[TryTryAgain]

Hi everyone,

I was just wondering if anyone out there is having any issues with in-laws while going through infertility.

I am so frustrated by my MIL. Let me explain. My hubby and I have been TTC for 3+ years now. Ever since we married, we've been getting a lot of pressure from my MIL to have babies, so naturally, she kept asking why we hadn't had any yet. I got the feeling that she blamed me. About a little over a year ago, we started seeing our RE. DH is pretty open about everything with his parents. Sometimes, it drives me crazy that he can't keep certain aspects of our personal life just between us.

Well, fast forward to the last couple of months. After having endured a lot of fertility tests, some that took a long time to get results back, we were finally ready to start IVF. During those tests, it was discovered that DH had CF genetic markers that caused his low sperm count/motility/etc. MIL could not understand why her "perfect" son had this condition. It was so frustrating. We finally started our first IVF cycle early this month.

DH's cousins were also having issues with fertility. In a sense, I'm glad I'm able to talk to her about stuff, but I'd never wish it on anyone. They started their IVF a little before ours. They're very open about their IVF with my MIL. Everytime we see MIL, she asks a ton of questions about our IVF cycles. Like: "Why am I on this med, and K's on this one?" or "Cousin K has to do "X procedure" during hers, do you?" or "I think it's weird that K has to do X, but you don't", or "K has to do bedrest for a while during hers, don't you think you should take time off work for yours?". She is driving me absolutely crazy!

I'm a very private person by nature, and she is a very nosy, in your face kinda person. We've (DH and I) had several "fights" about how annoying she can be from my perspective. He says she's just trying to be motherly and loving, but I find her overbearing and nosy, and sometimes downright insensitive.

I've always dreamed of surprising both my in-laws and parents with news that we were pregnant, not having them find out before we were ready to tell them. This whole process is complicated enough without the added stress of pleasing the in-laws. My parents are not the nosy type, they ask how we're doing, but don't push us to say more than we're comfortable. I'm considering having DH agree to not tell my MIL the results right away when we find out, and if possible, not to tell her, regardless of outcome, until both of us are ready.

I'm sorry this post is long, but I'm not sorry for venting. It was long overdue.

Anyone share similar experiences or other horror stories about in-laws and infertility?

________________________________
Me: 26 (Low estrogen)
DH: 28 (Low sperm count, CF marker)
TTC: 3 + years
3 fur babies (Peaches, Oscar, Peso)

IVF #1
Puregon, Orgalutran (Antagonist Protocol)
08/09 Started stims
08/20 ER - 3 eggs retrieved
08/21 2 fertilized
08/22 1 survived
08/23 3DT - 1 transferred (8 cell G2)
08/30 BW & U/S
09/06 Pregnancy Test

Hoping for !

[TTBPatient]

Totally have the same kind of MIL!! I'm very private by nature as well because sometimes it's just too hard to communicate the disappointments to someone that has no idea of the heartaches infertility can cause.

After being married for many years and hearing the endless, "so when are you going to have a baby?", it's hard to take anymore.

My MIL loves rubbing other family and friends babies and even strangers babies in public in my face all the time. Maybe I'm just over sensitive but when I've been trying for many years, it's hard to see her make over babies and then look at me with this blank face, like why wouldn't I want want of those. I do think she thinks it's me not wanting one and her DS not having any say in it whatsoever.

She knows there are problems and she knows we both want a child desperately, but when she says, honey you aren't getting any younger and I thought this was the year, she makes me want to lock myself in a very private place and never, never, never share any of this with her again.

Sorry - whew - that feels good to vent.

[sticktome]

You both need to A/ Have your DH support you in your decision not to tell anyone ... Seriously .... that is the first and most important thing...

B/ you need to write a letter to her saying she is making u crazy and to back off biatch ... ok I know there are better ways to say that ! .. she needs to be told she is hurting you...

If you do not take control now .. she will be a nightmare when you do have a child and keep getting involved in ur life.... DH needs to step up and see what he is doing to you by not stopping his mum ..

Just ask Dr Phil ... :-)

Good Luck Ladies

[tygerlilly]

SO I have a similar situation, although my MIL is "Worst Case Scenario" queen. It got to a point where Nick told his mom to "shut up!" Even after the tansfer she was calling him and telling him how and why it wasn't going to work (she has an addiction to google, and has graduated from google university apparently with an MD lol). She is not allowed to talk to me directly without Nick being on the phone as well, this way he can ensure she does not stress me out with her latest "Research". This is the same woman that insists that a mega Tsunami and a mega volcano are going to erupt/hit the DC area and kill everyone on the planet... shes a little nutty lol.

She is a very caring person, but she also cannot keep her mouth shut. After we got a BFP (she was positive wasn't going to happen) I told everyone in my family and I let Nick tell his family... he told his mom first, and she told everyone else before he wanted to. He wanted to wait for the second BETA, but they all already knew. We have told her that we are not telling her anything now, and she will be the last to know... she thinks we are joking, but we're not lol. We just picked names, and she doesnt know what they are yet lol.

