[InfertilityCrushed2]

I don't know what to do at this point. I will give you some backround information to start. My wife and I have been married for over 6 yaers and been going thr Infertility for over 4 years. When we started down this path we were both on the same page. I was very supportive. As the time progressed we both went thru different stages of the Infertility Process and stresses that it causes. The past year my wife has been much better while I have been the one who had changed. I started to withdraw from her in most ways. I felt ashamed, guilty, angry, and helpless. I was raised to protect the ones that I love and to fix problems. As I withdrew farther and farther this caused issues. I started to question our very relationship and the differences that we had. I became negative. It was like this shadow of infertility was a reminder everyday that I was a failure and couldn't give my Wife the one thing that she wanted more than anything. We had started an IVF cycle and I broke. I stopped her. I couldn't continue even though she was the one doing 95% of the work. I was so frustrated with being helpless. She was hurt and angry with me causing me to feel even worse about myself. We did begin to go to counceling but I stopped that after 3 or 4 sessions. I said some things during sessions that were very hurtful to my wife. I never blamed her for Infertility. I blamed myself for not being able to protect her or fix the situation. I was crushed and ashamed. This only caused things within our relationship to get worse. She demanded that I move into the spare bedroom which I did. Then I mentioned that maybe I should go stay at my Mothers to give us room to breath and get a hold of the situation. We missed Christmas together for the first time in 10 years which she blamed on me. She was very angry. Then on New Years Eve my Mother had 2 Anuerysms and nearly died. She was in the ICU for 17 days which took my focus away from my marital issues. I am an only child so my Mother is so important to me. Then 2 days after they move my Mother to the rehibilitation wing of the Hospital, my Wife called me to let me know that she filed for Divorce. I was and am crushed and devastated. WHile in the ICU day after day with my Mother the Shadow of Infertility began to lift for me. I realized why I married my wife in the first place and remembered all of the dreams that we shared. I saw that spark again. I LOVE MY WIFE! I don't want to be married to anyone else! Her reasoning was that she said that I left her long ago when I began to withdraw. That she had enough of feeling alone! So now I am Devastated. Not sleeping, wanting everything that I had dreamt of with my Wife! I was wrong in withdrawing. I didn't need to protect her or fix anything! I just had to be with her along the journey reminding her that I love her and that we were a team. I NOW FEEL THAT I HAVE TOTALLY FAILED! I would have done anything for her. SHE was my wife! If anyone has any thoughts or has been thru a similar situation I would love any input.

Thank You,

InfertilityCrushed2

[lovingwife]

Have you told your wife how you feel? Maybe you could still work things out. Tell her how you are feeling and maybe consider counseling again. It might work this time if you are willing to give it a chance. IF is very stressful on a marriage and I hate to hear that it has been so rough on you and your wife. I'm sure having to deal with your mother's illness just makes everything more difficult. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Best of luck.

[dherbert]

InfertilityCrushed2,

Wow, this post brought tears to my eyes. I think I can vouch for all of the women on here, that all of our marriages have at one point been in turmoil due to infertility. Sometimes you have to lose someone before realizing how much you had to begin with. I truely believe if you tell your wife your true feelings like you have told us, that she will give you another chance. You most definately need to go back to counseling and stick with it!! The one thing you must remember is infertility is not something you blame on one another, it is a disease that you treat and hopefully rcover from with reaching the goal at pregnancy in the end. It sounds like you at least have the option of IVF where as some couples have no options except living childfree or adoption. Tell your wife your fears about infertility and how much you love her and always have. I totally understand you wanting to protect the ones you love and infertility is something totally out of your control. You may not have control of infertility, but you can protect your wife by standing beside her and walking this long journey together. one day after your child is born you will look back and see how much closer you became as a couple! This will either make you or break you as a couple, please dont let it break you marriage or your spirit. This site is great to communicate with people going through the same things you and your wife are, maybe you can suggest she come on and finds some peolpe to talk to.
Good Luck with your marriage. I hope you guys are able to work things out.

