[spunkygrrl]

Hi there. I am struggling with something that should be an easy, fun thing around the holidays, but for me, it's a source of stress.

I have a group of girlfriends from high school who have been emailing about setting up a girls night dinner before the holidays. One of our old friends is in town, from out of the country and they are all bantering about getting together, catching up, etc.

I haven't really actively kept up with these people in many years, but I wouldn't mind seeing them - I was very close to all of them when I was younger, and I think in the right frame of mind, it would be fun.

The only problem: they ALL have children, ranging in age from 6 months to 10 years old. There are 8 of us, and I am the only one who is childless.

We've been trying for 2+ years, with one miscarriage about 10 months ago. None of them know about my situation, because I haven't really been in contact with most of them on a regular basis over the years outside of an occassional card or email.

I am struggling and so anxious about this dinner that I don't want to go. One of the last emails actually said: please don't forget to bring photos of your children! I almost threw up.

What is wrong with me? I actually feel sick over this - sick about going, sick about feeling the way I do, sick over what they will say, or if I can handle 3 hours of baby talk.

I would really like to see these women just to see them, but I'm pretty sure that it won't be just them - it will be their memories of children, birthday parties and pregnancy.

I feel like a terrible person. Has anyone else had to deal with this? What did you do? Am I being ridiculous?

[grumpy007]

I see you posted this a long time ago. I don't think you're being rediculous. I totally understand! I would feel the exact same way!

[shasie]

Originally Posted by spunkygrrl

Hi there. I am struggling with something that should be an easy, fun thing around the holidays, but for me, it's a source of stress.

I have a group of girlfriends from high school who have been emailing about setting up a girls night dinner before the holidays. One of our old friends is in town, from out of the country and they are all bantering about getting together, catching up, etc.

I haven't really actively kept up with these people in many years, but I wouldn't mind seeing them - I was very close to all of them when I was younger, and I think in the right frame of mind, it would be fun.

The only problem: they ALL have children, ranging in age from 6 months to 10 years old. There are 8 of us, and I am the only one who is childless.

We've been trying for 2+ years, with one miscarriage about 10 months ago. None of them know about my situation, because I haven't really been in contact with most of them on a regular basis over the years outside of an occassional card or email.

I am struggling and so anxious about this dinner that I don't want to go. One of the last emails actually said: please don't forget to bring photos of your children! I almost threw up.

What is wrong with me? I actually feel sick over this - sick about going, sick about feeling the way I do, sick over what they will say, or if I can handle 3 hours of baby talk.

I would really like to see these women just to see them, but I'm pretty sure that it won't be just them - it will be their memories of children, birthday parties and pregnancy.

I feel like a terrible person. Has anyone else had to deal with this? What did you do? Am I being ridiculous?

I believe feelings can never be right or wrong. Feelings just are what they are. Don't suppress or force yourself into a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable. You'll just feel worse.

If you wish, you may want to leave early and let everyone know that you have another engagement to go to.

Protect your yourself- do something to alleviate the pain...like perhaps join a group of women who don't know what you are going through - but are also not focused on children. Find a group of women who are focused on something besides creating a family. Maybe a meditation or yoga class? Maybe a knitting group, cooking class or art class might help. Activism? Any can happn. Just anything to get you socially connected in a more lighthearted way. Maybe a girls night out.

Infertility is hard stuff as we all know. And something the anxienties and concerns of a our nearest dearest well meaning friends can have the best of intentions. But somethings their best can make you more anxious. Make sure that the friends you reach out to about what going through have deep understanding what your feeling. This is important.

I feel like my experience with infertility has transformed me so much so that I wondered how I could talk with the friends I have had before I started with odessy. I'm not sure if they realize that walking through the fire has transformed me. Because they keep talking to me like i'm still the same...

[spunkygrrl]

Thank you sashie!

You are on spot with everything you said. It's so hard sometimes, but I really feel like I am so much more aware now - perhaps more sensitive in general - to people all around me.

It's taken time, but I've found a group of women who are all going through infertility issues. They are from different areas of my life, so they don't really know each other, but it's OK - because they all bring different perspectives and support to the table. I've found talking / emailing with them, as well as with this website, has really helped me stay focused.

I guess there's a secondary element with this that just makes me sad - that I feel so distanced from those women with children - some of whom were my best friends at one point. It seems like the only thing that matters is their children - it's all they talk about, constantly. I've told a few of the more independent ones about our problems, but it seems to just distress them more, and I notice that they now purposely avoid all talk of their kids - or worse, they apologize for talking about them. Sigh. It's a no-win situation.

Anywho, thanks for your support. We are plugging along, and I know that this will work out the way it's supposed to. It's just hard not knowing what the future will bring sometimes.

Good luck to you and your hubby on this journey.

[Frisarvz]

Originally Posted by spunkygrrl

I would really like to see these women just to see them, but I'm pretty sure that it won't be just them - it will be their memories of children, birthday parties and pregnancy.

I feel like a terrible person. Has anyone else had to deal with this? What did you do? Am I being ridiculous?

Even I will feel the same... But you SHOULD NOT feel so sad... Just think its not yet time for you to have your own child... Go, meet your friends.