[kerben]

Happy New Year everyone!

I am new here and this is my first post.

In a heated argument several months ago, my husband asked me what was more important, a baby or our marriage? Feeling cornered, I answered that I wanted a baby more. I hurt him deeply by saying that, and I hate myself for saying that, but in all honesty, there is a tinge of truth to that statement.

I am 35 years old and have been married for only 1 1/2 years and have been ttc for all that time. I didn't understand why month after month, we were unsuccessful. I caused myself so much stress that it affected my menstrual cycle. I went on Clomid to make sure I ovulated regularly, thinking all along that it was my body that was incapable of getting pregnant.

I begged my husband to have an SA, but he dawdled because he didn't feel the urgent need to have a baby NOW. Anyway, he finally went and found out that his sperm has low motility (38%). So now, he is devastated that he may not be able to father any biological child. While in ignorance, he didn't want a baby. Now that he knows he may never be able to, he wants a baby.

All of this has caused GREAT stress on our marriage. Being together is not fun anymore. Sex seems like a chore. I feel that we are not connecting because I want a baby more than he does.

Even with our low chances of having a baby, I still want to go through the birthing experience. My DH thinks I'm crazy and feels that we could be happy with adopted children. While I have thought about this, I still want to have my own baby, while I can. I feel such a great urge to have a baby and it is so hard to explain to him why.

Anyway, I am sorry for the long vent. I just needed a safe place to verbalize my thoughts about the possibility of choosing motherhood over my marriage. I love my DH and I married him because I thought we would make a great couple and parents. Now, all this turmoil....

[Sarah_84]

!!! I'm sorry you are going through this. IF put's great stress on most marriages and Clomid just adds to it with the mood swings and hot flushes and all the other wonderful side effects! Some times you just need to step back and re-evaluate things. I completely understand your need to have a baby, we are all right there with you but at the same time you'll need your DH to get through this. Not only to create your much longed for child but also they can be wonderful support as they are the only people in the world going through excactly what you're going through at the same time. Even though it's you doing all the hard work with the poking and prodding at the Re office, they are normally feeling what you're feeling, they're just more annoying because they don't like to talk about it! Low motility is a great set back but it is still not impossible to get pregnant. We have the same issues and are doing IUI's. If you can get your DH to take fertility vitamins, eat right, stop wearing undies, cut down drinking and no smoking then you'll probably find that it will pretty much fix itself up. I had to do this slowly with my DH, He doesn't smoke or drink so that's not an issue but the other stuff we did 1 thing at a time so that it wasn't such a huge life change and his sperm became normal for almost 1 year. Last time came back low again so he's back on the vitamins again. If this doesn't work, I know there are girls on here using donor sperm and some even use both donor sperm and their DH sperm to increase the chances. The best advice I can give you is to work with your husband, not against him. Men have major issues when they find out that the IF is partly their fault and they are no good at expressing themselves. Maybe some counselling could be a benefit to help him understand where you're coming from and help both of you to learn how to support each other. Good luck and I hope you can both work through this. Keep me posted!

[butterflybaby]

HI,
I am 33 and understand how you feel..I really want a baby to..my hubby does to but doesnt like to talk about it much..sometimes I feel like Im going thru all this fertility stuff alone..(our work schedules are diff and we dont see each other much during the week) My DH has 33% motility our RE wasnt concerned with that at all since his other numbers were great..2007 has been a crappy year and I cant wait for it to end!! Good Luck to you In 2008 and lucky for us that we have this forum to go to and vent!!

[Sarah_84]

I agree with you butterfly, 2007 was a crappy year! 2008 is the year for us! . 's for everyone!

[alg76]

I feel your pain, I am 31 and have been diagnosed with stage4 endo since i was 18, so I have had a lot of time to deal with the possibility that it wouldn't be easy having a baby if it even happened at all! i have been married for almost 2 years and actively trying for just over a year. My DH thinks it is him who is keeping us from having a family, but his numbers were great, but I think men deal differently then we do. He too, never really wants to talk about all the things that I go through...meds,BW,US,APPTS but I make a point of telling him everything. I even made him watch a show on the discovery channel calle "Baby Lab" because I wanted him to see some of the things that I am doing, he did watch the IUI we had last month, but still doesn't quite get that I am going through a lot mentally and physically. try talking, when he seems receptive then go a little further, I have learned less is more. and let him ask the questions!!!!

[charms]

sometimes that motility thing is messed up, as sperm grows in prior mohths.....if he had a cold or fever, it could mess the test up. have they done a repeat SA?

my DH's motility was 31%, he went to the chiropractor for 3 months 2-3 times per week, and when we redid his SA it was 51%.

when we did ivf, they still choose to do icsi as his morphology was not quite the best - but the did choose the right swimmers, as we got 21 out of 24 mature eggs fertilized.....

do the SA again - you might be surprised at the results.

Also if you try an IUI or a very timed and triggered cycle, there is still a good chance provided your tubes are clear and functioning properly.

Good luck - this is a new year with a bright new beginning!

