[shana]

Hi everyone. Hate to be joining your club but I HAVE to find SOMEONE who knows how I feel. After feeling so lucky to have conceived after just 1 IVF attempt we had been on cloud 9 for 32 weeks. The pregnancy started as twins and despite losing one at 9 weeks we have been so happy beyond belief that even 1 baby was given to us. We were really closing in on her arrival (except her gender was a surprise so we only learned it was a "her" when she was born, even though I "knew" it was a girl the whole time, intuition). Our world has centered around preparing for her since last January when we did IVF. I was due October 16th. I had my first of 2 baby showers on August 9th. My husband is from Chicago and I'm from Boise so there was to be a shower in each place. So the nursery was painted with only a few details left to get done. We got SO much stuff for her at the first shower. So the room is just piled with baby stuff. My husband has been building a beautiful crib for her and I really do mean beautiful. He is very creative and the crib was so exciting cause it was to be an heirloom. On Tuesday the 18th of August I had a checkup with my Dr. During the checkup he listened to her heartrate and pretended to count it as he always did. I always knew he wasn't really counting cause I am a nurse and have worked in a nursery and you can't talk and count a fetal heartrate at the same time. They are too dang fast. But that day as he "counted" and chatted I couldn't help but think it sounded just a little slower than normal. But he kept making small talk and is always just so friendly and a "no worries" kind of guy that I just didn't say what I was thinking, "the heartrate is a little slower than normal, what is it?" (Those very words are haunting me so bad it hurts cause I should have said them) I actually never trusted what he said the heartrate was because I have my own doppler so I always checked it before or after my appointments so I would have an exact heartrate for my belly book journal. (We actually caught him lying about the heartrate once. When I was 12 weeks along I had mild spotting and went in to make sure all was ok. He found a heart tone and said no to an ultrasound. Then was paged to a delivery. He said the heartrate is 140 and perfect. Then the nurse and ultrasound lady came in and said, "you've been through a lot to get pregnant, if you want an ultrasound, come and we'll do one real quick". So we did. The heartrate was 169 on ultrasound, not 140. And my husband called him on it later when he "caught" us doing the ultrasound. He said "ya but the baby is all active all the sudden, thats all. Next time please trust me when I tell you the baby is fine".) Ok, so back to the 18th of August, when I got home I listened to her heartrate for 10 minutes and it stayed between 147 and 153. Totally normal so I brushed it off. Then Tuesday I went and bought my travel system and was so excited. The rest of Tuesday and Wednesday she was not quite as active but I had just read in my pregnancy book that at this point they are getting "squished" in that little space so less movement is normal. I was still feeling her and even Wednesday night at about 11 she pushed her butt out and I had my husband feel, so cute. Then she pushed her feet out on the other side of my belly. I went to sleep with no worries. I woke up to pee at 7AM and just in that short maybe 3 minutes I was awake I had a strong urge to hear her heartbeat. I never do that, not till I'm up and on the couch, watching TV. I don't know why I wanted to hear it I just needed to. I had no concerns. I spent 10 minutes trying to find her heartbeat and couldn't. I knew she was gone or in a lot of trouble. I woke my husband who said to relax. My doppler was maybe not working right, when did I change the batteries last, blah, blah. But he called the Dr cause he could tell I was REALLY worried. The Dr said he was at the hospital so meet him there and he would reassure us the baby was ok. We got there and the nurse immediatly started looking for the heartbeat. Finally she found a heartbeat of 138. I started crying so hard cause I was so sure this was the end and so relieved there was a heartbeat. I knew it was low so was still concerned something was wrong. But I thought, "at least the baby is still alive. If something is wrong we can still save the baby." The nurse said, "see, there's the heartrate, unless yours is 138 beats per minute", and we all giggled for a second. Just as I was going to say that was still low for what it usually is, the nurse lost the heartbeat. She had me roll from side to side saying the baby is just laying funny. She couldn't find anything. I was so scared. It was me with a heartrate of 138, I was that nervous. Two ultrasounds confirmed our baby, we wanted for so long and finally were about to have, was dead. My husband and I cried so hard I'm sure the whole floor heard us. Total shock.
The Dr came in and said he felt horrible, this was so unexpected. Maybe a cord accident. He placed cervadil to induce me and sent me home with a sleeping pill and told us to come back at 7AM on the 21st. Well, my water broke at 1AM on the 21st of August. I labored for 15 hours. The majority of it with an epidural cause my husband was so mad they were making me go through labor still instead of doing a C-section. He wanted this to be as little trauma to me emotionally and physically as possible. Part of me held out for the epidural cause I also felt cheated that I wasn't going to experience labor, wierd I know. But the Dr begged me to get it once I was maybe 4 CM dialated cause he said early babies can come out without being fully dialated. Nope, I had to go to 10 CM anyway. She ended up being 4 pounds 9 ounces, big for her gestational age but my husband was 12 pounds so we weren't surprised. And even with an epidural, oh, you still feel that head coming out. It was hard to be pushing her out and know she was dead. Horrible. We cried so hard when she was born, my doctor even started crying and had to leave the room. He talked to us later about he feels he should have caught a warning and this was just so rare and he is trying not to have guilt and asked me to also avoid blaming myself. But I blame us both. Me for not being more proactive for a pregnancy I fought so hard for and I blame him for not paying closer attention to little things and being so laid back. She was born at 4PM on 8-21-09. 17 and 3/4 inches long and BEAUTIFUL. Skin still pink, chubby, ruby red lips. A really pretty baby. We named her Addison. And I had to buy her grave plot a few days later. I'm devastated, heartbroken. And that doesn't even cover it. She had 2 loops of extremely tight cord around her neck. He had to cut it just to finish delivering her. He couldn't get the cord off. She was what I was waking up for everyday and what I had to look forward to and I am so lost now. My husband and I talked a few times about changing Dr's cause this guy was a little too laid back for what we went through to get pregnant but we kept putting it off, ya know, we'll just give him one more appointment before we change to a new Dr. I feel so much guilt. What if I had changed Dr's, why did I let this man convince me nothing could possibly go wrong, why didn't I speak up when I thought the heartrate was low and why didn't I say she was a little less active since the day before. I can't stand this guilt and knowing, her being born at 32 weeks, she had a good chance of being ok with a little help. What do I do with all this guilt? I also thought about scheduling a 3-D ultrasound that may have shown the cord around her neck. But I didn't cause I knew we were already working extra hours to pay for the IVF and keep up with other expenses. I could have done so many things different and saved my baby girl and I didn't. How am I ever going to accept that I could have said or done one thing different and she could be coming home from the NICU soon instead of in a grave. We had a beautiful service for her and released 25 balloons as that hawaiian version of "somewhere over the rainbow" played. My husband built her a beautiful casket. We were lucky enough that our hospital has a volunteer service called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, who does professional photos for you. They are amazing and aside from her blanket, a lock of hair and foot and hand prints, those photos are all we have. God I'm so sad. Please, any support or guidance or anything? I feel so stupid. My 2nd to last appointment the Dr had to go to a delivery and so the nurse did the checking of the fetal heart rate. At first she found one that was about 80 and said "there it is". I told her that was my heartrate and had to help her find the baby's myself. How could I have all these signs that we weren't getting propper care and not change Dr's. He has 30 years experience so I never thought he would allow this to happen. But I paid the ultimate price and I don't know if I can ever forgive myself.

