[kblythe]

Hey Ona!

You must have been posting as I was writing! It's good that you have a lawyer involved. Although this area of the law is still new, it's changing in favor of non-traditional families. I think there was a recent case where in a situation like yours, the mother changed her mind and decided she wanted financial support from the father-donor. The father-donor was required to pay while the case made its way through the courts, but if memory serves it was ultimately found that he wasn't financially responsible since the parties never intended that he would be anything other than a donor. Sadly, I can't remember whether this was an intermediary court or not, eg. subject to being overturned on appeal. But in other ART arenas, donor eggs, surrogacy, and the like, courts are moving more toward an "intent" model, focusing on the intent of the parties, rather than focusing on the biological connections.

Kathryn.

[silverbrumby]

Just another quickie to say welcome to Sue!!!

Whatever you do, don't listen to any of the nay-sayers out there. If anyone wants to call you stupid for making this choice just start quoting all the statistics for divorce! Or better yet, teenage pregnancy!

I think the fact that you are doing this is brave. I told my friend Karen about my plans last night (she's been pondering doing the same herself) and she said she was really proud because a lot of people talk about wanting kids more than anything but few act.

There are tons of single parents out there doing it every day and this is going to be a child you wanted and planned for and it will have a stable home life which is more than a lot of married couples can say.

So, welcome. I think we are all in good company here. I have my fingers crossed that your IUID goes well. Do they use frozen sperm from a sperm bank for that over there? I know the UK has different laws as far as sperm donors goes.

Incidentally, I am also English. I was born in Gibraltar and grew up in Lymington spa and London (Islington). Both my brothers were born in Winchester.

Cheers,

Ona (SB)

[silverbrumby]

Hi Kathryn (spelling it right this time),

Yes, I heard about that case. I think you are right about it being geared more towards intent (you would probably know better than me...hehe...).

I don't have a lawyer per se, but I did have a lawyer friend look over the contract to make sure it looked good. Virginia is a very conservative state so our contract is more to clarify intent than to serve as any sort of legal protection. Basically, if I wanted to I could sue for support and likewise my partner could sue for custody because here they consider that the parent relationship cannot be severed unless it is in the best interest of the child, so drawing an agreement before a child exists is not taking into consideration the child (or something like that).

I have a good overall feeling about my donor though and really it's about protecting your butt but going with your gut. He's really jazzed about this whole process and doesn't want custody or any of the parenting responsibilities, but he does want to know the child and have the child be considered "family". Likewise I want him to be considered family and so we are in accordance with our expectations and have already formed a good friendship. It's really funny because he is so eager to start he keeps asking about best ways for collecting semen to give me the best chances and is reading all these different sites. Oh! He went out and got all the tests and a full physical including sperm counts and blood tests the DAY AFTER WE MET! He asked if I wanted genetic testing too and I had to say no, no, it's fine... He's REALLY excited.

So, where do you live? I read your story with much interest. It sounds like it's been a roller coaster for you.

Thanks again for the advice and info.

Cheers,

Ona

[kblythe]

I'm in Atlanta.

It sounds like you are handling things about as well as you can! When I had my known donor, we had a similar arrangement. Even though I'm finally pregnant, part of me is still disappointed that it didn't work with my own eggs and my friend's DNA. He can be a self-absorbed jerk at times, but he is tall, reasonably good looking, smart as hell, and funny. Oh, and he has all of his hair!

Well, I'm off to meet another friend for dinner. I hope he doesn't wonder why I'm not drinking!

k.

[Deej]

Originally Posted by kblythe

Well, I'm off to meet another friend for dinner. I hope he doesn't wonder why I'm not drinking!

Kathryn: YOU GO GIRL!!
Silverbrumby: after 4 failed iui's the doc wants to do a lap surgery to see if i have endo... i knew a boy named brumby from years ago, he now lives in LA.

Ladies, I am drained and feel like I am not working hard enough to keep us all up to date... I am going to try and post something, and if anybody has changes/ additions, please cut and paste the entire thing into an new post w/ changes...

HERE GOES
i cannot see signatures when posting so this is all from the memory of an exhausted deedee.

