[inspiration]

This is sorta a long story but i will try to sum it up. I am 32 yrs old and i have a 9 year old son and a baby that died at birth in 2004. I have been trying to get pregnant again since Jan 2005.
I was 22 when i first got pregnant. Wasnt trying and just some how we had a little slip up and got pregnant. He must of been meant to be. I was scared but happy.
I wanted more children but my husband wanted to wait. When my son turned 5 years old I talked my husband in to having another child. We started in November but i didnt get pregnant. By the 4th month i thought something was wrong with me. I begged my dr for clomid and he gave me a low dose and i got pregnant with my second son. I was so happy. I was going to have 2 boys and they were going to be 6 years a part. A little farther a part than i wanted them but not bad. By the time i was 4 months pregnant i started loosing weight, something didnt feel right. By 6 months i started bleeding, i went to the dr and they told me i have placenta previa but they wanted to send me to get a 3D ultrasound because they couldnt see on the ultrasound well because my placenta was in the way.
So I went to get the ultrasound and they told me that had no fluid. They found out that my baby did not develop kidneys and thats why i had no fluid. They said after 3 months that the baby's urine makes the fluid. They told me he was going to die at birth because his lungs werent going to develop with no fluid. I had to go on strict bed rest or i was going to bleed to death because of my placenta previa and no fluid made the baby push on it more. I couldnt believe what i had heard. I came home and cried for days. I had to lay in bed. I kept bleeding and passing clumps. My dr told me he needed to go ahead and throw me into labor because my baby was not going to survive and he was scared i could bleed to death. I shouldnt of trusted the dr but i did.
So i ended up at the hospital where they threw me into labor, i was in labor for 24 hours and then my placenta abrupted and i almost bleed to death. I was rushed in for an emergency c-section where th ahole dr cut me up and down instead of side to side. He told me that was not going to happen and it did. He told me that he saved me from having to have a hesterectomy. Dont know how to spell it.
My beautiful baby looked so perfect. U could tell he was early. I was around 27 weeks. U couldnt tell anything was wrong with him. We had a little funeral for him. I went through really bad depression after that.
I started trying to get pregnant again hoping that another baby would help me get through. I couldnt get pregnant. So my dr (different dr - never went back to the quack) put me on clomid. I took 4 cycles and still no pregnancy. So my husband got checked and we found out he was in the grayzone as far as sperm count. They sent him to a uroiligist and we found out my husband had 1 vasdifferin - tube that carries sperm out. The dr said he probably had 1 kidney. So we had him checked and he had 1 kidney. I cried and cried because i then knew that what they told me was a fluke was genetic. Its called Potters syndrome. They told me we have a 20 to 25% chance that our next baby will have some kind of kidney problems. Could be 1 kidney or no kidneys or 1 small kidney and 1 large. We had my 9 yr old checked and he has both kidneys.
It took me a while but after around 6 months i got brave to start trying again. This was around Feb 2006. My husband had his sperm checked again in Dec 2005 and he had high sperm count so we werent worried about that. In July 2006 I was pregnant on my own and within days i miscarried. So i started trying again but no luck. My dr put me on clomid again in 2007 for 3 months and no luck. In Jan 2008 i had a laproscopy done and found out i have between a 2 and 3 endometriosis. My tubes were fine it was on my uterus. So he cleaned me up. I started trying again and have tried for 4 months. 2 months i was on clomid.
I started my period today and I am so mad. I have cried all day. I dont understand I am MAD!!! Why come God takes my baby but he wont even help me by giving me another baby. Why? Why does he continue to give all these people that hurt their kids or drug users babies but he cant even give me another baby to fill my empty arms. Ok so i know he needed my baby for some reason but why cant he help me deal with the pain and make it easier by blessing me with another baby. Im not asking for 3 or 4 kids. All i want is another healthy baby to give my son a sibling. I know that they would be 10 years apart but they would be closer when they got older. WHY??? I just want God to answer me why.
i am very thankful for the son i do have with me. My sister has endo and couldnt have any but she has adopted 2. So i am thankful for my son but it hurts so bad that my baby died and i cant get pregnant again for some reason.

