[have_hubbie_want_kid]

I don't know if anyone even reads this board, but if they do here goes. I just happened to be looking around and found this forum. It describes my husband and I perfectly. I, however, am the step-parent without children. He has kids from a previous marriage and a vasectomy. He and I now want kids together, but that's easier said than done. As everyone here knows help is not cheap, therefore, we have been forced to try off and on the past 4 years. For the past 8 months we have been trying AI continuously. No one I know has any problems with infertility, and I don't feel like even my husband can understand 100%. He is part of this unsuccessfullness, also, but he still has kids. For me to parent those children, who are absolutely wonderful, is probably the hardest thing in the world. There's another women out there who was allowed to have a child with my husband, but not me. Am I wrong to feel angered/cheated by that?? I found this discussion board tonight. Hopefully it will be a place I can find support. It would be so nice just to have someone who understands how hard it is to be surrounded by kids, and yet be denied the right to have one.

[einstein]

I commend you for being a loving, considerate stepmother even though, like you said, it's killing you inside. I think you must be a pretty strong woman to do this day in and day out. Probably your DH can't possibly understand how difficult this is for you.

I'm sending you a big hug. You need one.

[have_hubbie_want_kid]

Thanks for the hug!! I need it right now!!

[alleykag]

Hi there,
I just spotted your email. I am in your same position and understand totally how you feel. My husband has a child from his first marriage and I have no children. We have done multiple IUI's and have one failed ivf attempt under our belt. It is very difficult to have a step child to begin with much less have your fertility issues. My husband tries to be supportive but honestly, I don't think he "gets it." It's been a long road,and very hard on our marriage. You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.

Just wanted to let you know you are not by yourself.
k

[kitkat7782]

I Just Wanted To Say--my Heart Breaks For You Guys That Have Step Children But None Of Your Own. I Can Maybe Give You A Little Perspective Of The Other Side.....

I Have 2 Beautiful Children From My First Marriage. The Marriage Lasted 7 Years--my Ex Left During My Second Pregnancy. I Met My Current Husband When The Baby Was 5 Months Old. He Has Been A Huge Part Of Her Life--but My Ex Is Still Very Active--so He Can Never Adopt Them. He Asked Me Very Bluntly When We Began Dating If I Would Be Willing To Have Another Child. Of Course, I Agreed!!! I Totally Understood His Desire For Having A Child Of His Own--and Assured Him He Would Be A A Father. We Started Trying Immediately After We Got Married. After 2 Years Of Marriage, We Have Had An Early Miscarriage And An Ectopic/bilateral Tubal Removal. This Has Rendered Me Infertile. It Is Sooooo Heartbreaking For Me To Have To Think About What My Husband Has Given Up In His Life By Ending Up With Me.....he Loves Me And I Know That's The Most Important Thing In His Eyes, But I Find It So Unfair That He Hasnt Been Able To Experience The Miracle That I Have. So Many People Ask Me Why I Am Doing In Vitro When I Have Two Healthy Children--they Dont Understand My Need To Give My Husband This Amazing Gift. I Can Handle Needles, The Surgeries--everything Except Being Unable To Give Him A Child He So Deserves And Desires....

Sorry This Post Is Long....i Feel Better Just Sharing My Frustration. I Cant Really Talk About This Aspect With Dh Because He Doesnt Want Me To Feel Bad And Knows It Is Not My Fault.....wishing For All Your Dreams To Come True!!!
Kat

[tina]

Hi, I too am a step mom of 4 years to two wonderful boys. They really are great kids and I enjoy their company. For years it has been challenging not to burst into tears at parties. I would see children everywhere and I could not connect with other women. It was tough, still is. But I step back from the situation and see that I am grateful to have my husbands children around rather than none at all. We are still trying and hoping and praying. I just had my 39th birthday and am waiting and waiting to see if we are pregnant by the end of this week. Last month I made myself crazy with 4 pregnancy tests. We are doing IUI. I had 4 follicles, 62 million swimmers and no baby - I was so sure I was pregnant with so many strange things happening to my body- just convinced myself and trying to keep everything positive. This month I had one follicle and 60+ million swimmers. We shall see

[The "Project!"]

Hi there to Have Hubby Want Kid...I'm with you! I'm recently married and have a 9 yo stepson. My hubby and I have been trying for one year, have done one IUI and one IVF cycle, unsuccessful so far. Seems the problem rests with him (no vasectomy or anything) but the ICSI process was great to fertilize tons of eggs. But in between cycles I'm often angry that he's a parent already and that he can't possibly understand what's it's like to really have to work at becoming one! Also, he wasn't married to my stepson's mo. and his son wasn't planned and he was lied to. So double the fact that he and I have a great marriage, lots of love, and still can't conceive. We're trying to remain hopeful, but everytime I see my stepson it's like getting a slap in the face. So anyhow, I've never written on here before, or any other kind of chat situation, but perhaps someone out there might share this situation??

[Lisa]

I can relate to being a stepmom to 2 kids from my hubby's previous marriage. We have been TTC for almost 2 years and I sometimes feel resentful like why did he give the good sperm to his first wife? I know that is silly thinking but it goes through my head.

