[Newbiewithhope]

Just wondering.. How much do your family and extended families know about what you and your dh's are going through?
My dh and I have been arguing about keeping things private and between the two of us. He feels that his family should know everything.
We have a testicular biopsy that we have to do and see if they find sperm. His mom wants to come. I just knew how it was in this house when we found out that we had azoospermia. It was painful for us. I want privacy during that time.
I'm not sure if I can handle having his overwhleming mom here.
Plus I come from a family where things are private. In his family... everyone knows everyone's business. When we found out about the azoospermia we told his mom not to say anything. Two days later.. we found out she told other family members.
So I feel like we need to keep this whole thing private between him and I, but its a lot to deal with and he has always been extremely close to his mom. I just worry that if we find out the test results are negative and they don't find any sperm. I'm going to be surrounded my his mom telling us what to do next and this is a child were talking about... So I worry that if it comes down to this and we use donor sperm or even identfied donor sperm the child will have chance of finding out from someone other than my dh and I.
Sorry soooo long.. I had to get this out and get your opinion.
Help.
Lyn

[mdbrum16]

I know exactly how you feel. My MIL is the same way!!! We were going to only tell our parents that we were going to have the IVF done and we asked them all not to say anything. Well needless to say my MIL had told everyone in the family, family friends, and etc. We were going to St. Louis to have our procedure done (we are from Indiana) and she came with us. She was there through the ER and couldn't understand how there were only 13 eggs from 29 follies. She left after the ER and called 8 times while I was have the transfer because we didn't know the fertilization report until we had the ET. We only had one single egg that made it and she has told everyone that it was not going to work!! Even though I get super aggrivated sometimes I know she is just trying to help. I told my MIL after my ER that I was so happy that she could share this time with us, but there were no parents around when she concieved her children so we also need a little privacy too. She told me she had never thought of it that way and she was glad I told her how I felt. I promised her we would keep her updated and she was okay. My mom is total opposite though. She doesn't ask anything she waits on us to tell. She says if we want her to know we will tell her. So I am not used to all of the sharing either! Just let you MIL know that this is a special time for the two of you and you promise you or your DH will keep her updated.

Misti

[sarah16]

We update just to say we are trying something different, I tell my friends more than my parents and inlaws.

[mrsrodgers]

I understand completely....my MIL has always been over involved in all of her kids lives but my DH told her several months after our first RE visit and now she wants details...we asked her not to tell anyone (specifically my SIL) and the next thing I know my SIL gave me a "fertility necklace" just in case we needed it and she knew we had been trying...I was in tears and my DH called his mom to tell her that he won't be telling her anything and she cried and said I told my SIL....After that experience we have only told a few close friends that have been there since day 1....After our disappointing appt. yesterday I just don't want to deal at all with my MIL....I have basically told everyone that everything is going fine. I just give NO details....it is hard but thank goodness for this group.....Good Luck....

[daninyc12677]

When we first started trying we kept it to ourselves and the longer we are trying and the more we are going through the more we tell people but really just people very close to us. I've had to tell work some stuff because of missing days for appointments but it does get stressful having some people know and ask all the time but it also gets sad when my in-laws know but act like everything thing is status quo I think it's a catch 22. Hang in there!!

[LittleBitCrazy]

I don't know how that feels but I am sorry for your situation. My MIL tends to get drunk and tell me that if I have a baby "It better be a girl" because she had three boys and wants to have a granddaughter. When she says this over and over she makes me feel like if I have a boy she will not love him. I tell her all the time that we are hoping for a healthy baby not for a certain sex. I try not to mention anything about our fertility to her anymore.

[hoping4miracle]

Great question. We are getting ready to start IVF and my DH has told all of his siblings and friends and will be telling his parents this weekend. To my DH this is acceptable casual conversation. I am dreading the holidays with the family and actually told my hubby that maybe we should wait until Jan to do our first cycle because I do not want to talk about my uterus the entire Christmas Dinner.
Although I am struggling with what to tell my mom she doesn't know anything yet. she is not like my MIL, who is a gossip, my mom is a fixer. Once I tell her I know she is going to want to move in with us for months or have me quit my job to rest or fly across the country for a third or fourth opinion. UGH. I am not looking forward to that conversation but I know we have to do it soon. Can't have everyone at Thanksgiving dinner and one side of the family knows and the other doesn't.

Good Luck

[marilynn]

Newbie, what a good question. I am sorry that you have to negotiate that along with everything else.

At first, I told no one anything (I'm the talker) and my DH is generally pretty self-contained. After about 7 months I told a bit to some very close friends. The person who I would share this with was my Mom who passed away last year. So, we keep it pretty much to ourselves. This works for us for now. The other reason we don't share so much is because we would absolutely dread having to discuss IF stuff at a family gathering - EEK! After we lost our baby, one of my great aunts actually told me about fertility enhancing positions, lol!!! Now, that is a road I just didn't want to go down.