[jenedens6102]

Wow, you told the story of your situation very well. The words touched me. Infertility is such a crushing blow to any relationship and it's not uncommon for men and women to be on different pages from time to time. As you said you were raised as a man to provide for your family, to take care of others and fix things. My husband feels the same way and it was an even worse blow to him because our situation was male factor - he couldn't fix himself to give me what I wanted (or so he thought back then). I would definitely suggest talking to your wife, let her know all that you've told us. Offer to go back to counseling, if not together then you yourself as there are issues to be resolved (we all have them). Let her know that you married her for her and if a child isn't in the plans that's ok. Hopefully she can understand and see that. Sometimes there is just a need for a break in the trying and the fertility journey to work on getting back to YOU - the way things were before. I tell you, our year and a half break was the absolute best thing for us. The stress was just too much on us physically, emotionally, mentally and we were losing each other - we had to get back to the beginning, remember why we fell in the love, the people we were before infertility took over. I hope you can do the same.

[InfertilityCrushed2]

Thank You For Your Reply! Yes, I have talked with her. We both have cried over the topic of divorce. I never wanted it and was entirely SHOCKED when she called with the news! I told her how my views and perspective on things had changed. We had a long talk. Her main reply was that if we did try to get back together now that it would be a long process and how could she ever trust me again that I would be there for her when she needed me most. That I wouldn't just withdraw again! My response was that life is a journey and that I have changed. That I want kids! That I want to chase them around! I want to feed them! That I want so many things and that my judgement was so clouded before by years of Infertility!! :-( But she is still hurt, angry, and skeptical. All the while now I have in the back of my mind, that if we did get back together, how would we ever have disagreements without me fearing that she would just go get the Lawyer again. :-( When I see her now, I just cry. I think that I am broken. Our dreams have been lost because of my resentment, stupidity, and shame. So now I am clueless as how to proceed.

Thank You Again For Your Input,

InfertilityCrushed2

[meremere]

Crushed,
I am so saddened by your posts! I wish that anything any one could say could say would be the majic words that fix it all. All I can say is many of us have been there. I have asked my Dh for a divorce 2 times after losses. I knew when I said it I did not mean it and all it did was make DH mad. We never went through with it but every time we do anything with IF I know he thinks about it. I love my husband more then anyone in life and I know he feels the same way. I am the one that feels like I am letting him down with not being able to give him a child or children. We went to counsiling and I went on my own as well. It helped but the main thing that helped was at one point my Dh grabbed me hard, pulled me to him, said scream, yell, hit me, kick, do what ever you want but to it to me and with me. I knew then that no matter what we were facing this together. We watched our best friends ( my best friend married to dh's best friend) have a baby, have issues with him being so premie and 3 years later divorce. It scared us to no end and in the end we are all very close to not being friends anymore. I lean on Dh for that now where there were times I thought I would never lean on him for anything again!
I realized it was not a big jesture I was looking for, it was a simple "I understand, I want a child too, but if that is not going to happen I just want you as you are and we will face whatever together!"
Your DW needs to find the point in life that she too understands that you love her more then the air you breathe, and you too want that child but if it is not meant to be then there are other wonderful parts of life that you can share together. In the end it takes 2 to make it work. It takes many of us ( I know for me anywya) a long time to come to that realization but in the end it made my home life and marriage much stronger. If we can face IF together there is nothing not even my In-Laws that can break us!
You will be in my prayers and thoughts and I pray that the right thing happens! You are not divorced right now so there is always hope, you have to find your way of stopping her becuase I would bet she does love you like you love her! If is ugly and destructive!

[wewishforbaby]

Wow, this post really touched me in so many ways.

Sometimes when we are going through hardships in life, we get blinded by what we see in front of us for the moment and it can cause so much pain. There are many instances where i'm sure most of us wish we could go back in time and change things and i'm sure this is one of those times for you.

