[inspiration]

I hope it is ok that i post this here because it doesnt look like its many post on the secondary fertility. I dont mean to offend anyone.
This is sorta a long story but i will try to sum it up. I am 32 yrs old and i have a 9 year old son and a baby that died at birth in 2004. I have been trying to get pregnant again since Jan 2005.
I was 22 when i first got pregnant. Wasnt trying and just some how we had a little slip up and got pregnant. He must of been meant to be. I was scared but happy.
I wanted more children but my husband wanted to wait. When my son turned 5 years old I talked my husband in to having another child. We started in November but i didnt get pregnant. By the 4th month i thought something was wrong with me. I begged my dr for clomid and he gave me a low dose and i got pregnant with my second son. I was so happy. I was going to have 2 boys and they were going to be 6 years a part. A little farther a part than i wanted them but not bad. By the time i was 4 months pregnant i started loosing weight, something didnt feel right. By 6 months i started bleeding, i went to the dr and they told me i have placenta previa but they wanted to send me to get a 3D ultrasound because they couldnt see on the ultrasound well because my placenta was in the way.
So I went to get the ultrasound and they told me that had no fluid. They found out that my baby did not develop kidneys and thats why i had no fluid. They said after 3 months that the baby's urine makes the fluid. They told me he was going to die at birth because his lungs werent going to develop with no fluid. I had to go on strict bed rest or i was going to bleed to death because of my placenta previa and no fluid made the baby push on it more. I couldnt believe what i had heard. I came home and cried for days. I had to lay in bed. I kept bleeding and passing clumps. My dr told me he needed to go ahead and throw me into labor because my baby was not going to survive and he was scared i could bleed to death. I shouldnt of trusted the dr but i did.
So i ended up at the hospital where they threw me into labor, i was in labor for 24 hours and then my placenta abrupted and i almost bleed to death. I was rushed in for an emergency c-section where th ahole dr cut me up and down instead of side to side. He told me that was not going to happen and it did. He told me that he saved me from having to have a hesterectomy. Dont know how to spell it.
My beautiful baby looked so perfect. U could tell he was early. I was around 27 weeks. U couldnt tell anything was wrong with him. We had a little funeral for him. I went through really bad depression after that.
I started trying to get pregnant again hoping that another baby would help me get through. I couldnt get pregnant. So my dr (different dr - never went back to the quack) put me on clomid. I took 4 cycles and still no pregnancy. So my husband got checked and we found out he was in the grayzone as far as sperm count. They sent him to a uroiligist and we found out my husband had 1 vasdifferin - tube that carries sperm out. The dr said he probably had 1 kidney. So we had him checked and he had 1 kidney. I cried and cried because i then knew that what they told me was a fluke was genetic. Its called Potters syndrome. They told me we have a 20 to 25% chance that our next baby will have some kind of kidney problems. Could be 1 kidney or no kidneys or 1 small kidney and 1 large. We had my 9 yr old checked and he has both kidneys.
It took me a while but after around 6 months i got brave to start trying again. This was around Feb 2006. My husband had his sperm checked again in Dec 2005 and he had high sperm count so we werent worried about that. In July 2006 I was pregnant on my own and within days i miscarried. So i started trying again but no luck. My dr put me on clomid again in 2007 for 3 months and no luck. In Jan 2008 i had a laproscopy done and found out i have between a 2 and 3 endometriosis. My tubes were fine it was on my uterus. So he cleaned me up. I started trying again and have tried for 4 months. 2 months i was on clomid.
I started my period today and I am so mad. I have cried all day. I dont understand I am MAD!!! Why come God takes my baby but he wont even help me by giving me another baby. Why? Why does he continue to give all these people that hurt their kids or drug users babies but he cant even give me another baby to fill my empty arms. Ok so i know he needed my baby for some reason but why cant he help me deal with the pain and make it easier by blessing me with another baby. Im not asking for 3 or 4 kids. All i want is another healthy baby to give my son a sibling. I know that they would be 10 years apart but they would be closer when they got older. WHY??? I just want God to answer me why.
i am very thankful for the son i do have with me. My sister has endo and couldnt have any but she has adopted 2. So i am thankful for my son but it hurts so bad that my baby died and i cant get pregnant again for some reason.

[Tatanka]

I am so sorry for your loss and that you have to go through this. I hope one day you will get your BFP. Please, do not lose hope.

[inspiration]

thank u for taking the time to read my story. Thanks so much for your kind words. I want to appologise for being so mad. I had to get myself together today and pray because I am thankful for my 9 year old. I couldnt ask for a better child. I guess i sounded so ungrateful in my post. I didnt mean to. I am blessed in many ways. I think the devil was just trying to bring the worse out of me yesterday.
God Bless

[Persephone1881]

I am so sorry for your losses. It's perfectly fine and normal to be mad. I was mad after my ectopic pregnancy a few months ago. The thing to remember is to not let being mad consume you. I know it's hard, but negative emotions just eat us up if we let them take control. This forum is a wonderful place to find hope and support. There are so many ladies here who have gone through years of disappointment and loss and eventually come out on the other side with beautiful healthy babies. And it will happen for you too.

With so many failed Clomid cycles, it sounds like more aggressive treatment options might be a better route. Also, if you're not seeing an RE, you might want to consider changing doctors. OBs are more often than not just not as effective in treating infertility.

I truly hope that things start turning around for you. This forum is a great place for the hope and inspiration we all need at times to get through our down times. Good luck to you.

[TeresaWV]

I know how it feels to loss a child. It's completely normal to be angry and sad. My son passed in April, I was 23 weeks. I also had a partial placenta previa. After 4 1/2 years of trying. The worse part was that if he only was a little bigger he would have survived he just couldn't grow. I don't think I'll ever understand why someting like this happened. If you ever need to talk I'm here for you.

[Shellyhume]

Oh, sweets, it breaks my heart that you are amongst us who have suffered such loss... remember you are not alone. Please also remember that God didn't take your baby boy... His heart aches as much as, if not more than, yours to see you suffer this pain... just know that He had to allow this to happen for a reason we may never understand but that ultimately makes us better people in the end. Keep your chin up, fight the fight, and never ever give up. You are going to have some really low days... days when getting out of bed just doesn't seem worth it. Then you will have days when all you want to do is fight this and overcome... I pray for lots of THOSE days for you. Good luck and God bless.

[momfro]

Thanks for sharing, inspiration. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I had to write because of your last sentence. I know how bad it hurts to lose a baby that you want so badly for your family. I have a 5 year old son, lost a son 3 years ago and have been trying to conceive since then. There is know known reason why I can't get pregnant again. It is such an emotional journey. Noone knows how sad and painful it is unless you've been there. I wish you the best of luck.

[marilynn]

I'm really sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is so unimaginable. I lost my daughter at 26 weeks three and a half years ago and still get angry sometimes or will still have moments of incredible despair if something sets it off. My husband said that every time we get a bfn it is like losing her all over again and I think I feel the same way.

I think it is okay to sometimes feel angry or at least it is better than denying your feelings of anger. For me, at least, if I don't own up to those feelings of anger, then they seep into other parts of my life. With it out on the table so to speak in an honest way, I can know what I am dealing with and begin to pray for some peace.

I pray that you have some peace in all of this and that you have a beautiful addition to your family.