Deej: DeeDee 4 iui's, anon. donor, on break
Elove: Erica, anon. donor, 10 dpiui
Kblythe:Kathryn, PREGNANT!!! via ivf (try #__)
Squeezan: Su, PREGNANT!!! via IUI # 6
Lilac: Jen, anon donor, 7 IUI's, waiting for lap
PeggySue: Susan,
SilverBrumby: Ona, KD,
MissV:
Terri:seen doc, getting ready to go!
Slcress:

[lilac]

Susan! I'm glad you found us! Don't listen to what anybody else says... there are a few people in my life who would probably tell me I'm crazy too, which is why I haven't told them I'm ttc. I figure better to tell them after I'm pregnant! I told the people I knew would support me just because it's what I want. It's up to you!

Kathryn - I have spent the last 7 months hiding my not drinking from friends and family! Good luck!

Deej, I was just thinking we should keep a list! I think you forgot alleykag and KuddleyGal, so I added them here...

Deej: DeeDee, 4 iui's, anon. donor, on break
Elove: Erica, anon. donor, 10 dpiui
Kblythe:Kathryn, PREGNANT!!! via ivf (try #4?)
Squeezan: Su, PREGNANT!!! via IUI # 6
Lilac: Jen, anon donor, 7 IUI's, waiting for lap
PeggySue: Susan,
SilverBrumby: Ona, KD,
MissV:
Terri:seen doc, getting ready to go!
Slcress: Stacee
alleykag: Kim
KuddleyGal:

[Deej]

thank you lilac! i could only see those who posted more recently, and guessed at one of the names... lets try and get a mini group list, it will make it easier for ppl like me, bad memory!

deej: 37, USA, 4 iuis, AD, on break
how is that?

[slccress]

to Susan. I totally agree with you about not enough time. Especially when the child is the future you see. I assumed there would be a husband but knew there would be a kid. I am actually thinking I would love it if due to the meds I have twins. I am an aunt and that is so special. I don't think I would want to deprive my child of that love.

DeeDee - I feel the same as you, so much more relaxed and at peace since I met all of the ladies on this forum. There is no one else that can quite understand what we are doing, dealing with, and feeling.

About the lap: I had a lap in 2000 because a u/s showed a LARGE cyst. When they got in they found endo. I had been having tons of (tmi alert) sex pain. Since that surgery, no pain. Of course it has been a bit, so...HA. I wonder if I should have another to check to see if the endo has reoccurred?

One last thing: I am so glad to be back with you gals. You are truly a shelter in the mess of my head.


I think keeping a list is a great idea. As a teacher I have to remember so many names!

Deej: DeeDee, 4 iui's, anon. donor, on break
Elove: Erica, anon. donor, 10 dpiui
Kblythe:Kathryn, PREGNANT!!! via ivf (try #4?)
Squeezan: Su, PREGNANT!!! via IUI # 6
Lilac: Jen, anon donor, 7 IUI's, waiting for lap
PeggySue: Susan,
SilverBrumby: Ona, KD,
MissV:
Terri:seen doc, getting ready to go!
Slcress: Stacee, known donor, med iui's, on a break
alleykag: Kim
KuddleyGal:

[silverbrumby]

YAY LISTS!!!! http://forums.adoption.com//images/smilies/14.gif

Now my head won't explode! There really aren't as many gals as it felt like and now I can get an idea of who everyone is and have a reference point.

Stacee...I had a similar thought about multiples. Before my cancer I was actually genetically predisposed to twins. Every third generation in my family has had them. With all the stuff I've been through I'm not sure if it's affected that. Twins would be a blessing but also something that TERRIFIES me. I am still trying to figure out how I'll manage one on my own.

My friend had twins last year and she had 3 older children...they were trying for 4 and she got pregnant and miscarried then got pregnant again only with twins. She is married, has a 15 year old daughter who can babysit anytime, both she and her husband work very high paying jobs and she owns her home and she's still struggling. If I had twins, I'd probably have to make extra room for the cow that followed.

I'm actually looking into adopting. I think it is important for children to have siblings but I don't necessarily think they have to be genetically related. I figure one biological child at this point would be a blessing...hoping for two would be greedy. I also have wanted to adopt since I can remember. My best friend was adopted and it is just this feeling I have that my child is out there waiting for me to come and give him/her a home. I'm doing the pregnancy thing now because I feel that window will soon close, but I have until my late 40s to do the adoption thing.