Basically I think you can get your wife back, but I can tell you it's probably going to take some work. Unfortunately, you are going to have to grovel a bit (sorry to say), but it's true. You may have to wine her, diner her, have as many dates with her as you can, maybe even plan a romantic trip somewhere if you can afford it and just pull out all the stops you can.

Go back to therapy with or without her...and get things cleared up. I personally like cognitive behavioral therapists. I don't want to add insult to injury but in some ways you did walk out on her at a tremendously vulnerable time. I cannot imagine having to go through IVF and doing all the work and my husband wanting me to stop and making the decision to move out to his mother...that would really break my heart in the worst way and the trust factor would definitely diminsh greatly. Support means a lot to women during this time.

If you really want your wife back you are going to have to sacrifice the distrust and little burts of anger for a period of time until you regain that trust...i'm not going to lie to you, it probably wont be easy initially. Also, are you involved in any sort of religion? Do you pray and go to service? I really believe that having God in my marriage is what has gotten us thus far. Sometimes I get so angry at him, but at the end of the day, even when i'm pissed, we sometimes pray together. My husband doesnt always do things right, but he's there with me on the all the Dr. visits and he for the most part makes me feel like he's behind me on the IVF.

My heart breaks for you and I really am praying that you and your wife can pull your marriage back together. Do not give up on her, do the work and take a bit of the backlash...it's worth it for your future and the rest of your life.

Good luck! Let us know the progress on how things work.

[InfertilityCrushed2]

Thank You All For Your Responses!

My heart is broken. But my mind drifts towards the woman who is still my wife for the next 40 some days. I am ashamed. I lay awake at 3am most nights just wanting to hold her. I do wish that I could go back and do things differently. It is amazing how clearly that a person can think at that time of the night. The IF totally took the focus away from us and moved it to the negative side of things. I became someone that I am not. A person totally foriegn to me. My Mother is very spiritual. She was raised Catholic as was I, so she did rub off on me. While I don't attend Mass regularly, I do pray. I read a prayer book last night before I tried to fall asleep. I have went to Mass in the past month alone. I must leave for work now but I will continue this post when I get there. Thank you all. I LOVE my wife & I am not the frustrated, guilt ridden, angry, clouded judgement guy that I was 30 days ago. After reading some of these posts, I have felt somewhat better. In the fact that while I know that I was wrong by withdrawing, that I am not the only guy who has done the same. Things that I would fight her on left & right before, I now realize don't add up to a hill of beans in the big picture of things. Just clouded by the Shadow of IF. Being with my Mother in the ICU and how my Stepfather reacted and his emotions turned at every moan that my Mother had but he was always there for her. He couldn't protect her BUT he was always there. I NOW SEE THAT WAS ONE OF MY MAJOR MISTAKES! I have and do take responsibility for my actions or lack there of and to me that is a huge step forward. Just admitting and acknowledging failure, mistakes, and stupidity. I sit here and read your responses and realize that I or we were not alone. That many people suffer from IF. That I was wrong to turn inward. That I cannot solve this problem by myself. I did fail her. I read the stories of success on this Forum and it gives me hope. But at the same time I do feel that I myself am to blame for the ultimate failure of my marriage. Although I firmly believe that if you asked my wife if she could have a child or me in her life that she would chose to have the child.

[InfertilityCrushed2]