[babyplease]

Hi again Kerben,
I totally sympathize with you and your want/need for a child. Sometimes it's easy to start to feel like that's the most important thing in your life. Dh's get put on the back burner alot!! You have to remember though that you two can get through this. TTC is VERY stressfull on us and it gets worse the longer it takes. We start to wonder why, what's wrong with us and then some of us even start to get mad and resent our spouse (myself included). I don't think they understand right away how much having a child means to us. Sometimes it takes them finding out that something is wrong with them in order for them to even feel a little bit of what we go through. Hopefully you two and discuss things and work it out together. I know it's hard and depressing but you need a healthy body and MIND. The more stress you are under the harder things will become. Do something to pamper yourself and your DH. Try to reconnect and talk about things. When your ttc, we sometimes say things that we don't mean or out of anger and frustration. That's normal, especially with our hormones. This is a great place to vent, ask questions and find out how others deal with the same situations as you. We are all friends and understand. Just try communicating when you are not frustrated. That helps so much with my relationship with my DH. My prayers are you and remember, don't give up!!LOL!!!!!

[kerben]

Thanks everyone for your workds of encouragement. It is so hard to go through this drama, which I'm sure you all understand.

We have a consultation with an RE on Monday. I am eager to see what the doctor can tell us about our situation. My husband is doing his best to support me, but if he had it his way, he wouldn't go.

I am jealous of all you ladies whose husbands want a child as much as you do. At this moment, I'm just so very tired of going through this by myself. The more I express my desire to have a baby, the more I push him away. So, I keep it inside, which makes the marriage all the more strained.

I am glad I found this site!

[babyplease]

Kerben, as I have said before, you will get through this. I used to feel alone also but you are not. There are many of us in the same situation (some worse than others). Don't even think that if he had his way he wouldn't go to the RE with you. Trust me, if he didn't want to go, he wouldn't. I learned a long time ago that you can never force someone to do what they don't want to. Take things a step at a time and see what happens. See if he's willing and takes the steps to stick it out with you. If he does, great!! If not you will know and deal with it then. Just remember that this is a stressful time for everyone but you can get through it. My Dh and I fought tooth and nail and almost got a divorce over this because I too felt that he didn't care as much as me but you know what? Through communication and our love for each other, we worked it out. This is a stage that a lot of us have to go through because of the unknown and the stress and the Why Me? You can and will get through it. LOL , Babyplease

[tryinhard]

can someone tell me what a chiropractor can do for sperm?

I had varicoscele surgery 9 months ago, still no baby.

[Dee2008]

I have learned that yes your hubby is important. Especially to you and unorn child dont let the pressure an rush of because of age cause you to seperate from the love of your life. He need you he not being immature or insensitive. We have a tendency to go full force no matter what or who I want a child and I want a child right now. I took a break an enjoy my husband an now he is the one taking more about starting treatment and watching Jon and Kate plus 8 It like his favorite show he does not feel that he is going to lose me to a pregnancy or a child. But I am his wife first and then a mother.
me 38
dh 44
IUI#1
IUI#2
IUI#3 july 08

[kerben]

Thanks Dee2008 for your insight. The discussion of whether or not to have a family is a constant one in our marriage. We had 1 failed IUI, and decided to take a break for a few months and go au natural. Of course, that hasn't worked either. My husband and I love each, but now the discusion is 'what happens if we never get pregnant?' For my part, I would want to seriously look into adoption. My husband is not comfortable with that idea. So, in the end, I want a family and he does not (unless it is our own). How can two people come together on that? How can we compromise?

After the failed months of trying, I agreed to work in Iraq for 6 weeks. I'm here now. But once back in August, we plan to have a few more IUIs. This is my urging. My husband wants to stop all medical procedures and let things be. Well, we agreed to try 2 more times and then take it from there if things don't work out. IVF is also out of the question (religious, financial reasons). And of course, we need money for the IUIs and other medical bills. (Working in Iraq as a contractor pays alot). It's ironic that I am here in a war zone risking my life in order to create life. Go figure!

[Naomi35]

This is an old post so I don't know if you are still on this forum- but this is our situaiton too!

I am 35 and a 1/2 and have wanted a baby since I was 22.
I have been with dh 3 and a 1/2 years. Love him madly. TTC for over a year, he finally got a s/a and has NO SPERM in his semen.
so now we are going to docs and stuff.
But part of me is ready to dtd with whomever I can the next ovulaiton.
I want a baby so much.
We are hoping dh's problem will be fixable, and that we won't have to do ivf with tese ( I don't know if you know about that stuff)
But then in reality when I think of leaving him or having another man's baby it feels gross.
Where are you guys with this?

[angelmichelle73]

Naomi35_
I am 35 and a half and have wanted a baby for years, I am so sorry your in that situation. It's so hard. I have had many ovulations where I REALLY wanted to go bar hopping. I wanted a baby more than anything.. My dh had one or no sperm. I would get sooo mad...Long story... look up macaroot.com he had normal sperm in about 2 months.