[reddee24]

Hello,
Today is 19 days to what was supposed to be my due date. On December 24th, my husband and I had planned to meet our baby daughter, Halle Jacqueline. To our profound devastation I delivered her at 34 weeks stillborn on November 14th at 3:09 a.m.
I had gone to the hospital alone at 2:30 in the morning (my husband was on a business trip). I hadn't felt her moving and was obviously nervous. I'll never forget the looks on the nurses' and doctors' faces when they tried to find her heartbeat. Kelly's eyes filled up with tears as she said I'm sorry, but there is no heartbeat. I felt as though someone took a knife straight to my heart and I completely lost it. Everyone on that floor must have heard my pleading cries for her to be wrong.
My life flashed right before my eyes. We had spent the last eight months doing everything in our power to keep her safe and nurture her. We spent eight months in extreme bliss, dreaming big things for her. We were so happy it felt as though we were walking on air. We even fell more in love with each other! Andy and I had so many hopes and dreams for our little girl. Now they'll never be realized. All we're left with are pictures and video of us so happy that we were glowing in every one. Its hard to look at now.
I should also tell you that it took 3 IVF cycles to conceive her due to a genetic disorder called Fragile X that I have. I am adopted, so I had no idea I had the premutation until we went to our fertility doctor. Its what affects me reproductively and could negatively affect any children I may have.
So now we have no Halle, our hearts and dreams are completely shattered and I have more IVF cycles to look forward to in my near future. I'm in so much pain over the loss of my daughter. I ache for her everyday now. Not one minute goes by that I don't think of her or the time we were pregnant with her. Its makes me sick to my stomach to think of how happy we were then, because now we are much lesser versions of who we used to be.
Andy and I were once so happy we felt as though we were floating on a cloud. Now we're so sad and devasted. There doesn't seem to be any relief in sight. I will always want, Halle to be here physically with me and nothing else will make this alright.
I've heard people say, "she served her purpose" and the old cliche, "everthing happens for a reason", but it just makes me feel worse. I know people don't know what to say, but I'd rather them not say anything at all.
She was the best baby! She was so energetic and happy in my belly. I knew once we got a chance to meet her she would be that exact same way. She would be easy going and out going, but most of all happy. She loved apples, oranges, and organic chocolate milk, which goes to show how much of a healthy eater should was too.
Three weeks has passed since we held our daughter in our arms. Since then, Andy has gone back to work, we got a puppy and I'm still at home. Just when I think that I can't cry anymore just out of shear exhaustion, my tears some how force their way out. I am so sad. I don't know when I'll ever feel close to myself again. Carrying Halle for 34 weeks was the most moving experiences of my life. It has changed me in so many ways. I owe our daughter so much more than she'll ever know. I don't know why she had to leave us.
I'll always love her and miss her. My heart will always break for her. My sweet angel, Halle.

[Littlebean]

I am so sorry for your loss!!! to you and your DH!!

[cathyh]

my heart aches for you and your DH I will pray for you and send a prayer up to Halle.

Cathy

[Ladybuglee]

i am so very, very sorry. how heartbreaking. you and dh are in my prayers.

[reddee24]

Thanks so much girls!

[reddee24]

I'll keep you all posted on our future IVF cycles. First we need to find out what actually happened to her. Hopefully we'll have answers within the next week. I'll let you know.

[Trouble]

My prayers are with you and yours...

[reddee24]

Thank you for posting. Its comforting....

[tulip23]

Don't know how to comfot you eaxcept give you lots of these . May God soon give you reasons to be happy again.

[reddee24]

Thanks. I hope he does too. My husband and I could use it. Tomorrow, we'll be going to Halle's grave to visit her. We gave her a beautiful funeral. She deserved nothing less than our very best. I tried uploading picture of us, but I can't for some reason. I think my files are too big. If I can figure it out I will.

[natalie1371]

i'm sorry for your loss and everything you feel is normal . i still miss my sons everyday and its been a year and a half .

[reddee24]

I figured losing, Halle is always going to cut deep. My husbands Grandmother delivered a baby girl stillborn at 42 weeks. She is 80 years old and told me she never got over losing her baby. Now I have 50 more years to look forward to feeling the exact same way.

[jerseyjandj]

im so sorry for your lost my prayers are with you and family

[jencat215]

oh no, I am so sorry for your loss. you and your family are in my prayers

[natalie1371]

I Do Think Of Them Every Day But Each Day It Does Get A Little Easier.