[nms17]

I have a DH who is totally disconnected to this entire process. We are a week into our stims and he has not even researched this process nor does he really have a solid idea of what this entails. I guess becasue I have no one to really talk to about this process I was hoping to get the emotional support from him. Anyone else out there with these issues?

[AllyBourbeau]

I'm sorry that you feel that way but honestly I think this may be why this site is SOOO popular! Guys seem to not really care about the process as much... Just the end result. I think this is why there are so many extremely devoted women on here...because we like to talk and research and talk some more. I wouldn't be too hard on him, spend time on here and you will quickly realize you are not alone. You will always have support on here!!!

[mom_taurus36]

I Have One Not Only Not Interested In Process But Not In The Marriage,or His Current Child. Currently Separated. Yeah For Me Cause I Married The Wrong Guy. I Am Glad We Didnt Have A Second Child.

[shellbot]

I'm having some hubby issues too. A couple of weeks ago my husband finally opened up and told me he really wants to have children. He was just feeling depressed and helpless about the whole situation and didn't want to have to see me so upset if I had another m/c. He even said he would be on board with timing bd better, maybe closer to my O date and see if that worked. Well, here I am with positive OPK (on our 10 year wedding anniversary mind you) and he says he wasn't prepared??!! I don't understand! He's afraid to try purposefully? I don't know if I'm more upset over the possibility of another m/c or him letting another month go by without even trying. I'm glad to have a place to vent about this ladies, thank you!

[30andstillwaiting]

I have a similar problem although my dh says he wants kids and now but he minute I start suggesting talking to an RE or looking into adoption he is not ready.

[hopeforbaby]

I am in the same boat with you ladies. I have a DH who could seem to care less and it is so hurtful. We just went through our first IVF with ICSI cycle this month. It did not work. He is the one with the fertility issues, I am fine. but I am the one going through all the needles, pain, medications, giving everything up and he has no compassion. We have been together 11 years, married 5. Before marriage he said he wanted kids after we got married he said he changed his mind. Now he says ok yeah i want kids, so we try, and end up at a fertility clinic. He never even once researched what I/we were going through. Was disinterested in the entire process, even on the day of the embryo transfer. When we got the call that it was unsuccessful, he was like "oh well" I just wanted him to say to me, "I know how much you went through. I am so sorry it didnt work, we will try again."

Why is it that men can be so insensitive throughout this process? Do you ladies have any suggestions for how to get them to be more involved? We have a phone meeting with our RE this week to talk about where to go next with this process...do we use the remaining frozen day 5 blastocysts in June?

[nzsc]

Wow - I though that my DH was the only one out there. I am in the same situation. He is very uninvolved with the whole process. He does not seem to care - and, we started with a fertility specalist late in life. For me, I feel the pressure of time and he does not at all. I thought I understood him, but wow, I was wrong.

Natasha

[LauriePK]

hopeforbaby, I'm in your boat! I'm going through all the needles, tests, ultrasounds, etc...and it's DH who has azoospermia. Man. But, he's not really disconnected or disinterested, he just doesn't seek out the fertility information the way I do. And, he isn't as inclined to talk about it....

We're starting late in life, too (I'm 39, he's 42), and he's definitely not as aware of the minutes ticking away!

I don't think it's because husbands don't care -- though of course I can't speak for all! But some men just don't know how to talk about it, or what to say. They have that "We have to do this, this, and this" perspective -- just get it done and what's for dinner? . They don't seem to have the same need to talk about it or to connect....and they don't realize that we do.

What works for me is to tell him that I feel disconnected from him, and tell him what I need to hear. That's not as "good" as him coming up with it firsthand, but it's better than nothing!

Did anyone have to do counseling as part of the infertilty treatments? That really helped us communicate better.

[maybebaby1]

Originally Posted by nms17

I have a DH who is totally disconnected to this entire process. We are a week into our stims and he has not even researched this process nor does he really have a solid idea of what this entails. I guess becasue I have no one to really talk to about this process I was hoping to get the emotional support from him. Anyone else out there with these issues?

Yes, I dealt with the exact samething! My DH didn't even know the process when I did IVF and IUI. He didn't ask much about it and didn't want to talk about it. I know he really does want children and he was diagnosised with severe low sperm count. Somehow he has turned around on he and acted like he is doing me a favor with all these procedures. Huh? I have done IVF and IUI w/bfn's and have a follow up appointment on Monday and he has no intentions of even going! I just don't get as much as you!

