[dnsstrader]

Hello
I need some advice from someone that i am not related too. Here is my story I am 28 my dh is 41 almost 42 and we have been together for 10 years and trying for our first child together for 6 years. dh has 2 children from his previous marriage that are almost grown. I feel distant and pushed away from him. We have done some treatments but nothing has worked. I am so afraid that in a year or 2 he is gonna look at me and say Wife i dont want to try anymore im to old. and i would have wasted more time with him. To him it is sad and hard because he has to watch me go through this he is very insensitive to the subject. Like friday night he told me he was going to take me to a nice romantic dinner and to get all dressed up and when he got home he said lets go and he took me to a bar for dinner and beer i was in awww over that then he took me home and he went out till 2:00am left me at home by myself crying and devistated. This next part probablly was not what i should have done but i did and i dont regret it so saturday morning at 11:00am he is still asleep and a friend of mine called and said were going to new orleans for the weekend lets go i packed a bag and i left while he was sleeping. oops!!! he did not notice that i was not home until 6:00pm saturday night i was already in new orleans. So needless to say he did not speak to me for 2 days. I guess i am the one that is withdrawing from him but now he wants to fight for me and wants to make things work but i feel it is to late and i dont know how to tell him that. I just dont want to be going thru this again in a year or six months. I feel like a loser I cant give him kids and he doesnt want them like me and we should just call it quites I just need some words of encouragement.

[jana]

Sweetie, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I think that you have to ask yourself if you still love this man. If you do, I think you need to seek some counseling, individually and couples. IF is a hard road to travel and sometimes we don't communicate our needs like we should. Have you tried to sit down and talk to him? Divorce is a huge decision, and shouldn't be entered into lightly. Good luck with this situation.

[frymomma2b]

I have to say that sometimes love just really isnt enough. I believe in saving a marriage and not divorce but i also believe in happiness. I love what you did and i wish i would have had the balls to do that sometimes when my dh acted up but you shouldnt have to. He is alot older than you and may want to stop trying but you never know the for sure answer till you ask him "hunny, how long are you willing to back me on this dream?" You know what i mean? I support you in whatever decision you feel is right in you heart. love ya and hope you find your answer

[marilynn]

Originally Posted by dnsstrader

I feel like a loser I cant give him kids and he doesnt want them like me and we should just call it quites I just need some words of encouragement.

I would like to suggest something if you don't mind. I would try not to feel like IF is a personal flaw or you are a "loser" because you are having trouble conceiving. It is a medical condition. IF is hard and frustrating as hell, but you did not do anything to cause it. It sounds like you have too much on your plate right now to put that on yourself too.

I also think frymomma has a very good point about trying to figure out how far your DH is willing to support you in your dream.

You sound very strong and like you are searching for the best road for yourself. I wish you the very best.

[elizwhite]

I decided to seek counseling during the latest IVF attempt. This helped me address my feelings of IF and life in general. I felt that my IF was my fault since I started TTC after 35. My counselor helped me change my perspective about IF. Also, she would make it a point to check in with me regularly about my relationship with my husband. Having support from your husband is very important when you are in the midst of IF tx. My perspective might be different that others. I met my husband at 31 and got married at 34. To me, at 28, you have so much time to figure things out. I would strongly suggest couples counseling. Good luck and I wish you the best.

[babybean]

OK, I may be the black sheep here, but I don't agree with what you did. I obviously don't know you so I don't want you to think I am judging you, because I'm not. All I know about you is what you wrote in your post, so that is what I'm responding to.

First, it was insensitive and rude for your DH to get you all hyped up for a nice dinner and night out and then just take you to a bar, drop you back off at home, and go out again until 2am. I would have been PO'd too - that I understand.

What I don't understand is what you did next - just taking off to New Orleans without telling him. Don't get me wrong - if you want to go to NO, fine, go - you're an adult and can go and do what you please. But taking off and being proud of yourself for not telling him in hopes that he would sit and wonder and worry about where you are and what you're doing seems so childish to me. To me, it was the equivalent of a rebellious teenager who is ticked off at her parents, so she stays out all night to make them worry.

It's one thing to stand up for yourself, and it's a totally different thing to play Jr. High dating games (that's always been a pet peeve of mine). I just figured if you're an adult, act like one.

I don't know if you talked about having kids before you got married or not, or what might have been said. Even if you did and agreed on having more kids, it might be time to revisit that topic again. If he has changed his mind, then you need to make a decision: If he says he doesn't want any more children, is that a deal-breaker? Do you want to force him into having kids he doesn't want just so you will stay? If you did have kids, how would they feel when they found out that their dad didn't really want them? Is the only reason you are with DH is because he might be able to give you children or are there other qualities that you love about him?

The only advice I can give you is to approach him openly and honestly and have a calm conversation with him. Lay all of your wants and expectations out on the table and ask him to do the same. What does he expect from you? How do you want to be treated? How does he want to be treated?

It is my firm belif that a couple is not ready to get a divorce until they can walk away without any anger, hostility, or regrets, and that every stone has been turned over to try to resolve the issues they have.

JMHO

[lrayon]

Well said Babybean. I agree.