a fragile age for girls. Just my opinion...maybe she doesn't need you to be her friend, but her mom instead. also, since "the kid" loves you, do you love her?

[dyidyet]

I do love her. It is just difficult for me to accept that she would be the only daughter I would take care of. And I realize that she is looking for a mother in me, it is not that easy to do that role with her.

[ara79]

I can understand that that would be difficult. Sometimes it really does help to go speak with someone about your feelings. They could probably help you deal with them in a healthy way that would make you feel a lot better. You know? Don't give up hope on having children of your own one day...I know it's hard.
Amy

[Boston73]

I agree with Amy..maybe speaking to someone of your feelings will help. This is your husbands child..she's going to be around for a while, you might want to do something now about it or it's gonna get worse. Soon or a later it's going to effect you and your dh's relationship and I'm sure that's the last thing you want.

Don't shut her out...even tho she's not yours..she is your dh's and she needs you. I'm assuming since she lives with you and not her biological mom, she's not getting the love she needs from her, just guessing. She loves you, so maybe talking with her about it will help. Explain to her how your feeling...maybe she'll understand and can help you thru this.

We're all struggling to have our own child, in some cases it's just not possible which is incredibley sad, believe me, I know. But I'm not giving up and neither should you.

I really hope things work out for the best for you and your family.

Take care
Jill

[einstein]

Does your stepdaughter know that you are trying to have a baby? Is she aware of what you are going through? If so, you should share with her how difficult this time is for you and that you may seem distant at times, but that it isn't her fault. It's all related to the emotional stress that you are dealing with. She's probably a pretty smart kid who has an inkling that things aren't great with you at the moment. You don't have to give her every last detail of what you are dealing with, but I'd just let her know that you are in a rough patch and need space. And let her know that you still care for her.... even if you aren't feeling that way right now. Can the two of you spend an afternoon with lunch and shopping or renting a movie or something? Something that lets her know you still care and something that might take your mind off the bad things happening right now.

[MamaMia]

You and I actually are in a very similar situation, as I too am having to raise my husbands child, and as much as I love my stepchild there will always be that disconnect. It doesn't matter how many times they call you mom or regard you as such, when the chips fall they are not your child in all entitlements. This is a very different situation from having an adopted or biological child which you have been able to have and influence since birth and are for all intensive and legal purposes their parent with full entitlements.

I too have had to share with my DH the same resentment that you express. You almost find yourself holding back because you feel like you are saving the best motherly givings you have for your "own" child. You almost feel entitled to selfishness as all that you are and strive and work for and want to bequeath (including materials possessions) is something you want to be able to pass on to your child rather than to your husbands (and his ex's) child.

What also doesn't help this situation is if you have a difficult ex who despite your DH's support and inclusion of you in parenting, makes it a point to try and remind you that you are not your stepchilds parent.

My suggestion to you is to be very honest about your feelings with your DH (if the lines of communication are open and you think he will be receptive). you will be suprised because most men can acknowledge that if the shoe were on the other foot they may have some similar misgivings. Because we share this situation, I can read thru your "the kid" references and tell that you do love your stepdaughter and give of yourself to her, but just have a resentment in not being able to give to your own child what you feel you are giving away to her. Then of course there is that anger of having to be a mother on terms not your own. You know it helps me to focus on how unselfishly my stepchild accepts me as mother and I also focus on how when I get my and have a baby my stepchild will be equally delighted to accept this new addition as their brother or sister.

I hope this helps. Don't beat yourself up, I applaud you for being honest enough to admit and share your feelings in an attempt to find resolution. KUDOS to you.

Good luck with your desires to be a mother in more ways than one!

[dyidyet]

MamaMia,

You actually hit a spot there when you mentioned : "You almost find yourself holding back because you feel like you are saving the best motherly givings you have for your "own" child. You almost feel entitled to selfishness as all that you are and strive and work for and want to bequeath (including materials possessions) is something you want to be able to pass on to your child rather than to your husbands (and his ex's) child"

I know it is silly, but that exactly how I feel. I try to fight it. I know my step daughter needs loving too. It is actually getting better now that she is getting older ... I pray it continues ...

Thanks for the support.