Deej, thanks for clarifying on the lapr. Is endo suspected because you have pain as well as unsuccessful IUI or are they just doing the lapr. to rule it out? Having had so many surgeries myself, I hesitate to go under the knife for any reason so I am thinking warm fuzzy thoughts and hope all turns out for you.

Well, tomorrow I meet donor again and I am really excited. He sent me a photo of his mother today. I just can't put into words how "right" this all feels. I was hesitant about doing this before because part of me worried I was just being selfish and defeatist, but when I see how excited he is and he tells me about how his mum is going to drop her basket when he tells her, I just feel like it is a gift for so many more people than myself.

I've told my closest friends about this and had 100% support. I'm not telling my family because they're not supportive even on a good day. My brother is a huge homophobe so he'll smile about it and secretly be thinking bad things. My mother is just plain nuts and is abusive so I don't talk to her, and I don't really see any of the other family members because they are out in Cali and don't make any effort to stay in touch. I really consider my friends more of a family. I'm called "auntie" by all their children and we all do holidays together as a family. So, the people that count know. The rest, I just plan on sending a birth announcement to.

Ok, time for bed. Will let you all know how things go tomorrow. Gosh I feel so blessed to have found you all!

Cheers,

Ona

<Me: 36 (37 in March), KD is 48, TTC via AI starting in March>



Deej: DeeDee, 4 iui's, anon. donor, on break
Elove: Erica, anon. donor, 10 dpiui
Kblythe:Kathryn, PREGNANT!!! via ivf (try #4?)
Squeezan: Su, PREGNANT!!! via IUI # 6
Lilac: Jen, anon donor, 7 IUI's, waiting for lap
PeggySue: Susan,
SilverBrumby: Ona, KD,
MissV:
Terri:seen doc, getting ready to go!
Slcress: Stacee, known donor, med iui's, on a break
alleykag: Kim
KuddleyGal:
______________

[Squeezan]

Peggysue We've spoken before and I'm glad you decided to join us. This is a great thread for support.
Sorry your AF was late - the exact same thing happened to me last Jan when I was supposed to start treatment except it was about 2 weeks late! I hope you hear back about your scan date soon and those follies start to grow on the right side (right as in not wrong, sorry can't remember whether its the left or right we're cheering for ).
I hope you can find someone to support you through this. My parents weren't great about it (although they are thrilled now I'm pregnant) but my sister was supportive and I told a few close friends. I really needed them at times just to be able to talk about it. Its not easy when you go home to an empty house every night and the cats just don't understand
How did you get on with getting donor sperm? I think the situation is constantly changing here in the uk as they try to address the shortages.

DeeDee, thanks for starting the list. I was thinking the same thing myself. Another forum I go on has the facility to add graphics etc and we have lists on there that really look good. I'll see if it can be done on here.

[MissV]

To fill in my blank spot...

MissV: 40; CA, USA; 2 tries via BD w/KD; no known problems

Thanks for the thoughts on legal documents. I'd heard the way things are currently that you can't legally sever parental rights, but I think putting our intentions down in a notarized document is still a good idea and puts everyone at ease. Funny Ona, my donor wants the same arrangement - I will have 100% custody and he wants to know the kid and be "family". When we were negotiating our arrangement we talked about these things, including that he would be okay with a future husband/boyfriend adopting the kid, and that he prefers I live near him but would not insist if it was not what was best for the kid. I don't plan to move - I very much want the kid to know him, an important reason I want a known donor. I gave him the option of staying anonymous until the kid is older, like 18 (very few people know about our "relationship"), but he didn't want that. Anyway, putting all this into a legal document, even if it wouldn't hold up in court, is I think a way of keeping everyone honest. Someone told me one way to give up paternal rights is to leave his name off the birth certificate. Is that true? In this day and age of DNA testing I can't imagine that would matter.

It has occurred to me that I should have a Plan B (secondary donor) in case things don't work out with us (complications tend to arise when sex is involved), but on the other hand I don't want to plan for failure, you know?