Sorry, the last sentence in my last post was totally inappropriate. :-( I know that my wife loves or loved me and wanted my child. I tried to edit the post but it timed out on me. :-( I miss my Wife. After last night I am even more in dispair. She always told me that I don't ask her for help enough. So I reached out to her and told her that if she had time or wasn't busy to stop by and see my Mother and me. I waited hopefully but she never showed. So I layed awake last night pondering things. I believe tonight that I am going to drive to see her Parents for this reason. I was Man enough to ask their permission to marry their Daughter 7 1/2 years ago, then I should be Man enough to apoligize to them in person and admit my own failures. I do not want to sneak out of my marriage in the middle of the night by reason of Divorce. I would rather sit down with them and admit my faults and let them have their say to me. I am sure that they have alot to say. But they cannot question the fact that I LOVED their Daughter. She is Beautiful, thoughtful, loving, caring, sweet, strong, and smart. The world is very LUCKY to have her! She is an Amazing Woman! She graduated in 4 years from a difficult university with an A average! She was a cheerleader! She was very popular. I let her down and for that I am truly sorry. Tears flow as I type this thinking about the person that I have lost. IF totally clouded and changed my perspective on things. Had things been different and we had 2 or 3 children running around our house right now, I would of considered myself to be one of the luckiest men alive. I just lost focus on what really mattered. That I love my wife and the person that she is today even more than the person that she was when I met her. She is so strong and determined.

Thank You All Again! Thank you also for this website. I am crushed and devastated but I don't feel as alone when I am on here reading and typing. I do miss my wife though.

Stay Safe All.

Love, InfertilityCrushed2

P.S. I am thankful for a Woman's perspective, thoughts, and suggestions on my situation. I don't want to be coddled or talked to politely. It is more than ok to just give it to me straight. I know that I Failed in a major part of my IF journey with my wife. Life is about learning and adapting. So I want to fight for my chance to show that I have changed. That I want things more than ever before. Thank You All Again And Again!!!!

[wewishforbaby]

So have you thought about any action that you can do immediately to turn things around? It sounds like you are somewhat giving up if you claim she's going to be your wife for the next 40 days. Don't claim that, claim back your marriage.

Get out there and start doing things for your wife. Start by rushing your wife over 2 dozen roses to her job today. Tell her to give you a few months to prove to her that you want her back! I know she's very hurt and upset, but sometimes people divorce only to find out they love each other and that can be the worst pain.

I also want to commend you for admitting your fault...that's a good start. You see, going through IVF, the women suffers the most b/c not only are you being poked with needles constantly, you go through mood swings and you are feeling uncomfortable with all the prodding from the Dr's and nurses and it can be a vicious cycle. Not only that, you are dealing with seeing other couples getting pregnant quickly and starting their family while you are struggling with taking fertility drugs that are not guaranteed to work....there are so many levels to this emotional ride. I also know it's hard for you to see your wife going through this pain and sometimes even feel jealous b/c the process seems just about having a baby. A woman's need to be a mom really can superceed all emotions when you get to that place. That need is something we can't sometimes control, it's nature. So for a short period time, it's something men have to understand. I know it's hard, but it's a part of being a women.

So you see, you have some work to do.

So lets hear what you are going to do! I'm being hard on you b/c I'm hoping things work out for you both.
I look forward to your update.

[kerben]

Hi there,

The ladies before me have said it all, your post brought tears to my eyes. I feel that my marriage is at the stage that yours probably was last year. I feel that my husband and I are growing further and further apart each day over IF. At the moment, we don't see eye to eye on IF. We will start our rounds of IUIs next month for a couple of months. If we are not pregnant by the end of those cycles, we will stop trying. This is what my husband wants. He believes that if we don't get pregnant, then we were not meant to be parents. He is OK with living childfree. I am not. Like the post before mine, for some women, the need to be a mother is natural and cannot be explained. I am open to IVF and for adoption as well. Those options are completely out for him (for emotional, religious, and financial reasons).

So, I have some questions for you. And these are not meant to cause you further pain. Maybe your answers will help me save my marriage. In the beginning, did you want to be a father? If so, why didn't you fight for this right as strongly as your wife? What exactly about the IF process that 'broke' you and made you change your mind about proceeding further? If your desire to be a parent wasn't strong before, why is it now? Because you are afraid of losing your wife?

Please don't be offended by my questions. It is just that I think my husband maybe withdrawing as you did. I want to be a mother, but a wife as well.

