[30somethingmom]

There's no doubt that infertility puts a huge strain on a relationship. After our miscarriages, both my husband and I were understandably depressed. He became angry at me more often. I cried a lot. Sometimes I wondered if our relationship could survive. But our struggles actually made our marriage stronger. We communicate better because we had to in order to get through such a difficult time in our lives.

What about you? How has infertility changed your marriage?

[hopefulx2]

We have been struggling with infertility for such a long time that it has affected us in many ways, first is I talk about babies way too much and my husband listens although he says if it happens fine, if not he's still content,....second is money, I've spent so much of our money on a failed adoption (about 8K) and now about 20K on my current txs which is really wrecking havoc on our finances, my husband doesn't even like to discuss the money issues because he says I'm draining all our resources. I feel bad for doing this, however, I would feel worse knowing I could have had a new baby if only I had tried...

[Tanya324]

My husband is great we have face alot more than this in our 8 years..... We really are bestfreinds and have always been that way, I know how much it breaks his heart to see me cry and at first he did not understand but now he knows that when I cry just to hold me......he is my bigest cheerleader and I am his...... I know that I am blessed with a wonderful man, we have faced so much in the last few years that we know that we have come this far we will make it through anything, this of course by far is the hardest but like he said to me once when I was thinking he should leave and find a women who was not broken he told me that I was everthing he ever dreamed his wife would be....... he is for sure everything i dreamed my husband would be. he said that if he could grow old with me that is excalty what he wanted.....

[slobin]

IF has changed our marriage in many ways. On the one hand it is a huge strain and I feel that we got along better before b/c we never had a test. But now that we have had the ultimate test of our strength and commitment I feel a stronger bond. One of his cousins experienced IF (had 3 kids) and said that a couple who goes through IF never splits up. I think she's right- it does make you stronger.

[cheffren]

My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 8 months. We started trying before we got married as we knew we'd eventually get married. We always thought that it was bad timing and my lack of period. So I finally went to my family dr after not having a period for 7 months and the same every month. In the back of my head I always worried about IF. All the testing was the worst, in the back of my head I always anticipated the worst. My husband and I both completed our tests in the same time period, and when I went to the OB to discuss the results it seemed like all my husband cared about was his results. He doesn't seem to understand the fact that it bothers me more that I'm the one with the problem. I have PCOS. This was very hard for me to take in. I am always worrying about it. My husband comes home from work and I get snappy with him and we fight alot. I know that this is partly because with my job I have too much time to think. I work overnights in a supported home for adults with disabilities and then I come home and am all by myself, this is hard as I constantly feel alone and that I don't have anybody to talk to.

My husband and I are on our first round of treatment, and already with the emotions that I'm feeling I don't know how long I can take the strain.

The other day my husband made me cry by asking me "why is it so hard for us, everybody else I know just has (S) and boom they are pregnant, why did this have to happen to us?"

Does anybody have any tips on dealing with these emotions??

I don't know how many more times I cna hear from my Husband and my MIL your still young, don't worry about it...

[casb77]

My DH and I have been married for 7 years and in addition to IF have dealt with my dad and my last two grandparents dying as well as my crazy mother first stealing from my sister and then suing my dad's (her ex's) estate for the life insurance money all between 10/04 and 4/07. The last couple years haven't been a picnic, even without the IF roller coaster.

I have a hard time talking to him about my feelings before they just burst out in a tearful, snot-ful mess. I'm trying to get better about it because he really does try to be understanding when I finally confess stuff. He is hesitant to tell me when more of our friends get pregnant because he knows how it upsets me, but then I just get upset because I'd rather hear it from him as soon as he knows and not be blindsided by the news in public. I'm trying to be better about just telling him how to help me through this (I obsess about IF) rather than getting mad when he says something that upsets me.

It's my tubes that are our problem, his low counts would still be enough if my tubes were open and functioning. I feel guilty that IVF is sucking our savings account dry and we've had to sell some stock to pay for it, but he's never said anything about it, just took it as a matter of course that we'd have to use that money to try for a baby.

He was always the one who really wanted to try to have a biological child rather than going straight to adoption. I thought it was some profound genetic tie he was looking for but he actually said it was because raising children is hard enough without the "wild card" of adoption. He thinks that our kids will be smart and attractive and that will make raising them easier. I was floored and speechless, but now I just laugh. Hopefully he'll learn soon enough that raising kids is hard work no matter what they look like. We're doing a Shared Risk plan so if IVF doesn't work we'll probably move onto adoption, but we'll cross that bridge when/if we come to it.

He came with me to my 2nd hysteroscopy appt. yesterday. It was the first time he met the RE, though we were all on for a phone consultation a few months back. We had a refresher on the shots, too, which was also a first for DH. He kept touching my back or arm whenever he was nearby all day, so I think he's starting to really get how big a deal this is and just how much I'll be going through to make IVF happen. I hope that means he'll cut me some slack if I have random mood swings while on all these meds!

[Claire75]

There's an interesting survey about infertility where you can see the results after participating at OpinionDB.


It includes a section on relationships and it shows that despite the strain many couples seem to become closer through their struggles.

[Sandywantsbabies]

Infertility does cause a lot of strain on relationships. My inlaws and parents have finally stopped asking. Its very hard since only u know ur pain.

Yes its not fair when u realise that ppl have babies with not much effort at all. They dont undestand how difficult it is for us. We all pray for babies but I wonder why we who really want children cant have them..

My husband finds these treatments a waste of money. I think i will be borrowing or taking a loan for future treatments. Wish I was working but it would be a hassel to get to all the appts. In a recent argument about things he clearly said he had no faith in my treatments. He never accompanies me for my appointments, even if he is doing nothing at that time. It breaks my heart that he is not invloved nor does he want to talk to me about it. I often wonder if I should not have married at all so that he did not have to go thru this. Everytimes i get a i think about leaving. He does not want to adopt, and will not talk about it at all. I feel i am stuck in a never ending vortex. I have noone to talk to.. or cry with about these things.

Here I met other women who have gone thru what I have. I have found immense comfort in reading their experiences and learning from their examples of being strong and brave.

I have found encouragement here.

Thank u !!!

[meremere]

Our IF journey has been the best and worst years of our lives together. I am more in love with my DH then ever. I can tell you it was harder on our marriage AFTER the baby then going through IF. But we wanted this child so much and we want us to be together. We have to take it one day at a time and know that no matter what we are a family. My DH was the most supportive and loving person when dealing with the reaccurant M/C's and still to this day lets me mourn then and understands! I am blessed with a loving husband there is times I wonder why he is with me becuse I am not as nice as he is at times! but we are together and love each other a lot.
Sorry to ramble!

[Pennycuff]

IF has definitely changed our relationship, unfortunately, not for the better. DH used to always be supportive and listen but yet when it comes to IF he 'blows off' everything. He thinks treatments are a waste of money and now he's doing the ol' "I think we're trying too hard", so now I have given up trying to talk to him about it. I have decided to try 6 months of giving up so that he cannot say "we're trying too hard" when the 6 months is up.

I have resentment towards him that I am trying to deal with since he has been unsupportive and now uncooperative with medical treatment. Since our issue seems to be sperm morphology, I think he has hit a 'denial' stage and he gets angry when we still fail to get pregnant...to the point he won't even discuss it.

I can only pray that we will make it through this whole thing. I have already told him that I have given up and resigned myself to the fact that we will not have children because we won't do medical treatment. His answer -- nothing...just silence. So yes...it has definitely changed our relationship and how I view him as of lately. I wish it wasn't the case.