My DH's family is very formal; so, I don't have the same MIL issues. I think establishing comfortable boundaries would be good as someone suggested.

Best, best wishes to you!!!

[J*e*n*_78]

Hi Lyn!!

You pose a question I have wondered also. We have told close friends and certain close family members. I think it largely depends on the persona of the person you are telling. It also makes for less people to tell if you have a failed attempt, the way I look at it. Good luck with everything!! Especially with your sperm biopsy!! ( Ours is in 4 weeks... we are nervous!)

[mia23]

Hi Lyn,
We have told some close family but not to what extent we have gone. I have not told everyone and I too dont want it to be some family gathering discussion. I am also afraid that everyone would try to be overly supportive and that would put more pressure on us in an already stressful situation and on days when I am very depressed from a negative beta I would not want to have to send out a mass email or make a ton of calls. I am so happy I found this group, it is great support and genuine thoughts, hugs, and prayers. These women go through the same thing and know what this feels like, it is the best! Good luck keep staying positive, and kindly tell your MIL how you feel! My prayers are with you for the biopsy.

[1of2mommies]

We've told immediate family (siblings and parents), and a few close friends. I'm talking with two gals at work, one who is already pregnant, and one who is also trying. DW has told one close coworker, and I think she's happy keeping it at just the people who know now. Personally, I don't mind who knows, and I actually like talking about it, partially for myself (big talker) and partially because I like the opportunity to educate people about fertility treatments and how families like mine (i.e. same-sex parents) can come to have and raise children. I figure the more people who know about and understand families like mine, the less likely our child(ren) will experience any discrimination or be subject to intrusive questions.

[Shanna]

We have been very selective about telling people too. My MIL doesn't know for the same reasons that a lot of you have expressed. She would tell anyone and everyone. She would totally make us the topic of every family get together. I can just see her wanting to discuss fertility over turkey and pumpkin pie!

I have also told my co-workers because with all of the time off, questions have been raised. Work is totally supportive, though, so I am glad they know.

Overall, I have been happy with who we have told and who we haven't. The people who know have been awesome. I guess you just have to chose wisely.

[wewishforbaby]

I've been going through the same thing.

Recently we got a but a few days later AF showed up so it's a no go for us. Quite a few of our friends and family knew about this cycle and in some ways I regret telling them and in some ways they've been very supportive.

However, if family calls you and you don't answer the phone or they can't find you, they get all panicky and constantly want to know if you're ok. A few people I know also said some really insensitive things.

For our next cycle, no one will know. DH and I have promised each other that we'll keep it to ourselves until we are certain things are progressing well.

[CryingInside]

I am pretty open about everything. There are some comments I don't like, but not keeping it all to myself I have to expect that. I had decided to tell everyone because it is important to me that IF is understood better than it is and that includes how to talk to someone who is TTC. Usually I can just tell someone if they say something that I don't like and they get it. I know its a learning experience for all of us and my friends and family understand that too so it works. I can totally understand your fear that your child might hear about the donor sperm from someone other than you. I would probably say that if it gets to that point and you did get pg from donor sperm then you could sit everyone down together, tell them all about your fear and see what everyone says. If dh needs his mother as a support system, then that is okay, but she does need to realize that some things are private. I hope that the biopsy goes well and you won't need to worry about any of it!

[KB505]

I've been wondering whether to tell DH parents or not. When DH and I were dating, DH got lymphoma. I asked DH parents to bank sperm before beginning chemo, but as the girlfriend, they looked at me in part like "who does this girl think she is" and in part "did she really just say the word sperm when it applies to my baby". Now at this time, DH and I had been dating for over a year. Part of me honestly feels like his father went ahead with the chemo without banking to "show" me who was in charge. Well now we can't have kids. Way to go, FIL. I feel like if we don't tell them, they're going to bug us for an answer. Avoiding it will be like admitting, but I really don't want to let them in on anything concerning this. However, if they don't know, then FIL will no doubt use this as a "your fertility returned, so KB has to start speaking to me again". But if they know, I also wonder if FIL (not MIL, she's nice) would favor BIL and SIL children since they'd be his "real" (in his eyes) grandchildren. I'd rather have FIL think he deserves absolution than a child who gets treated as second-class. Not really an answer to what I did, more of a "what's going on in my mind".

I did tell my mother, and she's been really great. She's not one to tell anyone else, and she's a good listener. I think that's my going criteria for telling people...they should be trustworthy enough to keep the info to themselves and wise enough to not say tactless things.