[Rob&Irina]

i think you are in a right path, buddy!

you said it: Let her know that we are a team.

what is your wife's plan? what does she want, did she say? divorcing you is not a solution to IF... last i checked, it takes 2 (sometimes even more) people to make a baby...

[hope4baby]

have you talked to her face to face since all this happened?

[InfertilityCrushed2]

Originally Posted by hope4baby

have you talked to her face to face since all this happened?

Hello Dear Hope4Baby,

Yes, I have talked to her on several occasions face to face and on the phone as well. I have profusely apoligized and admitted that I was wrong in the way that I handled IF. That it got to me in the worst way. That I totally lost the BIG picture. When I see her now I usually end up in tears because I just cannot bear the thought of not living out our dreams that we both shared. I know that I have been responsible for holding back on IF among other things as well like affection. That I became emotionless. I was distant and empty because I felt helpless. I took responsibility for all of my actions. Everyone of them. She wants to deal with the house and our belongings. Who gets what. I told her to take everything because without her I have nothing. That for me, the sun rises with her. She tells me that it is over. That I cannot undo the damage that I have caused or take away the pain that she has felt. That the cards, the flowers, the letters, or the middle of the night texts do not diminish her suffering. I told her that it is ironic that the very thing that she wanted more than anything, children, is what I crave now only 2nd to being next to her. The last month has given me an entirely different outlook on life and returned my values to what they always should have been. With my Grandpa's health issues, my Mother's 50% chance at life and now the possible loss of my wife, I have regained and have a firm grasp of what matters most to me in the world. HER, my wife. She is that one person who makes me feel safe from everything. I told her that I want to be there for her. That I swear on my heart that I want to protect her from all evils. So she told me to stop trying to manipulate the situation and use her heart against her. That she has made a descision and that she is going through with the divorce. She told me last night that she is looking at a Condo today. So I am crushed and devastated. I wanted to be the father of HER kids. I wanted her. Yes, I made terrible mistakes in judgement but they were fueled by my disdain for IF. So in the process she lost trust in me and I lost her. I am trying to keep my chin up. I am trying to fight for her. To let her know that I care but I think that this is only irritating her more. I sent her a text message today: "Roses are Red, Voilets are Blue, (DW's Name) I will always love you. Many thoughts of you. Please stay warm today. I miss you."

So that is where we stand. Her sad, untrusting, and very angry and me crushed that I caused my own divorce with a court date looming in less than 30 days.

Sorry for the less than chipper and very choppy reply. Just sad that I failed. Thank you all though. I appreciate this site as well.

Stay Safe,

InfertilityCrushed2

[jenedens6102]

I am so sorry to hear that she feels the damage cannot be undone. I know as a wife in the IF journey there are many times from our early journey where I wish my husband could have said even just a little of what you have said and done. My heart breaks for you. Do keep your chin up, keep showing her your love and hopefully in the end she'll see that you really have changed.

[Mom2MandyandTristan]

I really really hope what I'm about to say doesn't upset you more than you already are but it sounds like right now, this very moment what DW needs is time and space. It may sounds nuts since you needing space broke you guys up but if she is as hurt and angry and heart broken as I'm sure she is then calling/writing/sending flowers isn't going to help. If she thinks all your heart felt gestures are just you trying to "manipulate the situation and use her heart against her" she may be in too much pain to let herself feel anything good about you right now. I haven't endured half of the trials and trubulation some of these women have with IF but dh and I had a bad "episode" not long after our baby was born and I was more than ready to go to lawyer and file for divorce, fortunately for both of us this happened on a Friday night and I would have to wait till Monday to start making my calls. Anyway in that time (away from him and not talking/fighting and just me with my thoughts) I was able to gather myself. I thought about him, why I married him, why I loved him, the type of man he is, the type of dad he is to my daughter and our baby and on Monday the only call I made was to a marriage counselor. Had we been in each other's face (either literally face to face or even on the phone) I don't think I would have decided to reconcile. The old analogy comes to mind "time heals all wounds" and while you don't want to leave her mind or heart pushing yourself to be there may be making her more resentful. I have to say your post made me cry while reading and I was hoping as I read the newer posts that things would have gotten better. I still will hope and pray for you and dw that everyone's heart heals enough so that you both can be happy. I also recommend conuseling even if it's just you for now. Please keep us posted!