[nikki'smommy]

Shanna..I am sooo sorry for your loss!. I actually had tears in my eyes reading your story, and thought no one should have to go through what you did! My brother and his wife went through the same senario this past march, after trying or 6yrs....I will keep you and yor DH in me thoughts and prayers..!

[christina_s]

Shana,

I am so sorry for what you've been through. I was reading about another member who lost her baby from a cord accident, saying the possibility of such a thing happening is really small. Please don't blame it on yourself. I know it' hard not to, but please don't. The normal fetal heart rate is between 120-180, you were within the range and you had an u/s. How could you have known?

Please take care of yourself.
My heart goes out to you.

[5angels2007]

My baby was born sleeping at 28 weeks. This was unexpected and tragic. I mean she was my best friend and I had so many plans for her. But I guess there were other plans for my angel. My tragedy happened on December 6th, 2008 where I started off my day depressed and could not shake it and at the time did not understand why. I began my contraction monitoring when the nurse from Matria called to informed me that I had no contraction. They normally ask if the baby is moving and for the first time, I couldn’t say yes. Usually when I put the monitor on she would go nuts. So I was going to drink some orange juice to stimulate her when all of a sudden my water broke. OK!! Well if she is born now she will be small and will stay in NICU, but I was actually excited to go to the hospital. On the ride there I was trying to get her to move with no results. So I started to panic inside but didn’t want to worry my husband. I just wanted to get there so they can hook me up to the monitors and I can hear her heart beat. My husband wheeled me to Triage where they began hooking me up to monitors. It wasn’t until the nurse could not find the heartbeat that I really started to panic. My heart rate shot up to the 130’s and the nurse kept telling me to relax because the Doppler was picking up my rate and not the baby’s. After several minutes of moving the instrument around the doctor ordered an ultrasound as he headed to the hospital. Ironically, the doctor arrived with the ultrasound tech. They placed the probe on my belly and there was my baby, lying still on the screen. Not even a flicker of hope from her heart. My husband began screaming out for her saying “MAMA COME ON YOU CAN DO IT, PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME” then the doctor looked at me with a glazed look on his face and said, I am sorry but she is dead. OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH NO!!! I was saying “PLEASE GOD NOT AGAIN, I CANT GO THROUGH THIS, SHE WAS FINE YESTERDAY, PLEASE SAY THIS IS A JOKE, PLEASE.” It wasn’t until we delivered her that the doctor realized that the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck tight, twice. There was no blood flow at all. He diagnosed this as a fetal demise by means of a nuchal cord accident. What was so astonishing was that tthe same thing that took her life. I was given pitocin to make me dilate and it took three and a half hours for me to dilate fully. On December 6, 2008 at 8:33pm, Maria (Peanut) was born sleeping. This loss killed me because I was so sure I was bringing my daughter home. The doctor encouraged me to not give up trying and assured me that cord accidents happen but it’s like being struck by lightning.

