[jmastera]

Hi, I'm Jeff. This is my first post so I hope I put it in the rights place.

My wife and I have been trying for over 2 years now and are soon starting in-vitro. 6 months ago my brother and his wife were blessed with a new baby boy. Here is were the story takes the turn. Since my new nephew has come along I have been a little depressed. I cannot bring myself to hold or interact with him. I'm not really even sure what feeling I have and why it brings me to not wanting to be around him. Part of me thought I was jealous of my brother and his wife but the more I think about it I may be more angry with myself. No Doctor has ever pointed at one of us as the infertile one, but me just being me keeps blaming myself. I just want to be able to provide my wife and I with a child. As I think even further back to when we first started going to the doctor and friends would ask if I wanted to hold their babies I would always back away or pass the child off to someone else. It hasn't always been this way, I have 15+ nieces and nephews (4 other brothers and a sister) and was always affectionate with them. This infertility thing has just really gotten to me. I don't want to feel this way and have my newest nephew grow up with a distant uncle. It really hurts.

My wife and sister-in-law had a conversation yesterday regarding my inability to be affectionate. My wife and I then a conversation about it that without getting in to details, did not end well. Since then my wife has not spoken to me (about 24 hours).

Without given up too much more of my life... Am I allowed to have these feelings or am I being selfish and just need to suck it up.

[jencat215]

Jeff! You are absolutely entited to have whatever feelings you are having. And you are not alone. Lots of us feel the same way. Infertility is very hard to deal with, especially when friends and family are so easily getting pregnant around us.

But you did mention something important. You don't want your nephew to grow up with a distant uncle. Think about the shoe on the other foot. How would you feel if you just had a baby, and your brother couldn't? Would you want him to be a part of your child's life? It is easier to pass on holding your friends' kids, but not your nephew. Think of it as practice for holding your own baby

I hope that your IVF is a successful one. Realize that what you are going through, many of us here are going through it too. And we are always here when you need to vent. Also, since guys are generally the ones who keep stuff inside (not all of them though), maybe you should share your feelings (more often?) with your wife. I wish my husband shared more with me. Communication is the key for any relationship, and even more so in times that are hard to deal with (like IF).

Best of luck to you


oh, btw, I just noticed you are in Denver...I am in Boulder

[jmastera]

Thank you for the reply. I had not thought about it yet if the roles were reversed. I guess I would be pretty upset if I were in his shoes. Why is it easier at times to talk to complete strangers than people you know?

My wife and I normally always have great communication. Infertility has brought our feelings to new\unexpected levels that are just so hard to understand. This is the first time ever that I can think of when we went to bed without talking\being upset with each other.

Again, thank you. And good luck with your future IVF. I noticed that you have MTHFR, my wife too has it and takes Folgard.

[evita]

Welcome Jeff!! What you are feeling is absolutely normal. Though i can't comment for my DH but i have also noticed him not wanting to hold a child while we were trying to concieve. Even i was so disappointed at one point that i would turn away when i noticed a baby. I understand it is different when the kid is in the family but the emotion is very human.

I want to wish you and you DW all the very best!!! I am sure you will definitely be parents soon.

[sarah16]

Just wanted to say welcome and good luck with your IF journey.

[babygood1]

Go kiss your wife and hug her...email her what you wrote to us...life is too short and communication is key... when you are both yelling it won't help the issue and will make it harder to get her pregnant. You don't want to stress her out. Hanging out with babies may increase your ability to be happy..kids are amazing..before I had my first I always hung out with my nephew...he made me smile when I was having a bad day and made me so happy..I have learned so much from him and now I use all this information to help me with my toddler. Creating good energy is the start to a healthy life and to those around you...good luck!

[jencat215]

Originally Posted by jmastera

Thank you for the reply. I had not thought about it yet if the roles were reversed. I guess I would be pretty upset if I were in his shoes. Why is it easier at times to talk to complete strangers than people you know?

My wife and I normally always have great communication. Infertility has brought our feelings to new\unexpected levels that are just so hard to understand. This is the first time ever that I can think of when we went to bed without talking\being upset with each other.

Again, thank you. And good luck with your future IVF. I noticed that you have MTHFR, my wife too has it and takes Folgard.

I take folgard too, and baby aspirin.
Yes, it is sometimes easier to talk to strangers than your own family. And go hold that new nephew of yours...you can learn all the akward things (practice baby!...just kidding ) so you will be a pro when you have yours. I am jealous...I am a only child and DH only has one brother who is determined to be a bachelor for life! I wish I had a niece or nephew to love and spoil.

And for your wife, sometimes you have to put all the IF stuff on the back burner, and just go out and celebrate the 2 of you. Tell her you love her and do NOT let infertility define you. It doesn't matter what the issues are (she has old eggs, you have no sperm, for example), infertility is something you both are fighting...and you WILL win this fight.

Off the topic, are you from this area? Do you know of any good restaurants in the Cherry Creek area? What do you do?

[AzooDude]

Originally Posted by jencat215

And for your wife, sometimes you have to put all the IF stuff on the back burner, and just go out and celebrate the 2 of you. Tell her you love her and do NOT let infertility define you. It doesn't matter what the issues are (she has old eggs, you have no sperm, for example), infertility is something you both are fighting...and you WILL win this fight.

I think jencat really hit that on the head. Dealing with infertility can become sort of all-consuming, especially when you're in the middle of cycles trying to get pregnant, but don't forget that pregnant or not, you got married because you love each other. The fertility stuff can be a strain, or it can bring you even closer together - it's what you make of it. If you can make it an intimate, shared thing, that will be good for your marriage regardless of whether you manage to conceive.

Having mixed feelings about other kids or babies, even ones you love, is common and normal. My best friend and his wife have two beautiful kids, a daughter who's a little over 2 yrs., and a son close to 1 yr. old. I love them to death, and enjoy playing with them, but there's a little part of me whenever I'm with them that's sort of jealous and wishing they were mine. Not jealous in a my-friends-don't-deserve-them kind of way, just sad that I can't have my own. I have thoughts like if we're never able to have our own, will my buddy let me do things like play catch with his son or take him to a ball game, or would that be encroaching on his "dad" territory. I'm a proud uncle to 5 nieces and 1 nephew, and practically an uncle to my friends' kids, but it pains me that I have this fathering desire and instinct that I may never get to express any closer than second-hand. That's upsetting whatever the cause of the infertility, but I know for sure in my case that there's a male fertility issue, and that makes me feel not just child-less, but broken. You won't see a lot of men posting here, so just the fact that we do already qualifies us as at least more sensitive than the average guy, but when I face this stuff, I admit that I don't necessarily *want* to be in touch with my emotions all the time, because it doesn't feel manly to acknowledge feelings of sadness, jealousy, or inadequacy. All of it's "allowed", though, and you're not the only one - or the only man - to struggle with this.

I wish you well in your journey.