Kerben

[InfertilityCrushed2]

Originally Posted by kerben

Hi there,

The ladies before me have said it all, your post brought tears to my eyes. I feel that my marriage is at the stage that yours probably was last year. I feel that my husband and I are growing further and further apart each day over IF. At the moment, we don't see eye to eye on IF. We will start our rounds of IUIs next month for a couple of months. If we are not pregnant by the end of those cycles, we will stop trying. This is what my husband wants. He believes that if we don't get pregnant, then we were not meant to be parents. He is OK with living childfree. I am not. Like the post before mine, for some women, the need to be a mother is natural and cannot be explained. I am open to IVF and for adoption as well. Those options are completely out for him (for emotional, religious, and financial reasons).

So, I have some questions for you. And these are not meant to cause you further pain. Maybe your answers will help me save my marriage. In the beginning, did you want to be a father? If so, why didn't you fight for this right as strongly as your wife? What exactly about the IF process that 'broke' you and made you change your mind about proceeding further? If your desire to be a parent wasn't strong before, why is it now? Because you are afraid of losing your wife?

Please don't be offended by my questions. It is just that I think my husband maybe withdrawing as you did. I want to be a mother, but a wife as well.

Kerben

Hello Kerben,

You never have to apoligize to me for you have done nothing. I will gladly answer any and all of your questions. However I am no expert on anything other than how I felt and mine and my DW's situation. I will start from the begining to give you an idea of our situation.

We met at a small town picnic. A friend of hers came up to me and told me that I had to meet a friend of hers. She pointed through the crowd to this tall, beautiful, blonde young woman. Wow, I was definitely happy to meet her!!! So we introduced ourselves and we talked and talked and talked. So much so that when my cousin who I went with told me that he was leaving, I replied go ahead! I will walk home if I have to! 20 miles would have been a long walk, but luckily we hit it off and her and her roommate gave me a ride to my house and dropped me off! It is funny because the next day I happened to have a family party and I was caught on the video telling a friend about this amazing woman that I met the night before. The entire time on the video I have a smile ear to ear. From then on we dated. We were a couple and things progressed normally. She was everything that I wanted, smart, beautiful, caring, kind, would be a great Mother. So I asked her to marry me and on Oct. 20, 2001 we were married. We were so happy. We lived in this tiny 1 bedroom apartment and it just didn't matter. Then we moved into our first house and things were all going as planned 2 years into our life together. Then we started to try and have children which we both wanted and nothing happened. So she went to her Doctor and then I went to the Doctor for tests and our IF journey began.

We were still on the same page. She was worried. She always wanted to be a Mother. I remember telling her that everything would be ok. That it would all work out in the end. I was resolute and confident. We tried this and we tried that and nothing seemed to help. I am sorry on the time frame. I just don't remember. Things all seem to have blended together after so long. The timed or scheduled Baby making attempts, then the dreaded Clomid. This made her totally not in control of her emotions and she would have these incredible moods swings where nothing in the world that I would do would be the correct thing to do. This was maybe 2 or 3 years into IF and I REALLY REALLY started to hate and dread the process. I never blamed my wife. If there was an issue with one of us, then there was an issue for both of us. It seemed I could never help her in the right way. Then there was an incident that did do something to us. We both tried to move past it but it was always there. As I said before, I know that she couldn't control herself at time because of the hormones. We were at another picnic and I was talking to a guy from work and she was talking to his wife and the wife asked about us and kids!! This set my DW off! She stormed off furiously mad! By the time that I realized that she had walked off I had to run to catch her and ask her what had happened. She wanted to leave right then at the moment! She was mad that I wasn't next to her to stop the question from being asked. I didn't know what to do. So there was a HUGE argument about the situation. So she was taken off of the clomid and we started shots. I truly began to HATE HATE HATE the process of IF treatments. We had started to lose us. My wife was consumed with it at the time and I admit to starting withdraw at this point. I absolutely hated seeing her be poked and prodded and shots up and down her legs. God I hated that. I felt so helpless! Useless, worthless, and alone. The person that I should protect and do anything for is the very person that I cannot do anything to help. I would tell her time and time again that I hated the Process! When we weren't doing the treatments things were much better between us. Even though we both knew that the issues that we had weren't going anywhere. We tried the IUI's and everything and they just didn't work for us. So we took more time off and we were scheduled to start IVF. I told her that I HATED the Process. But we proceeded anyway. I started to drift. To question us, focusing on the negatives between us. The last year she had made progress in the place that she was personally and I was proud of her. We had both been through so many different stages of IF emotionally. The anger, resentment, helplessness! You name it. So now she was doing better and I was the one who started to withdraw. Here we go again! More Heart break! More watching my DW get used like an experimently animal. I was mad, angry, TOTALLY HELPLESS! The first IVF attempt was aborted a few days before the procedure. SO I signed all of the papers again. She started to give herself the shots because I just couldn't. I JUST HATED IT! GOD I HATED IT! Then I broke! :-( I just couldn't do it. I wasn't happy. I would come home and go to the bedroom and watch tv and she would watch in the living room. Night after night. She would try and get me to do things with her but I withdrew more and more. Frustrated with the whole situation. I started to focus more on the negatives about us than ever before. I was afraid. I was afraid to bring a child into our marriage when it was obvious to me that we weren't happy as a couple. I stopped her from her dream in the middle of IVF.