I feel like my life is a stepmom but it really is being a MOM that I truly want. I would love to chat/email with any of you in the same boat. Please message me!

[jmyocum05]

I know what you guys are going thru with that! My DH has a 4 1/2 year old son who I love with all my heart. But now I too feel resentful to some degree because he was able to get his son's mother pregnant and they were just "messing around". It sucks it really does.

[SadStepMomTTC]

Hello

I'm new here but did read this whole section on stepfamilies and infirtility. I too am having a lot of trouble with my husband really showing sympathy for why this is so hard for me. He has a 12 year old daughter, that I mainly raise and faught with him for custody of for over a YEAR now thus cuasing me to quit my career and put us in a strenuous financial position so that affording treatment to have our own child is impossible at this time.

I have to fight the resentment I feel for my SD sometimes, and the jealousy of ** for having a child with him.

I frequently have dreams/nightmares about my baby. When I wake it's like he's being stolen. I woke up crying and told my husband this this morning. He was, for the first time, very very caring and sympathetic telling me he didn't understand before. He held me and said something that has haunted my whole day "our child".

The constant feeling of stress and failure isn't as prevalent for him- he went back to his telling me to chill out later tonight- it was nice to have him sympathise a wee bit for a while.

After reading everyones responses it doesn't seem wrong to feel this way at all. So thanks.

[nedege24]

Just wanted to join you ladies, my DH has two sons from his pass and they live with us, but i must say that even though we have this IF issue i cant help but love them both to the fullest and love to see him playing with then and look forward to the day when he will play with our child. Good luck to all you ladies

[babycowlover]

I KNOW, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!! I married my husband in 95 and he had a 3 yr. old daughter I absolutely fell in love with from his first marriage. He has not had a vasectomy but I have been unfable to get pregnant. Now it is 12 years later, the 3 year old is turning 17 and we have no children of our own still. I jsut finished a round of Ivf, which was stopped short due to a few reasons but mainly the follicles were not good enough, too small or too big. That was my first time/cycle. I have been quite down lately. I know how you feel. all these years i wanted kids and never used anything not to conceive. his x-wife remarried around the time we did and when they had a child she got her chance to rub it in or so it felt to me. I love my stepdaughter but did not raise her. i still miss the days when she was small. i want that back and i want it to me mine this time. Please write back, but as you can see, i do know how you feel. it never really bothered me before but it is starting to bother me to see people with their families and i am out alone, shopping, feels lonely!! thank god for my dog! Gotta go for now.

[jody31]

It is the other way around for my husband and I. I have two children from my first marriage and my husband has no children of his own. Because my husband is a diabetic he developed a condition called, retrograde ejaculation. I would give just about anything to have a baby with my husband. He told me the other night that he feels like half a man, because he cannot make a baby on his own. My heart breaks for him. And even though I already have two children of my own - it doesn't diminish my desire for a third child with him. I want this baby more than I’ve wanted anything and after 9mths of trying and one failed IUI, I can honestly say that this is the most emotionally draining experience of my life. We are preparing for our 2nd IUI later this month and I am praying with everything I got that this is the one that will give us that !!

[hope26]

I am a step-mom as well. I was 19 when I met my husband. After our first date he decided to tell me about the little 1yr old son he had at home. I was devastated. I wasnt' sure that I wanted to be in a relationship with somebody who had a baby. A BABY...I was 19 my Junior year of College. I just moved out of my parents house. I wanted to be free and party. I made sure my weekend to work was on the weekend he had his son so it wouldn't interfere with our lives or relationship. But I fell in love with my dh and his beautiful little blonde haired boy instantly! I switched what weekends I worked immediately to be with them. I become a mom over night. It was amazing and easy. No long miserable pregnancy, no labor pains, no baby weight to lose, just sweet pure baby! I am the luckiest woman in the world. I am now 26 and my son (step but we don't say that in this hous) is 8...I can't believe it. He has two mom and dad's and is the most content and versatile little boy in the world, he doesn't know life to be any different and neither do I.

It was just this morning when he said "Mom, I just can't wait for a new little brother or little sister." I replied, "Me too! We just have to pray that God decides that it is time for our familiy to have a new little baby. I pray for it everynight and so does your dad. If you want you can too!" He said, "I already have been!"

He has known we want/talk a baby for about two years now, but he doesn't know anything about the struggle or the IF issues.

I've never thought of my son as a constant reminder of what I haven't been able to have yet. But I have thought about how my husband might be feeling right now. If he thinks that there is something wrong with me. Why can't my body create a baby with him. I fell some kind of jealousy towards my son's mother because she did get to experience this moment in her life with my dh and their son. An experience that I have yet to know what it feels like.

I hope someday that my family now, including my son can all share a special day like that together that will make our family bigger, more special and stronger than ever! Good luck to all that cross this journey and may God Bless you and your families.

[Elcie]

I have been with my Husband now since his daughter was born (long story) she is 21 months now and wonderful! We have her with us 3 days a week and I love every minute of it. I truly cherish her! But since we have been going through our infertility and now surgery to prepare for IVF, I get sad when she is around because I am now nervous that I won't be able to have my own child with DH. I know I need to be optimistic and try to stay positive, but I feel so sad all the time :-((