[868dee]

oh i'm so sorry for your losses , and for what you have been through, i too am ttc # 2 but i havet been through what you have.
all i can say is god got a plan for us all and tho it might not seem like it at the moment he has a plan for us all. hope this can be of a little comfort to you
take care
de x x x
ill keep my for u

[bq122]

Inspiration - I cried so much reading your story it really hit home, sort of similiar and different at the same time. Loss of a baby. I know how you feel (as far as loss, I had a healthy 2 1/2yr old son the king of my house surrounded in a house full of three dd's and myself and of course dh, But he was our world, we lived our life around Joey. He was the sweetest little boy, never even got a chance to experience the terrible twos. Then one night God came in the middle of the night and took him from all of us. I wasnt home I was at work ( a flight attendant stuck in Canada ) my 21yr old dd and her 22yr old bf and my 13yr old dd were home. My 7yr old dd was at a sleep over. They were going to watch a movie at 10 PM when my dd said let me check on Joey before we watch the movie when she went in he was gone. The scene from what I was told was horrific. Between my dd bf doing cpr, cops, fireman and ambulances. My dh is a lieutenant on the NYC Fire Dept. he was told by dd screaming/crying on the phone to him. The fire dept drove my dh home. The biggest problem was trying to get in touch with me I was out of the country and they finally got me at midnight. I had to wait in another country from midnight until 6 am to see my son laying in a hospital bed looking absolutely beautiful, perfectly still. Like if he was just sleeping. He loved all emergency vehicles, cars, trucks etc.
Me, being a retired NYC police officer and my dh a NYC fireman they gave him a Inspected funerals basically the works it was a funeral he would have loved it with all the police cars, fire trucks and cars.
My dd's never wanted to come home. ( thats even a longer story) My older dd moved out and is an emotional wreck, suffers post tramatic stress syndrome who had to be medicated. They all have problems. I had to deal with my emotions and my dd's emotions the hurt they are enduring. Then after months of pain, dh asked me if we want to try and have another baby ( we went to a sids support group, they kind of recommend having another baby, never to take joeys place, just to give love to another baby) To our surprise I am now DOR and only have a 2% chance of ever conceiving on my own. So I am currently on my first IVF w/ ICSI w/AH and 3 failed IUI's. The hardiest part of not being able to get preg. is not everyone asking me Am I preg yet? or When is it going to happen? But to look at my 3 dd's eyes when they ask me When are you going to have a baby mom we really want a baby in our house?...Thats hurts so much. I want to give them the only thing they really want in life.
And I have often wondered why myself, as to why God does what he does. I just have to believe in my faith and when I am having the worst day (which is often ) I often think of all the good things in my life that I have to be greatful for. It helps somewhat. Then I try and do something after to get my mind off of not being able to get pregnant and missing my son.
I am so greatful that God gave me my dd's, my dh is my absolute hero and of course my wonderful family and friends.
But, I am also thankful that for whatever reason God needed my son he let him go peaceful in the night. He never had to endure any pain. I will continue to believe that God has a plan for me and when he is ready will some day Bless US ALL with a baby again.
So Please believe it will happpen for all of us..Just keep believing and praying.

God Bless.......
PS...sorry so long. I just wanted you to know thru all the hurt we experience in life there are people who care and willing to listen. I am always here if you want to talk further. You can PM me.

[inspiration]

Thank u both for your kind words and reading my long story.

Barbara, that is such a sad story. I cried when I read it. I know you miss him so much. I cant even imagine. Im so sorry you have struggled too. My son says his prayers every night and he prays to God to please give him a brother or sister. It breaks my heart. I dont understand God. He says he wont give us anything we cant handle. Well i feel like i cant handle this anymore.
What is DOR? Sorry to sound stupid.
I would love to chat more with you.

[bq122]

Originally Posted by inspiration

Thank u both for your kind words and reading my long story.