[GradinTexas]

I had a huge fight with my husband today. He is totally clueless about what's going on! We have just started visiting the RE. My tests are all normal (but going for a Sonohysterography tomorrow). He has low normal morphology (2.5%)...he didn't say a word when we found out. After much nagging he just said that he's OK with it because he hasn't done anything wrong (very healthy lifestyle, that's true)...Anyway, I understand that's not his fault but man, would I love for him to be upset!
Also, DH is never late for anything - except for appointments with the RE -- I have noticed that he tries new routes (and gets lost), parks miles away from the hospital, makes the wrong turn. Last week I suggested to drop him off in front of the hospital - he was so pissed off!
I really am at a lost here. Is he trying to miss the appointments on purpose? how should I approach him?

[AngelSmiles]

I'm sort of in the same boat as the rest of you. My DH knows how bad I want children. He wants them too but for different reasons. He thinks it'll be "cool" to have kids, while I can't imagine my life without being a mother. My DH irritates me sometimes because he acts like the doctors appointments and the money that goes in to them are an inconvenience for him. He gives off this attitude like having kids is going to keep him from having his expensive toys and doing what "he" wants to do. It's frustrating. I'd rather have kids who can take care of me when I'm too old to care for myself then to enjoy the pleasures of say, a boat, or race car while I'm young. I think men just have a different mindset then women. They're not looked at differently if they don't have kids like us women are. They're not less of a man for not having children. I feel like my husband doesn't want to make the same sacrifices that I'm willing to make to have children and some days that really infuriates me. I'd sell off everything I own to have them but if you expect him to get rid of his boat, Ha!! You've lost your mind. LOL

[jenm]

My DH didn't do the research, nor was he all that interested in the process of iui/ivf. He'd ask a question here or there, and he would do as instructed for his part when the times came for that. He was only mildly or moderately interested in the progress of the pregnancy ( in my opinion anyway, since I researched hours a day and he only learned what I told him). He may have been less than enthusiastic due to our previous m/c's. I had doubts about him being a stellar dad due to his lack of eagerness.

Let me just say that ever since our son has been born that he is the most interested, most adoring, most enthusiastic dad I've ever known. Your DH may not be interested in the technical aspect of things, but I'll bet he cherishes that baby when you have it!

[savannah]

i am brand new to this whole forum thing, but was so comforted to see all these posts. my DH (what does that mean?) is the infertile one yet i feel like i am doing all the work- research, shots, etc. we are set to start everything in october so right now i am just sitting around worrying and wondering why he isn't interested, even in the part about whether this might affect MY health. it's really difficult.

[Kit-Kat30]

savannah,

Hello &

To answer your question: DH means Dear Husband. I don't know why we say that they are dears, but you know they try.

A good resource book is Navigating the land of IF... by Melissa Ford. It has a lot of good advice for dealing with the good and the bad. The family and the friends. She also has a section for navigating the blogs so that the lingo isn't lost on you.

I too have a DH that has the IF (infertility) issues. He is a great person, but does not show much interest. However, he does care about you. When we decided to try embryo adoption over another IVF it was because he was concerned about all the stimulation that I was getting from the treatments. He said that he didn't want me to suffer any side effects or late onset negatives from all the treatments. He started to do some verbal talking about our next steps to me. Finally the man speaks!!

Give his ego some time to heal. He will be there for you.

Good luck in October, lots of hugs and we will be here for you when you need us.

[SFBaygirl]

I too am in the male IF boat and I know that this whole process can be even harder on our DHs than on us.

Most women are like this: Ok, we have IF, let me google every site on the internet and get to the bottom of this and get started tomorrow with treatments, is that OK?

Men. . . not so much. They will most likely need more time to grieve, rage, process then get started.

They feel it much more personally I believe, like they have failed as men for not producing sperm!!! Sounds silly to me. If I didn't have viable eggs I wouldn't feel like less of a woman, or that could be just me. I blame society for this one, putting so much pressure on men, similar to that put on women to be thin and beautiful at all times.

There is a thread on the general forum from Bostonyankee, titled I feel like less of a man today. I recommend reading that thread which gives us insight to how much our DHs can hurt. I feel that DHs aren't disinterested, just not sure how to show their emotions or how to help. For all of history a man's role in pregnancy technically ends after the big "O" for the "norms" out there anyway. They aren't hardwired to care about all of the intracies of the gestation period. Good daddies-to-be of course are very involved but still in an ancillary role.

Good luck to all the ladies suffering here.