[CryingInside]

Yesterday DH and I ended up in a gigantic fight. Basically it boils down to the fact that I am super upset at him for his absence in our marriage and the fertility struggle. He never wants to talk to me about anything, ignores me most of the time when I am talking, and takes no time for me anymore. He hasn't bothered to do anything special for me in years. So I took off my wedding ring and told him that I am through with being treated this way. I am tired of feeling second to work and everything else.....and he actually told me that "Work is us" and that he gets paid to plan stuff for work. I was so hurt. Who in the world says that work is us? Who thinks that way?

Well a little later in the night he came upstairs to the bedroom and I guess decided that he would get everything off of his chest. He said that he resents me for having a fertility problem and not being able to get pregnant. (and all I could think was that I actually asked for him to talk to me about his feelings?!?! Stupid me!) Now I am super depressed about the entire issue. He did say that he is going to work on getting over his resentment, but is that really possible? I mean, if we don't end up getting pregnant I feel like this will hang over our heads forever and I will always feel guilty about it. I don't know what to do or say. What do you ladies and gents think? I really thought of us as a team against infertility until last night....now I feel like its me against it all including him. And the worst part is that I have to be at work...listening to inmates complain about their situations all day long....sometimes I think I got into the wrong profession!

[waitingCarla]

I understand your situation way to well. I was married and although my marriage did not work out and it was not because of fertility we still had those problems. Well we got divorced and we are back together trying to work it out. Of course the fertility problem is mine alone I always felt we should both bare with it and at times I do feel that I am going through the rollercoaster of emotions by myself. He is young and I know he would be a good father. I cannot give you any advise as I do not know what to do in my own situation but sometimes it just feels better knowing that you are not in this by yourself and that there are people going through the same kind of situations. Do not let this break your spirit as you will need to be positive to get through this ordeal.
Just know that these are cards that you have been dealt and God never puts you in a situation that he feels that you cannot get out of. Stay positive and I will be praying for your family.
P.S. Just reading your thread I can see how fustrated you are but I do not think that the word "resentment" was just a poor choice of words and that males can be a little insensative so just keep that in mind.

[jencat215]

Stephanie- what ever you do, do not think that the IF is your fault. No one asks for this. I am sorry that you are having marital difficulties. You really should try to get him into couples counseling before you continue trying. I am sure that he doesn't 'resent' you, but is probably very fustrated and doesn't know how to express it. Still, it is no reason to lash out at you like that. I really hope that the 2 of you can work this out. It is bad enough that we have to deal with IF, but you really need each other if you are going to make this work.

[hopeful2bmom]

Stephanie-
I would also suggest couples counseling. Sometimes you can yell and scream yourselves into circles if there is no mediator involved. It helped DH and I, but sometimes we get off track and we need to go back for a "tune-up". Resentment is toxic. Dh has to know that IF is not your fault. This is something you both signed up for when you got married and you need to stick toegther through this journey, however long you decide to do it. You will be parents no matter what, someway if you want it badly enough.
I sympathize with you because DH and I have had those exact fights. They are not fun. Infertility can consume a person, especially a woman. Maybe it's time to take a break and concentrate on your marriage. DH and I have been doing that for the last three months and it is definitely worth it. Good luck.
hugs, Susan

[CryingInside]

Thanks for your input. I just feel so frustrated and even more guilty than I already did. Dh saying resentment makes a ton of sense because he used to be such a caring and compassionate person, but lately its like someone has came and took over his body. He is so bitter. I guess I might have been when we first started going through all of this, but I am somewhat over it now. I mean, I have gotten used to the idea that I am infertile and God has a reason for this and I am patiently waiting to see what that reason might be. I am def going to look into a couple's therapist who has experience with infertility, however in our small area that might be difficult. I've been researching all morning. Anyways, it helps to know that I am not a loner on this....I hate that this might tear apart my marriage. IF SUCKS!!

[wannabigbabybelly]

I'm sorry your having to go through this extra stress right now.