Barbara, that is such a sad story. I cried when I read it. I know you miss him so much. I cant even imagine. Im so sorry you have struggled too. My son says his prayers every night and he prays to God to please give him a brother or sister. It breaks my heart. I dont understand God. He says he wont give us anything we cant handle. Well i feel like i cant handle this anymore.
What is DOR? Sorry to sound stupid.
I would love to chat more with you.

I will always be here for you. Believe me I am glued to this thread. I love the support that I get here especially nobody else who is not dealing with this can possibly understand.
I know to hear your son speak has and ask for something that should be so easy is totally out of our hands.
I tell that to my dd all the time God only gives us only what we can handle. She tells me the same thing I cant handle anymore mommy. But as hard as it is, you are doing a great job. We are learning something from all of this. I am not sure exactly what. But I have to believe that it will all work out in the long run.
It is hard, I know it, believe me. We have to keep our faith. Try real hard when times are the worst to thing of something good. At first just start with the obvious or something small and keep doing it after a while you will see you are truly blessed with so much and God will continue to bless you. He would not make us suffer after praying so hard for a baby.

PS...DOR - Dimish ovarian reserve, low egg supply basically I am down to the bottom of the barrel.

[MarisaD]

Barbara - Your story breaks my heart. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I can only imagine what you and your family have been through. You have an amazing propective and are a very strong person. God bless you and your family.

[bq122]

Originally Posted by MarisaD

Barbara - Your story breaks my heart. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I can only imagine what you and your family have been through. You have an amazing propective and are a very strong person. God bless you and your family.

Thank Marisa I take it one day at a time. I do believe God and my son are with me everyday because without the two of them I would never make it each day.
I thank them every night for giving me the strength to get thru another day and every morning I ask them for the strength to get thru another day.
It will be two yrs in Aug. so they are both def. with me.

[inspiration]

Thanks so much for your kind words. I want to appologise for being so mad. I had to get myself together today and pray because I am thankful for my 9 year old. I couldnt ask for a better child. I guess i sounded so ungrateful in my post. I didnt mean to. I am blessed in many ways. I think the devil was just trying to bring the worse out of me yesterday. Thank you for being here to chat with.
I really dont know how u have dealt with loosing a child at 2 yrs old. Im about to go crazy over loosing a baby at birth. I just cant imagine. My dad's baby sister died at age 6 of cancer. She was the baby out of 6 kids. My dad was the oldest and still to this day he will not watch any movies or anything dealing with cancer. He was around 22 yrs old when she died, he was sitting right beside her when she went home to God. A year later his dad died at age 46 of a heart attack. They said they he just couldnt ever deal with the pain of loosing his baby girl. My grandma is now 80 yrs old and she is one tough lady because i dont know how i could of dealt with all that.
Around 2 weeks after my baby died we gave my son a birthday party he was 6 years old, that same day, a babysitter was taking 2 little girls home and ended up flipping the car in the river and the 6yr old and 8 yr old drowned. They were first cousins.
So many bad things happen and we just dont know why. Sometimes i break down like i did yesterday and it takes me a day to get it together and talk to God. Then i start to feel better.
Just sitting here thinking of what you went though is making me cry again. I try to think that one day we will see our babies again in Heaven.
God Bless You.

[bq122]

Originally Posted by inspiration

Thanks so much for your kind words. I want to appologise for being so mad. I had to get myself together today and pray because I am thankful for my 9 year old. I couldnt ask for a better child. I guess i sounded so ungrateful in my post. I didnt mean to. I am blessed in many ways. I think the devil was just trying to bring the worse out of me yesterday. Thank you for being here to chat with.
I really dont know how u have dealt with loosing a child at 2 yrs old. Im about to go crazy over loosing a baby at birth. I just cant imagine. My dad's baby sister died at age 6 of cancer. She was the baby out of 6 kids. My dad was the oldest and still to this day he will not watch any movies or anything dealing with cancer. He was around 22 yrs old when she died, he was sitting right beside her when she went home to God. A year later his dad died at age 46 of a heart attack. They said they he just couldnt ever deal with the pain of loosing his baby girl. My grandma is now 80 yrs old and she is one tough lady because i dont know how i could of dealt with all that.
Around 2 weeks after my baby died we gave my son a birthday party he was 6 years old, that same day, a babysitter was taking 2 little girls home and ended up flipping the car in the river and the 6yr old and 8 yr old drowned. They were first cousins.
So many bad things happen and we just dont know why. Sometimes i break down like i did yesterday and it takes me a day to get it together and talk to God. Then i start to feel better.
Just sitting here thinking of what you went though is making me cry again. I try to think that one day we will see our babies again in Heaven.
God Bless You.