[hope4baby]

I am sorry for your situation, however I have to agree with Mom2mandyandtristan. It you're texting her in the middle of the night and sending her stuff perhaps it's a bit much for her. She needs time to think, adjust and just reflect.
I know you're a planner but you can't plan this one out and you can't fix it with a plan. It's all about the heart and soul. Give her some space. Stop sending stuff, don't text and just try to give her her time. I know that if that were me and I was hurt that bad, that all that stuff would freak me out and make me even more on edge. Chill out, you can't plan everything. You probably haven't even given her a chance to think, relax and reflect on your lives together enough to call you and ask why.
God has you both in his sights. He is a good and gracious God so whatever path he lays out for you, you'll just have to walk down it and prevail.
GL! God Bless!

[InfertilityCrushed2]

Hello All,

I did take the advice. I didn't make any attempt to contact her yesterday. I was never trying to be over the top with my attempts to reconcile. She had just made it clear to me that my main fault was that I withdrew from her and the situation. So I was just trying to reassure her of my feelings for her. That I love her. That she is the one that I want to be with and that I take responsibility for those failures within our relationship. I was never trying to crowd her. However, there is a time frame here. A deadline of divorce and if she did indeed rent or buy a condo yesterday then that is in stone. Then there is no turning back so I wanted to make every effort that I could to expain in the simplest way that I would walk to the Moon for her. To leave no doubt in her mind that I loved her and wanted her forever.

Last night changed things in a way for me though. As is the case on most nights now days, I awoke at 3:30 am. However, on this occassion I prayed. Not for me, but for her. That God would take away all of her pain, anger, frustration, and hurt and that she would see clearly again. That he would take away the dark glasses of those feeling and that she would make judgements and choices with her heart and brain instead of anger. I felt better. I did come to a few conclusions about things. I LOVE MY WIFE. That God sent her to me and that we met for a reason. She was my guardian angel. The person who always kept me safe. That my outlook and perspective on life has changed entirely in the last 40 days. The 2 most important people in my life have always been my Grandfather, who always looked after me and of course my Mother because well she is my Mother. Now however I realized something. While those 2 people I owe for the past it is my WIFE who I owe my future to. She is the one that is most important from this day forward. She is the one that I want to rejoice with love and support. By being her biggest fan and a cheerleader in life. To tell her that I love her. To show her that I love her. That is what I learned last night. That she is my Angel. I suppose that my priorities have been adjusted and God took away my IF pain and anger. I now see things as they are and as I should of for along time. That if given another chance, we would make it through IF and be closer than ever before. That if we made it through this then we would be together forever.

But at the same time I also came to a sad conclusion about my DW and myself. That we may indeed be done and over. That I may have lost her for good. I just pray that I haven't but no matter what I want her pain and hurt to be taken away. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE MY DW!

Stay Safe,

InfertilityCrushed2

[hope4baby]

That my friend is the most unselfish, kind, loving thing you could have done. Pray for her....
You're a wonderful person. Continue to pray, put it in God's hands.

I pray for you both as well. I'm so so sorry you both have to go thru this and deal with these emotions. BUT there is always that hope.
You do have to take it all in stride, but then realize there's a point where you have to let go.
We're hear for you as the date gets closer, continue to confide in us as we're all here to help.
Good luck!

[wewishforbaby]

Wow, I feel devastated for you.

Today I got bad news that the 4th fertility treatment did not work and I feel like someone kicked me in the gut! It doesn't surprise me tho b/c this past 2 weeks that i've been waiting on my results has been horrible and stressful and all I've been doing is crying and getting upset....how can i create a child with this kind of upheaval...but I'm trying to keep my head up.

As for your wife, everyone is right, leave her alone. If she's getting more annoyed at your gestures, it's best not to call her, text her or send her flowers....just let her be. I can only imagine the pain you're feeling right now knowing that you could very well have lost your marriage forever. I think you did a wonderful thing by praying for last night, that's all you can do...keep praying and God will work things out. If it's meant for you both to be back together it'll happen, if it's not, well that's a harsh reality you have to face and reading your posts and I think you are preparing yourself which is good.

Take some time to reflect on your life. I know you want your wife back, but maybe you can also focus on something you want to do and get yourself into that to remove the focus of your wife. I pray for you that things work out one way or another.

God bless.

[InfertilityCrushed2]

Originally Posted by wewishforbaby

Today I got bad news that the 4th fertility treatment did not work and I feel like someone kicked me in the gut! It doesn't surprise me tho b/c this past 2 weeks that i've been waiting on my results has been horrible and stressful and all I've been doing is crying and getting upset....how can i create a child with this kind of upheaval...but I'm trying to keep my head up.

