[Soki]

Where do you draw the line and decide when to tell and who about fertility issues?

How far do you let people question about when you're finally going to have children compared to opening yourself up for unsolicited advise and the barrage of requests on progress of your treatments?

Both my parents and my husband's family know about our fertility issues. My parents just flatly refuse to acknowledge what we are going through so haven't had any support and the subject just isn't mentioned at all now. On the other hand my husband's 2 sisters (he's one of 5) have been supportive which has been a relieve.

Philippa

[Soki]

Wow, that's too bad your parents won't support you. Did you suspect they would have that reaction or was it a total shock?

Yes I was shocked by my parents reaction but I should have seen it coming but need to side track slightly. About 7 years ago when my husband and I had been married almost 5 years by this time and given up any hope of being taken seriously by a doctor. We'd had various excuses like give it more time and lose weight which we listened to. However this was the first time my husband mentioned adopting or fostering so thought we would mention this to my parents. The looks on their faces were enough to freeze the Atlantic and they asked why we wanted to do this instead of having our own. Bearing in mind these are the same two people who pressured and emotionally blackmailed me into having my son adopted back in 1981. I was absolutely gobsmacked by their attitude and talk about double standards - it was alright for my child to be adopted but not for us to adopt. They asked us why we didn't get medical help so we explained our problem. That was the end of the subject and at the time we weren't really ready to adopt or foster.

After I was reunited with my son last year in August everything seemed to fall into place and we did find a good doctor to refer us in September. Since then I did start to keep them informed but they have remained silent not only on this subject but now rarely hear from them at all. For the past few years we have only been communicating by letter due to a falling from 1999 to 2001 when there was no communication at all.

Their behaviour is that bad that my son found them during that time so obviously at the time they didn't know where I was living as I had moved. However once they did they still didn't tell him where I was or that we now had contact nor did they tell me that they had contact with him. Their excuse was that they didn't know if my husband knew about him even though my sister had told my husband about him. I actually found my son by accident through a website he had put my details on so it is a miracle our reunion happened.

Philippa

[jenn_ann_pugs]

I am a very vocal person and sometimes it can really go against me. This is my first time doing IVF and three months ago I did IUI. I told anybody who would listen. I really didn't realize how many people had fertility issues too. On the other hand I also didn't realize how many people were ignorant to it. I am not ashamed. I am scared. I just ask people, friends, family, for their support and prayers. Sometimes I want to talk about the procedure because it is so amazing and other times I want to keep my mouth shut. I really just do what comes naturally because I can't afford the stress. I just started my lupron shot yesterday and since then I am more at ease with this entire procedure. If anyone wants to share their feelings with me I welcome it. I am so glad that I found a place where their are women just like me.

[vandycamp]

Well Soki, I have to say that I have not told many people about going through all this. I am doing the IVF/ICSI for the first time. I told my mother, my boss (due to missing work), my friend who already went through this, and eventually (but not till 1/2 way through the stim shots) my mother in law. I felt that the least amount of people that new the better. If this works, then I felt then I may tell more, but if it doesnt, I just couldnt bear to have to tell EVERYONE that it failed. I guess it is just me being self conscious about the whole thing. I feel like a failure, and dont want everyone to know. The good thing is that I found this wonderful site with all these unbelievable women who have given me all the support and listening I could need. Just thought I would share my perspective. GOOD LUCK

[jenedens6102]

My life is an open book. I looked at it this way. If I can help at least one person whose life may be affected in the same way then that's a ministry. None of us asked for infertility to affect our lives but it has. It's unfortunate but it's reality. There are a few people that I try to keep mum around just because of added pressure or fear that when something doesn't work like we hope I'll never hear the end of it. My parents and DH and a handful of friends know EVERYTHING. My in-laws just get small pieces here and there. A few other friends who don't understand and aren't sympathetic towards it don't get a whole lot of information anymore. However, I never turn down answering a question and I do my best to upfront and honest with everyone.

[beaglenutty]

My parents know everything that we are going through. Thats because I'm very close with my mom. I do tell the girls I work with. I work in a very small office and we talk about everything. It's hard for others though especially beacuse nobody I know has gone through this. My brother knows too. They are supportive but don't always know what to say to us.

[downthedrain]

so far neither my family nor his family are aware that we are facing such a problem. we still havent talked to any of them, we want to be sure where we stand before we actually break any news to them. its hard though when it comes to answering questions and explain certain things.

[biggsista]

although we have not told everyone- some things make me feel worse now because it seems like a constant question, it is worse having to explain that "it just isnt working" months on end and some people persist - I hate being questioned..the people we did tell I was hoping that the "questions" would stop or at least be more understanding.. One SIL said "so is it you or is it him" I felt like punching her out..she also just called recently (I think she has called me twice in the last year) to tell me her brothers wife is pregnant!!! (her call couldnt have come at a worse time, same day I got a BFN so needless to say I didnt stay on the phone long and havent really talked to her since) Anyway, I think from my point of view and the lack of understanding people in my life it would have been easier just not saying anything. However, I cant take it back now.

[MaryC]

I only tell people that I think will offer support. At this point, most of our family knows, but at the beginning no one but me and DH knew.
My favorite comeback for nosey people who ask why we don't have kids yet is "We are struggling with fertility problems, it's been very painful and heartbreaking, but thanks for bringing it up!" LOL I've only had the guts to use it once, usually I just say 'We'll see...'

[Lou lou]

Originally Posted by MaryC

I only tell people that I think will offer support. At this point, most of our family knows, but at the beginning no one but me and DH knew.
My favorite comeback for nosey people who ask why we don't have kids yet is "We are struggling with fertility problems, it's been very painful and heartbreaking, but thanks for bringing it up!" LOL I've only had the guts to use it once, usually I just say 'We'll see...'

You should also add... "I'm so glad you asked because we could use some help with funding the IVF"!!!!

Just for kicks!!! Sounds great, but I'd never have the guts to say it.

[biggsista]

well ladies,
the sisternlaw was asking me tonite if any of our attempts worked and what are we doing now...I just flattly told her I didnt feel like talking about it..nosey people..if it worked she would eventually find out!!!!!! I know sometimes I feel like talking and sometimes I don't. Its strange but the more somebody asks me questions the less I want to discuss it.. I just feel like every failed cycle I go through this emotional loss and I really have to be in the mood to discuss it (this doesnt happen too often)...