Inspiration - We are all intitled for melt down believe me I have one every day. But then I start to think of how upset I am making my son by being so upset and I would never want him to see me like that so then I stop.
I thought after 9/11 I would never experience such horrific thing in my life. But I have learned a lot.
My son passing has changed me a lot. I am so trying to be a better person and raise my kids to be good people as well.
My relationship with everyone has changed I have gotten closer to my dh, dds and even family but I have lost friends a long the way. ( they cant take me talking about my son )
So if you ever need to have a melt down and/or vent.
I am hear from you.
I dont know why God does what he does. I just pray that he answers my prayers, all of our prayers and give us all the babies we so desperately want.
God bless.....

[Emilysmom]

May all our prayers be answered.

Barbara--I am praying your IVF cycle is successfull and that you are blessed again with a son or two. I grew up with girls and that was the only thing I knew. My son is seven and the light of my life. We've had deaths of small children in our family but not my own. My sister in law is very strong like you. I am so proud that you go on and carry a positive legacy for your girls. God will bless your family again. Sometimes my frustration is God's time line.

[bq122]

Originally Posted by Emilysmom

May all our prayers be answered.

Barbara--I am praying your IVF cycle is successfull and that you are blessed again with a son or two. I grew up with girls and that was the only thing I knew. My son is seven and the light of my life. We've had deaths of small children in our family but not my own. My sister in law is very strong like you. I am so proud that you go on and carry a positive legacy for your girls. God will bless your family again. Sometimes my frustration is God's time line.

Your absolutely right. I do a lot of thinking now. I remember watching several tv shows/movies and it was couples who were experiencing hard times. They had children there world revolved around there kids and sometime the couples grow apart or once there children left them they were lost.
I thought to myself, my dh and I always spoke about were our kids when it was only him and I together. 90% of the time my son was with us. So we just basically always entertained him so that kept us busy. Well when he passed and our dd's were busy with there schedules, dh and I were left we each other.
One night at dinner in a nice restaurant we just sat there. It was then I realized OMG..we are one of those couples. It will be two yrs in Aug. and we are no longer that couple that has nothing to say anymore. So even though we had a good relationship before we have even a stronger and better relationship now.

I am not one of those wives that have to be with there dh's 24/7 especially since I am a flight att. and he is a fireman but we make time together. Real quality time together.

My knew experiences are now....

1) the love for my dh is greater than ever
2) the compassionate i have for people
3) life is short make the best of it, have no regrets
4) I know longer fear death which I was extremely afraid of.

I know my son is still with me just in a different way.
God Bless

[angtx]

I found this forum completely by accident. I am the mother of an absolutely wonderful 3 1/2 yo son and have been trying for 2 years for a second. Getting pregnant with my son was easy and without complications. When he was 1 1/2 yo, we got pregnant again but I miscarried at 9 weeks. The following month I again got pregnant but lost our baby girl at 15 weeks due to fetal hydrops caused by T21. Since we have been trying to get pregnant with the aid of Clomid and injections and have had 6 failed IUI's. We have opted not to do IVF and have stopped treatment. And I too am MAD!!! It doesn't seem fair, especially since I live in Houston and (not even exagerrating this) every time I got my BFN, there was a story on the local news about a mother or father killing their child. How unjust is that!

I look forward to reading more of the posts on this site in hopes of helping me come to terms with why I have failed to have another child.