Wow Wewishforbaby,
I am so sorry to hear that. I feel your pain more than ever has been possible before. I hurt for you. I wish that I could help you or say something that would make it better. I suppose this Website has given me such a greater insight into a womans perspective on IF that when I read your post my heart actually hurt. I do hope for the best with your situation. IF is such a bad painful disease.

As for myself and my situation, yes I have tried to give her some space. The realization that I will be divorced is starting to set in. Once again last night just like so many nights before, I woke up. So I rolled over to check the clock and what do you know 2:58am. I guess the thing that really gets me about this whole situation is this...I believe that I know where I failed and why I withdrew because of IF. That today I could be such a better Husband, partner, and Father because now I see things much much more clearly. That now more than at any other point in my life I know exactly what I want. I want my wife, our children, the house, and the white flipn picket fence. The last month has just been such a wake up call about what is REALLY important in life and the future. I totally get the reasons why my wife is angry and hurt. I just wanted a chance to make it up to her. To prove that I was and I still am the guy who can make her the happiest woman in the world. That life is a journey and that I have learned one of the most important lessons yet...cherish the ones that you LOVE and tell them everyday. IF got me, and I do take responsibility for being withdrawn. However, I never wanted to be permanently away from my DW.

Wewishforbaby I do wish the best of luck to you. DO keep your chin up. There is a guy in St. Louis praying, hoping, and pulling for you and your DH. Thank you for helping me with your input during such a difficult time for yourself. That shows me alot about the person that you are inside.

Thank You Again & Stay Safe,

InfertilityCrushed2

[melhowell]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. My husband and I are about to start fertility treatments because of a low sperm count. He's mentioned many times that he would understand if I divorced him due to his inability to have children. To me that is an absolutely rediculous statement, but he also has a since of failure. As his wife, whose reasons for marrying him had nothing to do with his sperm, I do not see it as his fault. It's our problem that we have to work though together. Your wife probably saw it that way too and felt that maybe your lack of enthusiasm was due to a lack of caring, which obviously isn't the case. She probably had a hard time understanding the unnecesarry guilt that you carried for your situtation.

The emotional roller coaster of trying to have a baby is enough to put a major strain on the best of marriages. Maybe if you told her how you felt inadequate when trying to conceive, she may understand where you were coming from. She probably won't fully understand, because like I said, she probably didn't see it as YOUR problem, but she may understand how you could feel that way. You two fell in love with each other a long time ago for hundreds of reasons besides trying to make a baby. Surely you two can get back the basics of your relationship. Remember, if things work, and she wants to try again, whether a baby joins you or not, you would be investing in you future together just by trying. I may not know what I'm talking about, but I hope something I said helps.

[InfertilityCrushed2]

Originally Posted by melhowell

The emotional roller coaster of trying to have a baby is enough to put a major strain on the best of marriages. Maybe if you told her how you felt inadequate when trying to conceive, she may understand where you were coming from. She probably won't fully understand, because like I said, she probably didn't see it as YOUR problem, but she may understand how you could feel that way. You two fell in love with each other a long time ago for hundreds of reasons besides trying to make a baby. Surely you two can get back the basics of your relationship. Remember, if things work, and she wants to try again, whether a baby joins you or not, you would be investing in you future together just by trying. I may not know what I'm talking about, but I hope something I said helps.

Hello MelHowell,
I do wish you much luck on your IF journey. Just remember that you two are the most important part of the situation. That is where I made my major mistake. I withdrew because I felt helpless in helping my DW. I just was terrible at communication. I just went inward and withdrew when I should of done the opposite. A baby was always at the very top of her list and my view point had been that it will happen in due time. Not to worry that everything will work out in the end, and now after reading this site more than I ever have read a site, I see why she was feeling the way that she was at the time. She was feeling then like I am NOW! Like I am running out of time. The time is clicking. That I am 35 and if she was pregnant tomorrow we would be 34 & 36 by the time our first child was born. So I guess what I am saying is that now with our pending divorce it just hit me, the reality of things. That I was a fool. A **** fool. I should of been so much more involved and proactive than I was and that just eats me up. I just let the whole IF situation cloud the picture until I didn't know what we were even doing.

I do appreciate your response. Please stay connected with your DH.

The Best Of Luck & Please Stay Safe,

InfertilityCrushed2

[wewishforbaby]

Originally Posted by InfertilityCrushed2

Wow Wewishforbaby,
I am so sorry to hear that. I feel your pain more than ever has been possible before. I hurt for you. I wish that I could help you or say something that would make it better. I suppose this Website has given me such a greater insight into a womans perspective on IF that when I read your post my heart actually hurt. I do hope for the best with your situation. IF is such a bad painful disease.

