[Smee]

Reddee,

I am so sorry for your loss. My sister lost her son at 34 weeks, and it was devastating for our whole family. Even now I can feel the pain though it was not me..I cannot even imagine what you must be going through. I pray that you have happier times to come and that Halle as an angel will always be with you and your DH. Send your way.

[reddee24]

Thank you so much. I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. Its heart wrenching to say the least. Its only been two months and I feel like people expect me to be better than I am, so that is hard too. I can only hope that Halle is happy where she is and knows how much her Mommy and Daddy miss and love her. She is our sweet angel. I hope she looks over us and helps to bring us more joy in 2009. I need something to give or else I will go off the deep end very soon. I just don't want to turn people off, but this isn't going to be an easy year for my husband and I. I'm terrified to think of what will or won't be this year. And through all of this chaos, IE... more cycles, possibitlity of adoption, missing Halle so much it kills me inside, I must find a way to deal. I'll never be the same again that much I know for sure. I just hope I am a better version of myself instead of being bitter. How are you doing?

[tryingtobestrong]

I am so sorry for your loss, Halle will be with you forever, your private guardian angel .

I hope 2009 brings you love and joy.

[hopefulmama]

I also had the issue of not wanting to seem like a constant downer and also I would want to include William (in a happy positive way) in discussions about kids, pregnancies etc and I know it makes people upset so I feel/ felt caught. It's nice in a support group to feel like the others who are there understand both my sadness and my joy in William.

The unknown is tough. I'm that 2009 brings you wonderful things with your angel Halle watching over you.

[nmirwin011108]

Reddee24....

I am so truly sorry for what you and A have had to go through. No loss is easy, I know, but I can't even imagine how strong you must be to go through this.

I will that everything will work out for your future and I hope that you will be giving your little precious angel Halle a beautiful little brother or sister soon that she can help watch over and protect

Best of luck to you and A

[ndsm17]

Reddee, I am so very sorry, I cant imagine what you are going through. I dont know what else to say.
Natasha

[reddee24]

[FONT='Verdana', 'sans-serif']Thanks girls for thinking of me. Definitely keep us in your prayers. Well, we are working on getting our Halle more syblings. We will do whatever it takes![/font]
[FONT='Verdana', 'sans-serif']Having said that, we went to our Doc today for my saline sonogram and to go over our protocol for the upcoming cycle. My saline sonogram looked great, so no problems there. [/font]
[FONT='Verdana', 'sans-serif']A and I also had to get our blood taken so the lab can start probing for the PGD to screen for Fragile X. Once they have the probes ready, we can start my cycle! Well, as long as my endometrial biopsy and colcoscopy come back okay too.[/font]
[FONT='Verdana', 'sans-serif']As you already know from what I've posted the last three cycles I've been on Lupron and Gonal F (300 per day). My doc would ideally like to get 20 eggs, but she's pretty sure that won't be happening because of my poor response to producing eggs. [/font]
[FONT='Verdana', 'sans-serif']Now she is looking to get at least 8-10http://f655.mail.yahoo.com/ya/downlo...Inbox&inline=1 . She plans to up my dose of the gonal to 450 a day and antagonist. I just hope that this change in protocol really does make all the difference. I would be so relieved!!!
So that's it for now. I'll keep you all posted when I do get my results from the bad pap smear. Is anyone else starting another cycle within the next few weeks like me? I would really like to keep in touch with you all and get through it together. Also, if anyone else is a carrier of Fragile X, or knows anyone who is please feel free to share your stories with me. I would really appreciate it. Bye for now![/font]

[ara79]

i just wanted to say good luck to you on your upcoming cycle. i pray that you are blessed very very soon.

[reddee24]

Thanks so much for your good wishes! Please do say lots of prayers for us.

[ara79]

i definitely will, and please keep us posted. i will be checking in on you.

[reddee24]

Just wanted to let you know that my GYN called me tonight and all my tests came back okay! He wants to see me in three months to do another colcoscopy, but I'm cleared to do anothe cycle!!! Woo hoo!!!
I'm contacting my fertility doc tomorrow to see when I can start my IVF cycle!!!
Anyone else starting a cycle soon?

[ara79]

that is fantastic! can't wait to cheer you on to your bfp!

[reddee24]

Hey there,
Wow, I just read my first post. That was hard to read again. I just wanted to keep you all up to date. DH and I just started our IVF cycle last week! The Doc has me on 450 a day of Gonal F, so I'm definitely feeling the nausea and headaches. Its all worth it though. It just feels good to be actually doing something that feels hopeful again!
I still cry over, Halle mostly everyday. The three months have helped me not to feel like I want to crawl out of my skin from misery and despair anymore. I think what I've learned from this, is that time doesn't help you get over it. It helps you to learn to live with the pain. Some days are better than others, but I'm surviving little by little.
It helps that I feel closer to my DH again. Going through something like this challenges EVERYTHING in your life that. You could think you have everything figured out until something like this happens and your world crumbles to pieces, tiny ones. Its hard enough to understand myself and keep up with my day to day stuff, let alone keep up with my marriage and friendships for that matter.
Its obvious to me that I deal with things much differently than my husband does. Its not to say that one is right or wrong either, but sometimes lines get crossed and then comes misunderstandings. We have since learned to appreciate how the other copes with our loss and don't blow up at one another for it. I feel like we can really get back in touch again for the first time since losing Halle.
Yesterday, I took our dog, Loui outside to play fetch with a stick. It was actually really nice for a winter day, so I lied on my back and looked up at the sky. I thought about our daughter and told her that I loved her no matter what or how much time goes by. I asked her to look over us, especially in these next few weeks. I also told her that no matter when we have more kids or how, she will always have our hearts and gratitude for what she gave us in the short time we had her.
Its still hard for me to pray as I've lost most of my faith these last few months, but I'm hoping to get that back over time. I actually read this from another post and it hit me. I'm not big in reading the bible, but part of me felt like I was supposed to find this passage.

John 9:1-3
Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind
1As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
3"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.

I'm not sure how this figures into my life, but I thought that maybe Halle's death will teach others to better appreciate what they've been blessed with. Maybe its also for me to show them and myself that I can overcome this horrific tragedy and live a positive life in the end. I'm still trying to figure this all out, but I'm getting there little by little.
Just please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Please say lots of prayers for us, as I'm not quite there yet. I go back to the doctors on Tuesday, so I'll update you all then.
Thanks for all the support you've given me througout this most difficult time.
Sincerely,
Dawn

[hopin4baby]

Sending you lots of baby dust.

[HorseyLover]

Oh, Redee - I'm sending you hugs

There are no words to say at a time like this. When I had a m/c it was so devasting. Like you said, my DH and I were in this blissfull state - and then it came crashing down in an instant when the doctor said tat he could no longer hear a heartbeat. In my case - not many people knew that I was preg. So, it was most sad because I was - but nobody knew.

Hang in there...

RIP Halle