[iguana265]

I'm 36, husband 33, we have one son who is 2. It took us 2.5 years to conceive him. We finally succeeded with progesterone suppositories. Now after trying for more than a year with progesterone, 4 months Clomid, 3 months Femara and 2 IUIs we're still nowhere.

I'd always envisioned having a sibling 2 years younger than my son. We're now approaching a 3 year separation. One of the main reasons I want a second child is to give my son a sibling. So I'm wondering at what point their ages become so far apart, they won't even be able to play together and won't likely be close. I'm wondering how long it's worth continuing to try. But I always have thought a family of 1 child is so lonely. Anyone have experience being an only child? Any thoughts.

My other issue is adoption. I originally thought I'd consider it even if I had no issues for #2, but now I think I shouldn't consider it because I'm afraid I won't love the second like my own natural child. I mean, why do I love my son? Because he's mine, because he's got a great personality, because he's adorable, because I've been around him so much? Probably somewhat all 4. What if I adopt a child and two or three of those things are removed? Will I automatically fall in love with a child simply because someone gives it to me? I don't love other people's children. I'm really not interested in them at all. I'm just struggling with all these issues now, so any insights would be appreciated.

Lindsey

[demi]

Hi Lindsey,
I have gone through those same emotions and guestions myself. However, many would argue that it is better when you have a wider age-gab between your children. There are many benefits in having a bigger gap between your kids. For one your firstborn's needs will have changed and the love and caring he/she will need, will be different from the subsequent childs needs. In that way you can fully give each child what they need 100 % and without the other one being deprived and without dividing your ownself too thin. The older child will benefit from the experience of being that bit older and being able to help and teach the other one stuff that he/she has already learned. And the younger one/s will have someone to look up to and talk to.
(And ofcourse play with! -I'm sure you at times have fun with your kid and that's about 30 year long gap!)
Children don't question these things, they just respond to love and want to love back. You also name reasons why you love your child... do you really think that your child's position of being the object of your affection relies purely on the fact he/she has a great personality(&etc...)? And if it does then is that true love or true narcisism?
The truth is that to be a parent has Nothing to do with being able to concieve! Sure, adopting is a different experience from physically carrying a baby inside of you for nine months, but that's all. Being a parent and a family is about being there 24/7, it is about sharing the struggle and the fun and growing together. That is what brings you so close with your child as well and is what has allowed you to get to know his/her personality. That is precisely what would happen with an adopted child as well.
Love is a verb not a noun. And love and happiness come to us in many configurations. demi

Demi, what beautiful thoughts!

Lindsey, I could have written parts of your post. My son is 9 and my husband and I have been struggling with secondary infertility for several years. We are currently pursuing an adoption of a child from China. I think it's a very personal journey to get to this point, so I'm not necessarily trying to "sell" you on adoption--it's taken my husband several years to get here.

I did, however, want to comment on the age difference--there really are some benefits of having a little bit of time in between children--don't let a span in years scare you away from becoming a mom again if you really want more children (bio or adopted).

My son, at 9, is thrilled and ready to be an older sibling. I've been able to devote so much time to him as an only child up to this point, and he is very confident. Now that he's more self-sufficient and interested in doing things with friends, I don't feel so guilty that he might have to share me with a sibling, as his needs and his sister's needs will vary.

I am also 5 years older than my sister and completely adored having a younger sibling.

I wish you the best in your journey! I know there is nothing easy about secondary infertility. When I had to have my doctor fill out a medical form for my adoption home study, she checked "yes" in the box that asked, "Is the patient infertile?" After 7 years of ttc unsuccessfully, you would think I'd have understood that I *was* infertile, but it sent me into a bout of tears. I guess I hadn't grieved until I saw it in writing.

By the way, several of us on the China Forum have also had the "I'm scared of not bonding/loving this child" discussion. It is natural. I think I might be that way even if I were pregnant, as I love my son with everything in me! You are welcome to visit that forum any time and observe some feelings and fears if you think adoption might be something that you'd consider.

Best to you,
Christina