[ThaKatzMeow]

My name is Andrea and i just joined the forum. I have been dealing with infertility and i am a newlywed. My husband and I barley ever fight and now thats all we do. Right now i am on depo lupron with has me severly depressed and an emotional wreck. My husband is working almost 24 hours a day sometimes he doesn't sleep for days. He is doing this to secure our future and i understand that, but i don't think he truly understand what i am going threw. Lately all we do is fight its like we can't be in the same room for 5 min with out fighting.
It got alot worse these past two weeks. I had a doctors appointment and consultation last tuesday and he couldn't go because of work. They needed a sample from him to figure out where we go from here. I asked him to pick the date he would drop it off, and he picked friday (yesterday). Well thursday night we were on the phone while he was at work and he sensed i was aggrivated with him, immediatley he started argueing with me and said he refused to take the sample in because he didn't want to have a child with me if we were not in a healthy relationship. I went off the handle i couldn't believe he actually said that to me. I don't want to bring a child into a marriage that isn't healthy but i realize we are going through alot right now and aslong as we work together it will get better than it use to be. I suggested counseling and he agreed. As it seemed we were getting some where, he said he couldn't take the sample in because of his work schedual, it had changed. I told him he needed to choose which was more important. I also told him it seemed like he was picking a fight for a reason not to take it in to the doctors office because he couldn't do it due to work. I never got an answer on that and i haven't spoken to him since haven't even seen him. Today is our 6 month wedding anniversary which makes this all even more painful. We use to be so close, he use to be my rock, and my bestfriend. Its like he doesn't care anymore, he thinks because he is stressed out and can just hurt me and it is all right. I feel so weak right now, and i am. If i wasn't going through all of this i know i could handle this better. Right now i just feel like i am loosing everything and there isn't a thing i can do about it. As i sit here and read all of the other posts i can't stop crying. I just wish i could get a handle on all of this. Any advise that could help please let me know. Thank you!

[Kellileanne]

I am going through something much similar. We got married this past april and haven't even see ovulation happening!!!! Our infertility is on my side but he was very hesitant to go in for testing. I finally got him to talk to me and he was afraid!!! Yeah, afraid that he would have a low count or some other problem and then he would feel he would be to blame if we couldn't have kids of our own. We were very stressed for a while and we had our time where all we did was fight and blame eachother for things--we couldn't even have a conversation without fighting!!!
Your dh needs to understand what you are going through right now and he needs to understand how much you love him and that if the IF is on his end that you will love him just the same. Tell him that you need time to feel conforted with him again, you both need time together--even if it is just laying on the couch talking. Make sure you both talk, get every concern,frustration and fear out and don't take it the wrong way!!! We were directing our frustration at eachother and not at the real cause--feeling inadequate that we weren't preg yet.

Hang in there, there is a light at the end of the tunnel...we aren't there yet but we can talk about everything now without getting angry and starting a fight. It is possible!!!

[ThaKatzMeow]

Well he has already had the testing once through the hospital, it showed he did have a low count. But our specialist wants to do the testing again, and see if we can not still do IVF. My dh and i have talked alot about these frustrations, and what would happen if it were on his side and not mine. If it were on my side and not his, or if it happened to be a combined issue. He use to talk to me about his feelings and even though we were going threw so much and we did fight it was never like this. Now that he is working so much we don't ever see each other and when we talk all we do is fight, now it seems like he doesn't care at all anymore. I think i am more frustrated that ever because we did use to talk, and now its like we can't. Thank you very much for your advice, its really helpful to finally be able to talk to somone about this!

[jenedens6102]

Infertility definitely can cause a hardship in any relationship. I think it's just about how we handle the situations. DH and I fought a lot during our treatments in 2004 but this time around we didn't fight once. For me it was having the support of these women, I didn't feel alone in my struggle. Our husband's are men and that says enough, they just deal with their emotions on a different level. You need to come up with a "neutral" day, take one day during the week and that day you cannot talk at all about your infertility, treatments, babies, etc. Just take the day to focus on you, your husband, your relationship. Best advice I have.

[biggsista]

Hubby and I have had some terrible fights ourselves lately and we have been married for over 12 years..

After a recent argument we were at an anniversary party and I was looking at my husband from a distance and he was watching some young kids dancing on the dance floor, his eyes were welling up and I could see the hurt on his face and although he never said anything, I knew exactly at that moment how much this is truly having an effect on him too. I never realized..he has not really let it be known..

When we are hurting we definately hurt the ones we love. Alot of times I have had to take a step back or two and realize that "This" is a terrible stress on the best of marriages.

The best thing that you both can do is try to make some neutral time together like Jenn said..continue to do some things that you enjoyed doing together before all this "stuff" came into play.

I'm not downplaying what husbands go through by any means, its just that they dont have to go through what we do, so there will never be that total "understanding" We are going through the crazy hormones, shots, pills, blood tests, invasive test after test, questions from others and the list goes on... Use this forum to your advantage.

I know that when and if the time comes, this will all have been worth the struggle and down the line we will be a stronger couple than most we know. If we can get through this we can get through anything!

[einstein]

Andrea,

I'm sad that you are dealing with so much and you should be enjoying life as a newlywed. But IF is so difficult and stressful and I can understand why your DH is working hard AND also why you feel alone in this. You came to the right place. to our little home here. I hope things get better for you both.

[ThaKatzMeow]

Things were getting really rocky, and some days are better than others. I agree we need to find some neutral time together, we have already started talking about certain days we can set aside even with his crazy work schedual. The great news is the start up is over after next week, so hopefully we can get back to being us. Tomorrow i have my Hysterosalpingogram, which has brought us back together. I am alittle worried about it but over all i am happy that we are moving forward. Thank you all for being so supportive, like i said before it really helps to talk with you.

[biggsista]

Good Katz,
I'm glad u and hubby are on talking terms! Good luck with your hsg tomorrow! (I did fine and I am truly a big baby!) keep us posted!

[ThaKatzMeow]

Well, i just got back from my hsg. The test results were good. So in a few weeks i under go some more testing. Leave it to me though, such a simple test and something went wrong, my doctor never told me what it was, but all of a sudden she just said..."OK, I THINK WE ARE DONE" "are you ok, don't move. Stay there" lol. The clamp got stuck as well took her about 5 min to fix that. Cramps were really bad but it went away in about 5 min. So it wasn't fun but it is kind of a funny story, i thought i would share it all with you

[biggsista]

Glad your tests came back good! What did u try to jump off the table?? lol..

[Kellileanne]

I am happy to hear you and dh are setting time aside for yourselves!!!
I am also happy your hsg went well, that is awesome!!!

Keep us updated!!!