So that is our backround. I am so sorry for the long post. :-( Now this is what I have learned from this journey.

I would do it so differently. I LOST sight of the very reasons that I married my DW. She is the most special person that I have ever met. I love her dearly. Last night when I woke up at about 2:58am I thought about it and thought some more. The analogy that I would use is this about Disease IF and the dangers that it poses. My DW and I are in a room together and we take all of the reasons that we are together. All of it! The love, how wonderful she is, how gorgeous and smart she is, how I don't want to be married to anyone else, how I would do anything for her, how I would leap from tall biuldings for her if I could and put it into a box in the room that we both can see. We both know that those are all the reasons that we are together and then IF starts like a fire and the room starts to fill with smoke. The longer and longer that the IF process goes the more the room filled with smoke. So after years of IF I told her in a counselors office that the spark was gone. That I didn't want to buy her flowers, that I didn't want to be affectionate. I was trying to be honest I thought with her. These things crushed her terribly as they crushed me. I am ashamed. Which brings me to my long winded point Kerben. The spark, the reasons that we were together were always still there with us. I just couldn't see them through all of the IF. My judgement was totally clouded with IF smoke. It took the near death of my mother to actually get it. That I never could and never will be able to protect her from everything or magically fix the problem. Especially with IF. However, I should have always remained with her and told her that I love her. That she was the one for me! Cherish her! Put her on that pedistal. Tell her that I love her now more than the day that I met her. That I am sorry for everything. I turned inward when I should have been holding her hand. SHE DIDN'T NEED ME TO FIX ANYTHING, JUST BE NEXT TO HER AND GO THROUGH THE IF JOURNEY BY HER SIDE.

I was a fool. The best advice that I could give anyone is not to forget why it is that you are together. Always communicate and make sure that you are on the same page. And just cherish each other because that IS the main point of having a family in the first place. The box of reasons was always in the room with us! I just failed to see it. I lost sight of the big picture.

Also, reading this website has given me much much insight into IF. Makes me feel that I am not alone. That others have felt the same way that I have. I DO LOVE MY DW! I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE! I KNOW THE REASONS WHY WE CHOSE TO BE TOGETHER. Because she is amazing!

Kerben, I hope that there is some help in this entirely to long of post. I wish you the best of luck. I will pray for you tonight. I promise! Have a good day and stay safe.

InfertilityCrushed2

P.S. I would do things so differently now. Always stay connected.