My period is due tomorrow and I'm surprised at how NERVOUS I feel. I had all these PMS-type cramping symptoms Fri to Mon and then they suddenly stopped. Now I just have sore boobs. I keep thinking I'm nauseous but I'm sure that's all in my head. I found myself daydreaming at work today about what my kid would look like/be like - made me smile. Then the horror and fear of OMG what am I doing how can I do this alone? Then the OMG what if I'm not pregnant? How bummed will I be? Then back to happy daydreaming and the cycle continues...

I understand about hiding not drinking (this is CA so I say I am doing a "cleanse" - not exactly a lie and people buy it easily) and not telling family! Ha! I have told very few close friends about this, and they are excited for me. I'm not sure how my family will react and co-workers and other friends... just can't worry about that right now. It would distract me from what I know is the right thing for me right now. And there is no doubt in my mind that this is what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

I have also thought seriously about adopting, but want to focus on the closing biological window first.

My posts are always much longer than I intend them to be, sorry.

So happy to have found you girls! Thanks for being there! :-)

MissV

[MissV]

Oh and yes, Ona, I would love it if you would send me a template or any info/links, etc. you have on custody agreements.

Thanks!

[peggysue]

Thank you all for the lovely warm welcome

Silverbrumby: Not sure want to put at the side of my name this is my first attempt at IUI and I;m just waiting for a phone call from the clinic to arrange a scan date-apparently they ring you within 4 days but if I've not heard by Monday, think I'll call again. I think that its fantastic that you want to adopt. I'd like to adopt but I'd like my own child first.

Squeezan: Yes I recongised your name. Glad your pregnany is progressing well, before long you'll be feeling movement, thats something I'm really looking forward to.

I was originally referred to St James's Hospital in Leeds and as they don't have a sperm bank they relied on sperm banks to give them donations. I've been on the waiting list for over a year now. Did you have to find your own donor or did your clinic supply it

After phoning around clinics I found that Machester had a sperm bank and no waiting list so I asked my GP to refer me. Because I'd had all the initial tests at St James's I didn't need to have them done again and was told I could start treatment when my next period arrives.

I have to tell the nurse what characteristics I want in a donor although I'm MVC negative so I guess my selection will be limited. Other than that I'm not sure. Will the sperm be defrosted the night before or do they use fresh sperm, how many sperm do they insert don't know why but I just thought it was one.

Well better get back to work, only meant to have 30 minutes for lunch and so far I've had 50 minutes.
Will write more soon. xx

[Squeezan]

Peggysue - I was treated at Isis Fertility Centre in Colchester, Essex. It's a private clinic not linked to any hospitals, they use a few sperm banks mostly in the London area I think. At my initial consultation they discussed the shortage and warned me that I may have to go on a waiting list for donor sperm but it never became a problem. Once I'd had all the blood tests and lap & dye done they filled in a form about my characteristics (height, skin colour, hair colour etc) then the embriologist rang the banks to see what matches they had. I'm also CMV -ve but he rang back within a couple of days with a choice of 2 donors for me. I had to then buy a batch of 10 samples which were stored at the clinic for me. I still have 4 left which can be used for siblings in the future (scary thought )

I understand it takes them about an hour to prepare the sperm for the iui, which I assume is defrosting and washing? Not sure if its washed before its frozen. Sperm from the banks in always frozen and is held in quarantene for 6 months after donation. This is because HIV doesn't show up in a blood test for the first 6 months so the donor has to be retested before the sperm is released for use. It can be stored for a maximum of 10 years from donation.

As for the amount, no its not just one, I think its about 1ml of prepared fluid, the actual number of sperm in that will vary with each sample. Apparently you get a lot more into the uterus than than with sex because they're put directly in and don't have to swim through the cervix.

Sorry for the long post. Its amazing how much you learn going through this. I've found the whole process facinating.
Su

[kblythe]

Yep. There are a bunch of sperm in there! I was present last month when my friend Jenn had her iui with donor sperm, and I think they said the sample contained around 8 million. When I had the iui at the clinic with my known-donor friend, he abstained for several days and was able to produce 40 million swimmers! The nurse called him a "stud," and I said "you have NO idea!" (The nurse did not realize he was acting as just a donor and thus was literally a stud.)

As for my mini-profile, I don't know if you'd call this my 4th ivf attempt. I tried two iuis, two fresh ivfs, and then two FET cycles with donor embryos. So it's my 6th ART procedure.

Kathryn.