[Seamless42]

Hello folks -I'm one of those "DH's" in a real bind. My wife and I differ tremendously on what I see as moral questions about IVF. I don't want frozen eggs out in the world for religious reasons. We have tried everything except IVF for a year and a half. My wife does not have the qualms I do, and she sees this as now or never because of age. There is overwhelming pressure on me to proceed despite my objections. I fear for our relationship but I can't give up my convictions. My wife will not hear of adoption.

Has anyone faced something like this? What did you do?

[CryingInside]

I am sorry you don't see eye to eye. My dh and I have been through that before and all I could do was wait. You both HAVE to be comfortable with your decision to move to IVF, otherwise one of you will end up resentful. I'm not sure how to explain to her that you will both need to be on the same page and until then you can't move forward, but I pray that you will find a way. In my opinion you will have to find a compromise that works for both of you. Perhaps you could consider embryo adoption for your frozen eggs or even for yourselves instead of traditional adoption.

[jencat215]

why would you have frozen eggs? with IVF, they will remove your wife's eggs, then fertilize them with your sperm. Then they will transfer however many embryos you and your RE decide on. If there are left over embryos you can freeze them and implant them later. IVF doesn't always work. Lots of women here have gotten pregnant via FET (frozen embryo transfer). If you have all the children you want and still have left over embryos, you can either donate them to another infertile couple to give them a chance at life, donate them for research (these donations help improve techniques for IVF/FET), or just choose to destroy them. If your wife is older (not sure age cut off here), you might not even have left over eggs.


I suggest you write up a list of what you refuse to do because of religious or whatever reasons and have your wife do the same with what she wants/refuses to do. Then meet with your RE to go over your concerns.

I hope you and your DW can work this out.

[Seamless42]

Thank you for the replies and the good thoughts. I should have been more specific-- I meant frozen embryos, not eggs. I'm not okay with destruction, and I don't want to go with giving them up for adoption unless we aren't able to try again later for unforeseen reasons. Happy to report that a conversation since that posting has made things somewhat better- she now sees that my having issues doesn't mean no, it just means we need more detailed info than most people about how we might avoid the circumstances that could cause problems. Compromise might be in the air, and that's all good.

[jencat215]

I am so glad that you were able to talk to your wife. It is important to have these discussions. Really, it sounds like you don't have anything to worry about. There are so many variables here. You may not get any extra embryos to freeze. And even if you do, you do not have to freeze them. You could consider doing low doses of drugs to only stimulate growth of a few eggs. Or even if you got a lot of eggs, you don't have to have all of them fertilized. You could freeze the eggs, and try with those later. Eggs are NOT embryos. Or you can do ICSI to make sure you only have a few eggs that fertilize. You have so many options. And no, you don't need more info than others...everyone wants the full story!!!

Again, I am glad that you guys are working this out. I am sure you both will be able to come to some sort of compromise. And soon you will have your baby.

[BabySteps]

Communication is the best. Sometimes each person has to give a bit. My DH had some discussions about the religous and moral aspects of our ivf with donor eggs. We did not have any strong disagreements or anything but we did discuss it and it brought us closer together. We saw a side of each other we had not seen before. In the end we both truly believe we did the right thing and we feel blessed to be able to have our own family. Good luck and understand that IF puts a lot of stress on a relationship but it is only temporary!