I wanted to say that I'm sure your DH doesn't resent YOU. What he resents is the INFERTILITY. Maybe he doesn't realize or couldn't express the difference. But I think it's good that he was able to at least put some of his feelings into words.

Try and stay strong. Try not to take it as an attack against you. You'll get through this.

The fact that he was able to come to you and express what's bothering him is a huge step in the process. Now that the door is open to discussion maybe you can start talking with him about the difference...

Your the same old You that he loved and married.....but this thing...Infertility is something beyond your control. But it's not unbeatable.

There are great doctors out there, and great meds that can help you reach your goal of having a child.

But let him know that you need his help. You need his love and support. Maybe you can really work on re-connecting in a mind/body/spirit kind of way. That way he can remember that it's not YOU he's upset with...it's the infertility. Hopefully he'll be able to see the difference and be able to support you in both your desire to have children.

[Annaandy]

i think he needs to reherse his vows :"in sickness and in health" , richer or poorer" "love, honor CHERISH", "till death due us part". You should not be alone in this, maybe he should read some articles that the IF is in the man and not woman, maybe he will have a different persective. I am sorry you have to go thru this I willpary and hop you find peace in all this.

[hope26]

Sometimes I think that it's harder for men to understand and be supportive and compassionate because it is not their body that it is happening to...or failing to happen to. When you think about the way that men are wired...they are somewhat selfish and in their brains they can't wrap themselves around the idea of IF...especially if they are not the "problem." By no means am I trying to tell you that you are wrong or that he is right, but my dh and I have too struggled with this IF issue and feeling resentment and obcession with it and so on. And the only thing that has gotten me through it has been redirecting my thinking. We are going through so much already with being infertile, then to have to think about dealing with your dh emotions and struggles with it as well is tough...especially because they are dealing with it in a different capacity than we are.

Just like we have feelings of resentment for other women who get pregnant at the drop of a hat or have like 8 kids, men probably experience some of those feelings towards us. I think that is natural, but needs to be dealt with senstively and carefully. You love your dh and it is obvious that he loves you being that he wants a baby with you so badly. You two are worth fighting for and helping each other through this issue. Seek counseling and I think that your Dr. might be able to help you both sort out your feelings together and come to some closure for the time being. Good luck to you and stay STRONG! to us all!

[jenedens6102]

Stephanie, have you called Dr Gentry's office? They may have someone they can refer you to for counseling. I'm very sorry to hear about this fight. Infertility is tough to deal with regardless of where the finger of blame gets pointed, it's a two way street. It was your love for each other that brought you to your marriage, not whether or not you could have children. When DH and I first started testing and we found out it was male factor my husband actually said to me that he'd allow a quiet divorce so that I could go on and have children. I told him I married him for the person he is, the man I love, not for his sperm. We are in this fight together and for always! I hope you guys get this situation worked out and it's for the better.

[mrsrodgers]

I am so sorry...I think the stress of IF can affect any marriage....it sounds like maybe seeking counseling (I know that there are IF counselors out there or even a marriage and family counselor) may be your best solution...also maybe sitting down with one another and really talking it out will help. It sounds like he is stressed as much as you but has been wanting to be strong but has not dealt with it....I know that when we found out it was me I asked my DH if he resented me for this problem I had and he informed that when we got married whatever problems arise that it is our problem not just one of ours....it has taken me a while to understand that is our problem and not just mine. Maybe your DH is still coming to terms with it....Good Luck and just know that we are all here for yoU!

[CryingInside]

Thanks for the advise and kind words. You have no idea how much I needed to hear all of this today! I plan to call my RE tomorrow to search for a counselor or support group. I am lucky to have all of you ladies to talk with, I think it would help if DH saw and talked to someone else dealing with the same thing. I feel personally attacked, but I know that feeling will pass. I am grateful that he finally opened up after so much time. I feel that will help us move past this fight. I have been trying to put my faith in God and let the rest sort itself out.

[sarah16]

Steph, I am so sorry you are going through this. To echo what the girls are saying. Infertility is not your fault. It's a medical issue. I think he is disappointed in the infertility and probably doesn't know how to express it. I'll pray for you and good luck with whatever you decide to do.