[nzsc]

I have had it with DH. I am 39 and he is 36. We have been TTC on our own for four long years. Personally, within those four years, I gave up, determined for myself - by myself- that I am infertile, and accepted the fact that we will not have a baby. DH refused to go to doc and wanted to conceive on our own, believing that when we are ready to, we magically will. Okay, I accepted all of this. Silly me.

Next, (four and a half years later) I am preg. and m/c on 1-12-09. I was and still am a mess. DH decides that we should TTC with doc. help. He saw how much of a mess I was and wnated to help. Okay, we go to a fertility clinic. I may have endometriosis and he has small sperm. They want his sperm to measure 14 and he measured 12. So DH goes on a vit. to improve size of sperm and I am faced with three options.
1) surgery to remove endo
2) injectable drugs (due to my age)
3) IVF

DH leaves everything up to me. he can't remember my appts., doesn't ask about what the doc. said, and tells me that it is all my decision. It is like he is there but not there. I lose it and now we are not talking. DH a few days ago, was talking about where are we going to go on our next vacation and finishing his master's degree that he never finished five years ago. I freak out b/c if we begin this TTC journey with surgery, drugs, or IVF there will not be time or money for a vacation or college (at least right now). He is so disconnected. It is like he does not care about the m/c or my age or us TTC. How can anyone think of a vacation!!!!! Another part of me believes that we should separate and he should marry some young fertile thing.

I feel so alone and hopeless with TTC. I know that there are millions out there with difficulty TTC and I am not alone. But I do feel alone. I really do not have anyone to talk to or relay on. Others in my life tend to "lean on me". I feel so alone and just done with DH.

Natasha

[HRMS MOM]

so sorry you are going through this! Big Hugs to you. I have no real advise but to say that my DH in some ways was the same. They were my appt, I need to remember when to take the drugs, ect, ect. It could possible just be a guy thing. Maybe you can sit down with him and discuss this at this point you have nothing to lose. Good luck!

[AmyK]

First, I am sorry about your loss. I have to agree, maybe it is a guy thing. I think you could benefit from talking... and quite possibly with counseling with someone who specializes in infertility. Your clinic should be able to give you a name. When we first went to our RE, he required us to see a counselor. I was sort of annoyed at first, but really was the best thing we could have done. We got to discuss expectations and limits of our treatments in a "safe" enviroment.

I also think he could be hurting too. Guys express it in such different ways. He's mourning the loss of his baby too. I am sure he hates to see you in pain and may be unsure of what to talk about with you. I know my DH doesn't initiate talk about treatment/babies/negative HPTs/etc because he is scared to upset me all over again. He might be trying to talk about vacations etc as a way to take your mind off things (not possible I know). Now, knowing there is a problem with his sperm might be causing him stress. What I am trying to say is there might be alot going on under the non-questions and silence.

IF is so hard to deal with. Sit down and talk about it. If it is easier, write him a letter. I often do this when I want to get across what I am really feeling (without being interupted). It gives me a chance to edit what I am trying to say. Keep the communication open. Try and get into a counselor. You two need to be in this together. Best of luck.

[ohbabybaby]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

I have to agree with the other girls that it's probably a guy thing though since my husband was the same way. I was pretty much in charge of everything that had to do with our IVF treatment. I kept track of all medications, shots, and appointments, and I just informed DH when and where he needed to be. And then I'd have to remind him a few times as well. lol
It's not that he didn't care, his brain just doesn't work the same way as mine does. He was just as excited as me about getting pregnant with this baby, but it was hard for him to focus on the little details.

I know it's hard, but try not to take it as a personal slight against you or as an indication that he's not as excited about getting pregnant as you are because I'm sure he is.

Good luck!

[redoak]

Hi there! I am SO sorry this is happening to you. It's so unfair.

We've gone through 3 IVF cycles and my husband was very supportive, but I also think this a guy thing. He's supportive, but I have to give him specific details on what needs to be done. I don't think guys think about the little stuff that needs to get done (IVF, home or work.)

Honestly, these treatments are so stressful that sometimes you just want to be able to hand over some of the work and not worry about the details.

My thoughts are with you. You're not alone in this.