[InfertilityCrushed2]

I failed to realize that all of the reasons that we were together were still there. So now, as I try an fall asleep at my Mothers house in my Old room I think of her, my DW. Usually waking up around 3am missing laying next to her, the trips to Chicago, the going out to eat, the BBQs, the Sinatra playing on the radio as we eat dinner, holding her hand, squeezing her tight, her brownies, cutting our lawn, working on our house, I miss her. I was so blinded by IF that I couldn't see all of this! I lost the big picture. I think back about the things that upset me between us, the flaws or differences that I saw. They were bogus! Total BS! Yes we have differences. We always have and we were happy! We have been married 6 plus years and 4 of it had been with IF as a 3rd always present partner and at the end of the day, I LOVE HER.

Sorry, I just had to vent a little. Take care and have a great day everyone. Please stay safe and I hope that there are lots and lots of baby making tonight!

InfertilityCrushed2

P.S. Kerben your answers in order I believe. Yes I always wanted kids. I love kids! I am an only child but my Mother is one of 12 so I have cousins and cousins and more cousins. Even last night a cousin who I am particularly close to came over to visit my Mother and brought his two children. Wow, I adore them. I just want to hug them to pieces! What Broke me? I was selfish. I felt helpless, angry, mad, frustrated, and ashamed. I was furious at the process of IF. I hated subjecting my DW through test after test and procedure after procedure only to have her end up heart broken and me not knowing what to do to take the pain away. So I withdrew. I was so sad and unhappy. Everyone else just does this or does that or gets married and BAM 6 months later they are expecting. I was pissed and couldn't take it anymore. Like I said I broke. I let my DW down. Why did my mind change? I don't believe that it did change. I always have prayed for children. My God I want to be a Dad. I want to go to the park, I want to teach them right from wrong, I want to feed them, change them, get up in the middle of the night with them. I would love to have that responsibility! So NO, my opnion on the subject of children never changed. My eyes were opened. The FOG or smoke of IF was lifted and I was reintroduced to the very reasons that I fell for my DW! She is an amazing person and I was a fool plain and simple. I let the periphial issues in our life cloud the BIG picture. I love my wife and Very very much want to be the Father of her baby!

[Rob&Irina]

i have two questions:
a) what would you do differently if you could rewind the time during which you and your wife went through IF treatments..
b) do you have a plan of action in your head? what can you offer this woman NOW...

[InfertilityCrushed2]

Originally Posted by Rob&Irina

i have two questions:
a) what would you do differently if you could rewind the time during which you and your wife went through IF treatments..
b) do you have a plan of action in your head? what can you offer this woman NOW...

Hello,

1. Differently...Tell her that I love her everyday. Never lose that connection that we had. Make sure that she knows that I am by her side during this IF journey. Take the lead and act proactively. Be much more involved in the process and try and take some of the pressure off of her. Let her know that we are a team. That it is an us issue and we will make it through IF. Be strong for her. But most importantly be there for her on every leg of the journey.

2. A Plan & Offer...Well I am still in a bit of a shock about the state of my marriage or lack there of. I am the type of guy who always likes to plan things. I have pondered everything about us since last Thursday morning. I have talked with her. I have called her. I started printing out articles about IF and marriage and highlighting points made in the articles. And making notes out to the sides about where I failed. How I should and can be the Husband that she thought that she was marrying. I apoligized to her. I told her that I loved her and that I was never leaving her when I went to my Mothers. That I always wanted to be married to her. I just wanted to give us space and to stop hurting each other with the pain and anger that was in our relationship at that moment. That she was my wife. The one that I chose to be with. That I was sorry for withdrawing. I have read more about IF than I ever have in the past. I see and admit to my mistakes and failures. I wrote her several letters or notes explaining why I withdrew but more importantly why I was wrong for doing so and neatly stapled them all in order so that she can read them easily. I want to talk with her parents. Not to pressure her, but to let them know that I care deeply and love their Daughter. To apoligize to them in person.

But that is all that I have come up with so far...InfertilityCrushed2