The only advise I have, is begin screening your calls, otherwise you will begin to stress out and drive yourself nuts. I did not talk to my MIL but 2 times during the process, to tell her that we did the transfer, and when I began getting mild symptoms. That was it.

[TTBPatient]

My DH has come a LONG way and does see the ways of his mother. We pick and chose what to tell her, we screen the calls, and lastly we try to do less things with her so we will not be shot with the 1000's of questions that she has a way of doing. It's been a long road with MIL and we've worked at it together. It doesn't help that she is widowed and has so much time on her hands to plan her attacks.

She is a nice person, deep down and I do love her. But when life is difficult and you're on the emotional rollar coaster of infertility, patience with insensitive people is VERY hard.

However, my stress levels are more important and I chose not to let her get to me but it's hard some times. I lost my Mom at a young age and I want that motherly support, just not smootherly support.

[TryTryAgain]

Originally Posted by TTBPatient

My DH has come a LONG way and does see the ways of his mother. We pick and chose what to tell her, we screen the calls, and lastly we try to do less things with her so we will not be shot with the 1000's of questions that she has a way of doing. It's been a long road with MIL and we've worked at it together. It doesn't help that she is widowed and has so much time on her hands to plan her attacks.

She is a nice person, deep down and I do love her. But when life is difficult and you're on the emotional rollar coaster of infertility, patience with insensitive people is VERY hard.

However, my stress levels are more important and I chose not to let her get to me but it's hard some times. I lost my Mom at a young age and I want that motherly support, just not smootherly support.

I can totally relate to that. My DH has come a LONG way too. He has made some progress, but he's not quite there yet. We're not quite on the same page where his mother is concerned, but I'm hoping he'll get there. Since they live locally, it is very difficult to put some distance between us. We used to do things together at least once a week, maybe more. Now, I see them maybe once a week, but for a very limited amount of time.

My MIL has a history of upsetting me and driving me nuts. Last March, we got a puppy. At that time, DH and I were so frustrated with it. What did the in-laws do? They came over and kidnapped (yes, kidnapped!) him against our will. Of course, we were both very upset/angry with them. I didn't speak to them for months after we got our puppy back. DH works with his dad and he'd talk to his mom to try to solve the situation. The situation was solved when he stopped talking to both of them (especially her) and they finally noticed. That finally opened their eyes up.

For now, we are all getting along. I just wish MIL would mind her own business once in a while. I know she's bored (she doesn't work, but takes care of her other son with high functioning aspergers/autism), but that doesn't give her the right to be so nosy and ask a million questions.

I've chosen to limit exposure to limit stress. I've also decided that they will find out our results when we want them to and not before. That will be difficult, but necessary. The minute she finds out, his whole family will know. That woman cannot keep her mouth shut about ANYTHING. I was hoping to keep it from them for weeks, but we'll see what happens.

[TTBPatient]

My MIL is local as well. It's just hard when you care what people think of you and you think they think you are being a 'witch'. Drives me crazy. So, then I ask myself, why do I care? It's very frustrating. Best of luck TryTryAgain ... here's some baby dust for you!!

[Believe]

My MIL is still convinced, after three years of trying, that I'm not getting pregnant because of stress. She fails to recognize my age and LONG list of diagnosed medical conditions, preventing me from ever getting or keeping a pregnancy. She's an idiot! After my husband and I announced we were adopting, the B**** had the nerve to say how she, "Did not feel comfortable with adoption." Well, I guess she won't feel comfortable holding or seeing her adopted grandchild anytime soon either.

[saka7901]

Oh man can I relate!! My MIL knows my DH and I have been ttc for two years, yet still had the nerve to call me when my SIL was pregnant and say "I can't believe you didn't call to congratulate ME, I'm going to be a grandma again!" Meanwhile I called my SIL and her husband and let them know how happy we were for them. My DH didn't tell me right away they were pregnant b/c I was traveling and he didn't want me to be crying in a hotel room without him there. So everyone also discussed amongst themselves that it took me so long (3 days) to call her and congratulate her, and why was I taking everything so personally?

I just can't take it anymore...I too live close to my in-laws, we just moved 45 minutes away and I have limited contact to holidays only. I try to ask myself "why do I care" but I do care and I don't need to be hurt like that. Even over the holidays I will be there for only a few hours. I don't need to hear from the in-laws with children about how I don't understand what they're going through and how pregnancy sucks and I will never be like them. They have made comments to me to be purposefully rude and hurt my feelings - not just me being sensitive - and once my DH realized he removed me from the situation. It's hard for him because it's his family but slowly he is realizing it's not ME - it's them.

Oh this forum has been so wonderful for me to be able to vent! Thanks all for listening and good luck to all with your MILs!!

Kristin