[einstein]

I know that most of us feel so lonely in that we have no one to talk to about infertility issues. Everyone we know seems to get pregnant no problem and for us, it's a sad and excruciating topic. When I was trying to get pregnant a few years ago, I was super lucky because my own Mom and Dad had dealt with unexplained infertility years ago before they had me and my brother. Although treatment back then was virtually nonexistent, my folks were kind, sympathetic and understanding. I was so fortunate!

My question is, who do you feel you can talk to? Is it a kind friend who may not be infertile but who can offer compassion? Is it a coworker who has endured the same thing? Is it your significant other because s/he is going through it with you?

[30somethingmom]

Hi Karen,
I always talked to my husband, mom and sister. My mom and sister have never been through the issues I've had, but I am close to them both and they feel my pain to a certain extent. They always make me feel better and are there for me no matter when I need them.

My husband has lived through two miscarriages and years of trying to have a child right along with me, so he definitely understands how I feel. Leaning on each other for support during the bad times brings us closer together. I believe our marriage has gotten stronger because of our struggles.

[J9yinyang]

The only people I have to talk to are you all. My sister says nothing but snotty things, like she doesn't think I'd be a good parent, anyway, so it's a good thing I can't have kids. My father and stepmother just look uncomfortable and change the subject when it comes up. My mother tries, but she ends up saying stupid or hurtful things, not meaning to (Like that crap about adopting, then I'll get pregnant.). My friends go on and on about how having a child is more of a pain and frustration than any human should be forced to tolerate, and that I should be GLAD I don't have any.

I'm sure they all mean to be helpful, in their own twisted little ways. And to be honest, I've caused the problem myself. I tend to be very matter-of-fact and strong in hard situations. And the people who know me tend to expect that I don't need their help. What they don't understand is that I'm actually devastated and I'm having a hard time holding it together, and that I'm actually asking for help. Even my husband doesn't know how to deal with it. And when I get depressed (which I am a lot of the time now), I have a tendency to act like a wounded wild animal... I snap and growl a lot, because I don't feel comfortable falling apart and crying. So my poor DH has to deal with us not being able to conceive (though he keeps saying "you can't get pregnant", like it's all my problem), and with my being tempermental.

I seem to have surrounded myself with people who freak out and get uncomfortable with me falling apart. See what happens when you're a control freak? Sigh.... Honestly, I guess I really just want someone to let me cry and tell me it's going to be ok, even if they don't believe it for a minute.

[rexie]

Wow, Jenine, I can totally relate. I am also the one who always keeps it together, except when it comes to infertility and my friends and family just don't know how to react. And it's not just hard for other people to deal with my emotions, it's hard for me as well because I'm not used to being anything other than level-headed and practical. I'm also uncomfortable falling apart. My eyes fill with tears every time I see anything relating to children, but I have a hard time letting myself really cry. So, it's no wonder everyone I know doesn't know how to comfort me. In any other situation, I'd be the one telling myself (and others) to buck up and do what needs to be done to fix the situation. I'm the one people come to when they're all cried out. I've always dealt with everything with humor (sarcastic humor to be precise) and logic. Sometimes that works for infertility, but not generally.

I have the one friend who tries to talk about it in the same way we talk about everything else -- sarcastic humor. The other day she told me I should just get drunk (she got pregnant accidentally after drinking too much) and find another guy to "knock me up" because obviously "he's [my husband] not doing the job". I know she was just trying to be funny and in any other situation, I would've laughed, but with fertility, it's just not funny.

The rest of my friends (who know) don't even bring it up and for the most part, I'm thankful for that, but sometimes it makes me feel as if they don't care. It's frustrating because I know that's unfair. How can I expect them to know when I want to talk about it and when I don't? And how are they supposed to know that the words I want to hear depend on the mood I'm in that day (sometimes I'm completely pragmatic and other times I'm a complete headcase).

Anyway, to answer the original post, I mostly talk about it on this forum. Up until recently, I really didn't talk about it all. That certainly wasn't working.

Natalie

[Angelwithhope]

I really only have my DH and you Ladies!!!

My mom never brings it up and acts like she doesn't care. My SIL ignores it and tells me about other women getting pregnant and even told me abput her sister who has had TWO abortions! YEah I could kill her but thats a different topic! My DH's parents barely know anything. I usually talk with my BF who is miles away on MSN but she really doesn't get it either. She keeps asking me why we want a baby so bad! Do I need a reason?? ITs just the next step in our lives! So that wittles things down to my DH (who sometimes doesn't get it, but most of the time does) and you Ladies! And you ladies ALWAYS get it! lol. Thanks for being here for me!!!

[vandycamp]

Hi Natalie, Angelwithhope and Jenine... I am right there with you. The only people I have to talk to are you wonderful ladies, and a friend who has gone through the same thing.... The only difference is, the only people who know we are going through this are my mom and DH. We have not told anyone else. Some friends know we have had trouble, but I havent told them about IVF. I am kinda embarrised and dont want to admit I have a problem. The reason I havent told my family is bc I have a 2nd cousin who went through this and they refer to her as the....get this.... "32 thousand dollar crotch". and every time they refer to her and her new baby, they talk about how much it cost her. And to be honest with you, I dont want people to know. So it is hard not having anyone to talk to about it, which is why I am so glad I have found you all. You are all so wonderful!!! Thanks for being there.

[alinahov]

Jenine and Natalie

I'm there with you! All my life I'm known to be practical, patient and comforting. I'm so used to taking care of others that when I need to be taken care of it's actually makes me uncomfortable. People are so use to count on me that I can't make myself to ask for help. Feels like I'm stealing someting... sigh..

I have a hard time being "weak" or plain don't know how to be weak.

I can't really talk to anybody except you and sometimes my DH.
My family is in Armenia and I don't want to add new worry to my MOM who is the most wonderful mother one could wish for but what can she do on the phone thousands miles away? My sister does not seem to get it at all (she is 48 with 2 kids) and tends to say very stupid things like "maybe you should get a boyfriend" so I told her "If you can't say anything smart don't say anything at all" .

Actually help came when I saw that web-site
http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_ar...y_arms_mod.html

I decided to try and tell what I feel via that clip. So, I asked my DH to take a look and when we were watching it together I started to cry and to my surprise he was crying too!
It was a door waiting to be opened.
It helped him to see me in a different way and I'm more comfortable talking to him too.

Maybe you can try and use it too?

[Angelwithhope]

Vandycamp,

To say that she is the one with the 32 thousand dollar crotch is just horriable! I can understand why you wouldn't tell your family! I wish you the best!

Alina, I showed that to my DH as well but had to leave the room because it makes me sob uncontrolably!! I'm glad you have your DH like the rest of us do!!

[ara79]

alina,

that web link didn't work for me. could you tell me how to get to it? thanks!
amy

[Jennifer B]

Hi everyone, I'm new to everything....the posting, to IVF/ICSI, to infertility all together. Just started the first phase of IVF (the Lupron phase) and I'm scared. DH is feeling pretty, but I'm the one that's scared, a role I don't assume well. I hope that I learn a lot from this forum about what I can expect to happen to help with some of this fear I have going on. I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone as we all fight this individual battle together.....jen

[alinahov]

Amy

Just go to www.vocalicious.com
that should work. If not there is a link in IVF support I think on2 or 3 page

[Tanya324]

The link worked for me and I sent to everyone all of our family and my sister called me right away and wanted just to let us know how much they love us, dh family didn't even say a word. It was like they did not even get it but they are cold a heartless they did call the day after and ask us to come and take pics of his brothers new baby duh!!!! they make me so angery.....as far as talking about it mostly to all of you and my dh.