As for myself and my situation, yes I have tried to give her some space. The realization that I will be divorced is starting to set in. Once again last night just like so many nights before, I woke up. So I rolled over to check the clock and what do you know 2:58am. I guess the thing that really gets me about this whole situation is this...I believe that I know where I failed and why I withdrew because of IF. That today I could be such a better Husband, partner, and Father because now I see things much much more clearly. That now more than at any other point in my life I know exactly what I want. I want my wife, our children, the house, and the white flipn picket fence. The last month has just been such a wake up call about what is REALLY important in life and the future. I totally get the reasons why my wife is angry and hurt. I just wanted a chance to make it up to her. To prove that I was and I still am the guy who can make her the happiest woman in the world. That life is a journey and that I have learned one of the most important lessons yet...cherish the ones that you LOVE and tell them everyday. IF got me, and I do take responsibility for being withdrawn. However, I never wanted to be permanently away from my DW.

Wewishforbaby I do wish the best of luck to you. DO keep your chin up. There is a guy in St. Louis praying, hoping, and pulling for you and your DH. Thank you for helping me with your input during such a difficult time for yourself. That shows me alot about the person that you are inside.

Thank You Again & Stay Safe,

InfertilityCrushed2

Thank you for your prayers...I can certainly use as much prayers as possible.

Last night I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I was hurting so bad. I was punishing myself feeling like maybe I didn't do all i could to make this pregnancy happen. I prayed to God and I told him of my anger I even got a little mad at him. Right now it just seems like there are so many little disconnected areas of my life....and it's painful. I feel sad that i have to go through this.

Through it all, I must say that my DH has been there. Sometimes I get mad at him maybe b/c it's all the hormones and sometimes it's out of sheer frustration. I know it frustrates him. I've decided to take a couple of months off to regroup and re-connect with my husband. Have some fun and just enjoy each other. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.

I'm not going to be defeated by IF!!! I feel that God is going to bless us with our child, I'm just not sure when.

I also want you to know that there is a woman in New Jersey hoping and praying that you and your wife make it. I'm hoping that she has a change of heart and come back to you so you can show her how much you love her. When a marriage can make it through IF, it's a testimony of how strong of a union you have. I pray for my marriage and all the other marriages out there that are victimized by IF.

Keep praying. You have it in your heart that you want your wife back...I know that God works miracles and I know that God knows what's good for us, so I continue to wait on him.

I wish you peace and blessings.

[InfertilityCrushed2]

Originally Posted by wewishforbaby

I also want you to know that there is a woman in New Jersey hoping and praying that you and your wife make it. I'm hoping that she has a change of heart and come back to you so you can show her how much you love her. When a marriage can make it through IF, it's a testimony of how strong of a union you have. I pray for my marriage and all the other marriages out there that are victimized by IF.

Keep praying. You have it in your heart that you want your wife back...I know that God works miracles and I know that God knows what's good for us, so I continue to wait on him.

I wish you peace and blessings.

Dear wewishforbaby,

Thank you very much for your thoughts and prayers. They do mean alot to me. I have read and reread your reply many times. It does pain me to know what you and your DH are going thru. Just try and stay positive and know that there are others out here thinking about the both of you.

The reason for me to reread your post is because that it hits so close to home for me. My initial thought was my god I want to hug you and tell you that everything will be alright, to be there for you and lend as much support as I can. Exactly what I didn't do in my own situation and why I want just one chance to prove that I can be that person for my DW. That I would be that person. That I am so very sorry for being selfish and being withdrawn. But at this point I just don't know what there is that I can do to convince her that I have changed. That my eyes have been opened to widest degree. I told her that I have been reading online about IF and trying to get help, especially with understanding the Womans perspective. So I thank you all with posting on this website about all of your concerns and issues. I feel more knowledgable about IF than I ever have before. I want that chance to go thru IF with my DW. I pray for that chance. I want to be the Father of her children! So I ended our conversation the other day by telling her that I wasn't going anywhere and that I am not giving up. So, good luck wewishforbaby and smile for me once today because you have made me do the same with your positive thoughts!

Stay Safe All,

InfertilityCrushed2

[msnoonoo]

I am not sure if I can give you any advice that hasn't been given already. I have read this post for a while and just don't know how to respond. Everytime I read one of your posts, I just tear up. IF is a hard journey and I will say a little prayer for you and your DW that things will work out in the end.