So I understand every emotion that you are going through. If you ever need to talk, cry, vent I am here and I understand. So please pm me or email me at tamikaluciano@yahoo.com.

[bunniswife]

Shana I am so sorry to hear of the death of your precious Addison. Losing a child is the worst pain in the world and not something you will likely ever get over. There is a support group for bereaved parents called Glow in the Woods. Here is the address
glow in the woods - home You will find alot of support from other mothers and fathers there that have also lost a child from stillbirth to neonatal death. Sending you hugs....

[shana]

Thanks for the support. I am still feeling very angry that this happened. I also found out from my sister that the day Addison was stillborn, we were told as she delivered that there were 2 loops of cord around her neck. By the time the Dr delivered the placenta we weren't paying attention anymore, we were crying and looking at Addison. I guess once the placenta was all the way out, there were also 2 true knots in the cord. How in the world did my baby girl get so tangled up?

[Hazeld0409]

Shana & 5angels2007, Your stories have touched my heart so deep that I will never forget either of you or your princesses. I pray for comfort and your dreams coming true although you'll never forget your little one.

Shana, it sure is not your fault. I have to tell you that I am neurotic asking my dr a million questions because he is also laid back. Yesterday I requested to be tested for gestational diabetes because I feel so sick and can't explain it since everything is well according to him. I know he has lots of experience but I worry when things don't feel right. He was a little annoyed that I worry so much because my blood pressure was high before the u/s and went down after the u/s. I told my husband I may see a specialist to make sure everything is ok and he said we should trust the dr. So you see, you and your husband are not the only ones trusting drs, we all do it but can't be blamed for these tragedies. Please grieve this loss and know that it's ok to be sad and mad because you're human and you lost your baby girl. I'll be praying for you!

[katina128]

I just wanted to write and say you're not alone, and I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost our baby girl to stillbirth on 9-19-09. She had a ventricular septal defect and my placenta was insufficient due to Fifth's Disease. I caught it from my sons, which my OB knew about, but didn't do any closer monitoring. I'm feeling major guilt over not being more assertive as well. It's an awful place to be in. We are waiting on her genetics report to see if the heart defect was genetic or not. I'm praying for good results but scared to death this will happen to us over and over again. Good luck with your IVF cycle! I pray you are blessed soon with a brother or sister for Addison.

[isabella]

It is absolutely not your fault! I am an RN in labor and delivery and at times nurses and physicians take the healthy routine pregnancy for granted, everything becomes routine since most of the time everything is just fine. This was more apparent when my role was reversed and I was laying in a hospital bed, praying for my baby. I think both of us being nurses; we want an answer…… There has to be a scientific medical reason this happened? I suppose the reality is bad things happen to good people, it’s unfair. There is no way a cord accident could have been prevented, and it is very likely that it could have happened abruptly. True knots & tight nuchal cord x2, that’s so rare. Hang in there, I for you, .

[isabella]

P.S Addison is gorgeous

[Kay]

Shana, as I sit here with tears running down my cheeks, I struggle to find words to say to you. All I can say is I am so sorry for your loss. This story moved me greatly and I want to echo what others have... YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT. Please accept some cyber hugs (((((((hugs))))))) and s for you and your DH.
Kay

[shana]

Thanks for all the thoughts and hugs! I am still having a hard time with this loss. I love Addison more everyday. We are doing IVF again this month. So as hard as it is to be thinking about having another baby in "Addison's womb", I know I don't have a lot of time due to early menapause. I don't know why but it feels very weird to be thinking about being pregnant with a baby other than Addison. But that is kinda jumping ahead I guess. We have our first U/S on Friday to see how the follicles are looking. Dr changed my protocol this time. Last IVF we did max dose stim meds and didn't get anymore eggs than when we did IUI stim's. Dr went to a conference that says new studies show the dose of meds wont make a difference for someone like me. So far our baseline U/S's have showed a total of 3 antral follicles. So We'll see on Friday if any of those are responding to this first part of the stim which is actually just 100mg of Clomid days 2-6. Then we are going to start Gonal F on Friday and we'll go from there, depending on how the follicles look. Thanks again for the responses.

[reddee24]

Hi Shana,
I just read about your last IVF cycle and I am so sorry. We did another cycle just months after losing Halle and I was SO crushed when we didn't make it to our transfer. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do to help make this time for you easier in the sense of knowing that there is someone else out there who gets completely what you are going through. I wish I had that, but our club is a small one.
Take care of yourself.
Dawn